attn. women....

[redsamurai]

think there's validity to this?.........http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

 

[Sassy69]

I read that on the C&C board - I probably can't speak - I've had a handful of longer term relationships - the best one the sex was some of the best and really the most soul-mate-ish I've ever had, but there were other aspects of the relationship that made it fall apart. Actually at one point the guy even asked me if I was just using him for the sex... that was pretty funny actually but it tells you how "into" the sex I was.... we were really confused and did a really shitty job of communicating our needs from each other on other aspects of the relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication and fear of saying things outright -- honestly the relationship was that deep rooted that we were scared of it.

Its an interesting study tho - because the women still wanted the affection but not so much the sex, while the men wanted the sex but not so much the affection as the relationship continued - maybe that just reflects how women are more emotional and men are more sexual --- same goal, different method of expressing or fulfilling the "need". I'm not sure it means that women are looking for sex from someone else.

 

[jenscats5]

It's my opinion that affection = a direct correlation to sex and after being in a relationship or married for a certain # of years, said affection deteriorates, thus the sex deteriorates.......women are wired differently than men & need certain things to stay interested & aroused & those things usually disintegrate after a number of years.....

 

[redsamurai]

look, I can't speak for men in general because I'm not a fly on the wall in their relationships....but I "highly" doubt that in this day and age there's dinosaurs walking around grabbing their wives by the hair and dragging them up to the bedroom. I realize there's varying levels of affection.....but shouldn't a woman be ecstatic that after 10 years her husband still gets aroused by her and wants to be passionate with her? Does marriage mean that after a certain amount of years you have to come up with a new circus act every week just to get your wife aroused to you? I totally agree there's a middle ground here....I do think it's a mans responsibility to show his wife he loves her other than pointing out his raging erection. "BUT", in a society where men are constantly bombarded with cultural subliminal messages to check out how much greener the grass is on the other side......wouldn't a woman be grateful to a man who resisted that? And women are also given those same green lights in our culture. It was a little bit depressing to read that basically, the fact that men and women are not on the same page in this society may have more to do with genetics than environment....?

By the way sas.....sounds like you gave up a hell of a good deal. Obviously you didn't share every detail of your relationship.....but there's people out here that would "kill" for a "deep" relationship the likes of which you described.

 

[Sassy69]

look, I can't speak for men in general because I'm not a fly on the wall in their relationships....but I "highly" doubt that in this day and age there's dinosaurs walking around grabbing their wives by the hair and dragging them up to the bedroom. I realize there's varying levels of affection.....but shouldn't a woman be ecstatic that after 10 years her husband still gets aroused by her and wants to be passionate with her? Does marriage mean that after a certain amount of years you have to come up with a new circus act every week just to get your wife aroused to you? I totally agree there's a middle ground here....I do think it's a mans responsibility to show his wife he loves her other than pointing out his raging erection. "BUT", in a society where men are constantly bombarded with cultural subliminal messages to check out how much greener the grass is on the other side......wouldn't a woman be grateful to a man who resisted that? And women are also given those same green lights in our culture. It was a little bit depressing to read that basically, the fact that men and women are not on the same page in this society may have more to do with genetics than environment....?

By the way sas.....sounds like you gave up a hell of a good deal. Obviously you didn't share every detail of your relationship.....but there's people out here that would "kill" for a "deep" relationship the likes of which you described.

If I commit to be a in relationship w/ a guy I expect him to be in the relationship. If I have to feel "grateful" that he's still in it w/ me then that's the wrong reason to stay in the relationship. I expect a full & reasonable commitment. If the guy doesn't want to be in the relationship w/ me, then fuck him & he can be on his way. And I'm not saying that as a jaded female - I'm saying I expect a relationship to be based on the same considerations of a friendship at a minimum and obviously would expect more as it is the ultimate in an intimate commitment. But that's just me.

That relationship had some oddities in that I was around 30 and he was 44-ish. First issue was that he was at a different place in his life while I was busting my ass to finish my MBA and make my next move up the corporate ladder - he wasn't a corporate guy. The other thing was getting to the "L" word. He was older and had been married before - I rather expected him to take the lead on that - we discussed it a number of times but sort of stopped just before the full commitment discussion and sort of jokingly said "we'll burn that bridge when we get to it". I also had a bit of an issue w/ telling my parents about him -- it sort of started as nothing that serious but evolved quickly because we literally could finish each other's sentences, our sexual compatibility was explosive and I guess it was just too scary to go that next level ... if that makes any sense... i.e. it was so strong that it was scary. And then from various miscommunications it fell apart. For ex, I didn't have the balls to ask if I coudl move in w/ him - we'd dated for several months, only a handful of days we werent' at each other's house, my lease was coming due and to sort of drop a few hints, I said several times that my lease was coming due, what should I do, might look up north for a job, etc..... He took it as "Oh great, she's leaving me..."

