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BrothaBill
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I had really low expectations for “Be Cool." Not just because John Travolta hasn't made a good movie since "Pulp Fiction" and yet he still commands $20 million per picture, or that he's a Scientologist who has an unbelievably hot wife and a Boeing 707 to boot. That's just why I hate Travolta.
Let's start with the fact that "Be Cool" is an unnecessary sequel. "Get Shorty" was not exactly a classic, but it was a pretty decent little film that probably didn't need a followup almost ten years after the original. Which brings me to my next point: Elmore Leonard novels generally don’t make good movies. "Be Cool" proves this once and for all. I officially have two movies on the list for Most Craptacular Film of 2005 and one of them is "Be Cool." For fuck's sake, its only March and I still haven't seen that new monument to craptasm starring Vin Diesel.
This film was so aggravating that the realization of its total craptacularity took me awhile to fully digest. "Be Cool" was trying to sell me on what’s cool, and tell me what to think, from the self-deprecating comments about Hollywood’s sinister business practices to the stupid fucking jokes that seemed to wink at me while I’m stuffing my face full of delicious, totally fat-free, cherry flavored Twizzlers™ (Product endorsement! ).While I was being told what to like, when to laugh and what’s cool, all I could think about was how unbelievably uncool it actually was (the movie, not the Twizzlers™).
For those of you who do not remember “Get Shorty,” we left the tough-mobster-with-a-heart-of-gold Chili Palmer (John Travolta) in Hollywood with a burgeoning career in the movie business and dating a hot-piece-of-ass. He even had a mini-van. But now the movie business has become too compromising and Chili is struggling under the thumb of "ennui." That's French for boredom, I think. Chili says it himself in the opening scene, as he drives down Sunset Boulevard. Referring to the sequel of the movie that served as the subject in “Get Shorty,” Chili says something like, “Sometimes you have to compromise.” Whatever.
The story you ask? Chili Palmer’s music producer friend, played by James Woods in a cameo performance, is gunned down by a Russian mobster who apparently is shooting magic bullets from an enchanted gun. I only mention it because one of the bullets hits Chili’s Cadillac. The car, according to the camera angles, was parked around the corner from where the gunmen fired the shots. Perhaps there was another gunman on Sepulveda? Back and to the left.
After his friend dies, Chili decides to go into the music business. Chili needs something to believe in, and as luck would have it, he knows a blossoming young singer, named Linda Moon (Christina Milian). Fortunately, his friend’s wife, Edie (Uma Thurman) is still running NTL Records, so Chili can get involved with her. After all, there’s nothing wrong with laying the pipe to your gruesomely murdered friend’s wife.
There's also this plot involving a dispute between Chili and Linda Moon’s management team, Raji (Vince Vaughn) and Nick Carr (Harvey Keitel), over the talented young singer. Along the way, the dispute expands to involve a gangsta music producer, played by Cedric the Entertainer and his crew fronted by Outkast’s Andre 3000. And The Rock unconvincingly plays a big, gay bodyguard named Eliot Wilhelm. You know what? I’m getting bored recapping the plot for you. So let me give you the only thing that really matters about the movie—my humble opinion.
Typically, actors are put in a movie to help sell the movie to a crowd of nimrods willing to lay down their money to watch blinking lights, tits or explosions. This time, though, no matter how many people lay down their money to watch this thing, the actors who appeared in “Be Cool” will never be able to buy back their dignity, which represents a unique situation because so many actors lined up to do cameos. Just about everyone who had something to do with this movie is a sell out, or has already sold out. There were too many to list them all here, but trust me on this.
Putting the poor satirizing and self-referencing jokes aside, “Be Cool,” like all craptastic movies made in Hollywood, showed up to the theater without a plot. The movie seemed like it was waiting for the characters to take over, and hoping beyond all hope that they would write the script. A gangsta music producer? Gold! A gay Samoan bodyguard? Priceless! Russian mobsters? Contemporary! A hot, little songstress? Sex appeal up the ass! Can any of them write a screenplay? Evidently not.
Furthermore, the cast of characters from the first movie were witty and interesting caricatures of real-life criminals and malcontents. “Be Cool” ruins each and every one of them by inadvertently displaying L.A.’s ability to swallow people’s souls and make them shallow douchebags. At least they have sunny weather.
