Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
Mako the Shark
Banned
Prologue
I met my girlfriend when I was 20 and she was 19. She was my first time I was her third. We moved in together after 1 year of dating. We lived together for 1 year then we moved back out over the summer since we were still in college. We were still together and I thought very much in love. However we were fighting a bit more than usual just prior to that summer. We were in different parts of the same state for that summer but did visit each other whenever we'd get the chance and were in daily contact via phone/email.
I was making plans to propose in the fall. Just as school started we started fighting A LOT more and then the unthinkable happened, she went home for a weekend visit to her parents and some of her friends from high school (males) showed up and were going to take her to a party. She muffled the phone rather poorly and I overheard her saying to hold on she had to get me off the phone then she would go. Infuriatied I called her on it and hung up.
Later that night I called back to try and mend the fence but her mother said she had not come back from visiting with her friends, and I should call back later. So I did this time at like 1:30am, I woke up her mother who said rather exasperatedly that she wasn't home yet but probably would be soon and I should just call back in the morning. That night was one of the worst in my life. It was like a 6 hour panic attack and I am not an anxious person at all. I was breaking out in cold sweats and was filled with absolute dread. 7:30am comes around, haven't been able to sleep.
I call again, again her mom answers, this time she is very shaken, she doesn't know what to say to me, the love of my life didn't come home last night, I go silent, she tries to placate me, she reassures me that her friends are more on the order of brothers and that I have nothing to worry about. My instincts tell me better, I say goodbye and prepare for my road trip, I figure that if I speed I can make the 4 hour trip in less than that and get there before noon and maybe still catch her in bed with the guy I "knew" she was with.
Better judgement takes hold, I call a friend and break it down for him, he convinces me that if she did cheat then she wasn't worth it and that I would only end up going to jail for what I was planning to do to the guy, course changed, or at least postponed so instead I head to my parents' home. Halfway their I call her from a gas station, this time she is home, I asked her where she was the night before with acid dripping from my voice, she gets defensive and says she was just with her friends I mockingly tell her that I am thankful she got home safe, she knows I am mad and wants to talk, I hang up again. 90 mph feels slow on the road, but it gets me home.
I call later in the afternoon we fight she begins apologizing for her behavior, however not admitting infidelity just that she shouldn't have stayed out all night and freaked me out. She is absolutely submissive and apologetic on the phone, she begged me to come to her parent's I vow that if she ever pulls that crap again she's history, and then I go. I get there in the evening we meet up with some of her friends again, but not the one I suspect.
Later that night we fight again. This time she is the aggressor and attempts to put me "in my place" for being a jerk to her, I find her sweetness earlier on the phone was a ruse to get me there so she could argue with me without me hanging up on her. She admits only to getting drunk and sleeping it off at her friends place where the party was, she also admits to being invited to a concert with them in a neighboring city in which she would have had to share a hotel room with them, she tells me that because of the way I was on the phone she was going to go but only changed her mind because I came to see her. Through teary eyes we sort of make up, I try to allow her lie to soothe me but at the same time I know she is lying.
The trouble carries on back at school. That next weekend we have a long talk in which I tell her that we have to deal with our problems and get past them or we don't have a future. I lure her into a heart to heart conversation, I tell her that I was afraid that by placing herself in that situation she might have been in danger of being taken advantage of and that it was my concern for her that prompted my outrage.
She seems touched by the sentiment. I probe farther, I spend an hour talking about the value of honesty and how its easier to forgive a hurt that is revealed honestly than one that is found out. I try my hardest and succeed in pulling the biggest mind job on her that I could dream of. I transformed myself from potential victim to trustworthy confidant.
She admits to having had an unrequited love interest in one of these friends, I press for more, I find out that she kissed him, suppressing a host of every negative emotion known to man I press farther, they not only kissed but made out for roughly an hour and a half, mental images are stabbing daggers in my eyes my ears, my mind, I hear a high pitched ringing in the background, I have trouble finding my breath, a tear escapes my eye.
I ask her more directly this time but still trying to maintain my composure. "So do you still have feelings for him?" She admits that she is conflicted but finally admits she does. I ask her about the fact that she was going to go and stay in a hotel room with this guy the night after her encounter with him. In her defense she states that well I had made her angry and was therefore considering it.
