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TheProject
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I was driving home last night from the movie theater…just saw Team America, and was dead tired. It was about 12:30, and I haven’t slept enough all week because I’ve been staying up to watch baseball. I get close to the house, and notice they’re running a sobriety checkpoint up ahead.
I have zero reason to be concerned, as I had had one beer that night, and it was about six hours ago. The office asks for my license, and I give it to him, and he asks if I’d been drinking. I told him I had a beer with dinner about 6 hours ago, at which point I start getting “the look”. You know, the one where everything you say from that point forward is suspect.
So he shines the light in the truck, and asks me to follow his fingertip with my eyes. I’ve never done a field sobriety test before, so I have no idea whether I did well or not. I must not have, because then he asks me to step out of the truck.
We go over to the side of the road, and at this point, I’m nervous as hell. I tend to be pretty high-strung in stressful situations. Anyway, he starts doing the finger test again, then he has me walk the line heel to toe, then I get to stand there with one foot in the air and count. Now, I’m pretty uncoordinated as it is, plus I did narrow-stance squats this week, and I’m still sore from that. I’ve never tested the theory before, but it turns out it’s pretty hard to stand on one leg when your quads and hamstrings are sore and your legs are shaking from nerves. I make it to three the first time, then start over, and get to thirteen. I found out after I got inside that you’re supposed to be able to get to thirty.
He checks my eyes again, then asks me if I’ve been smoking marijuana. I gave him what I’m sure had to be an incredulous look, and told him no. He said that I’ve got redness in my eyes, which is often attributed to marijuana. I explained to him that I have contacts that have been in since about 5:30AM, but no, I’ve not smoked weed.
He’s giving me the speech at this point that he thinks I’ve had more than one beer, asking the question over and over as if I’m going to change my mind about how many beers I’ve had. I told him one beer, and that I’d be happy to take a breathalyzer if he’d like. He told me that he could put me on the box, but he was fairly certain that I’d blow below the legal limit, but that he was also fairly certain that I was impaired. After all that, he’s telling me that I need to have someone come and get me, and the officer at the table says that based on the field test, he thinks I should have the breathalyzer.
And I’m thinking, okay, great, let’s get this over with, and I’ll have an actual piece of scientific equipment that will determine whether or not I’m sober, and not some yahoo that hasn’t given a field sobriety test in two years. He had to get pointers on the side of the road as to which test to administer next.
So I go inside the trailer, and they tell me I’m under arrest and read me my rights, which surprised me because I *know* I’m stone sober, and I can’t believe that their test is enough to place me under arrest. The guy inside asks me a bunch of questions, fills out the form, and then I ask him what happens if I pass the test? He says that I can be “unarrested”, and that the paperwork will go in the trash.
I have to be observed for 15 minutes before they can administer the breathalyzer, so I have to sit there for another five or so before I can test. All the while, this other cop is just staring at me. I stare him down at first, then decide that might not be a good idea, lest he think I’m messing with him. Finally he comes into the room where I’m sitting, and starts talking to me and the cop doing the test. The cop doing the test tells staring guy that I failed the field test, but that my eyes look fine in the light of the trailer, and my pupils aren’t dilated. Staring guy then starts asking if I’ve smoked, and I tell him no. He says, “When’s the last time you smoked?” I told him that I never have, and I get “the look” again.
“Never?” he says, the look still on his face. And I said nope, never, swear to God. He walks out, muttering something about how he was just asking, and that I didn’t need to swear to God.
Finally I get to take the test, the guy explains to me how it works, and I blow into the machine. It beeps, and starts to print some stuff, and he takes the plastic piece and throws it away, while the machine starts printing out the results.
Blood alcohol level: 0.00.
He tells me he’s gotta take my pulse, so I said okay, and told him I have high blood pressure, so it’s likely going to come out high. He checks it with his watch, and my pulse is 88…not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
At that point, he thanks me for my cooperation, and they’ve just gotta make sure that people are safe on the roads, yadda yadda yadda. I said sure, I understand, you guys have a job to do, etc. He leads me outside and down to the parking lot where my truck is parked, and the two cops are clearly going through it and looking around. The cop that administered the breathalyzer explains to the field sobriety cop that I blew triple zeroes on the machine, and that it must be one of those cases where I just can’t pass the field sobriety test. I get my license back, and then the cop is holding my axe handle in his hand.
“You don’t need this, do you?”
I asked if there was a reason I couldn’t have it, and he tells me it’s a concealed weapon. The reality is that this is a piece of wood that’s about a foot long that’s been cut off the handle of a sledgehammer. I put it in the truck more as a goof than anything else, but I figured it’d be handy to have if someone decided to reach in my window. Rather surprised by that, I said I didn’t think it was all that concealed, but okay. There’s another cop standing there that says if there’s less than 3” exposed, it’s considered concealed. I said okay, and asked for my keys, and they tell me they’re in the ignition. As I’m walking to the truck, he starts telling me that the fine for CCW is $500, and that I shouldn’t have it in the truck. I nodded, got in the truck, and got the hell out of there.
