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New reality...HRT...being married,,sex,etc.

straitedge52

New member
Hold on and read this...it's "out there".

My wife and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary this year. I am 57...she is 51. When we first met in '92 we both had a strong libido and were all over each other most of the time. We lived together for almost 3 years before we were married and sex was great and often. Just prior to getting married she discovered that she had Multiple Sclerosis and told me that she would understand if I wanted to "bail". I love this woman and said "Hell No!!" and we pulled the trigger.

As the years went by we found ourselves separated by time in that I was working long hours to make the income and she was at home dealing with her condition and becoming more and more depressed as she saw her beautiful body start to go south as a result of lack of exercise and fatigue associated with the MS. I fell into the trap of eating on the road and picking "garbage" up for dinner on the way home most nights so she wouldn't have to cook. I began to see my own body headed downhill because of this.

Time marches on and waits for no one and my sex drive fell off as a result of my eating habits and lack of exercise and I just thought "Oh well...it is what it is". She was put on a Interferon injectable MS drug 3 years into this and despite the side effects started to show some improvement. The sex started to improve but was short lived due to her having a trip and fall accident in 2001. She suffered a broken ankle and herniated disc in her neck and back and was put on pain meds {Morphine, Kadian, Duragesic, Percocet, and now Roxicodone) as a bandaid to help her cope with the pain. Sex became a memory.

We became one those "Fuddy Duddy" middle aged couples that just plotted along day by day without a whole lot to look forward to.

Suddenly...one day in the fall of 2008, I read an article about Andropause, HRT and how I didn't have to wait to die from old age. I went to a wellness Dr., had the blood tests done and found that I was "low normal" in testosterone and could benefit from HRT. I was 6-2, 305 w/ a BMI of 34%. Fast forward to today...I am 250 w/ a BMI of 14%!!! .....BIG CHANGE!!! My libido has skyrocketed and I am hornier than a 3 dicked Billy Goat most of the time.

Needless to say, as I noticed the changes in myself, I realized that my wife was not going to be able to keep up. I had her see the same Dr., who is also an orthopedic specialist with Dr.s of several orthopedic disciplines in his practice. She had a full female panel run and we found that she was f*cked up as a football bat w/regard to hormones and she started working on limited HRT as well as nutrition and diet. In the past year she has lost 35 lbs but still has the pain and is still limited in what she can do exercise wise.

OK...now you have the back story....now for the good part.

Even though I was starting to look good and must say that now I look and feel 25 years younger...she didn't take any real interest in me. Maybe it was because we neglected each other for so long that there was a mental block between us relative to us engaging in love making. I have taken care of my needs with internet porn and have from time to time gone to her and asked if there was anything I could do for her.I have always gotten a negative response...but all the while pushing her with the diet and nutrition. I still continue to hit the gym 3 days a week and am still hoping for the signal from her that "it's time". Understand that my wife is still very attractive even though she is 30~40 lbs overweight.

I took notice that she had become very active in Facebook and AIM and will often times be up late into the wee hours "chatting online with her friends". I figured all of this was harmless until one day last week. She had been telling me about contacting an old male neighborhood friend and classmate from her hometown. Over the past 8~10 months she would mention speaking to this guy and then a month or so ago ..let's call him "Bill", told her that he would be in the "area" and would like to see her. She asked me what I thought and I told her to make it a public place, let me know where she was and how long, etc. I had no problem with the whole thing since it isn't often that you get to see friends from 30+ years ago. She was apprehensive about this whole thing due to her appearance changing over the years and I told her that it would be fine.

The appointed day came around and just happened to co-inside with a Drs appointment that she had. I usually went with her to these Dr. appointments and said to her that since she was meeting her friend close by afterward perhaps she could introduce him to me, I could excuse myself and let them chat. "NO..he doesn't want to meet you" she said (Clue No. 1). I asked why and was told that he was shy and felt uncomfortable. I thought this was a bit strange but agreed. We agreed that we would go to the Drs appointment together in separate vehicles at 4 PM and that she would give me her Rx as we left...I would then go to the drug store, have Rx filled and have ready when she got home from her visit. She was to leave the Drs office and meet "Bill" at a local Carabas for a drink or two and be home by 7 PM. We arrived at the Drs office and I waited in the lobby as she went in for her check up. After about 45 min I went out to the parking lot to get some air ad noticed that her car was gone. (Clue No 2) I went back in and asked the receptionist where she was and was told that she left 20 minutes ago. I asked how she got past me without me seeing her and they said she went out the back door and gave me her Rx.:confused: I thanked them and went to my truck, called her cell and got voice mail. I asked in a message how long was she going to let me sit before she let me know she left? I drove by the Carabas where she was supposed to be and her car was not there. Long story short...I did not see or hear from her until 9:30 PM when she got home. When I asked why she didn't call she said that her phone turned off and that she didn't get my calls. She said "Bill" decided that he wanted to go over to a restaurant near his hotel 20 miles away and she followed him there.

By now you can figure that I am pissed off as a motherfucker and shit is flying all over our house. She swore her innocence and we got to bed about 4 AM. This all happened a week ago and over the next 2 days I found a way to hack her AOL E-mail anm AIM and discovered that she had been in "erotic chat" with this prick for several months. In the 2 days after their meeting I read and copied blow by blow replay of what they did (no intercourse but close) and what they were going to do next time. I discovered that he is an attorney and had used his firms e-mail to send her pics of him jerking off in the office last December...what a stupid bastard!!!( I have copies.) I kept casually asking her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and kept getting " Nothing happened...you're over reacting". I let the line out a few more times and then I laid it on her...I know everything, I have copies of all of the e-mail and text sessions...I know every thing that you two have said to each other for the past 8 months. There was some continued denial and then she started talking about the thrill of something new and different....then suddenly...when I showed her what I had...I could see her shut down completely as she read what she had typed in the text sessions. It read like the script of a porno movie. At first she was angry with me for discovering all of this. That has transitioned to statements like "The guy is a pin head and I could barely stand being next to him". She told me that she let him kiss her and rub her boobs but stopped him because she felt violated. She told me that when she told him she had to go he gave he $1000. I told her that there is a term for that...she really got pissed off then and shut down. She has since told me that she can't believe she typed the things that she did. I think this guy might be one of these manipulative bastards that is a control freak.

In the meantime, I sent this asshole an e-mail with copies of this shit and told him that if he ever contacted her again I would give him a war that he can only imagine. I sent him copies of his firms web site...his home address, wife's name and map to his house. I told him that I wanted an acknowledgment and contact within the next 24 hours or I would let the "missiles fly"...he called me within 4 hours and surrendered totally. He sent a confirming e-mail and apologized. I told him that any breach of this would result in immediate termination of his current lifestyle....he understood.

I have scheduled a marriage counselor for next week and told my wife that attendance was mandatory. I am looking to have normal marital relations with her and she said it would take a while for her to warm back up to me. I will give it a bit of time...how long I don't know. We are being civil to each other now while realizing that we are tip toeing through a mine field.

So gang...there you have it. I am open to comments and suggestions. Have I discovered a new vice that is tied to the internet...sort of like "online fantasy" that in this case almost became total reality? Do we need a marriage counselor or a sex therapist ...or both?:confused:
 
Wow.
!5 years of marriage and then this happens. You must feel awful. Mad, sad, betrayed. I'm impressed that you want to fix this.
Personally, I am not so sure that i would be so forgiving, despite the history. Sounds to me like she played you. Lying, evading you, changing her story, accepting money for sex?????
She has major issues that she needs to work on, yes definitely. She should see a psychologist and figure out why she thinks it is OK to behave this way to you after 15 years of marriage. She is filled with deceit, and only admitted it after you proved it to her. maybe if she had come clean on her own I would see this differently, but that is not the case.
She said she felt "violated". Well she is the one who instigated this, from chatting, sending erotic messages, meeting the guy, and (probably) having sex with him for money. Sounds to me like you are the one who is "violated".
You sound like a real nice guy, I don't think you really need any help, she does, and only when she has straightened out her part in all this mess should you agree to continue with your relationship and seek marriage counseling.
I'd leave her for the time being until she truly does the work to get help. Assuming you still want to be with her. Me, I wouldn't, I'd leave someone permanently on these grounds.
Good luck, stay strong, and do what you feel in your heart to be the best for YOU.
 