I can't stand this anymore I snap, I am feel as if I am doubling up in pain. I tell her its over, I accuse of fucking him, she begins to protest her innocence, repeatedly "I made him stop because I love you"...over and over like her mantra. If it were true it wouldn't have happened in the first place, we break up, but we stayed in nearly daily contact. I withdrew from all of my friends, I am too ashamed of being betrayed to share with anyone, I feel less than a man, I become deeply depressed.
For the next year we still saw each other a lot, and would get back together and I would break up with her weekly. I had loved this person more than the sum total of all the love I had felt for anyone in my life, family included and couldn't bear to erase her like she deserved. So instead I took the low road, I was very emotionaly abusive to her for that year but she seemed to take it all in stride.
She said she would wait forever if that was how long it would take, and she actually started making me believe it. Things settled down, the experience seemed to change her, the power dynamic changed, I now had 100% control and I relished it. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, It became my goal to return the favor she dealt me, I wanted to cheat on her.
As sad as it sounds though at 22 and in the prime of my life I was too inept to succeed in my goal, I have been told by many that I am pretty attractive yet in the in the slang of the day I have "no game" whatsoever. I mean watching me trying to "mack" on a women is akin to watching a car accident you want to look away but you can't out of gruesome fascination. That being said I have had two opportunities to even the scales both of which were with attractive women but both of which I screwed up by first being too aggressive then not aggressive enough.
I eventually told my girlfriend of these escapades but embellished them a lot and made it out to be that they propositioned me and that I turned them down out of my desire to remain faithful. The point of this being to refresh her memory and make her feel guilty about her sin as time seemed to be easing that burden for her. I had convinced myself that I was capable of cheating on her even though I had failed in actually doing so. As perverse as this may sound to those reading I have clung to that as my refuge and reaffirmation of my manhood and my dignity.
**************************************************
Enter the present day, I am pushing 25 still trying to finish my undergrad and seeing all the 18 year olds running around I am feeling too old to be here. My relationship has healed a great deal, my earlier epiphany actually did a great deal to help me get closer to normal with my girl and in all honesty she has been absolutely angelic since then. However I am not the same person anymore.
She desparately wants to get married to me. She's already invested 4 1/2 years in me and am sure she wants to collect on that investment. For the most part I have resigned myself to that fate as well, just not in a hurry at all.
Now to get a little shallow just as a side note, bear with me please. Throughout our relationship she gained a lot of weight. She went from an extremely hot coed to outweighing me in excess of 20 pounds, I'm 5'11 and at the time about 180 lbs she is 5'10, you do the math. Even though her weightgain was such that my friends would often question my better judgement on staying with her I ignored them and though I can't say it pleased me I can say it didn't make me love her any less. My point was I was totally in love with the person and not the appearance. This was prior to her little dance with the devil.
Since then I have found her to be 100% less attractive. With the knowledge that the person on the inside nolonger made up for the person on the outside. Though I have not openly voiced this to her I have encouraged her to change this. To her credit she has lost about 20 pounds. I started working out and gained about 10 pounds of lean muscle in an attempt to regain my self confidence I am now a pretty fit 190 and at least 3 times stronger than I was. Sorry for losing sight of the point here...but its coming I promise.
My gym work has gotten me in an interesting situation, at a party a few days ago I met a very cute and petite blonde girl, I am extremely attracted to this girl and from what it seems she feels the same way and was rather aggressive that night. Anyway the gist is that she insisted on giving me her number, I called her and she wants to go out with me this weekend. I have gotten a very strong vibe from this 20yr old girl and know if giving the opportunity I will show her a night she will not soon forget.
My girlfriend lives in another city 2 hours away attending grad school, damn psyc majors get to graduate in 4 yrs
Anyway we talk at least 2 times a day and would make conjugal visits to one another almost every weekend. I am in the process of disinviting her this weekend so I can take out the hottie.
I have ridden the moral high horse our entire relationship, at first probably out of naivete and later due to lack of execution. I have long desired to heap a little filth on myself so that at least I wouldn't feel so damn selfrighteous(it feels like more of a curse than a blessing), and having only been with one woman perhaps I would also like to shed some inexperience.
So here I am, "On_the_brink" A twinge of conscience pulling one way and a torrent of many other feelings pulling the other. Getting it out is perhaps theraputic in and of itself but maybe some of you can share your opinions on this with me. What do you think I should do?
All I ask is that if you feel the need to flame me for whatever reason be as brutal as possible
P.S. I posted this also at infidelity.com...I did catch a little heat for this over there. Seems like they don't share my reasoning. Oh well.