I guess the box office receipts say it all. The opening weekend, the public thought seeing Vin Diesel up to his knees in baby shit would be more entertaining that Chili Palmer duke it out with gangsta rappers. So what does that say about “Be Cool?” It says that the coolest thing to do is stay at home.
Let's start with the fact that "Be Cool" is an unnecessary sequel. "Get Shorty" was not exactly a classic, but it was a pretty decent little film that probably didn't need a followup almost ten years after the original. Which brings me to my next point: Elmore Leonard novels generally don’t make good movies. "Be Cool" proves this once and for all. I officially have two movies on the list for Most Craptacular Film of 2005 and one of them is "Be Cool." For fuck's sake, its only March and I still haven't seen that new monument to craptasm starring Vin Diesel.
This film was so aggravating that the realization of its total craptacularity took me awhile to fully digest. "Be Cool" was trying to sell me on what’s cool, and tell me what to think, from the self-deprecating comments about Hollywood’s sinister business practices to the stupid fucking jokes that seemed to wink at me while I’m stuffing my face full of delicious, totally fat-free, cherry flavored Twizzlers™ (Product endorsement! ).While I was being told what to like, when to laugh and what’s cool, all I could think about was how unbelievably uncool it actually was (the movie, not the Twizzlers™).
For those of you who do not remember “Get Shorty,” we left the tough-mobster-with-a-heart-of-gold Chili Palmer (John Travolta) in Hollywood with a burgeoning career in the movie business and dating a hot-piece-of-ass. He even had a mini-van. But now the movie business has become too compromising and Chili is struggling under the thumb of "ennui." That's French for boredom, I think. Chili says it himself in the opening scene, as he drives down Sunset Boulevard. Referring to the sequel of the movie that served as the subject in “Get Shorty,” Chili says something like, “Sometimes you have to compromise.” Whatever.
The story you ask? Chili Palmer’s music producer friend, played by James Woods in a cameo performance, is gunned down by a Russian mobster who apparently is shooting magic bullets from an enchanted gun. I only mention it because one of the bullets hits Chili’s Cadillac. The car, according to the camera angles, was parked around the corner from where the gunmen fired the shots. Perhaps there was another gunman on Sepulveda? Back and to the left.
After his friend dies, Chili decides to go into the music business. Chili needs something to believe in, and as luck would have it, he knows a blossoming young singer, named Linda Moon (Christina Milian). Fortunately, his friend’s wife, Edie (Uma Thurman) is still running NTL Records, so Chili can get involved with her. After all, there’s nothing wrong with laying the pipe to your gruesomely murdered friend’s wife.
There's also this plot involving a dispute between Chili and Linda Moon’s management team, Raji (Vince Vaughn) and Nick Carr (Harvey Keitel), over the talented young singer. Along the way, the dispute expands to involve a gangsta music producer, played by Cedric the Entertainer and his crew fronted by Outkast’s Andre 3000. And The Rock unconvincingly plays a big, gay bodyguard named Eliot Wilhelm. You know what? I’m getting bored recapping the plot for you. So let me give you the only thing that really matters about the movie—my humble opinion.
Typically, actors are put in a movie to help sell the movie to a crowd of nimrods willing to lay down their money to watch blinking lights, tits or explosions. This time, though, no matter how many people lay down their money to watch this thing, the actors who appeared in “Be Cool” will never be able to buy back their dignity, which represents a unique situation because so many actors lined up to do cameos. Just about everyone who had something to do with this movie is a sell out, or has already sold out. There were too many to list them all here, but trust me on this.
Putting the poor satirizing and self-referencing jokes aside, “Be Cool,” like all craptastic movies made in Hollywood, showed up to the theater without a plot. The movie seemed like it was waiting for the characters to take over, and hoping beyond all hope that they would write the script. A gangsta music producer? Gold! A gay Samoan bodyguard? Priceless! Russian mobsters? Contemporary! A hot, little songstress? Sex appeal up the ass! Can any of them write a screenplay? Evidently not.
Furthermore, the cast of characters from the first movie were witty and interesting caricatures of real-life criminals and malcontents. “Be Cool” ruins each and every one of them by inadvertently displaying L.A.’s ability to swallow people’s souls and make them shallow douchebags. At least they have sunny weather.
I guess the box office receipts say it all. The opening weekend, the public thought seeing Vin Diesel up to his knees in baby shit would be more entertaining that Chili Palmer duke it out with gangsta rappers. So what does that say about “Be Cool?” It says that the coolest thing to do is stay at home.