Wow.
!5 years of marriage and then this happens. You must feel awful. Mad, sad, betrayed. I'm impressed that you want to fix this.
Personally, I am not so sure that i would be so forgiving, despite the history. Sounds to me like she played you. Lying, evading you, changing her story, accepting money for sex?????
She has major issues that she needs to work on, yes definitely. She should see a psychologist and figure out why she thinks it is OK to behave this way to you after 15 years of marriage. She is filled with deceit, and only admitted it after you proved it to her. maybe if she had come clean on her own I would see this differently, but that is not the case.
She said she felt "violated". Well she is the one who instigated this, from chatting, sending erotic messages, meeting the guy, and (probably) having sex with him for money. Sounds to me like you are the one who is "violated".
You sound like a real nice guy, I don't think you really need any help, she does, and only when she has straightened out her part in all this mess should you agree to continue with your relationship and seek marriage counseling.
I'd leave her for the time being until she truly does the work to get help. Assuming you still want to be with her. Me, I wouldn't, I'd leave someone permanently on these grounds.
Good luck, stay strong, and do what you feel in your heart to be the best for YOU.

I hear you on the deceit issue. I asked her about that and she said that she was afraid of my anger!!!! Seriously? Duh... what did she think would happen.

As far as the money is concerned...I don't think she was expecting that...honestly I think that is part of the MO of this guy because he is accustomed to paying.

Realize that I am thinking the MS and the mental lapses that it can cause may play into this.

The biggest hurt to me right now is that she isn't willing to have sex with me to at least show the beginnings of re-building. Is she really turned off by us going so long without?:confused:
 
he just touched her boobs and kissed her? if thats all that happened and i was married for 15 years i might be able to get passed it. anything more and im out. i bet she would have felt really lonely if you left her after 15 years and this dude doesnt even live by her. Like you said i would have been fucking livid!! the part where she left you at the doctors office is just insane..
 
he just touched her boobs and kissed her? if thats all that happened and i was married for 15 years i might be able to get passed it. anything more and im out. i bet she would have felt really lonely if you left her after 15 years and this dude doesnt even live by her. Like you said i would have been fucking livid!! the part where she left you at the doctors office is just insane..

Yeah dude...this POS lives 1000 miles from here and has a wife and 2 kids. He knows I have him by the nuts if he even farts in this direction.

I honestly think that she might take her own life if I dumped her...seriously.:confused:
 
how do girls get so emotional and plan shit like this!!! she hasnt seen the fuck in 30 years and she can just meet him up for shit like this. god damn. i think you handled it good, me being imature and raging i might have driven to his house and fucked something up. not like he would be able to do shit if he doesnt want his kiddies and wife finding out.
 
I hear you on the deceit issue. I asked her about that and she said that she was afraid of my anger!!!! Seriously? Duh... what did she think would happen.

As far as the money is concerned...I don't think she was expecting that...honestly I think that is part of the MO of this guy because he is accustomed to paying.

Realize that I am thinking the MS and the mental lapses that it can cause may play into this.

The biggest hurt to me right now is that she isn't willing to have sex with me to at least show the beginnings of re-building. Is she really turned off by us going so long without?:confused:

really? afraid of your anger? are you a violent person? it sounds like she's blaming YOU for this.
she is playing a victim card because she hopes you will fall for it. so she now says she is afraid of you after 15 years of marriage...does she not know you by this time?
that's so pathetic, she does not have any right to play that card unless you have given her cause.
if it's mental lapses, then where does the preplanning of the meet-up figure in? This is premeditated and executed with prior knowledge of how this will affect you. and she did it anyway.
If she has threatened suicide, or if she does, you have the duty to call 911, but she does not have the right to hold you hostage with the threat of suicide. that's just cruel on her part.
I'll give you some insight into women, she is not having sex with you because she does not feel close to you. For some reason, she feels the need to shut you out, and seek comfort in the chat rooms/facebook with other men.
 
You know, the more I think about your wife, the more I am starting to think that she has put herself into a certain role that she thinks she has to play-the sick person who needs lots and lots of attention, but will not return the favour.
This might be a deep psychological issue that she needs to resolve.
When she told you she wanted to feel the thrill of something new and different, it could have been her realizing just how far she has painted herself into a corner in terms of not creating a life that she is happy with.
Do you baby her too much? Is she allowed to get away with things you wouldn't expect to get away with yourself if the roles were reversed?
What WOULD happen if the roles were reversed?
While her disease is debilitating and definitely affects your life, it still does not give her the right to take out on you some kind of misplaced passive-aggressive anger about her life.
Is she able to exercise? If she is medically fit to drive a car, i am sure she is capable of redefining her body just like you have. Maybe she has given up on herself, and relies on you to fill in the blanks of her life.
 
I look at it this way...either she is going to have an "epiphany" and realize that she has almost f*cked up the best thing that has ever happened to her and get her mind straight on reality or...she will blow up and meltdown ultimately ending up on the streets or in a mental institution.

She has a large family and has alienated every single one of them to the point that they will not speak to her at all. She blames them for all and any problems that she has had in her life associated with events that happened over 20 years ago....years before we met.

I have assumed the role of loving and caring husband...trying to treat her as kindly as I can....I am not violent but do have a temper. She on the other hand has a violent temper and will on occasion throw things while she is screaming and yelling...she squeezed her finger nails into my right arm over the weekend and brought blood.

As far as not feeling comfortable with me...she told me last night that she was starting to feel more comfortable with me but stayed up last night till 5 AM on the chat lines with some other guy from her home town that is my age and married. She said he's having problems and she's trying to help him through it...give me a friggin break. She's in bed asleep now.

I think I'll head over to the gym , hit some Iron and give this a break for a while. I finished some paper work and deserve a break...besides...The Iron is always the same...it treats everyone the same way and never talks back or has an attitude...it's predictable.

Stay tuned.
 
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I look at it this way...either she is going to have an "epiphany" and realize that she has almost f*cked up the best thing that has ever happened to her and get her mind straight on reality or...she will blow up and meltdown ultimately ending up on the streets or in a mental institution.

.....She on the other hand has a violent temper and will on occasion throw things while she is screaming and yelling...she squeezed her finger nails into my right arm over the weekend and brought blood.

.


So basically you are responsible for her happiness or else?
You have the right to live your life without having to put up with bad behaviour.
You deserve to live without the fear/threat of her emotional attacks/outbursts.
You can't control her, or what she does, but you can control what you will or will not allow in your life.
She needs to see a counselor/psychologist/mental health professional.
Is your wife overly dependent on you?

Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM

You definitely deserve a break, you've been through a lot.
 
So basically you are responsible for her happiness or else?
You have the right to live your life without having to put up with bad behaviour.
You deserve to live without the fear/threat of her emotional attacks/outbursts.
You can't control her, or what she does, but you can control what you will or will not allow in your life.
She needs to see a counselor/psychologist/mental health professional.
Is your wife overly dependent on you?

Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM

You definitely deserve a break, you've been through a lot.

Thank You so much for this...there are several topics in this article that nail this situation. I will study this with great interest and absorption. Obviously you are an extremely cerebral individual.
 
Wow... quick question... what does she want to do, did she ask for forgiveness once she got busted? as per what you told she doesnt really seem to have any remorse.... you mentioned ur gonna set mandatory couple's counseling, I hope im wrong but it seems like you're the only one paddling in that boat man, doesnt seem like she wants to do much of an effort and when u ask her to she said it would take a long time to "warm up to you" what the hell is that?
 
