Attention: Old School wrestling fans...

[canadianhitman]

I've collected a bunch of Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan quotes from around the internet. In my opinion, Heenan was the master when it came to punching up the commentary with sharp wit. Give these a read....it'll make you feel even worse listening to Jonathan Coachman butcher the announcing job on Raw next week.

 

[canadianhitman]

Heenan: "Tito Santana is like a cue-ball: The more you strike him, the more
English you get out of him."


(Just before they run a Tito Santana match)
Brain: "Did you know that Tito holds a place in the Guinness
Book of World Records?"
Gorilla: "Yeah, for what?"
Brain: "He picked over 1600 heads of lettuce in a half an hour."
Gorilla: "Will you stop!"
(Match is televised, Tito wins)
Gorilla: "Well, it doesn't look like Tito needs to concern
himself with lettuce heads anymore."
Brain: "Yep - he can move right on to tomatoes."

 

[canadianhitman]

Brain: "Do you know what Koko B. Ware's mom's name is?"
Gorilla: "What?"
Brain: "Tupper."


(Bobby on the WWF's 1-900 number)
Gorilla: "Kids, ask your parent's permission before calling."
Brain: "And if they don't give you permission, just take a baseball bat, sneak up behind them, and BAM!!"


(Bobby leaving the set of Prime Time Wrestling for the Bobby Heenan
Show. He points to a gorilla doll...)
Brain: "Could you please hand me the Koko B. Ware doll?"


(KoKo-B-Ware enters the ring with this wild new hairdo; stripes
running front to back dyed in parrakeet colors. You can almost hear the
gears start to turn in Heenan's head)
Brain: "Do you know what KoKo calls his new hair style?"
Gorilla: (With a groan) "No. What?"
Brain: "Afroturf."

 

[canadianhitman]

(At Havoc 94 Flair walks by Bischoff and Brain was holding up 4 fingers.
Hogan walks by after Flair has entered the cage)
Bischoff: "When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was
the sign of the 4 Horsemen."
Brain: "When Hogan walked by I held up one finger."


(At WMVIII, after Reba McEntyre finishes singing the National Anthem)
Brain: "Boy, can Tito's sister belt one out!"
Gorilla: "Will You Stop!"
Brain: "That's Arriba McEntyre"


Gorilla: "What would you do if you were the Hitman" (In a title match)
Brain: "Well, I'd have my agent buy it for me and if that didn't work
I'd take him out back and waffle him with a tire iron."


Ross: "Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this a
slobberknocker!"
Bobby: "I thought that's what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa."


(Regarding Davey Boy Smith)
Heenan: "Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo."


Heenan: "You know why that woman's on the edge of her seat. She's got a 300 pound can behind her."

 

[canadianhitman]

Schiavone: "Well, Duggan is at a disadvantage in this type of match."
Brain: "He is at a disadvantage when he wakes up."


(In reference to Stu and Helen Hart in attendance)
Heenan: "You know why they're nervous? They snuck in. They're looking out for the usher."


(From "Grumbles, Gripes and Grunts" video. Shawn Michaels pokes Duggan
in the eye)
Bobby: "That's a difficult move, he's only got a 50% chance of getting
the good eye."


Brain: "Is the governor going to be here? Governor Cuomo?"
Gorilla: "I don't know."
Brain: "I want to introduce you to his brother, Perry."


(Refering to Tunney)
Heenan: "He's been the best president since Noriega."

 

[canadianhitman]

Heenan: "The Haiti Kid set a record. He's the only human being that could do 250 situps underneath a Chevy."


Heenan: "You should never hit him (JYD) in the head. It's amazing how Mother Nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest."


(After Jimmy Hart nails Haiti Kid with branding iron)
Heenan: "Midget shishkabob, my favourite!"


(Heenan was talking in his usual manner - of course, he was a manager at the time - and saying something that wasn't exactly "morally correct... ")
Monsoon: "How do you sleep at night?"
Brain: "Oh, on my side, usually... "


(When Tony Atlas was wrestling in the WWF as a face as Saba Simba)
Brain: "Gorilla, do you know what Saba Simba means?"
Gorilla: "Yes, it means 7 Lions."
Brain: "No, it means Room Service."

 

[canadianhitman]

(During same segment to another writer complaining about her husband's 6 inch scar on his head)
Heenan: "Well, let's put it this way to the poor old soul. The way she writes and the way she talks about her husband, she should probably be thankful that he has 6 inches of anything."


Heenan: "She's (Sapphire) good to have at picnics. Keeps the flies off the food."


Brain: "Do you know what Tatanka means?"
Vince: "I'm not sure."
Brain: "It means "Squaw with red hair."


Heenan: "Does he (Antonio Inoki) have an entourage with him? I saw three rickshaws parked out back."


Heenan: "Do you know what 'Arriba' means? It means 'Swim faster, the border guards are behind us.'"


Schivone: "We do understand that Henry Holmes, the attorney for Hulk Hogan..."
Brain: "Sherlock's brother?"


