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post up your best jokes

*The_West*

*The_West*

New member
this is my favourite, not only because it is hilarious, but you could tell it to grandma over a sunday lunch.
an englishman, an irishman and a chinese man are looking for work. they go to the local building site to see if there is anything going. the foreman says "yeah, i got a bit of work you can do-see that massive pile of dirt (points to big pile of dirt) i want it moving over there (points to empty space)."
he says to the englishman "ok mate, you are in charge of the hard work, its your job to actually move the dirt"
he says to the irishman "you are in charge of the whole operation, the supervisor, if you like"
he says to the chinese man "and you are in charge of the supplies for the job, ok?" chinese man says "yes, i in charge of supplies"
so the foreman says "i have to go take care of something, i will be back in 2 hours, and when i am, i want to see half of this dirt moved, ok?"
so he goes away and comes back in 2 hours, but when he returns he sees the dirt hasnt even been touched.
he sees the englishman and the irishman standing by the dirt and asks them "what the fuck, i said i wanted half of this dirt moved by the time i got back, whats going on?"
the englishman says "well you know that chinese guy, he was meant to bring us our supplies, but he just disappeared and we cant find him"
so the foreman says "right im going to find and sack that little fucker" and walks round the side of the pile of dirt
all of a sudden, the chineseman jumps out from behind the pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!!!!"
 
Smurfy said:
What's the difference between jelly and jam?








































I can't jelly my cock up your ass.
Click to expand...
you could give it a good try though!
no lol, i like it. i wont try telling it to grandma over sunday lunch though.
 
well in all honesty, my brother told me that joke this weekend. he prefaced it with "i know youre my sister and all but this is a good one so Ill tell it anyway"
 
KY JELLY works pretty damn good, so PICK3 tells me.
 
There were three guys trying out for the CIA. All of them were in one room with the Director and outside this one room were three smaller rooms that the men had seen on their way in. The Director stands up to talk to the men and says, 'The CIA is a very select group. You have passed all of your other tests, but there is one final test you must pass before you can come work for me. Did any of you see the three rooms outside this room on your way in?' The three men nod. 'Inside each room are your wives. The final test you must pass before you will be allowed to join the CIA is one of devotion and loyalty. One by one I want you men to go into the rooms your wife is in and I want you to kill your wife.'

"The Director picks one of the men and tells him that his wife is in the room with the big roman numeral I on it. He nods silently and takes the gun from the Director and walks out. A few minutes later, he comes back in and hands the gun to the Director. 'I can't do it,' he says. 'She was my high school sweetheart and I cannot kill her, no matter what.'

"The Director tells him to leave and never come back. He hands the gun to the second man, who takes it and walks to the room with the roman numeral II on it, as he is told. A few minutes later he returns and is in tears. 'Mr. Director, I am sorry, but I can not do what you ask. As much as I want to work for the CIA, I cannot kill my wife. She is my sole support and I need her.'

"He tells the man to be gone and hands the gun to the third man. After telling him that he could be his deputy director if he accomplishes the task, the man nods and leaves the room. Shortly after the Director hears the door with the roman numeral III shut, he hears the gunfire. Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam. And then there is silence for a few seconds. Immediately following the silence, he hears a loud commotion and some screaming. He hears what he thinks is furniture being overturned and items being broken, but he does not want to interrupt. This goes on for ten minutes and then the noise dies out completely, interrupted by silence. After a minute of silence, the man emerges and the Director asks him what the hell was going on in there. The man said, 'You mistakenly put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the bitch'"
 
somebody tell the joke from the other day about the monkey who was putting everything up his ass and then eating it... who told that one? funny MF'er....
 
txbondsman said:
somebody tell the joke from the other day about the monkey who was putting everything up his ass and then eating it... who told that one? funny MF'er....
Click to expand...
was that not just puddles describing his picnic?
 
And Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. All three sit at the bar and order a pint of Guinness. While they are waiting for their beers to settle a fly comes and lands in the Englishman's beer. He pushes the pint aside and asks for a new one. Another fly comes and lands in the Scotsman's beer, he calmly picks up the pint and starts drinking. A third fly comes and lands in the Irishman's beer. He plucks the fly out and starts shaking it over the glass screaming "Spit it out you bastard"

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
Scotsman said:
And Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. All three sit at the bar and order a pint of Guinness. While they are waiting for their beers to settle a fly comes and lands in the Englishman's beer. He pushes the pint aside and asks for a new one. Another fly comes and lands in the Scotsman's beer, he calmly picks up the pint and starts drinking. A third fly comes and lands in the Irishman's beer. He plucks the fly out and starts shaking it over the glass screaming "Spit it out you bastard"

Cheers,
Scotsman
Click to expand...
lmao how true!
 
A young American is sitting in a pub in Scotland when an older man sits down next to him.

The older man points out the window at a barn and says:
"You see that barn that fine fine barn out there I built it with me own two hands but do the call me Angus the barn builder? No."

The American kind of shrugs and turns back to his beer.