Wow... quick question... what does she want to do, did she ask for forgiveness once she got busted? as per what you told she doesnt really seem to have any remorse.... you mentioned ur gonna set mandatory couple's counseling, I hope im wrong but it seems like you're the only one paddling in that boat man, doesnt seem like she wants to do much of an effort and when u ask her to she said it would take a long time to "warm up to you" what the hell is that?

These are all excellent questions that I have asked...but so far....have gotten evasive answers.

On the forgiveness question...she went into a litany of shit that basically defended the whole thing as a mis-understanding on my part. It wasn't until I produced the hard evidence that she shut down and went into a shell. So far...at no point, has she admitted that this was a planed event. She just sort of played follow the leader with this guy and went merrily along. Even after the evidence was presented...she didn't admit to going to his hotel...just to the restaurant and in her car. When I asked her about a certain thing that allegedly happened...she said that was on the elevator with others. I then asked why she would be on an elevator when the restaurant was a single story building?...then the house of cards started crumbling. She also kept telling me what a nice "Christian" man he was and I reminded her that he was trying to get into my wifes pants which ain't Christian !!!

At this point I am just tip toeing through a mine field getting her to realize how dicked up this whole thing is. I honestly think that she thought she could "out dumb" me on this and she is in a state of shock that it didn't work out.

As far as the warming up part goes...I'm about ready to start pushing that issue hard and see where we end up. I'm getting backed up and need some relief. I woke up with a raging "Blue Viener" this AM and poked her with it thinking that 9" of long and hard would get some action...but not this time...maybe tonight. I think a long slow steamy session might turn the tide on this....at least I'm hoping.:D

I'm beginning to think that there is some sort of underground sub-culture of chat rooms or something that attract these crack pots...I don't know.
 
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OK there are some many things about this that are messed up. One thing that I dont get is you mentioned the guy she met offered her money because he was use to having to pay for it. Now you still keep pushing the issue to have sex with her too....man are you nuts???...no way i would have sex with her unprotected till after she took a test....there is some bad shit like aids out there that will kill you, and if he pays hookers for sex then he is in a much higher risk population. Two immediate rules for her....
1) mandatory std/HIV test
2) No more internet chatting....it already lead to trouble why push it. If she wont comply with both of them...which are reasonable requests then get out while you can....divorce isnt nearly as bad as living with this for the rest of your life.
 
OK there are some many things about this that are messed up. One thing that I dont get is you mentioned the guy she met offered her money because he was use to having to pay for it. Now you still keep pushing the issue to have sex with her too....man are you nuts???...no way i would have sex with her unprotected till after she took a test....there is some bad shit like aids out there that will kill you, and if he pays hookers for sex then he is in a much higher risk population. Two immediate rules for her....
1) mandatory std/HIV test
2) No more internet chatting....it already lead to trouble why push it. If she wont comply with both of them...which are reasonable requests then get out while you can....divorce isnt nearly as bad as living with this for the rest of your life.

I hear you. This how it was presented earlier.."As far as the money is concerned...I don't think she was expecting that...honestly I think that is part of the MO of this guy because he is accustomed to paying." I told her that the reason he offered money was because he was used to paying. I also think that the money thing gets to be a manipulation hook.

I do not dis-agree with what you are saying....you make some valid points.

BTW...WTF is the deal with all of this erotic internet chat business anyway? Are there fuckers lurking around that get off on this?
 
IMHO, that is an immediate termination of marriage. Period. That shit CANNOT, and I repeat, CANNOT be repaired over time. I would hire a divorce lawyer, and of course contact the dude's wife and make the shit public. You have everything to gain, in order to make justice for your honor and loyalty.
 
I would like to thank each everyone of the responders to this thread. This has become one of the most trying and frustrating things I have ever been through...but it has also been a learning experience.

Special thanks to trex 74 for this link: Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM.

This article does a very good job in helping us evaluate ourselves and those around us as it relates to over dependence and under dependence.

I have also discovered a sub culture of online erotic chat activities that I never knew existed. These chat areas become a breeding ground for those that prey on persons suffering from over dependence and under dependence.

As I study this phenomenon and how it has affected my situation I will share it on this thread,

Stay tuned...
 
Why are you trying to have sex with her after all this, if you guys don't even get it on much? Sex isn't going to save the marriage, it seems like you're a one man band trying to and she doesn't care in the least.
 
There are thousands of sites to get all kinds of shit on, sex'cyber chat, webcam sex chat, bdsm(collarme.com) adultfriendfinder to find fuck buddies, there is all sorts of stuff out there, if she wants to get her hands on it she will....
I am NOBODY to discuss this situation since I am only a person who read your story, but I MUST say it sounds like you are alone on this one, I have tended to couples in counseling and the key factor is that they have to be in the same boat which doesnt seem to be your case, do try counseling but if your counselor feels the same way I dont think there is much to do.... just stop and think about it:

- She lied to you
- you caught her and she denied it
- you showed FACTS and she tried to turn it into how this wonderful christian man "tricked me (it seems she still has a good impression of him which means she does NOT feel deceived by him)
- after being caught she shows no remorse
- despite YOU forgiving her (when apparently she didnt even ask you to...) she still wont admit she did something wrong
- despite you wanting to stick around and make things work she gives u a bad forecast saying it's gonna take time to warm up to you

Seriously, I see not only 0 cooperation but also 0 desire to cooperate.... I encourage you to take these points as I have placed here and talk to her about it, ask her what she wants, ask her if she regrets it, if she wants to stay together, why does she think you are so appart and what does she think you can do to help "heal" the relationship

Above all always remember that when having a discussion about a sensitive issue NEVER start the frase with "you" like you did this and you did that, try something like :when you do this I feel such and such way" otherwise she's gonna shell up again, try to find out why she is shelling up, isnt because she's embarrased, because she doesnt feel she did something wrong, she doesnt care, she's guilty or she just doesnt want to fix it anymore....

Good luck....
 
This scares the hell out of me. I would be crushed and at the same time I do believe the thought of taking a few peoples lives would deff cross my mind.


I have been married to my wife for 11 years now and I hope at this point something like this does not happen. Its a painful think to even think about the person you love with some one else. Its very painful. Even more painful is knowing its the truth and it really did happen. Some times its just a lot more easy to believe some one when they say they did nothing then it is to except the fact that they did.

I love my wife as i am sure you do. My advice is take her word for it. The truth does always come out in the end and if she does things like this again that will also end up coming out sooner or later. If it does then that is when its time to go. If you find out she lied then leaving might be the option then too.
 
There are thousands of sites to get all kinds of shit on, sex'cyber chat, webcam sex chat, bdsm(collarme.com) adultfriendfinder to find fuck buddies, there is all sorts of stuff out there, if she wants to get her hands on it she will....
I am NOBODY to discuss this situation since I am only a person who read your story, but I MUST say it sounds like you are alone on this one, I have tended to couples in counseling and the key factor is that they have to be in the same boat which doesnt seem to be your case, do try counseling but if your counselor feels the same way I dont think there is much to do.... just stop and think about it:

- She lied to you
- you caught her and she denied it
- you showed FACTS and she tried to turn it into how this wonderful christian man "tricked me (it seems she still has a good impression of him which means she does NOT feel deceived by him)
- after being caught she shows no remorse
- despite YOU forgiving her (when apparently she didnt even ask you to...) she still wont admit she did something wrong
- despite you wanting to stick around and make things work she gives u a bad forecast saying it's gonna take time to warm up to you

Seriously, I see not only 0 cooperation but also 0 desire to cooperate.... I encourage you to take these points as I have placed here and talk to her about it, ask her what she wants, ask her if she regrets it, if she wants to stay together, why does she think you are so appart and what does she think you can do to help "heal" the relationship

Above all always remember that when having a discussion about a sensitive issue NEVER start the frase with "you" like you did this and you did that, try something like :when you do this I feel such and such way" otherwise she's gonna shell up again, try to find out why she is shelling up, isnt because she's embarrased, because she doesnt feel she did something wrong, she doesnt care, she's guilty or she just doesnt want to fix it anymore....

Good luck....

Thanks for your input. I have my "third eye" roving and taking a look at this thing from different angles. The dust is starting to settle a bit and I am watching and listening. There may be some new issues here that are yet to be confirmed.
 
This scares the hell out of me. I would be crushed and at the same time I do believe the thought of taking a few peoples lives would deff cross my mind.


I have been married to my wife for 11 years now and I hope at this point something like this does not happen. Its a painful think to even think about the person you love with some one else. Its very painful. Even more painful is knowing its the truth and it really did happen. Some times its just a lot more easy to believe some one when they say they did nothing then it is to except the fact that they did.

I love my wife as i am sure you do. My advice is take her word for it. The truth does always come out in the end and if she does things like this again that will also end up coming out sooner or later. If it does then that is when its time to go. If you find out she lied then leaving might be the option then too.

N2...you are at about the same place with this that I am. I am about 2 clicks from throwing my AK-47, chain saw, shovel and a big bag of lime in the truck and taking a little drive.:D

Seriously, I am going to chill on this a bit and let the smoke clear...then I might be able to see where the fire is....:evil:
 
N2...you are at about the same place with this that I am. I am about 2 clicks from throwing my AK-47, chain saw, shovel and a big bag of lime in the truck and taking a little drive.:D

Seriously, I am going to chill on this a bit and let the smoke clear...then I might be able to see where the fire is....:evil:

You have certainly handled this much better than I would have. I dont know how Id react , but I feel like This would have been me the second I figured it out and shit started hitting the fan.
I am about 2 clicks from throwing my AK-47, chain saw, shovel and a big bag of lime in the truck and taking a little drive.:D
 
When I first started reading the IM log and content on this I never believed my wife could write something like this....I mean it reads like the script of a porno movie...and a good one at that.

All of this stuff was stored in folders adjacent to her e-mail section of AOL. I revisited this stuff last night with her and we calmly went over some of this crap together. As I was reading this to her I noticed that on one particular IM file some of the text started repeating it's self but the time was still moving forward as to the time it was sent from each party in the chat. I looked at it very closely and noticed that maybe 50~75 lines of text were repeated 2~3 times exactly within a 1 hour period. I looked at my wife and asked how was this possible? As she read some of it she told me that she didn't remember typing most of it...some of it yes but most of it ...no!!

I have a cousin that is a computer programmer that works for IBM. I sent some of this to him explaining the circumstances. He analyzed what I sent and got back with me today with this:
Seems that much of the text that was saved in these folders for these sessions came from an outside ISP and saved in her pfc files on her AOL account. It appears that this ass wipe lawyer she was chatting with made much of this script up and planted it on her AOL account. He hacked her password somehow and sends this shit to himself . He can then open a session from 2 different sources and carry on a virtual "fantasy chat" with himself playing both roles!!!

Now...where he really fucked up is that he sent some of this shit...along with pics of him jerking himself off...from his office at the law firm where he works.:lightningNO SHIT?...SERIOUSLY? Anyone reading this a "Dog Bite" lawyer that want's a piece of these guys? I think I might be looking at early retirement here!!:D

How much of this do I have?....how about starting in January 2009? WTF.... over!!!:p

I will now begin to calculate the return salvo on this carefully.

This will not be REVENGE...this will be a RECKONING .....

Patience Pays...

Revelation 6:8

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."

Stay tuned...
 
Wow, I could hardly follow that complicated computer hacking, double fantasy posting thing. Odd. Anyway, I was a cheater or AM a cheater as I'll forever be tainted with my past and I have not completely let go of it (I am still in mourning over losing a past lover). I had to chuckle at your innocence Straightedge b/c if a place like THIS exists, and the internet is endless, then you know other places exist where people can chat/find just about anything they want. Also, I posted some things on here about my craigslist experiences. You must have missed them. Anyway, I think I have SOME points to offer, but my situation was different (all are different) and so it's not an even parallel, but I hope I can offer some insights. There was a lot of good advice and good suggestions here on what to ask her and what to do (other than heading over and ruining his wife and children's lives). He deserves it, not them. People who think of nothing but themselves and ruin other's lives are no less selfish than your wife. What I did was selfish b/c I believed it to be revenge for my spouse's ongoing selfishness. It's an interesting coicidence that I revisit this place and I see your story b/c I had a breakthrough with my spouse just recently. We had a near miss on breaking up. He showed me the door if I wanted to leave, and I couldn't. He doesn't know (from me) about my past, but I think he knows- the signs were all there. In his case, (and there are MANY kinds of men and approaches/attitudes towards sex), I think he got off on the idea of me living out fantasies- but they are a very rare breed. One of my last chat friends I'll never meet was supposedly like this too, but wanted to be included in the fantasies, if his wife were to live out any. Anyway, I have so many stories of the people I encountered and some I met and it blows your mind how odd they can be like that lawyer playing out a fantasy with HIMSELF? Wow, that's a new one.

Anyway, I am not going to justify what I did, but I will make a list of grievances that you can look over to find where you may or may not need to work on as well. And, I will also list what were my faults and weaknesses that lead me to do what I did.

In my case, I really did not have much remorse until the prospect of losing my spouse when I finally broke and told him my grievances (did not confess the affairs and probably never will). I would also likely still be cheating if my lover did not turn to feeling guilty himself and reject me. In the end, he did me a favor b/c he made me deal with myself. I think he's a lawyer too, come to think of it. So, is my chat friend who wants to see his wife with someone else. Hmm.... a special breed they are. Used to lieing and not feeling anything in the name of being unbiased and seperate from issues. Cheating comes easy to many of them I guess.

Anyway, when my spouse and I had our confrontation, putting (almost) everything out on the table, my spouse rejected me and said he'd make it easy on me and sign on the dotted line or "Set me free" because he loved me. I got a taste of my own medicine and started calling family and friends who experienced divorce. I thought deep down that's what I WANTED and here he was making is so easy for me. (I learned depression runs in my family and my mom, come to think of it, divorced my dad at the age I am now.) Your wife may be too weak to leave on her own and needs you to push her out too. In my case, I thought I was completely devoid of love for him because I had not seen the person I fell in love with in a very long time. There is HIM vs the juvenile irresponsible joker and the mean sarcastic guy. (I have a temper and so does he and when he pushed me once- I disconnected in that moment.) He finally showed me again the person I fell in love with and could finally feel there was still love in there somewhere for him and I saw he really did still love me. I hope to not see the guy again who pushed me and hurt our child in the name of discipline. So far THAT guy has not returned and I hope he never does.

One of the best advice I got from a friend was that marriage counseling will not necessarily help. If she could do it all over and take the advice of one of the counselors she had (who her spouse didn't like), she would have had them BOTH go to seperate counseling sessions. In theory, as an individual each of you need to figure out who you yourselves are at the core and to strengthen that core so you know who you are and what you have to bring to the table as a WHOLE person. She's broken into pieces right now and this could be breaking you too. A broken person can't look to someone else to be fixed or blame the other for being broken.

At the very least SHE needs to go on her own if you don't feel you need it. But, setting the example would help her go. SHE MUST GO TO COUNSELING. There are definately issues there with her and many were named in previous posts: codependence, passive agression, depression, her illness and coping mechanisms, blaming, internet addiction (I'm still guilty but this avenue helps me. Sharing and purging helps me.), her disconnection with you, her not confessing what she's unhappy about in terms of her life, her emotional needs, sexual needs etc....

What's mostly at issue here is her not coming to terms with her unhappiness. I ventured out thinking it was just a physical need and was in denial of my emotional needs b/c I was disconnected. I thought I could be like a guy- stone and just get "what I want". I doubt I can target all the areas that need to be hit here. Relationships and sex are complicated layers with distinction and overlap. The guys on here that just expect fidelity, but make no efforts to maintain it are are selfish assholes. What's the difference between breaking up and sleeping around and then coming back vs conveniently cheating? Honesty is the difference, but that's all. The guys on here who know what they need to do to maintain it and are still cheated on are the real victims. Vica versa for women.