Stupid stuff like that. Just amazingly shitty miscommunication that was all subject to this incredible intensity of the relationship and fear of the next step. I think I actually intimidated him enough that he was scared to go that next step as well -- and I don't mean in a bad way - maybe he thought I was goign to dump him or something and he didnt' want to get hurt. One time we were supposed to meet at our favorite bar between his house & my work to listen to this great reggae band on Monday nite. I even stopped off on the way there & bought a new outfit & shoes! Then he was late. Then I tried calling his cell phone. I left several messages. I waited an hour. A couple guys who saw me sittign at the bar alone for a while started to hit on me like I was a freekin' hooker. I can't even remember if I went home or stopped at his place or what. But I do remember being first worried sick, then completely freaked out like he didnt' care or was blowing me off. It turned out that his phone battery had died or whatever - some legitimate reason that he didnt' get my messages but I still said - YOU WERE AN HOUR LATE AND YOU DIDNT" EVEN THINK TO CALL???? It was just stupid on his part, but it hurt me so much that all of this happened and that I had to go thru what I did at that bar trying to give him all the leaway possible if anything happened, he was late, whatever. I don't normally make a big deal of things when there are potential legitimate reasons for somethign not happenign as planned. But to not even think to just give me a call really affected me deeply and a LOT more than it ever did before. That's how much I was in love w/ the guy. I coudlnt' actually say the L word until after we'd had a really shitty break up and happened to both go on a dive trip that we had signed up for together a month earlier. We sort of had "break up sex", the whole messy pile of feelings came gushing out and it just about killed me. Him too actually but he coudlnt' go back. We both lost about 20 lbs just from lack of appetite as a result. We're still friends and I'd do anythign for him, but we just never discuss that part of life.

In retrospect I kinda wonder if it woudl've worked because its just very hard to make it work when you are at different places in life - sometimes the compromises are just too great and can't be changed. I learned a LOT about communication and relationships tho. I think I've done a decent job of carrying what I've learned into other relationships but mostly the guys haven't been as "right" since so nothing long term since then.

 

[jenscats5]

look, I can't speak for men in general because I'm not a fly on the wall in their relationships....but I "highly" doubt that in this day and age there's dinosaurs walking around grabbing their wives by the hair and dragging them up to the bedroom. I realize there's varying levels of affection.....but shouldn't a woman be ecstatic that after 10 years her husband still gets aroused by her and wants to be passionate with her? Does marriage mean that after a certain amount of years you have to come up with a new circus act every week just to get your wife aroused to you? I totally agree there's a middle ground here....I do think it's a mans responsibility to show his wife he loves her other than pointing out his raging erection. "BUT", in a society where men are constantly bombarded with cultural subliminal messages to check out how much greener the grass is on the other side......wouldn't a woman be grateful to a man who resisted that? And women are also given those same green lights in our culture. It was a little bit depressing to read that basically, the fact that men and women are not on the same page in this society may have more to do with genetics than environment....?

By the way sas.....sounds like you gave up a hell of a good deal. Obviously you didn't share every detail of your relationship.....but there's people out here that would "kill" for a "deep" relationship the likes of which you described.

Well it's not really the creation of a new circus act every day/week as it is the continuation of little things that tend to get thrown by the wayside after a few years have passed.....such as: continuing to hold her hand, kisses, hugs, etc.......

KB said it best - get women into bed 1st in their mind before physically, and I think that's true being single, dating & being married....

Soooo many things affect women's libido.......

 

[SoKlueles]

of course i agree with the girlies, and KB of course
To me, sex is emotional, sometimes if you arent in a total secure relationship you feel validation by getting tender sex, and you know that at least then, that they love you.
In a previous relationship, i told him that i wanted to kiss when we were in bed, no sex, just kiss.
to men, somettimes sex is emotional. but imo they are just horny most of the time. I think , well this is just speaking for myself, that a woman feels closer to her mate when they have sex.
I dont think its a certain age that a woman stops wanting sex after they have been in a relationship for a while, i think its any age. they feel secure in the relationship and like just the feeling of being close to their mate

 

[redsamurai]

damn sas....deep post! But thank you for that....I always value insight into how women feel and react to certain events. I can empathize with the guy on not wanting to be hurt again though.....I'm going to drive my next g/f up the wall with my insecurities...;-)

So does that spontaneous raunchy sex go away after 10 years? I mean, I like doing the whole romantic thing.....I can't do the monkey sex all the time or I'd throw my back out. But it would be nice to be married someday with kids.....and still have eyes for each other that say, as soon as those kids go off and play at someone else's home....we're tearing each other part. I don't ever want to lose that....and furthermore, i"m not ever going to get married if there's some hidden law of the universe that say's what I just described is completely impossible <stomping my foot on the ground like a pouting child>

 

[jenscats5]

damn sas....deep post! But thank you for that....I always value insight into how women feel and react to certain events. I can empathize with the guy on not wanting to be hurt again though.....I'm going to drive my next g/f up the wall with my insecurities...;-)

So does that spontaneous raunchy sex go away after 10 years? I mean, I like doing the whole romantic thing.....I can't do the monkey sex all the time or I'd throw my back out. But it would be nice to be married someday with kids.....and still have eyes for each other that say, as soon as those kids go off and play at someone else's home....we're tearing each other part. I don't ever want to lose that....and furthermore, i"m not ever going to get married if there's some hidden law of the universe that say's what I just described is completely impossible <stomping my foot on the ground like a pouting child>

Well, you've gotta work at it.....a good marriage just doesn't happen or exist just because.......work at it & it can be so.....

 

[redsamurai]

how much work is too much? If maintaining a relationship turns into another full time job....maybe the two of you are destined to never be on the same page....? I agree that nothing in this world is pain free.....but marriage, which should be with your soulmate, should be one of the more painfree things in your life. The two of you are supposed to compliment each other precisely so that you don't cause more shit in each other's lives on top of what we already deal with....right?