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Innovations for Fat People
By JB on 11/18/01
Fat people are a majority in the US, and they certainly do their part to drive the economy with their excessive eating habits. The food industry enjoys the preponderance of the fat dollar, and in turn it sells even more greasy, high fat delicacies to heart attacks-in-waiting. There are a few other industries that are exclusively dedicated to providing goods and services for the fat, but the true moneymaking potential of the obese contingent has been largely untapped. After all, this is the largest customer base of TV infomercials - can they really be that hard to dupe into buying more useless products? I don't think so. In the name of helping the metabolically challenged find some meaning in their futile collective existences, I invented some products which were designed to meet their specific needs.
The Deluxe Strap-On Portable Tray: This nifty item, originally marketed towards sufferers of Down's syndrome, has the potential to revolutionize the fat market. It's perfect for fat people who don't want to be bothered with holding their food during an important event such as a barbeque, a football game, or dinner. With this handy tray, the fat person can loop the strap around his/her neck and use it as a mini-table capable of holding both food and drink. As an added bonus, it will catch 75% of all spills and allow for large pieces of dropped food to remain fully sanitary and edible. It'd be the perfect gift for your favorite slob: all he has to do to clean up is load his food and dishes up on the tray and walk to the trash can.
But what holds the most promise is the unintentional comedy angle. Just imagine an entire family of fatties at a Fourth of July fireworks show, all wearing this tray to hold their food. That image alone could constitute a Mastercard commercial. Or try giving the tray as a Christmas present to a hated family member. Then ask them to walk around the house all day carrying the cheese and crackers to everyone. You'd get some serious laughs under the guise of being a kind and loving relative. Another use for this thing is for the midwestern NFL football fan. Instead of using his gut as a table while sitting on the couch watching the Bears, he can place his bratwurst on the tray. I'm not even mentioning its potential as a weapon. I could actually picture this becoming a hit in several southern states, prompting the rest of the union to contemplate forced secession.
Doorway Grease: Doorway grease is an innovation that's long overdue for entry into the marketplace, and what better time to introduce it than now? It's a petroleum based substance much like Vaseline or hair gel, except the label says it should be used as doorway grease. That alone should make it a viable product; who would want to waste their hair gel squeezing themselves through doorways? The most obvious purpose of Doorway Grease is to lube up the morbidly obese for their harrowing trips through doorways. Through extensive testing, I've found that extremely wet, greasy fat people slide through doorways much easier than ungreased fat people. I've also integrated my patented FatSlide©®™ technology into the doorway grease in order to create maximum slideability. Just think of all the people that will be saved from humiliation because of Doorway Grease. The potential for humanitarian gain here is incredible .Doorway Grease is also sold as Chair Grease, which can be used to get fat people in and out of chairs that weren't designed for humans of their size. It's perfect for trips to stadiums, amusement parks, work, or school!
This product holds a tremendous amount of potential in the gift department as well. Think about the look your wife would have on her face upon opening Doorway Grease. Think she'd get the hint? Of course she wouldn't; she's a woman. I think that spotting greased up fat people in public might be a little scary, but the comedy in seeing them try to slide through tight doorways would outweigh any fears my dick would have about actually seeing that take place.
McTruck: It's not ice cream, it's McDonald's! For fat people, even a trip to their holy McHouse of McWorship can be strenuous and unappealing, regardless of the fruits it will bear. To solve this problem, I've sold them the idea of the McTruck, which would deliver semi-hot fast food to trailer parks everywhere. The McTruck would make its round approximately every hour, just enough to satisfy every craving a fat person could possibly have. It wouldn't call attention to itself using a ten note jingle; it'd be saying "WE LOVE TO SEE YOU SMILE!" in a maniacal clown voice meant to appeal to children, but sounding eerily reminiscent of a molestor masturbating in the back. Regardless, the McTruck will make millions for McDonald's because it's cheap food for lazy people. No one's ever not made millions by trying something like this. Hell, I could probably sell this post in an infomercial and say it's a "MONEY MAKING IDEA BONANZA!"
Sadly, if McTruck is ever launched, it'll probably be such a huge hit that every fast food company will try it, and I'll never be able to drive anywhere without running into one of them. On the plus side, fat people would probably never leave their homes. You gotta take the bad with the good.
Backstreet Boys Fat Free Ice Cream: Much like the Backstreet Boys themselves, this ice cream is based on the obscene disregard for any demographic that's not teenage girls. Made specially for the fat, depressed adolescent, it combines the three things she wants most in her life into one special package, for an incredibly high price. Fortunately, she'll get her parents to buy it, or else she'll commit suicide again. Stupid people will buy this high-priced crap because, in their minds, higher cost = better product. What they don't know is that BBFFIC is nothing more than store-brand ice cream transplanted into our box. And it's not even fat free! How's that for some serious consumer injustice?
The great thing about ice cream is that it's consumed in mass quantities by females, expanding the already-large market by including repeat buyers. Bad thing: this will cause the fatness factor to go up considerably, raising the odds you'll see a fat girl in skimpy clothes in the public. Not good. The mitigating factor about this product is that it'll never go bad. When the Backstreet Boys become uncool, just change the name to whatever band is currently popular. You seriously can't go wrong by marketing this to fat girls. Therefore, in the commercials, there'd have to be a horribly fat girl who eats the ice cream and then Justin Timberlake shows up at her door. It's mind-numbingly stupid, but then so are teen girls.
Breathe-Wrong Nasal Strips: Using these nasal strips is highly illegal, but highly effective at ridding yourself of annoying fat people. They're basically large pieces of duct tape that are big enough to cover the mouth and nostrils of a fat person that's pissing you off. It's usually caused by the audible breathing of the fat person, which has been known to drive otherwise sane men to murder, rape, and cross dressing. I don't think you want to rape or cross dress in front of a fat person, so murder is the only option. Using the Breathe Wrong Nasal Strips, it's a quick, clean, and easy death that won't leave any blood or other discernable traces that he ever lived. (Note: You did not hear this from me.) Fortunately, these strips can be used in a less depraved way. If your fat, disgusting slob of a husband snores at night, stick a strip over his mouth and force him to breathe through his nose. It's a lot more cost effective than going to a doctor and buying a machine that does it for $400. It's all a scam to get your money, Breathe Wrong strips are just a cheaper scam. Go with what works.
Going around and randomly slapping these on fat people's mouths would probably be the funniest thing that ever happened, if you were willing to touch a fat person's mouth. Screaming "BREATHE WRONG, YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER!" while doing it would probably make it the greatest moment of all time. Just make sure to have a friend videotape it from afar and then run away very quickly.
The Claw Food Holder: Getting back to products that actually have decent uses for fat people, The Claw is a unique gadget that allows fat people to drive and eat at the same time. Aside from the "What the fuck is that?" factor, it holds the food of a fat person in its grasp, allowing them to take bites from it without removing their hands from the wheel. The possibility for greater good is here: If a fatty leaned forward to bite his/her hamburger and didn't see the semitruck heading right for the car, then that's one less fatty to worry about. The Claw can also be used to hold other various items such as pens, CDs, and boogers. It's hard to believe that fat people haven't come up with something like this on their own, but then, they're fat people. They need guys like me to help them out. It wasn't fat people who invented the cup holder.
The possibility for amusement at fat people's behalf also exists with The Claw. Like all products, it's built to wear out after a given period of time so that the owner will be forced to buy another one. Except that The Claw wears out after 2 months. Seeing fat people's food drop onto the ground of their cars would be good enough, but the fatties' reactions make it golden. If you've never witnessed a fat guy losing his food, I suggest you try it. The pain and angusuish on his face rival that of a man who's just been left by his wife. If you point out that fact to the fat guy, he'll probably say "But that food was my wife. I was married to it just like I'd be married to a woman."
The Asswiper: Since fat people have such fat asses, it can be a challenge to wipe properly. They might miss a spot or 5, and leave that nasty fecal residue festering on their pimply butts. Since I have no desire to ever experience something as grotesque as what I just described, here's The Asswiper, which is toilet paper on a pole. Instead of physically needing to open their large cheeks themselves and putting the wiping mission in danger of failure, The Asswiper can be stuck straight into and around the asshole, cleaning it out like nothing ever has before. Its pole action enables it to reach where the fingers could only dream of. This is a boon for fat people, since before the days of The Asswiper, they had to get up, spread their legs, wipe in the general vicinity of their asshole, and hope for the best.
I'd suggest this as a definite gift idea for the fattest, filthiest member of your family. The one that eats far too much and ends up stinking up your bathroom whenever he comes over. He'll probably think it's a dildo to begin with, which may or may not be a good thing. Try this: Picture an incredibly fat, ugly woman using The Asswiper. Hold that image in your head. Picture her then removing the Asswiper from her anal region and then using it to masturbate. Hold that image in your head. Finally, imagine her pulling it out and licking off everything that was on The Asswiper. Done yet? If you are, I'm happy for you. I just made you think of that disgusting chain of events. See the power of this yet?
Truth Telling Scale: For some reason, fat people are usually concerned about their exact weight. You'd think that they could tell they were fat by looking in the mirror, but they seem to need reinforcement by stepping on a scale. With this scale, it tells them the god's honest truth, which no one else will seem to do. People always want to skirt around the issue of being fat, but I think that's unhealthy and stupid. Perhaps having someone tell them that they're disgusting and obese will cause them to remedy the situation. Probably not, but it's worth a try. Better than telling them that they have a disease and that it's not their fault.
I've actually got a great idea. You know how they have those "The Truth" commercials about smoking? They should do some on fatness, which is probably more deadly than smoking. THE TRUTH: You're a fucking fatass. THE TRUTH: You're fucking ugly. THE TRUTH: You're going to die from being fat and ugly. It might help shame them into stopping eating. What we've got in place now only encourages the fat to get fatter. In fact, it'd be kinda cool to send some really obese people over to Ethiopia and feed them to the starving. They'd each be like Jesus and feed 5000 people. They'd at least please Bono.
Fat people could account for billions more in sales each year, and yet no company has actively gone after this huge market. The only thing non-food companies are making for fatties are diet supplements and weight loss pills. Today's stupid ideas may be tomorrow's commonplace items. And remember, you're only as fat as you want to be.
© 2001 JB and wehateyou.com
Innovations for Fat People
By JB on 11/18/01
Fat people are a majority in the US, and they certainly do their part to drive the economy with their excessive eating habits. The food industry enjoys the preponderance of the fat dollar, and in turn it sells even more greasy, high fat delicacies to heart attacks-in-waiting. There are a few other industries that are exclusively dedicated to providing goods and services for the fat, but the true moneymaking potential of the obese contingent has been largely untapped. After all, this is the largest customer base of TV infomercials - can they really be that hard to dupe into buying more useless products? I don't think so. In the name of helping the metabolically challenged find some meaning in their futile collective existences, I invented some products which were designed to meet their specific needs.
The Deluxe Strap-On Portable Tray: This nifty item, originally marketed towards sufferers of Down's syndrome, has the potential to revolutionize the fat market. It's perfect for fat people who don't want to be bothered with holding their food during an important event such as a barbeque, a football game, or dinner. With this handy tray, the fat person can loop the strap around his/her neck and use it as a mini-table capable of holding both food and drink. As an added bonus, it will catch 75% of all spills and allow for large pieces of dropped food to remain fully sanitary and edible. It'd be the perfect gift for your favorite slob: all he has to do to clean up is load his food and dishes up on the tray and walk to the trash can.
But what holds the most promise is the unintentional comedy angle. Just imagine an entire family of fatties at a Fourth of July fireworks show, all wearing this tray to hold their food. That image alone could constitute a Mastercard commercial. Or try giving the tray as a Christmas present to a hated family member. Then ask them to walk around the house all day carrying the cheese and crackers to everyone. You'd get some serious laughs under the guise of being a kind and loving relative. Another use for this thing is for the midwestern NFL football fan. Instead of using his gut as a table while sitting on the couch watching the Bears, he can place his bratwurst on the tray. I'm not even mentioning its potential as a weapon. I could actually picture this becoming a hit in several southern states, prompting the rest of the union to contemplate forced secession.
Doorway Grease: Doorway grease is an innovation that's long overdue for entry into the marketplace, and what better time to introduce it than now? It's a petroleum based substance much like Vaseline or hair gel, except the label says it should be used as doorway grease. That alone should make it a viable product; who would want to waste their hair gel squeezing themselves through doorways? The most obvious purpose of Doorway Grease is to lube up the morbidly obese for their harrowing trips through doorways. Through extensive testing, I've found that extremely wet, greasy fat people slide through doorways much easier than ungreased fat people. I've also integrated my patented FatSlide©®™ technology into the doorway grease in order to create maximum slideability. Just think of all the people that will be saved from humiliation because of Doorway Grease. The potential for humanitarian gain here is incredible .Doorway Grease is also sold as Chair Grease, which can be used to get fat people in and out of chairs that weren't designed for humans of their size. It's perfect for trips to stadiums, amusement parks, work, or school!
This product holds a tremendous amount of potential in the gift department as well. Think about the look your wife would have on her face upon opening Doorway Grease. Think she'd get the hint? Of course she wouldn't; she's a woman. I think that spotting greased up fat people in public might be a little scary, but the comedy in seeing them try to slide through tight doorways would outweigh any fears my dick would have about actually seeing that take place.
McTruck: It's not ice cream, it's McDonald's! For fat people, even a trip to their holy McHouse of McWorship can be strenuous and unappealing, regardless of the fruits it will bear. To solve this problem, I've sold them the idea of the McTruck, which would deliver semi-hot fast food to trailer parks everywhere. The McTruck would make its round approximately every hour, just enough to satisfy every craving a fat person could possibly have. It wouldn't call attention to itself using a ten note jingle; it'd be saying "WE LOVE TO SEE YOU SMILE!" in a maniacal clown voice meant to appeal to children, but sounding eerily reminiscent of a molestor masturbating in the back. Regardless, the McTruck will make millions for McDonald's because it's cheap food for lazy people. No one's ever not made millions by trying something like this. Hell, I could probably sell this post in an infomercial and say it's a "MONEY MAKING IDEA BONANZA!"
Sadly, if McTruck is ever launched, it'll probably be such a huge hit that every fast food company will try it, and I'll never be able to drive anywhere without running into one of them. On the plus side, fat people would probably never leave their homes. You gotta take the bad with the good.
Backstreet Boys Fat Free Ice Cream: Much like the Backstreet Boys themselves, this ice cream is based on the obscene disregard for any demographic that's not teenage girls. Made specially for the fat, depressed adolescent, it combines the three things she wants most in her life into one special package, for an incredibly high price. Fortunately, she'll get her parents to buy it, or else she'll commit suicide again. Stupid people will buy this high-priced crap because, in their minds, higher cost = better product. What they don't know is that BBFFIC is nothing more than store-brand ice cream transplanted into our box. And it's not even fat free! How's that for some serious consumer injustice?
The great thing about ice cream is that it's consumed in mass quantities by females, expanding the already-large market by including repeat buyers. Bad thing: this will cause the fatness factor to go up considerably, raising the odds you'll see a fat girl in skimpy clothes in the public. Not good. The mitigating factor about this product is that it'll never go bad. When the Backstreet Boys become uncool, just change the name to whatever band is currently popular. You seriously can't go wrong by marketing this to fat girls. Therefore, in the commercials, there'd have to be a horribly fat girl who eats the ice cream and then Justin Timberlake shows up at her door. It's mind-numbingly stupid, but then so are teen girls.
Breathe-Wrong Nasal Strips: Using these nasal strips is highly illegal, but highly effective at ridding yourself of annoying fat people. They're basically large pieces of duct tape that are big enough to cover the mouth and nostrils of a fat person that's pissing you off. It's usually caused by the audible breathing of the fat person, which has been known to drive otherwise sane men to murder, rape, and cross dressing. I don't think you want to rape or cross dress in front of a fat person, so murder is the only option. Using the Breathe Wrong Nasal Strips, it's a quick, clean, and easy death that won't leave any blood or other discernable traces that he ever lived. (Note: You did not hear this from me.) Fortunately, these strips can be used in a less depraved way. If your fat, disgusting slob of a husband snores at night, stick a strip over his mouth and force him to breathe through his nose. It's a lot more cost effective than going to a doctor and buying a machine that does it for $400. It's all a scam to get your money, Breathe Wrong strips are just a cheaper scam. Go with what works.
Going around and randomly slapping these on fat people's mouths would probably be the funniest thing that ever happened, if you were willing to touch a fat person's mouth. Screaming "BREATHE WRONG, YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER!" while doing it would probably make it the greatest moment of all time. Just make sure to have a friend videotape it from afar and then run away very quickly.
The Claw Food Holder: Getting back to products that actually have decent uses for fat people, The Claw is a unique gadget that allows fat people to drive and eat at the same time. Aside from the "What the fuck is that?" factor, it holds the food of a fat person in its grasp, allowing them to take bites from it without removing their hands from the wheel. The possibility for greater good is here: If a fatty leaned forward to bite his/her hamburger and didn't see the semitruck heading right for the car, then that's one less fatty to worry about. The Claw can also be used to hold other various items such as pens, CDs, and boogers. It's hard to believe that fat people haven't come up with something like this on their own, but then, they're fat people. They need guys like me to help them out. It wasn't fat people who invented the cup holder.
The possibility for amusement at fat people's behalf also exists with The Claw. Like all products, it's built to wear out after a given period of time so that the owner will be forced to buy another one. Except that The Claw wears out after 2 months. Seeing fat people's food drop onto the ground of their cars would be good enough, but the fatties' reactions make it golden. If you've never witnessed a fat guy losing his food, I suggest you try it. The pain and angusuish on his face rival that of a man who's just been left by his wife. If you point out that fact to the fat guy, he'll probably say "But that food was my wife. I was married to it just like I'd be married to a woman."
The Asswiper: Since fat people have such fat asses, it can be a challenge to wipe properly. They might miss a spot or 5, and leave that nasty fecal residue festering on their pimply butts. Since I have no desire to ever experience something as grotesque as what I just described, here's The Asswiper, which is toilet paper on a pole. Instead of physically needing to open their large cheeks themselves and putting the wiping mission in danger of failure, The Asswiper can be stuck straight into and around the asshole, cleaning it out like nothing ever has before. Its pole action enables it to reach where the fingers could only dream of. This is a boon for fat people, since before the days of The Asswiper, they had to get up, spread their legs, wipe in the general vicinity of their asshole, and hope for the best.
I'd suggest this as a definite gift idea for the fattest, filthiest member of your family. The one that eats far too much and ends up stinking up your bathroom whenever he comes over. He'll probably think it's a dildo to begin with, which may or may not be a good thing. Try this: Picture an incredibly fat, ugly woman using The Asswiper. Hold that image in your head. Picture her then removing the Asswiper from her anal region and then using it to masturbate. Hold that image in your head. Finally, imagine her pulling it out and licking off everything that was on The Asswiper. Done yet? If you are, I'm happy for you. I just made you think of that disgusting chain of events. See the power of this yet?
Truth Telling Scale: For some reason, fat people are usually concerned about their exact weight. You'd think that they could tell they were fat by looking in the mirror, but they seem to need reinforcement by stepping on a scale. With this scale, it tells them the god's honest truth, which no one else will seem to do. People always want to skirt around the issue of being fat, but I think that's unhealthy and stupid. Perhaps having someone tell them that they're disgusting and obese will cause them to remedy the situation. Probably not, but it's worth a try. Better than telling them that they have a disease and that it's not their fault.
I've actually got a great idea. You know how they have those "The Truth" commercials about smoking? They should do some on fatness, which is probably more deadly than smoking. THE TRUTH: You're a fucking fatass. THE TRUTH: You're fucking ugly. THE TRUTH: You're going to die from being fat and ugly. It might help shame them into stopping eating. What we've got in place now only encourages the fat to get fatter. In fact, it'd be kinda cool to send some really obese people over to Ethiopia and feed them to the starving. They'd each be like Jesus and feed 5000 people. They'd at least please Bono.
Fat people could account for billions more in sales each year, and yet no company has actively gone after this huge market. The only thing non-food companies are making for fatties are diet supplements and weight loss pills. Today's stupid ideas may be tomorrow's commonplace items. And remember, you're only as fat as you want to be.
© 2001 JB and wehateyou.com