I have zero reason to be concerned, as I had had one beer that night, and it was about six hours ago. The office asks for my license, and I give it to him, and he asks if I’d been drinking. I told him I had a beer with dinner about 6 hours ago, at which point I start getting “the look”. You know, the one where everything you say from that point forward is suspect.
So he shines the light in the truck, and asks me to follow his fingertip with my eyes. I’ve never done a field sobriety test before, so I have no idea whether I did well or not. I must not have, because then he asks me to step out of the truck.
We go over to the side of the road, and at this point, I’m nervous as hell. I tend to be pretty high-strung in stressful situations. Anyway, he starts doing the finger test again, then he has me walk the line heel to toe, then I get to stand there with one foot in the air and count. Now, I’m pretty uncoordinated as it is, plus I did narrow-stance squats this week, and I’m still sore from that. I’ve never tested the theory before, but it turns out it’s pretty hard to stand on one leg when your quads and hamstrings are sore and your legs are shaking from nerves. I make it to three the first time, then start over, and get to thirteen. I found out after I got inside that you’re supposed to be able to get to thirty.
He checks my eyes again, then asks me if I’ve been smoking marijuana. I gave him what I’m sure had to be an incredulous look, and told him no. He said that I’ve got redness in my eyes, which is often attributed to marijuana. I explained to him that I have contacts that have been in since about 5:30AM, but no, I’ve not smoked weed.
He’s giving me the speech at this point that he thinks I’ve had more than one beer, asking the question over and over as if I’m going to change my mind about how many beers I’ve had. I told him one beer, and that I’d be happy to take a breathalyzer if he’d like. He told me that he could put me on the box, but he was fairly certain that I’d blow below the legal limit, but that he was also fairly certain that I was impaired. After all that, he’s telling me that I need to have someone come and get me, and the officer at the table says that based on the field test, he thinks I should have the breathalyzer.
And I’m thinking, okay, great, let’s get this over with, and I’ll have an actual piece of scientific equipment that will determine whether or not I’m sober, and not some yahoo that hasn’t given a field sobriety test in two years. He had to get pointers on the side of the road as to which test to administer next.
So I go inside the trailer, and they tell me I’m under arrest and read me my rights, which surprised me because I *know* I’m stone sober, and I can’t believe that their test is enough to place me under arrest. The guy inside asks me a bunch of questions, fills out the form, and then I ask him what happens if I pass the test? He says that I can be “unarrested”, and that the paperwork will go in the trash.
I have to be observed for 15 minutes before they can administer the breathalyzer, so I have to sit there for another five or so before I can test. All the while, this other cop is just staring at me. I stare him down at first, then decide that might not be a good idea, lest he think I’m messing with him. Finally he comes into the room where I’m sitting, and starts talking to me and the cop doing the test. The cop doing the test tells staring guy that I failed the field test, but that my eyes look fine in the light of the trailer, and my pupils aren’t dilated. Staring guy then starts asking if I’ve smoked, and I tell him no. He says, “When’s the last time you smoked?” I told him that I never have, and I get “the look” again.
“Never?” he says, the look still on his face. And I said nope, never, swear to God. He walks out, muttering something about how he was just asking, and that I didn’t need to swear to God.
Finally I get to take the test, the guy explains to me how it works, and I blow into the machine. It beeps, and starts to print some stuff, and he takes the plastic piece and throws it away, while the machine starts printing out the results.
Blood alcohol level: 0.00.
He tells me he’s gotta take my pulse, so I said okay, and told him I have high blood pressure, so it’s likely going to come out high. He checks it with his watch, and my pulse is 88…not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
At that point, he thanks me for my cooperation, and they’ve just gotta make sure that people are safe on the roads, yadda yadda yadda. I said sure, I understand, you guys have a job to do, etc. He leads me outside and down to the parking lot where my truck is parked, and the two cops are clearly going through it and looking around. The cop that administered the breathalyzer explains to the field sobriety cop that I blew triple zeroes on the machine, and that it must be one of those cases where I just can’t pass the field sobriety test. I get my license back, and then the cop is holding my axe handle in his hand.
“You don’t need this, do you?”
I asked if there was a reason I couldn’t have it, and he tells me it’s a concealed weapon. The reality is that this is a piece of wood that’s about a foot long that’s been cut off the handle of a sledgehammer. I put it in the truck more as a goof than anything else, but I figured it’d be handy to have if someone decided to reach in my window. Rather surprised by that, I said I didn’t think it was all that concealed, but okay. There’s another cop standing there that says if there’s less than 3” exposed, it’s considered concealed. I said okay, and asked for my keys, and they tell me they’re in the ignition. As I’m walking to the truck, he starts telling me that the fine for CCW is $500, and that I shouldn’t have it in the truck. I nodded, got in the truck, and got the hell out of there.
