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Rex
New member
KINGKONG69 said:
I found this on the internet some time ago...
THE RULES :
Rule #1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up !
Rule #2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters' body, I will remove them for you !
Rule #3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule #4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you !
Rule #5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is EARLY !
Rule #6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I'll make you cry !
Rule #7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful like changing the oil in my car ?
Rule #8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: ** Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. **Places where there is darkness. **Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. **Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank-tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than over-alls, a sweater, and a goose down parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided, movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay, old folks' homes are better.
Rule #9. Do not lie to me ! I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe ! If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not triffle with me !
Rule #10. BE AFRAID !! BE VERY AFRAID !! It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent orange starts up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home SAFELY and EARLY, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine !
