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Richard Simmons
a John Cheese interview
July holds the birthday of a name that everyone in the free world is familiar with: Richard Simmons. It is widely known that Mr. Simmons is a huge fan of John Cheese's Magic Pimp Bus, and as a special birthday gift, we offered to interview him for free. He was only too eager to get down to business.
John Cheese: Wow, Richard Simmons. . . It's a real honor to have you here in the John Cheese's Magic Pimp Bus studio.
Richard Simmons: The pleasure is all mine, John. I've been a fan for many years. Coming here for this interview is yet another dream I have accomplished. I have truly been blessed.
JC: Thank you, but I have to say that the only fan in this room is me. I have been a fan of your. . . . . . . . . stuff. . . . . . . . . . . . for many years. I particularly liked. . . . . . . . I really loved it when you. . . . . . . . um. . . . . . . that one thing you did where. . . . . . . um. . . . . . . David, who is this fucker?
David: Uh, I'm really not too sure, John. I think he was the lead singer for Air Supply.
RS: (a little confused) I'm Richard Simmons.
JC: No, Air Supply broke up a long time ago. I think that lead singer guy died or something.
David: They broke up, but that guy is still alive.
RS: No, I'm not that guy from Air Supply, guys. I'm Richard Simmons.
JC: The "Def Comedy Jam" guy? You kick ass. (pumping my fist in the air) WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!!!!!
David: They only did that "whoop, whoop" thing on Arsenio Hall. Def Comedy Jam is that other show with black people on it.
RS: No, that's Russel Simmons, and he's black. I am clearly white. I'm the guy who lost all the weight, and I help other people lose weight as well.
JC: Were you the guy who like ate nothing but Pizza Hut--
David: Subway.
JC: --Yeah, Subway, and lost like seven hundred pounds?
RS: No, that wasn't me. I'm the guy who--
JC: FUCK!!!
RS: What!?
JC: You're that guy who used to be a big fat piece of shit!
David: Yeah, I remember you now! Ewwww, you're gay, too! John, he's getting gay all over your seat. Make him stand up.
RS: Damn it! I am not gay!
JC: You look pretty gay to me. David, how gay would you say he is?
David: Pretty damn gay. On a scale of 1 to gay, I'd say. . . . . . . . . at least violently queer.
RS: (standing up) I don't have to put up with this!
JC: AHHHH!!!!! It's coming at us! Run, David! It's fagging out!!
Richard, in a fit of rage, punched David the neck and stormed out of the studio.
David: AHHHH!!!! John, he got gay on me!! Get it off me, GET IT OFF ME!!!
Sadly, the only way to save David was to set him on fire. He is currently in stable condition at St. Joseph Hospital in St. Louis, awaiting several skin grafts that the doctors assure us will completely remove any excess gay that may be infecting him. Formal sexual harassment charges have been filed against Mr. Simmons, and we will keep you updated on any happenings with the case.
a John Cheese interview
July holds the birthday of a name that everyone in the free world is familiar with: Richard Simmons. It is widely known that Mr. Simmons is a huge fan of John Cheese's Magic Pimp Bus, and as a special birthday gift, we offered to interview him for free. He was only too eager to get down to business.
John Cheese: Wow, Richard Simmons. . . It's a real honor to have you here in the John Cheese's Magic Pimp Bus studio.
Richard Simmons: The pleasure is all mine, John. I've been a fan for many years. Coming here for this interview is yet another dream I have accomplished. I have truly been blessed.
JC: Thank you, but I have to say that the only fan in this room is me. I have been a fan of your. . . . . . . . . stuff. . . . . . . . . . . . for many years. I particularly liked. . . . . . . . I really loved it when you. . . . . . . . um. . . . . . . that one thing you did where. . . . . . . um. . . . . . . David, who is this fucker?
David: Uh, I'm really not too sure, John. I think he was the lead singer for Air Supply.
RS: (a little confused) I'm Richard Simmons.
JC: No, Air Supply broke up a long time ago. I think that lead singer guy died or something.
David: They broke up, but that guy is still alive.
RS: No, I'm not that guy from Air Supply, guys. I'm Richard Simmons.
JC: The "Def Comedy Jam" guy? You kick ass. (pumping my fist in the air) WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!!!!!
David: They only did that "whoop, whoop" thing on Arsenio Hall. Def Comedy Jam is that other show with black people on it.
RS: No, that's Russel Simmons, and he's black. I am clearly white. I'm the guy who lost all the weight, and I help other people lose weight as well.
JC: Were you the guy who like ate nothing but Pizza Hut--
David: Subway.
JC: --Yeah, Subway, and lost like seven hundred pounds?
RS: No, that wasn't me. I'm the guy who--
JC: FUCK!!!
RS: What!?
JC: You're that guy who used to be a big fat piece of shit!
David: Yeah, I remember you now! Ewwww, you're gay, too! John, he's getting gay all over your seat. Make him stand up.
RS: Damn it! I am not gay!
JC: You look pretty gay to me. David, how gay would you say he is?
David: Pretty damn gay. On a scale of 1 to gay, I'd say. . . . . . . . . at least violently queer.
RS: (standing up) I don't have to put up with this!
JC: AHHHH!!!!! It's coming at us! Run, David! It's fagging out!!
Richard, in a fit of rage, punched David the neck and stormed out of the studio.
David: AHHHH!!!! John, he got gay on me!! Get it off me, GET IT OFF ME!!!
Sadly, the only way to save David was to set him on fire. He is currently in stable condition at St. Joseph Hospital in St. Louis, awaiting several skin grafts that the doctors assure us will completely remove any excess gay that may be infecting him. Formal sexual harassment charges have been filed against Mr. Simmons, and we will keep you updated on any happenings with the case.
