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I work at a bike shop that does snowboards too. Well the new Ride catalog came out and has some funny "dump" scenarios at the bottom of some pages that I thought I'd share. You pricks better appreciate these cause I had to type them all by hand.
The Perfect Dump- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump- it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expect the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding fartless masterpeice that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. You use some tissue only to find it was totally unnecessary.
Lincoln Log Dump- This is the kind thats so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little peice with the toilet brush.
The Flu Dump- You feel so bad that you don't know which end to put down first.You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog so you stand up, and cramps squeeze your intentines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. don't you wish mom was close by?
Houdini Dump- Yo go then you stand up to flush and it disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking just out of sight? Should you wipe? Should you flush?
The Beer Dump- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could be 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Machine Gun Dump-You're just sitting htere in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the stal next to you hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shreiking something about "damn commies".
The Encore Dump- Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you fel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The worlds record is 7 encores.
The Empty Roll Dump- You're done.. you reach for the toilet paper only to discover it's empty. A mild panic begins. You could use the curtains...no someone would say "where are the curtains?" then what would you say? the rug? Too cumbersome. Then you come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll dumper" must face...wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Sound Effect Dump- You feel a noisy one coming coming on. relative, friends, or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to over the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here.
The Mona Lisa- this is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as can be. Delicate and slender with intracies that would make DaVinci weep. You may want to break out the polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.
The Childbirth Dump- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperature proided by nature for the purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and isn't going to get any easier. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the news headlines "mad dies trying to hatch monster loaf".
The Splash Back- you send the dump on its way. it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. now your wet and embarassed. Tip: blot instead of wiping.
The Cable Dump- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpant. You wonder admiringly"did I do that?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Born Again Dump- This is a dump that's going so badly, you say" lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" You always get through it but seldome keep your promise you made in desperation, beacuse the born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.
The Porta-Pottie Dump- Construction workers and concert goers will tell you about it. best description is "it's like taking a dump in an upright coffin" it's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice.. go in a paper cup.
The Cling On- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. So, you grip the sides with both hands and wriggle, but that last little stubborn piece just hangs in there suspended, clinging like a canned peach.
The Whole Roll Dump- no matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Proctologist Dump- in the beginning the lord created the earth, the sky, and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there's nothing biblical about it...you run out of gas. Thats right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further.
The Chili Dump- Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Tijuana Trot- The phrase "shit happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours, you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you.
Ok so I was bored at work.
Feel free to add any.
The Perfect Dump- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump- it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expect the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding fartless masterpeice that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. You use some tissue only to find it was totally unnecessary.
Lincoln Log Dump- This is the kind thats so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little peice with the toilet brush.
The Flu Dump- You feel so bad that you don't know which end to put down first.You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog so you stand up, and cramps squeeze your intentines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. don't you wish mom was close by?
Houdini Dump- Yo go then you stand up to flush and it disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking just out of sight? Should you wipe? Should you flush?
The Beer Dump- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could be 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Machine Gun Dump-You're just sitting htere in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the stal next to you hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shreiking something about "damn commies".
The Encore Dump- Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you fel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The worlds record is 7 encores.
The Empty Roll Dump- You're done.. you reach for the toilet paper only to discover it's empty. A mild panic begins. You could use the curtains...no someone would say "where are the curtains?" then what would you say? the rug? Too cumbersome. Then you come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll dumper" must face...wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Sound Effect Dump- You feel a noisy one coming coming on. relative, friends, or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to over the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here.
The Mona Lisa- this is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as can be. Delicate and slender with intracies that would make DaVinci weep. You may want to break out the polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.
The Childbirth Dump- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperature proided by nature for the purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and isn't going to get any easier. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the news headlines "mad dies trying to hatch monster loaf".
The Splash Back- you send the dump on its way. it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. now your wet and embarassed. Tip: blot instead of wiping.
The Cable Dump- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpant. You wonder admiringly"did I do that?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Born Again Dump- This is a dump that's going so badly, you say" lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" You always get through it but seldome keep your promise you made in desperation, beacuse the born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.
The Porta-Pottie Dump- Construction workers and concert goers will tell you about it. best description is "it's like taking a dump in an upright coffin" it's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice.. go in a paper cup.
The Cling On- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. So, you grip the sides with both hands and wriggle, but that last little stubborn piece just hangs in there suspended, clinging like a canned peach.
The Whole Roll Dump- no matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Proctologist Dump- in the beginning the lord created the earth, the sky, and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there's nothing biblical about it...you run out of gas. Thats right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further.
The Chili Dump- Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Tijuana Trot- The phrase "shit happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours, you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you.
Ok so I was bored at work.
Feel free to add any.