I met my girlfriend when I was 20 and she was 19. She was my first time I was her third. We moved in together after 1 year of dating. We lived together for 1 year then we moved back out over the summer since we were still in college. We were still together and I thought very much in love. However we were fighting a bit more than usual just prior to that summer. We were in different parts of the same state for that summer but did visit each other whenever we'd get the chance and were in daily contact via phone/email.
I was making plans to propose in the fall. Just as school started we started fighting A LOT more and then the unthinkable happened, she went home for a weekend visit to her parents and some of her friends from high school (males) showed up and were going to take her to a party. She muffled the phone rather poorly and I overheard her saying to hold on she had to get me off the phone then she would go. Infuriatied I called her on it and hung up.
Later that night I called back to try and mend the fence but her mother said she had not come back from visiting with her friends, and I should call back later. So I did this time at like 1:30am, I woke up her mother who said rather exasperatedly that she wasn't home yet but probably would be soon and I should just call back in the morning. That night was one of the worst in my life. It was like a 6 hour panic attack and I am not an anxious person at all. I was breaking out in cold sweats and was filled with absolute dread. 7:30am comes around, haven't been able to sleep.
I call again, again her mom answers, this time she is very shaken, she doesn't know what to say to me, the love of my life didn't come home last night, I go silent, she tries to placate me, she reassures me that her friends are more on the order of brothers and that I have nothing to worry about. My instincts tell me better, I say goodbye and prepare for my road trip, I figure that if I speed I can make the 4 hour trip in less than that and get there before noon and maybe still catch her in bed with the guy I "knew" she was with.
Better judgement takes hold, I call a friend and break it down for him, he convinces me that if she did cheat then she wasn't worth it and that I would only end up going to jail for what I was planning to do to the guy, course changed, or at least postponed so instead I head to my parents' home. Halfway their I call her from a gas station, this time she is home, I asked her where she was the night before with acid dripping from my voice, she gets defensive and says she was just with her friends I mockingly tell her that I am thankful she got home safe, she knows I am mad and wants to talk, I hang up again. 90 mph feels slow on the road, but it gets me home.
I call later in the afternoon we fight she begins apologizing for her behavior, however not admitting infidelity just that she shouldn't have stayed out all night and freaked me out. She is absolutely submissive and apologetic on the phone, she begged me to come to her parent's I vow that if she ever pulls that crap again she's history, and then I go. I get there in the evening we meet up with some of her friends again, but not the one I suspect.
Later that night we fight again. This time she is the aggressor and attempts to put me "in my place" for being a jerk to her, I find her sweetness earlier on the phone was a ruse to get me there so she could argue with me without me hanging up on her. She admits only to getting drunk and sleeping it off at her friends place where the party was, she also admits to being invited to a concert with them in a neighboring city in which she would have had to share a hotel room with them, she tells me that because of the way I was on the phone she was going to go but only changed her mind because I came to see her. Through teary eyes we sort of make up, I try to allow her lie to soothe me but at the same time I know she is lying.
The trouble carries on back at school. That next weekend we have a long talk in which I tell her that we have to deal with our problems and get past them or we don't have a future. I lure her into a heart to heart conversation, I tell her that I was afraid that by placing herself in that situation she might have been in danger of being taken advantage of and that it was my concern for her that prompted my outrage.
She seems touched by the sentiment. I probe farther, I spend an hour talking about the value of honesty and how its easier to forgive a hurt that is revealed honestly than one that is found out. I try my hardest and succeed in pulling the biggest mind job on her that I could dream of. I transformed myself from potential victim to trustworthy confidant.
She admits to having had an unrequited love interest in one of these friends, I press for more, I find out that she kissed him, suppressing a host of every negative emotion known to man I press farther, they not only kissed but made out for roughly an hour and a half, mental images are stabbing daggers in my eyes my ears, my mind, I hear a high pitched ringing in the background, I have trouble finding my breath, a tear escapes my eye.
I ask her more directly this time but still trying to maintain my composure. "So do you still have feelings for him?" She admits that she is conflicted but finally admits she does. I ask her about the fact that she was going to go and stay in a hotel room with this guy the night after her encounter with him. In her defense she states that well I had made her angry and was therefore considering it.