(When Sherri handcuffed Mr. T during Hogan/Flair retirement match)
Heenan: "That's not the first time she's slapped a pair of cuffs on a guy."

 

[canadianhitman]

(Referring to Tony Atlas aka Saba Simba)
Heenan: "He looks like the south end of a northbound turkey."


Vince: "All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner."
Heenan: "You're asking a lot for Typhoon to do a sit-up."


Mooney: "You can get some great food in Tocula, Mexico."
Heenan: "They don't make enough Rolaids to get you out of Tocula healthy."


(During the Savage/Avalanche match after Savage was squashed during an
attempted sunset flip)
Heenan: "I heard the air go out of Savage... both ends."


Savage: "And where would Rick Steiner be?"
Heenan: "Probably on Page 3 of a comic book. He'll be there for a while."


Heenan: "Frankie doesn't know if he'll be at home with Koko or in a can of tabasco sauce with Tito."


Gorilla: "DiBiase tripped Santana!"
Bobby: "Actually, he tripped over a tortilla."

 

[canadianhitman]

(August before Summerslam'92 on Prime Time Wrestling, this is all
refering to the Rick Martel -Sherri wink and nod.)
Hillbilly: "That Sherri is anyone's dog at a hunt."
Heenan: "Sherri's a woman. Any woman is gonna wink at a guy."
McMahon: "Stop winking at me."
Heenan: "I'd waffle her in a second."
McMahon: "Stop it now!"


Brain: "Wait! Now I know who Mr. Hughes is?"
Vince: "Who?"
Brain: "It's Barry White!"


(Tatanka vs. Repo Man)
"First time I ever saw Tonto kick the butt of the Lone Ranger!"


Heenan: "You know what keeps Eddie Guerrero hopping around, flying all
over the place like that?"
Schiavone: "I think I know, but you give me your version."
Heenan: "Have you ever had his mother's cooking?"


(As Marcus Alexander Bagwell takes off his jewelery before a match with Flair)
Brain: "Well, Bagwell's taken off his 'Mr. T Starter Kit.'"

 

[canadianhitman]

Monsoon: "And you believe Tatanka will win be the Intercontinental champion after Survivor Series?"
Brain: "No, I believe Tatanka will be out in the desert, trying to sell
blankets."


Monsoon: "I can't believe that Tito Santana hasn't come out here to help his partner."
Brain: "He can't come out here, immigration is sitting in the front row!"


(He said Diamond Dallas got mad when they had Steiner throw Kimberly out of the car and Heenan said)
Brain: "That's the first time she's ever been in the front seat."
( James breaks down to near tears laughing at this line.)


(Heenan remembers an interview from a few days prior to this interview when he was asked if he had ever been hit over the head with a chair. Heenan replies by saying)
Brain: "I've been hit so many times over the head with a chair, the top of my head smells like ass."


( Heenan said he was taken off Nitro for Mark Madden because they wanted a more MTV look.)
Brain: "Who picked that one? Ray Charles?"


(Heenan says wrestling today doesn't impress him. He wonders how many times you can look at a pair of breasts and be surprised or entertained by it. He wonders how or why Lawler carries on like he does.)
Brain: "What did this guy live in a cell for the first 40 years of his life? Doesn't he know he can go buy a playboy? He can go buy a rubber doll and blow it up! He can blow it up and bite the ass until it farts and flies out the window! That's the truth! Jerry, c'mon! WOW JERRY! WOAH! For as big of a heart attack as Jerry has every time he sees boobies, you're going to have to put a rain coat on him."
(He also remarks that Lawler's voice sounds like someone tied a rubber band around his nuts.)

 

[canadianhitman]

Looking back on some of that stuff, it's even funnier now than it was then. I can't believe how much he pushed the envelope...especially with some of the racial stuff. He had a comedic gift that Jerry Lawler has tried in vain to mimic...and now with J.R. gone and Coachman in, I'm seriously contemplating watching Raw with the volume muted.

 

[wwebound4life]

Awesome post!!
That really takes me back

[email protected]

TRAIN, EAT, LIVE LIKE A ANIMAL!!

 

[GeneticFreak18]

fuck bobby the brain, i cant wait til the deceased old man croaks...after the shit he said about the ultimate warrior...give me a break, fuckin loser is what he is. Funny thing is for the first time in his life he is actualy in shape, thank you canr!

 

[canadianhitman]

fuck bobby the brain, i cant wait til the deceased old man croaks...after the shit he said about the ultimate warrior...give me a break, fuckin loser is what he is. Funny thing is for the first time in his life he is actualy in shape, thank you canr!

 

[rgjujitsu]

He's so poor he eats helper helper-one of my BTBH faves

 

[rgjujitsu]

He's so poor he eats helper helper-one of my BTBH faves

 

[canadianhitman]

He's so poor he eats helper helper-one of my BTBH faves

LOL...he had so many great zingers.

 

[Devastation]

the weasel kicked ass. i loved watching him when i was growing up