There are many areas that need to considered in a relationship: SEX, AFFECTION, ATTENTION TO PHYSICAL DETAILS, CONSIDERATION FOR HOW SHE WANTS TO BE LOVED & TOUCHED, EMOTIONAL OPENNESS, DOMESTIC RESPONSIBILITIES, CHILDCARE, RESPECT etc.... More good advice: Figure out what is her love language. For most men, they want to be acknowledged, thanked for their efforts (affirmation) and the physical attention (affirmation). Women want to be cherished, treasured, made to feel uniquely special. Even if she played out her nasty side in the erotica it boils down to affection. Pay attention to the details in her erotica writing! She wants that with you too once she sees the person she loves again. Or, she's so far gone she refuses to see it....

I began my cheating journey thinking I was only looking for physical fulfillment b/c my spouse was lousy at meeting a woman's needs, was letting go of his domestic duties, staying on the internet day after day researching his hobby, and I got tired of asking/telling him what to do in bed, and I started to UNbelieve that he did not cheat on me when it was discovered I got an STD during a pregnancy (had not been checked since I moved in with him umpteen years ago). I believed him that he didn't, though science said otherwise. He said the clinic I went to years ago must have missed catching it. I believed him for a long time...

I did not date much before marriage and he was my first real boyfriend, though I was not a virgin going in. But, I never really had good lovers- just experiences. So I set out and just had sex that had little to write home about. (See my OP How is your partner awful in bed?) I was in denial that I needed emotional fulfillment and an emotional relationship. I promised my last lover I totally understood the rules of NSA sex. But, he didn't have sex with me. He made (fake) love to me. He looked, smelled, sounded, FELT like the kind of man I wanted to marry or should have married. I was NOT expecting to find THAT and it devastated me and poked even more holes in my husband's image, until my spouse showed me again the person I fell in love with. My lover left me b/c he sensed my emotional attachment and our intense physical connection was interfering with his ability to feel connected to his wife. I respectfully let him go and it was for the best. Though, he likely will be out again hunting as he still has not found what he needs to feel satisfied and fulfilled so he can settle down. He wanted a free whore basically, even though his style of sex was very intimate. He wants to cut me off and I'm asking he doesn't just yet and to give me a year. I don't want to FEEL like that free whore by at least be given the respect of being treated like a friend. He didn't want an FWB. He wanted PURE NSA. Jerk. So, for those of you cheated on, few women actually find what they are looking for and it burns THEM in the end whether by catching an STD or being rejected, if that's any consolation. I doubt he will find it what he's looking for....HE needs counseling. He knows I'm seeing one.

Though no one deserves infidelity and it is the coward's way of doing things, it happens and you need to find out why she did it if you want to stay with her. I snicker at all the men who are so enraged at cheaters. They say 2/3 MEN will cheat and women are picking up speed and bringing up their numbers too. I suspect a good portion of the last noncheating 3rd just can't bring themselves to do it. I think a 3rd of that 3rd are truly faithful husbands and know that "fidelity is a decision, not a feeling". They have good advice on how NOT to cheat, but learn from cheaters how to keep your spouse from cheating. Well, you can't, for one: but you can feel good you did the best YOU could. (Are you really the lover SHE needs and wants? Are you cherishing her?) Oh, my spouse would "poke" me with his hard one. I HATED HATED HATED that! If she doesn't like it, DON'T DO IT!!!!!

I'm planning on reading a new book "When good people cheat." There are different kinds of affairs like the "ejector affair" where the person HOPES they get caught so they are forced out of a relationship. Again, the cowards way out. It is said men don't leave a relationship unless there's something on the side. I'm sure women can be the same too. Find out what type of affair was her's. My earlier affairs were all just "See the other side" affairs. To find out what GOOD sex is SUPPOSE to be like. But, it turned into an emotional one when I finally came across a person who made love to me the way I've always wanted. (Read my post in The Best Sex You Ever Had thread).

So, first, you need not cater to her just yet. Have her figure herself out. My spouse played it smart. He was aloof, but showed me he still loved me and brought back the person I fell in love with, but let me come to him. I saw that it broke my heart to hurt him and he had enough humilty to try to finally love me the way I want to be loved (my love language). He's agreeing to FINALLY start holding my hand in public, take me out on dates, go down on me, kiss me w/o snake tonguing or sucking my top lip raw, take care of the house better (weeds, broken fixtures, etc...), stop buying things that I don't agree to (huge TV's, furniture I don't like, etc...). You see, he was no innocent either so you need to fess up too where you may not be the best spouse you can be. It's not enough to just BE around and in a relationship and expect fidelity. You have to water, fertilize, put a relationship out in the sun if it is to keep growing. You sound like a great guy and is trying to do the right things so maybe you just need to know the DETAILS of how to be a better spouse. And if she is STILL unsatisfied and won't fix what SHE can bring to the table- it's on HER. Then, let the chips fall where they may.... Best wishes.
 
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Underwraps...very much from the heart and soul...I can feel i,,,, and thank you.

I think with her it was the attention...the thrill of feeling someone cared enough to do little things that connected her to another time and place. Yet she didn't understand that all of his efforts revolved around a sick, self serving agenda. She even confessed to me that when she finally met him in person that she was truly turned off by his appearance and physical attributes...she realized what she had in me was much more to her liking and that she liked what she was doing behind the keyboard but not in reality.

My wife and I see our counselor together for the first time tomorrow. Later meetings will be individual one on one visits. My wife has so many convoluted issues that she's a train wreck emotionally. Some of the highlights are, Both parents were ill her entire life and she took care of her dying father from the time she was 20 til she was 29...her mother died at age 59 when my wife was 19. When her father died, her other 5 siblings rushed to sell his home for the $$$$ leaving my wife with no home. She lived with one of her older sisters or a room mate til I met her. (We met in '92...married in '95...no children.) She is a twinless twin...loosing her twin sister to MS in 2006...that was/is a tough one. She has alienated all of her family over the selling of her fathers home incident...they do not speak with one another.She is in constant pain due to herniated disc in her back and neck....participates in "pain management" ;) The list go's on and on. I think these issues warrant a separate second and third tier of psycho therapy.

I hope to have her in the gym with me...something we can work at together...to boost her self esteem. Since all of this exploded last week I have repeatedly told her how beautiful she is. She is a beautiful woman even though she's overweight I will take a clue from what your husband did...develop a BIT of aloofness...yet cater to her romantic/physical needs.

This situation is definitely in the "advanced topics" arena and I am learning more every day on how to move through it.

Much thanks for your thoughts and input.

SE52...
 
Yes, she certainly has a lot in her damaged soul to contend with. Best wishes to you two on working through the mud and mire that is life and love....
 
Bro, I feel for you. I think the worst part of a cheating spouse (even an almost-cheating spouse) is the betrayl. Being lied to, and betrayed by the closest person in your life is hard to swallow. Trust is a fickle fellow; takes a long time to gain trust, and only a split second to lose it. Can you ever totally trust her again?
 
Shocking. I am subscribing just so I can continue to read tomorrow. Good luck my friend. You are a much better man than I as I would have left right then and there.
 
Straitedge,

I agree with many here that you have handled this very well. And it's obvious that you want to save this marraige which is very inderstandable given that it's been 15 years and she has MS and many other issues.

However, you seem to be in denial. She absolutely cheated on you. You can be 100% certain that she planned to meet the other guy, intentionally ditched you at the Dr's office, then did things that violated your marraige vows.

The violation of your trust is 100% on her and she still is not taking responsibility for it. I commend you for trying to save this marraige but you need to remain a man in both her eyes and your own.