I can't stand this anymore I snap, I am feel as if I am doubling up in pain. I tell her its over, I accuse of fucking him, she begins to protest her innocence, repeatedly "I made him stop because I love you"...over and over like her mantra. If it were true it wouldn't have happened in the first place, we break up, but we stayed in nearly daily contact. I withdrew from all of my friends, I am too ashamed of being betrayed to share with anyone, I feel less than a man, I become deeply depressed.
For the next year we still saw each other a lot, and would get back together and I would break up with her weekly. I had loved this person more than the sum total of all the love I had felt for anyone in my life, family included and couldn't bear to erase her like she deserved. So instead I took the low road, I was very emotionaly abusive to her for that year but she seemed to take it all in stride.
She said she would wait forever if that was how long it would take, and she actually started making me believe it. Things settled down, the experience seemed to change her, the power dynamic changed, I now had 100% control and I relished it. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, It became my goal to return the favor she dealt me, I wanted to cheat on her.
As sad as it sounds though at 22 and in the prime of my life I was too inept to succeed in my goal, I have been told by many that I am pretty attractive yet in the in the slang of the day I have "no game" whatsoever. I mean watching me trying to "mack" on a women is akin to watching a car accident you want to look away but you can't out of gruesome fascination. That being said I have had two opportunities to even the scales both of which were with attractive women but both of which I screwed up by first being too aggressive then not aggressive enough.
I eventually told my girlfriend of these escapades but embellished them a lot and made it out to be that they propositioned me and that I turned them down out of my desire to remain faithful. The point of this being to refresh her memory and make her feel guilty about her sin as time seemed to be easing that burden for her. I had convinced myself that I was capable of cheating on her even though I had failed in actually doing so. As perverse as this may sound to those reading I have clung to that as my refuge and reaffirmation of my manhood and my dignity.
**************************************************
Enter the present day, I am pushing 25 still trying to finish my undergrad and seeing all the 18 year olds running around I am feeling too old to be here. My relationship has healed a great deal, my earlier epiphany actually did a great deal to help me get closer to normal with my girl and in all honesty she has been absolutely angelic since then. However I am not the same person anymore.
She desparately wants to get married to me. She's already invested 4 1/2 years in me and am sure she wants to collect on that investment. For the most part I have resigned myself to that fate as well, just not in a hurry at all.
Now to get a little shallow just as a side note, bear with me please. Throughout our relationship she gained a lot of weight. She went from an extremely hot coed to outweighing me in excess of 20 pounds, I'm 5'11 and at the time about 180 lbs she is 5'10, you do the math. Even though her weightgain was such that my friends would often question my better judgement on staying with her I ignored them and though I can't say it pleased me I can say it didn't make me love her any less. My point was I was totally in love with the person and not the appearance. This was prior to her little dance with the devil.
Since then I have found her to be 100% less attractive. With the knowledge that the person on the inside nolonger made up for the person on the outside. Though I have not openly voiced this to her I have encouraged her to change this. To her credit she has lost about 20 pounds. I started working out and gained about 10 pounds of lean muscle in an attempt to regain my self confidence I am now a pretty fit 190 and at least 3 times stronger than I was. Sorry for losing sight of the point here...but its coming I promise.
My gym work has gotten me in an interesting situation, at a party a few days ago I met a very cute and petite blonde girl, I am extremely attracted to this girl and from what it seems she feels the same way and was rather aggressive that night. Anyway the gist is that she insisted on giving me her number, I called her and she wants to go out with me this weekend. I have gotten a very strong vibe from this 20yr old girl and know if giving the opportunity I will show her a night she will not soon forget.
My girlfriend lives in another city 2 hours away attending grad school, damn psyc majors get to graduate in 4 yrs
Anyway we talk at least 2 times a day and would make conjugal visits to one another almost every weekend. I am in the process of disinviting her this weekend so I can take out the hottie. I have ridden the moral high horse our entire relationship, at first probably out of naivete and later due to lack of execution. I have long desired to heap a little filth on myself so that at least I wouldn't feel so damn selfrighteous(it feels like more of a curse than a blessing), and having only been with one woman perhaps I would also like to shed some inexperience.
So here I am, "On_the_brink" A twinge of conscience pulling one way and a torrent of many other feelings pulling the other. Getting it out is perhaps theraputic in and of itself but maybe some of you can share your opinions on this with me. What do you think I should do?
All I ask is that if you feel the need to flame me for whatever reason be as brutal as possible
P.S. I posted this also at infidelity.com...I did catch a little heat for this over there. Seems like they don't share my reasoning. Oh well.
Last edited:
