Don't ask, don't tell....

[drgoodbody]

Sometimes it's easier to give advice than listen to your own advice. It seems that I keep stepping in this one. I've got a nasty habit of sharing too much about my past relationships with my current relation, and vice versa (her telling me previous stuff)...sometimes more than either of us should know. BAD, BAD, BAD idea. Next time you're going down on your lady, just think about all the other guys who've fucked the hell of her and banged her ass, cum in her mouth, sucked on her tits, etc... and I promise you, that unless you're a swinger or very open minded, you'll be limp in 60 seconds or less. Oh and ladies, same goes; just picture your man ramming some girls ass with the same cock that you've got in your mouth, or fingering and eating some chick with the same tongue you're sucking on, etc.... not good images to have when you're in the middle of the dirty deed yourselves.

Maybe I'm just turning prude in my old age, but I think I'd rather not know what went on before I got there....

DrG

 

[Bikini Mod]

Personally I don't have this problem. I WANT TO KNOW about a guy's past relationships to try and get a gauge for where his head is at now. I am totally open about my past as I have nothing to hide and I wouldn''t want him to hear anything from somebody else.

I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Why would I care where his dick was before as long as he is with me NOW? I am not going to lay down with a man who doesn't have affection and respect for me so what would it matter what he did to any other girl before?

If a man doesn't want to hear about me and past guys, ok I will just be silent. But me, I WANT to know about him.

 

[sniper007]

taboo subject

I hear ya on that one, If asked how many I just say not the right one yet, that usually charms the pants right off. I try not to even think about where the lady has been before, becaus theres no quicker cock deflater than that.

 

[Sinistar]

cock deflator

might as well just split it like a hotdog.

 

[vinylgroover]

I don't really care what went on before me. As long as i don't physically see any of her ex's or people she's fucked, then it doesn't worry me.

If i did see one of her ex's and he looked like a bummed out hippy with scabs and shit everywhere, then i would think twice about licking her ass out etc.

But otherwise, it doesn't worry me greatly.

 

[drgoodbody]

well...

Just to be clear on one thing--- This is NOT about jealousy, its about being very uncomfortable with the ideas planted in your mind. It's kind of like seeing a horrible image that scares the shit out of you or makes you ill, it can be very hard to get it out of your head. I don't want to have those images, so I'd really rather not know about it, except in vague terms, such as "yeah, she wasn't a virgin before she met me."

DrG

 

[Bikini Mod]

I am curious now to see if this is a "guy" thing. Men are supposed to be "experienced" while women are not so I just wonder....

Me, I have always dated men older than myself so it was never a question that he had been with others. As a matter of fact, the notion about being with a virgin turns me off BIGTIME.

I asked my last guy how many women he had had just purely out of curiosity. His reply? He honestly couldn't even begin to guess. Did that bother me? Nope.

Are you guys saying that it really bothers you THAT much that you have some sort of performance anxiety if you get a mental image in your head of another man with your girl? Me, the thought never crossed my mind and now that I am trying to visualize it (as I had an ex and actually saw his ex) it still doesn't bother me.

 

[vinylgroover]

Are you guys saying that it really bothers you THAT much that you have some sort of performance anxiety if you get a mental image in your head of another man with your girl? Me, the thought never crossed my mind and now that I am trying to visualize it (as I had an ex and actually saw his ex) it still doesn't bother me.

I think Dr Goodbody is talking about the visual aspect of previous partners.

It's not about performance anxiety or insecurity, it's more about seeing something that repulses you which then makes you nervous about being with your partner, ie how would you react if you saw one of your boyfirneds ex's and she was a street hooker with track marks on her arms and scabs on the front of her shins. Know what i mean

 

[Bikini Mod]

Well that is a little extreme, don't you think Vinyl? LOL I mean how many people have actually doinked someone like that.

Seriously, I wonder if it is a "guy" thing. Nearly every man that I have been with was disturbed to some degree if I talked about other men. Yet, I am not remotely disturbed by the thought of a man that I am intimate with having been with other women.

 

[vinylgroover]

Well that is a little extreme, don't you think Vinyl? LOL I mean how many people have actually doinked someone like that.

Seriously, I wonder if it is a "guy" thing. Nearly every man that I have been with was disturbed to some degree if I talked about other men. Yet, I am not remotely disturbed by the thought of a man that I am intimate with having been with other women.

LOL, it is extreme.

It doesn't worry me Bmom in the slightest Bmom.........most other men haven't got my moves anyway so it's not like i'd ever be jealous

 

[Bikini Mod]

HEhehehehehee Stop that. Yea, I got it all goin' on alright... algoin' right to the dogs!!! hehehehehehee

See Vinyl that is what I am talking about. You know that you are a good lover so then why remotely sweat it if your girl has had another. Matter of fact the way I look at it any guy who gets to be with me can compare.... chances are if we clicked just right, no matter WHO he has been with or WILL BE WITH - I will be on his mind! hehehehehehehehhee (Maybe I am delusional, but it works for me!)

 

[mvmaxx]

Why don't people like hearing about their partners past relationship?

Because they are INSECURE. Bottom line.

 

[Bikini Mod]

LOL@Dialtone

 

[Spectre]

It bothered me when I was younger but I could care less now. MV is on the money.

 

[Robert Jan]

"So tell me the names of the lovers you had,
before I came along" - Mick Jagger (lyric)

 

[TEXgrl]

I don't really care what went on before me. As long as i don't physically see any of her ex's or people she's fucked, then it doesn't worry me.

If i did see one of her ex's and he looked like a bummed out hippy with scabs and shit everywhere, then i would think twice about licking her ass out etc.

But otherwise, it doesn't worry me greatly.

i feel the same way, i don't worry or care what happened before me, and after being married 10 years, i don't even mind if i see them either, the way i look at it, if they were important, he would have kept them around and not have stuck with me.

 

[guards]

I'm in the same boat as you bro. Regardless of the technicalities, I really don't want to picture and of my girls past experiences...it truly bothers me. I know it may be a double standard since i have been with many people before my current girl, but i can't help feeling the way that i do.

 

[drgoodbody]

I'm in the same boat as you bro. Regardless of the technicalities, I really don't want to picture and of my girls past experiences...it truly bothers me. I know it may be a double standard since i have been with many people before my current girl, but i can't help feeling the way that i do.

Exactly - It has NOTHING to do with jealousy or insecurity about myself. I has to do with not liking to picture another cock where my mouth and dick like to go.

later,

DrG

 

[Saizen]

Bottom line, for m at least...I don't care. So my g/f had other men. No way!! Really? So I had other women. You gotta be kidding me! Shit, we even know how many threesomes we've had! Who cares! We're together now and that's what counts. Not what has happened in the passed.

 

[guards]

Bottom line, for m at least...I don't care. So my g/f had other men. No way!! Really? So I had other women. You gotta be kidding me! Shit, we even know how many threesomes we've had! Who cares! We're together now and that's what counts. Not what has happened in the passed.

I would love to be able to do that....except that i am a firm believer that our past is what makes us what we are in the present. Therefor, past partners will play a huge role in your current sexual situation.

 

[Saizen]

Originally posted by guards

except that i am a firm believer that our past is what makes us what we are in the present. Therefor, past partners will play a huge role in your current sexual situation.

I see what you're saying and I agree that passed experiences can and will shape and mold us to define our present character, morals, views and opinions. But on that token I think that one should not live in the passed because that is not healthy in my view. The passed, is just that, the passed. Focus on what is infront of you presently and don't bothered with passed issues.

 

[guards]

Originally posted by guards



I see what you're saying and I agree that passed experiences can and will shape and mold us to define our present character, morals, views and opinions. But on that token I think that one should not live in the passed because that is not healthy in my view. The passed, is just that, the passed. Focus on what is infront of you presently and don't bothered with passed issues.

In a perfect world, the absence of the past would be complete bliss. I totally agree with you that living in the past is not something that is healthy nor is it something that should be common-place. That being said, when it comes to my girls past sexual partners and experiences, i have a terribly difficult time not letting the past influence the present. Maybe it is a state of mind that i am not party to, i do not know, but I will never be able to be with someone whose sexual history does not correspond with what I deem as the ideal or acceptable.

It's not a perfect system but it hasn't failed me thus far.

 

[drgoodbody]

Maybe it is a state of mind that i am not party to, i do not know, but I will never be able to be with someone whose sexual history does not correspond with what I deem as the ideal or acceptable.

That is the essence of what I am talking about in my original post. For example you've been with 7-8 women in your life and you know that your girl has been with at least 2-3 times that number. Do you really want to know the details behind this? Or would it basically turn you off completely and send you running for the nearest bathroom to puke your guts out? I don't want to stick my head in the sand, but shit, I've learned that sometimes to certain degree "ignore is bliss".

DrG

 

[Saizen]

Originally posted by guards

In a perfect world, the absence of the past would be complete bliss. I totally agree with you that living in the past is not something that is healthy nor is it something that should be common-place. That being said, when it comes to my girls past sexual partners and experiences, i have a terribly difficult time not letting the past influence the present. Maybe it is a state of mind that i am not party to, i do not know, but I will never be able to be with someone whose sexual history does not correspond with what I deem as the ideal or acceptable.

I know couple of good friends of mine share your same sentiment on the matter, which I totally respect, by the way, and don't find anything wrong with. But, they seem to have this "macho test." filled mentality that if they were ever to find out that the women slept with more people than they have, they would have some sense of inferiority? Or even consider the woman a slut! Now mind you, I don't know you at all and by no means am I implying that this would apply to you in any way shape or form. But as for my friends, they would never be able to cope with knowing that their partner had more partners than they had.

Let me ask you this. I'm not sure if your married or have a g/f, but, let just say you met this awesome looking women, smart, fun to be with and everything is perfect but you find out that she had more sexual partners than you. Would you stop dating her because of her passed? Would you end a possible great relationship because of what happened a few years back and knowing full well that you have no control over what has happened in the passed?

 

[guards]

Originally posted by guards



I know couple of good friends of mine share your same sentiment on the matter, which I totally respect, by the way, and don't find anything wrong with. But, they seem to have this "macho test." filled mentality that if they were ever to find out that the women slept with more people than they have, they would have some sense of inferiority? Or even consider the woman a slut! Now mind you, I don't know you at all and by no means am I implying that this would apply to you in any way shape or form. But as for my friends, they would never be able to cope with knowing that their partner had more partners than they had.

Let me ask you this. I'm not sure if your married or have a g/f, but, let just say you met this awesome looking women, smart, fun to be with and everything is perfect but you find out that she had more sexual partners than you. Would you stop dating her because of her passed? Would you end a possible great relationship because of what happened a few years back and knowing full well that you have no control over what has happened in the passed?

I don't believe I would not date someone because of how many sexual partners that they had had. I like to think i am more mature than that. However, it will not stop me from thinking about it. Depending on the person and so many other variables, the thought could help or ruin the relationship in question.

For example:

If my new girlfriend had slept with 100 people, and was blatantly open about that fact, and continued to act promiscuous, it would bother.

OR

If my new girlfriend had slept with 100 people but was dicreet abotu it IE didn;'t rub my face in it, than i don't see how it would be a problem.


I have a shady past myself, so putting the past behind us is an important thing, I agree. Yet it is how the past is applied to the present and the future that matters most to me.


Did I lose ya there?

 

[Sinistar]

i differ

first let me say i am an angry, bitter man.

the number matters to me. if she blows me out of the water like 3 to 1 im not insecure, im jealous. im very serious, im jealous and competitive. it makes me wonder why i dont meet more sluts like the one i WAS thinking about dating.

i dont think numbers talk or talk of past lovers is meant for pre-first-fuck discussion. if youve been around, and lets be real here, and unless you damn sure he has been to youd be better off shutting what we call the fuck up. after hes been there a few times and youve got a repiore, and if you just HAVE to tell him, try it. then live with what happens. after all you just HAD to tell him and HAD to know.

tell him your porno like number before hooking up, and i gaurantee most guys, like %70 at least, will stop calling or just bang you and then stop calling.

but think of it this way: you helped a guy get another notch on his belt, and its not like meeting men is a problem for you right?

 

[goliath.jr]

Oh my God! Bro - I have a MAJOR problem with this. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have been married just over a year. While she was in college, she fuked a lot of guys. I don't know a number because I am to terrified to ask. She has even told me that she thinks she was a sex addict. The problem is that a lot of these guys are NOT anonymous faces. I know a lot of them, and several have been Friends of mine in the past. She has had 2 guys at once on several occasions, several 3 somes with guy/another girl.

God - even writing this is making me want to cry.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that she has always been and will always be faithfully to me. I have such a hard time coping with this that I have felt the need for counseling for myself - not her and myself. I know that it is MY problem. She has done nothing wrong. I love my wife with all of my heart and we have the most loving and fantastic relationship I could EVER dream of having. I am not one of those people that views sex as just sex. I have always been a one woman kind of guy - even in high school and beyond. I REALLY wish that she would have kept these things from me. Not lied, but not told me *quite* so much. These images pop into my head everyday of my wife on her back sucking some guys cock while another guys fucks her. God - I can't think of this anymore. These torturing thoughts enter my head daily and the last time I tried talking to my wife about it, she thought I was calling her a slut. I do not think a single bad thing about my wife. It's hard for me to make her understand it though when I don't understand it myself. If ANYONE knows of anyway to help me, please let me know. I would do anything to have these thoughts end and stop torturing me daily. I want to understand...

 

[goliath.jr]

Jesus man - maybe I am really insecure with myself? But I don't think so - I hold my head high! I KNOW my wife would never cheat on me. Maybe it is jealosy, being competitive - FUK I don't know...

 

[drgoodbody]

Oh my God! Bro - I have a MAJOR problem with this. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have been married just over a year. While she was in college, she fuked a lot of guys. I don't know a number because I am to terrified to ask. She has even told me that she thinks she was a sex addict. The problem is that a lot of these guys are NOT anonymous faces. I know a lot of them, and several have been Friends of mine in the past. She has had 2 guys at once on several occasions, several 3 somes with guy/another girl.

God - even writing this is making me want to cry.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that she has always been and will always be faithfully to me. I have such a hard time coping with this that I have felt the need for counseling for myself - not her and myself. I know that it is MY problem. She has done nothing wrong. I love my wife with all of my heart and we have the most loving and fantastic relationship I could EVER dream of having. I am not one of those people that views sex as just sex. I have always been a one woman kind of guy - even in high school and beyond. I REALLY wish that she would have kept these things from me. Not lied, but not told me *quite* so much. These images pop into my head everyday of my wife on her back sucking some guys cock while another guys fucks her. God - I can't think of this anymore. These torturing thoughts enter my head daily and the last time I tried talking to my wife about it, she thought I was calling her a slut. I do not think a single bad thing about my wife. It's hard for me to make her understand it though when I don't understand it myself. If ANYONE knows of anyway to help me, please let me know. I would do anything to have these thoughts end and stop torturing me daily. I want to understand...

Bro, your post is breaking my heart - and that's not easy to do. I hate hearing about the visions in your head, and yes, it certainly would be better if you didn't know as much as you do. But if you really love her, and want to stay with her, you have to eventually let it go. Otherwise it will consume you and you will never be able to truly be happy. Ultimately, if you can't let it go, then you might be better off letting her go. I hate to say that, but that's what might be best in the long run.

Stay strong Bro,

DrG

PS: Try to talk to her about how you feel without calling her a slut - let her know you love her and that you know these things are ancient history, but that the thought of her with anyone but you hurts so bad. And that you hope by communicating about it that you will get some relief - and hopefullyshe will let you know just how much you mean to her too. That's the only advice I've got bro.

 

[Sinistar]

goliath

theres a prob dood. you do not sound like the type of guy that would even absent mindedly infer she was a slut. could she possibly be using this thing to jab you with? something to get under your skin? its not any of my business bro, but something about that post kinda set off a bell. i could be totally wrong.

 

[Spectre]

Oh my God! Bro - I have a MAJOR problem with this. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have been married just over a year. While she was in college, she fuked a lot of guys. I don't know a number because I am to terrified to ask. She has even told me that she thinks she was a sex addict. The problem is that a lot of these guys are NOT anonymous faces. I know a lot of them, and several have been Friends of mine in the past. She has had 2 guys at once on several occasions, several 3 somes with guy/another girl.

God - even writing this is making me want to cry.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that she has always been and will always be faithfully to me. I have such a hard time coping with this that I have felt the need for counseling for myself - not her and myself. I know that it is MY problem. She has done nothing wrong. I love my wife with all of my heart and we have the most loving and fantastic relationship I could EVER dream of having. I am not one of those people that views sex as just sex. I have always been a one woman kind of guy - even in high school and beyond. I REALLY wish that she would have kept these things from me. Not lied, but not told me *quite* so much. These images pop into my head everyday of my wife on her back sucking some guys cock while another guys fucks her. God - I can't think of this anymore. These torturing thoughts enter my head daily and the last time I tried talking to my wife about it, she thought I was calling her a slut. I do not think a single bad thing about my wife. It's hard for me to make her understand it though when I don't understand it myself. If ANYONE knows of anyway to help me, please let me know. I would do anything to have these thoughts end and stop torturing me daily. I want to understand...

Goliath; I admire your self honesty with the situation. It's tough and I don't have any advice. But with your ability to be honest with yourself, I feel that you can work it all out gracefully. She found something in you she couldn't find otherwise and you are rewarded with her love a faithfulness. It will pass. Good luck

 

[goliath.jr]

Re: goliath

theres a prob dood. you do not sound like the type of guy that would even absent mindedly infer she was a slut. could she possibly be using this thing to jab you with? something to get under your skin? its not any of my business bro, but something about that post kinda set off a bell. i could be totally wrong.

Not at all bro - she treats me like a king. To be honest, these mental images are a lot worse when on a cycle. If I'm off, they are there, but are much more easily dismissed. I would never in a million years split up with her over this. She is a fantastic woman! When she told me about her past, I had to drag it out of her. The whole time I was asking about it, I knew that I really didn't want to know. It was like I just couldn't stop asking questions. She would NEVER do anything to hurt me...

 

[goliath.jr]

She found something in you she couldn't find otherwise and you are rewarded with her love a faithfulness. It will pass. Good luck

That's what she tells me and I feel the same. I know it will pass. I love this girl more than I thought was possible. In the 5 years we have been together, we have been in only one argument! We get along so well and are so compatible that it's scarry. I think we make other couples sick, LOL. Anyway - I'll work it out. It will just take time I think...

 

[goliath.jr]

Another VERY important thing that she tells me when we talk about this is the fact that she is a VERY different person now. She didn't like herself very much back then. I am a very different person now as well. Back then I was doing a lot of drugs. I don't do anything other than AAS now. We both have a lot more self respect and a mutual love for each other and for our lives together. We have all done things in the past that we are not proud of. God knows I have. We all have. But it is in the PAST! My wife is the most loving, tender, and caring person I have ever met. The type of person she has grown to become is the total oposite end of the spectrum from where she was in her college days. Besides - c'mon when you are in college, what are the two favorite past times of any student with a life - beer and fucking. Mine just happened to be beer and drugs, then fucking. I honestly feel better getting this stuff off of my chest. Now my favorite past times are making love to my wife, long walks in the park with my wife, fuking the hell out of my wife, getting kinky as hell with my wife...damn I can't wait till she gets home. I'm gonna tie her down and erm - nevermind. Thanks for listening (err, reading) guys. Thanks for the support - I feel better.

I'm off to the gym to throw some heavy stuff around...

 

[busdriver1]

Goliath, I feel your pain bro. I was in a similar situation. My girl had slept with a dozen men before me, no threesomes or anything like that, but however it was too many for me. I dated her for a year and a half, even thought of marying her one day, but everyday that i was with her I thought about all those guys she slept with and all those dicks she sucked. It bothered the hell out of me. I found myself treating her badly alot of times because of it. Sometimes I wouldn't let it bother me but most of the time I was thinking about it and it affected our relationship. I should have never asked but I knew her before we started dating and I knew about a few of the guys and I just wanted to know how many. I want to know everything about the person that i am going to marry. We even broke up a few times and I swore that if she took me back I would not let it bother me and love her for who she is, didnt work- I would be fine for about a week and then be right back to the way I felt before. She had told me that a few of the guys were one night stands and that made it worse. How can you respect a girl enough to marry her when she tells you things like that, I am sorry but I cant. My brothers both married virgins and I guess I envy that and want a girl like that. She doesnt have to be a virgin but a little purer than my ex. well anyway we broke up for good and yeh I missed being with her for awhile but once I got over that I have never been happier. I am telling you man, I know you married your girl and all but that feeling that you have aint never gonna go away. You really need to sit and think about it man. If it makes you depressed and angry and whatever else like it made me you need to get out or try to get over it quick because it will eat at you and eat at you until you will not be able to handle it any longer. you said that you viewed sex as being something more than just fuckin, I am with ya bro and i be damned if I am going to marry a girl that views sex as being nothing more than a kiss. Dont cheat yourself man, if it bothers you that much you need to check yourself and decide if you can get over it. I personally cant see how a person could marry a girl that has had numerous threesomes, you are a better man than me bro. But on the same note, if you can forgive and forget then more power to ya. But if you dont think you will ever stop thinking about it and it will bother you right on, you really need to think about your situation. And dont listen to those that say talk to her about it, It only makes it worse, it only puts more images in your head and you damn sure dont want that. Good luck to you bro.

 

[busdriver1]

And another thing, your girl says that she is a different person now and I am sure she is, but damn if you do enough of something eventually you're gonna get tired of doing it. And the whole thing about not feeling good about herself, yeh I heard that shit form my ex, screw that shit, girls gotta learn to respect themselves and their bodies. The whole bit about not feeling good about herself is a cop out, she knew that the only way to get any attention from all those guys was to sleep with them. Screw that, you cant respect that, i dont care when it happened, 5, 10, 20 years ago, whatever, she should have thought about what she was doing when she was doing it. Get out man! you deserve better!

 

[goliath.jr]

Sorry bro - I know you're trying to help. But I resent that post. I have nothing but respect for my wife. She is a beutifull person all the way around.

 

[Ceebs]

I don't remember the exact quote, but Chris Rock had a great standup routine about women in relationships and promiscuity. It went something like this: "No matter how many men a woman has been with before you, it's TOO! GOD! DAMN! MANY! She might say 'two', and you'll say, 'TWO?! You dirty whore!'."

I don't know how many girls my boyfriend has been with, and I don't care. What matters is that he didn't pick up a disease from any of them, and that I'm the one he's with now.

 

[busdriver1]

I apologize man, you sound like good people. I guess I need to learn how to forgive people for their past. I say that I have never been happier but I am not so sure. My ex and I could have enjoyed a long relationship if I could have got over my shit and a little stupid pride. Damn me and that girl had some good times. She was totally devoted to me and would do anything for me. Well, whats done is done and I guess and I have to live with that. Again man, I apologize for what I said and hope you and yours have a long and happy marriage.

 

[goliath.jr]

I apologize man, you sound like good people. I guess I need to learn how to forgive people for their past. I say that I have never been happier but I am not so sure. My ex and I could have enjoyed a long relationship if I could have got over my shit and a little stupid pride. Damn me and that girl had some good times. She was totally devoted to me and would do anything for me. Well, whats done is done and I guess and I have to live with that. Again man, I apologize for what I said and hope you and yours have a long and happy marriage.

Thank you - I'm sure we will...

 

[spainer]

I would actually rather be with somebody who had some experiance. Show that they are not extremely uptight. The body is a beutiful thing to be enjoyed by both sexes. In hibited people really turn me off.