It's time to make an ultimatum; she completely gives up Facebook, AOL, and on-line chatting; and, you know of her whereabouts at all times and her cell phone stays on, or you walk. Those conditions are completely justified under the curcumstances and should stay in place for as long as it takes for her to earn your trust back.

You cannot have a relationship without trust and if she's not willing to earn yours back, then you're just wasting time and prolonging your pain. Give her the choice and walk if she does not agree. You don't have to divorce right away and you can continue to go to marraige counceling, but her EARNING back your trust has to be an absolute condition of you staying with her. It's the only way a relationship can survive after something like this.

I really feel for you. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
 
Straitedge,

I agree with many here that you have handled this very well. And it's obvious that you want to save this marraige which is very inderstandable given that it's been 15 years and she has MS and many other issues.

However, you seem to be in denial. She absolutely cheated on you. You can be 100% certain that she planned to meet the other guy, intentionally ditched you at the Dr's office, then did things that violated your marraige vows.

The violation of your trust is 100% on her and she still is not taking responsibility for it. I commend you for trying to save this marraige but you need to remain a man in both her eyes and your own.

It's time to make an ultimatum; she completely gives up Facebook, AOL, and on-line chatting; and, you know of her whereabouts at all times and her cell phone stays on, or you walk. Those conditions are completely justified under the curcumstances and should stay in place for as long as it takes for her to earn your trust back.

You cannot have a relationship without trust and if she's not willing to earn yours back, then you're just wasting time and prolonging your pain. Give her the choice and walk if she does not agree. You don't have to divorce right away and you can continue to go to marraige counceling, but her EARNING back your trust has to be an absolute condition of you staying with her. It's the only way a relationship can survive after something like this.

I really feel for you. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

Having her do the things in red means he can pretty much never trust her near a computer or on her own, if he cant trust her in these circumstances I dont think there is much to salvage....


Oh and based on your posts (original poster) please remember that her having sex wont save the marriage, you seem to be very centric in having sex so everything will be ok and back to normal....
 
Having her do the things in red means he can pretty much never trust her near a computer or on her own, if he cant trust her in these circumstances I dont think there is much to salvage....


....

He can't trust her in those circumstances; her actions have proven that.

If she's not willing to own up to that and walk the line for a year or more to prove she's on the straight and narrow, then she doesn't want to save the marraige.

For Straitedge to just trust her outright again right away would be insanity.

BTW, I agree with you on the sex issue. But that's the way men are wired; we look to sex as reassurance because if a woman is willing to take care of us in that way, everything MUST be ok.

At least that's the way it seems to us ;-)
 
He can't trust her in those circumstances; her actions have proven that.

If she's not willing to own up to that and walk the line for a year or more to prove she's on the straight and narrow, then she doesn't want to save the marraige.

For Straitedge to just trust her outright again right away would be insanity.

BTW, I agree with you on the sex issue. But that's the way men are wired; we look to sex as reassurance because if a woman is willing to take care of us in that way, everything MUST be ok.

At least that's the way it seems to us ;-)

Exactly. How far is she willing to go for her marriage? But it's so easy to play the victim, that doing the hard work just seems too, well, hard for some people.
Much easier to deny it and be hard done by. It's all the other person's fault. in every situation.
If I were straightedge I would require this of her as well. No computer. No trust till it's earned.
 
He can't trust her in those circumstances; her actions have proven that.

If she's not willing to own up to that and walk the line for a year or more to prove she's on the straight and narrow, then she doesn't want to save the marraige.

For Straitedge to just trust her outright again right away would be insanity.

BTW, I agree with you on the sex issue. But that's the way men are wired; we look to sex as reassurance because if a woman is willing to take care of us in that way, everything MUST be ok.

At least that's the way it seems to us ;-)

I agree, my wires are a bit mixed and I'm the kind that sex makes it all better :D what I am stating is be careful because it wont, dont pass up on sex if it is possible though :evil:
 
I agree, my wires are a bit mixed and I'm the kind that sex makes it all better :D what I am stating is be careful because it wont, dont pass up on sex if it is possible though :evil:

OK...got past that hurdle.:D I went to counseling Monday...wife had backache. :confused:

Therapist said BS...she's playing the sick card. I'll deal with her when and if she comes. Said I was beating myself up to much...let it flow how it will flow.

I think I'll go pour gasoline on the GD bonfire...met an awesome 35 year old at the gym that handed me her number the first time...second time she took my Blackberry away from me, ran into the women s locker room and put her number in it. I called her...meeting for coffee in the AM...this is nuts but it takes my mind off what is really nuts.

Wife is making bedroom eyes at me...I feel like I'm juggling hand grenades over here.:evil:

I think the gym rat just want's to put my notch on her purse...not my first rodeo..I can dis-connect.

Stay Tuned

May you live as long as you want to and want to as long as you live.
 
OK...got that taken care of. Now...as I get into this more I have found a second, more recent individual that is sending salacious e-mails and texts to my wife...and to beat hell she has participated!!!!WTF!!!! I think I am dealing with a whole different problem in an internet addiction.

I have copied all of these things and shown them to her and she can't remember typing/saying the things that she said!!! I am thinking she has a virtual vs reality problem and the lines between them are getting blurred. I am going to set up a visit with a psychologist for her...this is really sad.

Has anyone heard of this condition?
 
OK...got that taken care of. Now...as I get into this more I have found a second, more recent individual that is sending salacious e-mails and texts to my wife...and to beat hell she has participated!!!!WTF!!!! I think I am dealing with a whole different problem in an internet addiction.

I have copied all of these things and shown them to her and she can't remember typing/saying the things that she said!!! I am thinking she has a virtual vs reality problem and the lines between them are getting blurred. I am going to set up a visit with a psychologist for her...this is really sad.

Has anyone heard of this condition?

Ummmm I am very sorry to say that I think she is lying to you about not remembering writing those emails/texts.
She is playing you, and you are too nice to realize that...because you want to believe otherwise.
Why have these memory lapses only shown up in connection with her cheating on you? And not in other, more day-to-day events?
Fishy. Very, very fishy. I'd confront her with that and see what she says THEN.
Let her set up her own meetings with psychologists/doctors, if she's worried about her memory she will. If she's not, she won't.
 
OK...got that taken care of. Now...as I get into this more I have found a second, more recent individual that is sending salacious e-mails and texts to my wife...and to beat hell she has participated!!!!WTF!!!! I think I am dealing with a whole different problem in an internet addiction.

I have copied all of these things and shown them to her and she can't remember typing/saying the things that she said!!! I am thinking she has a virtual vs reality problem and the lines between them are getting blurred. I am going to set up a visit with a psychologist for her...this is really sad.

Has anyone heard of this condition?

Either this is too painful for you to actually face; or this whole thread is BS.

She intentionally ditched you at the Dr. Office and you still won't believe that she is flat out lying? Stop putting up with crap like that and move the hell out.

She's playing you because she believes she can get away with it.
 
Either this is too painful for you to actually face; or this whole thread is BS.

She intentionally ditched you at the Dr. Office and you still won't believe that she is flat out lying? Stop putting up with crap like that and move the hell out.

She's playing you because she believes she can get away with it.

I really wish it was BS....and yes it's painful as hell to get have your heart snatched out of your chest and syomped on with track cleats. I hear you though bro...I'm not going to concern myself with it any longer. If she catches op with reality then fine...if not...oh well.

The gym and my friends have been my sanity maintenance with this shit. Thanks for listening and contributing. Unless something significant happens relative to all of this crap...consider this thread capped.

Also..if anyone is leaving ..it will be her...I like where I am....4 bedroom 3 bath on 3/4 acre w/ a 3 car garage and screened heated pool....shit...I'm not leaving!!!

I have enough drama in my life with out this. Like Jack Nicholson said in the movie 'As good as it gets"...."Sorry...we have enough crazy here now...we don't need any more so go sell it somewhere else.":cool:
 
Ok Im gonna have to just come out and say it, her condition is called "Im a liar" she doesnt give a fuck about you or her relationship she is disgustingly playing the sick card, to cover her ass and keep you from leaving her, I didnt want to say it directly but now that ur therapist said it I can say it without being call a judgemental bitch, and I could be wrong but if she found an attractive man who treats her fairly enough and sex her up Im pretty sure SHE would leave YOU in a heartbeat.... sorry....
 
