In Search of a Backbone

[2Shy]

I'm feeling frustrated and am just venting a bit. Sorry if this is inappropriate for the board.

I started working out about a year ago with a friend. She has a toddler at home who had speech problems and required several speech therapy sessions a week, so from the beginning I have always arranged my workout schedule around her schedule.

It seems like every two weeks something new comes up: her work schedule has changed, her husband wants her home more, she woke up late, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. What this boils down to is she is constantly canceling workouts or switching times.

After going out for coffee two weekends in a row and staying away for hours, her husband got (understandably) perturbed with her (she neglected to let him know where she was). So, the next Monday she looks me right in the eye and says "We can't keep screwing around with our workout times! We need to get serious! With my boy in preschool now, I have my mornings free. Hubby wants me to work out first thing in the morning. I know it's hard for you to have a schedule (!!!) but we have to get here earlier. I can be here at 7:30."

This from a woman who has never woken before 8:00 AM in her life.

I said, no. I have my own kid to see off to school, but 8:30 would be fine and, btw, I was the one who had said we should be working out earlier and that I detested her mid-afternoon workouts but that we'd been doing them because it worked for her. We agreed on 8:30.

I even changed our split to give her a free day if she needed it to make hubby happy.

This lasted about a week and then she was back to oversleeping, I can't make it, can we go at 2:00 or 3:00 or 5:00 PM? The frustrating thing was that several times she knew the night before she would not make it that morning but never called me. I either worked out alone or called her only to find out she was going to be a no-show.

Then holidays came up (she had to work every day and was "too tired" to make it to the gym), she had surgery, etc., etc., etc.

During this time I started going late in the evening to beat the crowd and because another friend of ours works out after work. I don't need someone there, but it's nice to have someone you know around just the same. Sometimes our routines coincide; sometimes they don't. But I know this person will always be there at a certain time and is there if I need a spot or help with something and vice versa.

Finally, my workout buddy is recuperated enough to go back to our workouts. The same problems start to crop up.

Today she changed our workout time three times before canceling totally.

LOL I see a lot of frustration and submerged anger in my post. That's why I need a backbone.

On the one hand, I started working out with this person. I have far surpassed her in ability by now, but perhaps I wouldn't be where I am if not for her taking those first few steps with me. I feel a certain responsibility to work out with her and encourage her.

On the other hand, I have a responsibility to myself. I'm normally a pretty flexible person, but days like today drive me bonkers. I feel like I've waited all day to do something that never materialized. Now my DH borrowed the car and there's no way I will make it to the gym today. That's partially my fault. I should have just gone when she rescheduled for the second time.

So, I've decided that I need to give her a schedule. "I will be at the gym at X time on X day. I'll be happy to see you there if you can make it."

Problem is I am torn between sticking with the AM workouts on the days I know she might be able to make them or going back to all evenings knowing that at most she will only have a chance to work out with me once a week because of her work schedule.

I am leaning toward the evening schedule. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I leave mornings open, pretty soon I will be adjusting to accommodate her again. I am a doormat. Just wish I didn't feel guilty about doing so.

Would one of you slap me upside the head and remind me I am not responsible for my friend's workout success? I just feel like I will be abandoning her.

LOL Okay, I truly am messed up. Thanks to those who read to the bitter end for wading through my tirade.

 

[newgirl-chargeback]

I read it and hear you.

Firstly you need to understand one basic premise here -- okay maybe 2.

Your friend is NOT serious about working out -- if she is then she is not very considerate of you.

Secondly basic premise: while most people do need a workout partner, you are there FOR YOU. This is YOUR time...no child asking for a snack, no husband asking if you washed his last pair of boxers, no boss calling to find out if you scheduled that meeting...this is an hour or so for 2shy to make her goals.

I say, if you wish to give her a second chance, than by all means "Mary I am working out tomorrow at xx time with a 10 minute warmup and then straight to the dumbbells for chest. I hope I see you there." PERIOD.

I had a similar workout partner,....and I am a very patient, flexible and easy going person. However every Saturday and Sunday, I would leave the house at 8 and not return home until noon.

You will often be alone and somehow feel as if you do not want to be. I assure you -- you will like it more than you know -- and you will learn to ask for a spot without being self-conscious.

Honestly -- she seems to not make it a priority and I get the feeling from your other posts that you have made this a priority. I say -- move forward...and good luck.

 

[JJFigure]

2Shy - this is why I train alone. I tried to train with another woman for awhile, but she'd do the same thing. I'm a very prompt person - pretty much always early to everything. She was always late - and it kept escalating. It started off as 5 minutes, then 10, and so on. Finally, instead of waiting for her, I just started working out. From that point on, I've learned to schedule my training around me. It sounds selfish, but weight training is a self-serving sport. You are so dedicated and excited over it, too! If you can't find a partner as dedicated as you are, you're better off training alone. Plan your workouts for the time that best fits your schedule, and invite her to join you if she can. That's the best you can do at this point.

