pinchy!
that reminded me... another good one is when maggie is discovered to be kang's daughter...
% Homer's viewing of "How Dracula Got His Groove Back" is interrupted
% by a knock at the door.
Homer: [opens door to find Kang and Kodos standing there]
Hello -- oh great. Mormons.
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians and we've come to see
... my daughter. [holds up and squeaks a squeak-toy]
Marge: Oh, Lord. I was hoping this day would never come.
Homer: Huh? What are you talking about?
Kang: You mean you never told him?
Marge: Oh, I guess I've been in denial. Homer, Kang is Maggie's
father.
Homer: [gasps] You intergalactic hussy! How could you! [covers
his face and cries]
[looks up] Was he better than me?
-- Well ..., "Treehouse of Horror IX"
% Marge begins to retell the tale. One day, she was having a great
% time hanging laundry in the back yard, when Kang's spacecraft hovered
% ominously in the air. Using advanced alien devices (like a good
% length of rope), they bring Marge aboard the ship, and sit her on a
% couch.
Kang: Congratulations. You have been selected for our cross-
breeding program.
Kodos: To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common
spawning locations of your species. You may choose either
[as Kodos lists the choices, he highlights a mock-up of each
one]
the back seat of a Camaro,
an airplane bathroom,
a friend's wedding,
or the alley behind a porno theater.
Marge: I absolutely refuse to go along with this; [pause] but since
I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
[the alley set slides behind the couch. Kang retracts his
helmet and sits next to Marge]
Kodos: Initiate fertilization procedure.
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in
mass?
Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful
mind-confusion techniques.
Kang: Look behind you.
[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam
something on her]
Insemination complete. [deploys space helmet]
Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.
Kang: What are you implying?
Marge: Nothing, nothing.
Kang: Whoa, wow, look at the time. I'd love to stay but I have an
early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl, though. I'll
call you sometime.
[pushes a button marked "dump." The couch cushion tilts up,
and Marge falls back to Earth through a chute]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"
% Nine months later, says Marge, Maggie was born. Now, Kodos wants to
% take her back to Rigel 7, where she will be given lifetime employment
% in the Rigelian civil service. Homer refuses to give Maggie up, and
% the two begin to fight. Bart intercedes, saying, "there's only one
% man who can settle an argument this bizarre."
%
% That one way, of course, is to go on "The Jerry Springer Show."
% Today's topic is, "My Daddy's a Space Monster!"
Springer: Okay, we're back. Homer, how'd it feel to learn your
baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus?
[Graphic comes up that says, "Homer Simpson: 'Wife
knocked boots with Space Stud!'"]
Homer: It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired.
Springer: Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier, because
we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in
the soundproof booth where he can't hear us.
Kang: I hear all!
Springer: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
Kang: [walks onstage, gives Marge a bouquet of roses, and
kisses her hand. Homer jumps and punches him]
Homer: You lousy two-timing [bleep bleep]! I'm gonna [bleep]!
Kang: Oh yeah? Well [bleep] hyperbolic parabaloid! [bleep]
yo mama! [grabs two chairs and uses them to fight
Homer]
-- "Treehouse of Horror IX"
% Stagehands break up the fight. Jerry takes the microphone into the
% audience to take questions.
Woman: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it
is.
Springer: Homer.
Woman: Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where
you been at?
[audience voices its agreement]
Ya know, someone needs to learn your green ass some
responsibility.
[audience cheers. Kang pulls a ray gun and vaporizes
the women]
Springer: Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with
your fancy ray gun.
[Kang vaporizes remainder of audience]
And now for my final thought.
[steps in front of his "final thought" backdrop]
Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above
the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their
differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie.
[Maggie attacks Jerry]
Ow! What the [bleep]! Get the [bleep] baby off
[bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!
[Kang attacks Springer. Homer attacks Kang again. The
show's end credit music comes up]
Marge: I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.
-- A very special episode of "The Jerry Springer Show," "Treehouse of
Horror"
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