Ok Im gonna have to just come out and say it, her condition is called "Im a liar" she doesnt give a fuck about you or her relationship she is disgustingly playing the sick card, to cover her ass and keep you from leaving her, I didnt want to say it directly but now that ur therapist said it I can say it without being call a judgemental bitch, and I could be wrong but if she found an attractive man who treats her fairly enough and sex her up Im pretty sure SHE would leave YOU in a heartbeat.... sorry....

I look at it this way...If someone else can and will do a better job of taking care of and loving her than I have then...by all means...let them have a run at it. It would take a HUGE burden off of my shoulders.

I told her frankly...if she did not get professional help quickly, expect to see paper work looking for a signiture very soon.:)
 
Is part of you resentful that she has been having fun while you have not been getting laid even as you have put so much effort into bettering yourself? I would go to the counselor, but when there, focus on yourself and how YOU feel about her, your marriage, sex life, and relationship. I would try and not to focus on your anger about what she did and on the other guy. You're entitled to a healthy sex life in marriage and the goal of the therapy should be to figure out if you and she can get that back again or if you need to move on.
 
Is part of you resentful that she has been having fun while you have not been getting laid even as you have put so much effort into bettering yourself? I would go to the counselor, but when there, focus on yourself and how YOU feel about her, your marriage, sex life, and relationship. I would try and not to focus on your anger about what she did and on the other guy. You're entitled to a healthy sex life in marriage and the goal of the therapy should be to figure out if you and she can get that back again or if you need to move on.

Point made and taken. Definitely worthy of consideration.
 
George's advise is great. Yeah, it will come down to a very personal decision, depending on your values, your way of thinking, etc...there are so many factors. My opinion is based on who I am. But If by any chance you consider going to counseling, take it. You never know. There's nothing to lose. If you determine that this incident is something that will not bother you for the rest of your life, go and work it out. Is a tough decision, but it depends only on you. I have absolutely clear who I am, and what I would do. Is always good to hear other's opinions. It is great that you share your story with us, and we all understand you and support you.
 
Well...we both went to therapy and it went very well. She confessed the planned assignation and promised not to speak with male friends on line other than relatives. She also promised not to be on line at all after 10 PM.

I know this doesn't sound like much but this was a huge leap in my opinion.

Stay Tuned...
 
Well...we both went to therapy and it went very well. She confessed the planned assignation and promised not to speak with male friends on line other than relatives. She also promised not to be on line at all after 10 PM.

I know this doesn't sound like much but this was a huge leap in my opinion.

Stay Tuned...

She didnt confess it, she admitted it because you caught her, but at least she's dropping the "unconscious chatting" charade, at least she went to therapy, that's good....
 
She didnt confess it, she admitted it because you caught her, but at least she's dropping the "unconscious chatting" charade, at least she went to therapy, that's good....

No doubt...let's see what happens next. She actually showed me an e-mail from one of her closest friends that said "*******, WTF is wrong with you ? If you love your husband, why risk the stability and comfort you have for some online bull shit? If you're bored get a job. After all...you're not 25 ...all tight and hot any more and unless you have $50K to drop in Boca on a plastic surgeon, your "hunting" days are over!!

I think that nails it.
 
Well... the friends' email is supportive, but do you want your wife to stay with you because she loves and respects you or because she doesnt want to lose a practical comfy life and thinks she cant do better?
 
Well... the friends' email is supportive, but do you want your wife to stay with you because she loves and respects you or because she doesnt want to lose a practical comfy life and thinks she cant do better?

I agree. Just because something is comfortable does not mean it is preferable. Hell, a warm bath and a few valium is comfortable too, but THAT's not a great idea either.
 
Well... the friends' email is supportive, but do you want your wife to stay with you because she loves and respects you or because she doesnt want to lose a practical comfy life and thinks she cant do better?

Damn....another dose of reality!!! This is great info...provides a fresh perspective...I love it.
 
Bro...my marriage of twenty years ended due to similar events....pm me sometimes....best advice I can tell you. Move on. Don't let the hate, anger, fear, grief pain affect you. I spent a year in serious depression, even tried committing suicide. Over drank, over ate, stopped working out...put on over 50lbs of pure fat...Then the wifes attorneys sent divorce papers....I woke up....I decided to live, to put my own happiness as prioiry, to make my life #1, and stop caring what the wife was doing because I can not control her actions....

Like I said , need a friend to talk with...pm me....I'll give you my number, call anytime. Best of luck brother...I pray for you....it it tough.

Ken
 
Well... the friends' email is supportive, but do you want your wife to stay with you because she loves and respects you or because she doesnt want to lose a practical comfy life and thinks she cant do better?

I got a great idea from someone to start doing Cliff Notes on my long posts. lol

So, the short version: She seems to play the victim and will play it again if you show her the door. She's disconnected emotionally. She needs to be honest and tell you everything she's unhappy with in her life and the marriage in order to get back to mental health and in order to be able to reconnect with you and rediscover her love for you again. Otherwise, no point in working on trust behaviors if there's no reconnecting emotionally. You'd both only be playing a charade of marriage. It is a good idea for her to stay offline from places she can "meet" people, but not just to earn your trust- for her to get herself together, mentally.

The full version:
Yes, this is a very good question. I really feel for you b/c your wife has a kind of victim syndrome. Victim of her disease, her family, etc... victim of you and the marriage situation. I made selfish choices, but consider myself to be of pretty sound mind and body and am able to really dig through psychologically why I did what I did. If she is not cognisant enough to really think deep about why she did it/wants to keep doing it, then she's completely disconnected from you (and the world) emotionally. She was able to do it in the first place b/c she was disconnected. That's why women cheat. For men, it can really be just about the physical needs, not so for most women. I discovered I was no different. My disappointment in my marriage and spouse created an emotional gap I was not even aware of until I met someone that I wanted an emotional connection with. I thought I was being like a dude and was just out to find out what good sex was suppose to be like.

She seems out of touch with reality and is lost in the internet world as if that's reality. There is no point in her going through a regiment of motions to prove her trustworthiness if she's still broken on the inside and hasn't come to terms with why she is/was needing it. Since she's already caught, she may as well come clean. Even if it hurts you and her excuses are unfair, get her to tell you all the reasons why she's unhappy. She has taken you for granted, but not the comforts of the home. Yes, she may have only stayed b/c she can't be independant and take care of herself. If she is going to stay then she has to reconnect with you (and then start the acts of trust). If she can't/won't reconnect with you though and you show her the door- making you look like the bad guy- she will merely play the "woe is me" game and be the perpetual victim of life again. Wow- that's a tough one. But, it may take that kind of rejection for her to wake up. I may still be in the midst of my cheating madness if I was not rejected from my lover and then in a sense by my spouse b/c he told me he would make it easy for me and sign the papers if I was THAT unhappy. It hurt me to see him hurt and I finally could see where there was still love- albeit dim and needing dusting off. And, he is making changes too. Is she remorseful at all that she hurt you? Have you and she made any attempts to be kinder, gentler, more affectionate to each other? What kind of efforts is she making? You need to find out if she's completely and irrevocably checked out emotionally.
 
I am reallly beginning to wonder if this is a real thread or BS....i mean who in the world would believe this shit she is spewing. Cant remember typing the porn???? ha ha. Man if this is real then please take this the right way, but you need to man up and be done with this. SHe has and will continue to fuck you over. I hope you live in a very large town because all of the women who will know of your situation will never give you the time of day because they will see you as weak too. Women want men to be men....and not let some woman, who is in all accounts, a whore run all over them. I know these are harsh words and in the beginning i was all with you feeling sorry for you and hoping it worked out. NOw however i just see it a pathetic that you would even entertain anything that comes out of her mouth as close to being true. Sorry, I am not saying this to start a fight just trying to be a wake up call.
 