Unfortunately, you won't find many women outside of this board who will share your dedication and enthusiasm for lifting.

 

[spatts]

2shy, aren't you the one that lives like 20-30 minutes from me? You are welcome to train with me/us anytime. You can do your own thing or work in with us, if you want. Even if it's just once or twice a week...whatever. I think it would be good for you to see how other people train. Like you said, you've surpassed her, so now what? Play up. Find someone bigger/faster/stronger at your gym to train with.

Lead by example!! Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and for all the right reasons...she will either fall into line, or she will fall by the wayside. It shouldn't matter to you either way.

This is the thinning of the herd. You're about to look back and see the gap between yourself and the people behind you getting bigger and bigger. Keep going.

 

[Temple]

2Shy - if you live that close to Spatts and don't take her up on her offer then well.....I may just have to come down there and beat you LOL!

 

[Fyre]

I'd have to agree with everyone else in saying that you obviously are better off on your own. I train by myself for that exact reason. I use to train with a girl that was either always late and I'd be standing around waiting for her or she just wouldn't show up. So, I started giving her 10 minutes after I got to the gym and did my warm up and if she wasn't there, I'd just go ahead and start without her. There's always someone at the gym that will give you a spot if you need one.
Oh, and one last thing, JJ, that is one hot avatar!

 

[2Shy]

Your friend is NOT serious about working out -- if she is then she is not very considerate of you.

Newgirl, you are so right. Can you enable someone when it comes to working out? I fear I've become a workout enabler. j/k

I know she's not serious about working out and nothing I can do will make her that way.

Originally posted by JJFigure

Plan your workouts for the time that best fits your schedule, and invite her to join you if she can..

Thanks, JJ. I've decided to go back to evenings with a few exceptions. See above.

Originally posted by Fyre
I'd have to agree with everyone else in saying that you obviously are better off on your own.

I agree. I just need some good, old-fashioned whaps upside the head to knock sense back into me. I'm one of those people who feels guilty if she bumps into a wall (sorry, wall--didn't see you!).

Temple01 ... LOL!

Thanks to everyone for the support. As I wrote last night's tirade I realized I really need to strike out on my own. My presence isn't going to make my friend any more dedicated, but perhaps continued success and improvemenet will. And if it doesn't, so be it. She will continue to pack on the pounds and lift the same low weights without ever increasing or seeing results. That's her choice.

I know from experience that you can't make someone change their ways. It doesn't stop me from still wanting to try, though!

She's a wonderful friend in all other respects, and I don't want my irritation over this to color my relationship with her, which it will if things keep up the way they've been going.

....I just want to poiint out that I figured out how to make multiple quotes!

 

[makedah]

Good going, 2Shy. Something similar happened to me back in 2000. Once it got very cold, I had to go to the gym for cardio (didn't want to run on the ice outside). I was more serious than my training partner, who seemed to "need" me to go the gym with her. We HAD to show up at the student gym when it opened in order for me to get a treadmill (there were only 3), but she would often be late. She didn't want to stay as long as I needed to on some days (I drove), and when it got warm enough to run outside again, she wanted to tag along with my runs. MY RUNS! The fabulous thing about running alone was that I got to clear my mind and have some "me" time. Plus. I'd been running for a year by then, and she hadn't been running at all. How on earth did she think she could last the distance?

Personally, I think part of this whole thing was that she's average-sized and I'm fat - so surely "I" couldn't be in better condition. For example, she would give me "tips" that I already knew.

I was very passive agressive about the whole thing, which I really regret.

On the first day that we went running together, I took off, running HARD, and she gave up in the first block. After that, she stopped trying to tag along - and it was the best run I EVER had (I kept running hard to keep distance between us as she walked behind). But I think the tension also hurt our friendship. In retrospect, I should have told her that I really enjoyed spending time with her, but that I needed to workout separately.

 

[JJFigure]

You know what's funny - most men would have no qualms dropping a training partner. This is one instance where our nurturing side gets in the way.

I even used to lift less intensely because I didn't want my training partner to feel bad for being weaker than me. It's much easier training alone or with a man - unless the man is weaker than you - then you run into issues.

Thanks Fyre! I'm getting into diet mentality mode - need to remind myself how lean I can get - it's like a carrot at the end of the stick. Or piece of cheesecake, in my case, since I don't really like carrots.

 

[2Shy]

JJ, I was thinking the same thing when I posted this morning: "I bet men never have this problem!"

I'll keep my nurturing side just the same. Otherwise, I'd have to start grunting and scratching at my crotch. Oh wait, I already do that ....