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Hold on and read this...it's "out there".

My wife and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary this year. I am 57...she is 51. When we first met in '92 we both had a strong libido and were all over each other most of the time. We lived together for almost 3 years before we were married and sex was great and often. Just prior to getting married she discovered that she had Multiple Sclerosis and told me that she would understand if I wanted to "bail". I love this woman and said "Hell No!!" and we pulled the trigger.

As the years went by we found ourselves separated by time in that I was working long hours to make the income and she was at home dealing with her condition and becoming more and more depressed as she saw her beautiful body start to go south as a result of lack of exercise and fatigue associated with the MS. I fell into the trap of eating on the road and picking "garbage" up for dinner on the way home most nights so she wouldn't have to cook. I began to see my own body headed downhill because of this.

Time marches on and waits for no one and my sex drive fell off as a result of my eating habits and lack of exercise and I just thought "Oh well...it is what it is". She was put on a Interferon injectable MS drug 3 years into this and despite the side effects started to show some improvement. The sex started to improve but was short lived due to her having a trip and fall accident in 2001. She suffered a broken ankle and herniated disc in her neck and back and was put on pain meds {Morphine, Kadian, Duragesic, Percocet, and now Roxicodone) as a bandaid to help her cope with the pain. Sex became a memory.

We became one those "Fuddy Duddy" middle aged couples that just plotted along day by day without a whole lot to look forward to.

Suddenly...one day in the fall of 2008, I read an article about Andropause, HRT and how I didn't have to wait to die from old age. I went to a wellness Dr., had the blood tests done and found that I was "low normal" in testosterone and could benefit from HRT. I was 6-2, 305 w/ a BMI of 34%. Fast forward to today...I am 250 w/ a BMI of 14%!!! .....BIG CHANGE!!! My libido has skyrocketed and I am hornier than a 3 dicked Billy Goat most of the time.

Needless to say, as I noticed the changes in myself, I realized that my wife was not going to be able to keep up. I had her see the same Dr., who is also an orthopedic specialist with Dr.s of several orthopedic disciplines in his practice. She had a full female panel run and we found that she was f*cked up as a football bat w/regard to hormones and she started working on limited HRT as well as nutrition and diet. In the past year she has lost 35 lbs but still has the pain and is still limited in what she can do exercise wise.

OK...now you have the back story....now for the good part.

Even though I was starting to look good and must say that now I look and feel 25 years younger...she didn't take any real interest in me. Maybe it was because we neglected each other for so long that there was a mental block between us relative to us engaging in love making. I have taken care of my needs with internet porn and have from time to time gone to her and asked if there was anything I could do for her.I have always gotten a negative response...but all the while pushing her with the diet and nutrition. I still continue to hit the gym 3 days a week and am still hoping for the signal from her that "it's time". Understand that my wife is still very attractive even though she is 30~40 lbs overweight.

I took notice that she had become very active in Facebook and AIM and will often times be up late into the wee hours "chatting online with her friends". I figured all of this was harmless until one day last week. She had been telling me about contacting an old male neighborhood friend and classmate from her hometown. Over the past 8~10 months she would mention speaking to this guy and then a month or so ago ..let's call him "Bill", told her that he would be in the "area" and would like to see her. She asked me what I thought and I told her to make it a public place, let me know where she was and how long, etc. I had no problem with the whole thing since it isn't often that you get to see friends from 30+ years ago. She was apprehensive about this whole thing due to her appearance changing over the years and I told her that it would be fine.

The appointed day came around and just happened to co-inside with a Drs appointment that she had. I usually went with her to these Dr. appointments and said to her that since she was meeting her friend close by afterward perhaps she could introduce him to me, I could excuse myself and let them chat. "NO..he doesn't want to meet you" she said (Clue No. 1). I asked why and was told that he was shy and felt uncomfortable. I thought this was a bit strange but agreed. We agreed that we would go to the Drs appointment together in separate vehicles at 4 PM and that she would give me her Rx as we left...I would then go to the drug store, have Rx filled and have ready when she got home from her visit. She was to leave the Drs office and meet "Bill" at a local Carabas for a drink or two and be home by 7 PM. We arrived at the Drs office and I waited in the lobby as she went in for her check up. After about 45 min I went out to the parking lot to get some air ad noticed that her car was gone. (Clue No 2) I went back in and asked the receptionist where she was and was told that she left 20 minutes ago. I asked how she got past me without me seeing her and they said she went out the back door and gave me her Rx.:confused: I thanked them and went to my truck, called her cell and got voice mail. I asked in a message how long was she going to let me sit before she let me know she left? I drove by the Carabas where she was supposed to be and her car was not there. Long story short...I did not see or hear from her until 9:30 PM when she got home. When I asked why she didn't call she said that her phone turned off and that she didn't get my calls. She said "Bill" decided that he wanted to go over to a restaurant near his hotel 20 miles away and she followed him there.

By now you can figure that I am pissed off as a motherfucker and shit is flying all over our house. She swore her innocence and we got to bed about 4 AM. This all happened a week ago and over the next 2 days I found a way to hack her AOL E-mail anm AIM and discovered that she had been in "erotic chat" with this prick for several months. In the 2 days after their meeting I read and copied blow by blow replay of what they did (no intercourse but close) and what they were going to do next time. I discovered that he is an attorney and had used his firms e-mail to send her pics of him jerking off in the office last December...what a stupid bastard!!!( I have copies.) I kept casually asking her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and kept getting " Nothing happened...you're over reacting". I let the line out a few more times and then I laid it on her...I know everything, I have copies of all of the e-mail and text sessions...I know every thing that you two have said to each other for the past 8 months. There was some continued denial and then she started talking about the thrill of something new and different....then suddenly...when I showed her what I had...I could see her shut down completely as she read what she had typed in the text sessions. It read like the script of a porno movie. At first she was angry with me for discovering all of this. That has transitioned to statements like "The guy is a pin head and I could barely stand being next to him". She told me that she let him kiss her and rub her boobs but stopped him because she felt violated. She told me that when she told him she had to go he gave he $1000. I told her that there is a term for that...she really got pissed off then and shut down. She has since told me that she can't believe she typed the things that she did. I think this guy might be one of these manipulative bastards that is a control freak.

In the meantime, I sent this asshole an e-mail with copies of this shit and told him that if he ever contacted her again I would give him a war that he can only imagine. I sent him copies of his firms web site...his home address, wife's name and map to his house. I told him that I wanted an acknowledgment and contact within the next 24 hours or I would let the "missiles fly"...he called me within 4 hours and surrendered totally. He sent a confirming e-mail and apologized. I told him that any breach of this would result in immediate termination of his current lifestyle....he understood.

I have scheduled a marriage counselor for next week and told my wife that attendance was mandatory. I am looking to have normal marital relations with her and she said it would take a while for her to warm back up to me. I will give it a bit of time...how long I don't know. We are being civil to each other now while realizing that we are tip toeing through a mine field.

So gang...there you have it. I am open to comments and suggestions. Have I discovered a new vice that is tied to the internet...sort of like "online fantasy" that in this case almost became total reality? Do we need a marriage counselor or a sex therapist ...or both?:confused:

Get a good lawyer and sue her for divorce. I wouldnt tell her. Id start the process without her knowing. If you have a joint account liquidate right before she is given the papers....Let her sue you for the rest of it.

Id also have the attorney office come to your house and formally remove your computer and "document" it. Sorry I dont deal with bs well...15 years of marriage and she is blowing some guy ?
 
Sorry, I am not saying this to start a fight just trying to be a wake up call.

Let me tell something about me. I don't have any respect for some one that is afraid to say what they feel. I might not always agree with what you say or think but I will fight with you to the death to defeat an enemy that would take that right away from you.

Your thoughts are valuable and appreciated.
 
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