The older man then points out to the field outside the pub and says:
"You see that field there that fine fine field, I plowed the hole thing by hand and planted it myself. Do the call me Angus the farmer? No."

Again the American turns back to his beer.

The older man then points out the window to the stone bridge outside and says:
"Do you see that bridge there, that fine fine bridge? I build the hole thing myself carried every stone and placed it by hand, but do the call me Angus the bridgebuilder? No. But you fuck just one sheep....."

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
I posted this a couple of weeks ago, but here it is again....

What do you call an asian who flies a plane?










































































A pilot, you racist asshole!

:rimshot:
 
haha!
a man is driving through the countryside, almost in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down. luckily, he can see lights in the distance so he walks towards it. when he gets closer he realises it is a tiny little pub in a tiny little village. he enters, and when he does everyone falls silent and he notices some people staring menacingly at him. he says to the barman "im having some car trouble..." the barman cuts him short and says "who the hell are you, what do you do?" the man notices some of the locals creeping up behind him, rope in hand he says "i was just passing through, im a taxidermist" "what the hell is one of those" says the barman "i mount dead animals replies the now terrified man. the barman waves his hand at the approaching locals "its ok boys, he's one of us"
 
A guy is having major digestive problems and goes to the doctor's office. The doctor tells him he will have to use suppositories once a day for a month and it should clear up. The doctor says he will put the first one in for the guy and procedes to do so.

The next morning the guy is trying to put the suppository in but is having major issues. His wife offers to help him out and grabs him by the shoulder and proceeds to shove in the suppository. As she does so, the man lets out a blood-curdling scream. His wife asks if she hurt him. "No," he says, "I just realized the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders yesterday!!!"
 
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
 
Man walks into Greek tailoring shop, puts a pair of pants on the counter. Examining them, the tailor finds a big tear in the fabric.

Tailor: "Euripides?"

Customer: "Yes. Eumenides?"
 
Man walks into a confessional.

"Father, I am 77 years old and last night I made love to two beautiful 25 years old girls"

I see. are you married.

No father, I am a widower and unattached

Do you feel guilty about the sexual relations

No father we were all consenting adults.

Are you a regular church goer sir?

No father, actually I'm Jewish

Sir, then I am confused why you are telling me this.

Father, I'm telling everybody
 
a blonde is waiting outside one day for the milkman to come.
when he arrives to drop of her milk she asks him "tomorrow can you bring me lots and lots of milk, i want to have a bath in milk"
confused, but not bothered as he will make a bit of cash from this he says "do you want that pastuerized?"
she says "no, up to my tits will do fine"
 
jnevin said:
Man walks into Greek tailoring shop, puts a pair of pants on the counter. Examining them, the tailor finds a big tear in the fabric.

Tailor: "Euripides?"

Customer: "Yes. Eumenides?"
Click to expand...

*blank stare*

Oh wait lol...nevermind. I get it now.
 
*The_West* said:
the joke can be on...lilj888
and we'll go for the hottest female member so heatherrae.
Click to expand...


So myself, The West and Lilj888 all day and go to heaven. Were standing at the gates and as we walk in we are being told the rules. then this one rule catches us off gaurd. The guy at the gates says "you can do whatever you want, but if you step on a duck someone ugly of the oposite sex will chase you, and if they catch you then you are stuck with them for all eternity."

we all look at eachother a little confused but continue on our way. We're walking around chatting when The West steps on a duck.
-"ah shit" says West as he takes off running. next thing we know there is this ugly ass chick chaseing him.

I start pointing at him and laughing. I was laughing so hard I wasn't paying attention and I stepped on a duck.

-"crap"
I take off running like a bat outta hell. I catch up to The West and we are both looking for a place to hide from these ugly chicks.

so we lose the ugly chicks and turn a conner and there stands lilj888 and he is just chilling with this gorgeous girl. We are both stunned.

We run up and ask him....

"Damn lilJ888 how did you end up with such a beautiful women? you lucky shit you."







Heaterrae looks at us and says....












I stepped on a duck :rolleyes:
 
So a horse walks into a bar and orders a drink, and the bartender asks....


So... why the long face?




MUWAHAHAHA You know you love it!!
 
Basikstylz said:
So a horse walks into a bar and orders a drink, and the bartender asks....


So... why the long face?




MUWAHAHAHA You know you love it!!
Click to expand...

That's about on the level of, "So a man walks into a bar....ouch!"
 
young johnny is a mad tractor fan, 100% absolutely crazy about tractors. it is his 12th birthday tomorrow, and just before going to bed his dad says to him "son, i know its not your birthday til tomorrow, but i cant help it. here you go" and passes him a box wrapped in tractor wrapping paper.
inside is a gleaming remote control tractor. little johnny is over joyed with his present and his dad says "but thats not all, tomorrow im taking you to the farm and farmer giles will let you ride in his tractor. now go on, get some sleep its going to be a big day tomorrow"
now after this, johnny is buzzing with excitement, but nonetheless manages to sleep.
morning comes and little johnny races downstairs and has some breakfast.
his dad says "come on then johnny, get dressed, were off to the farm" johnny races upstairs, throws some clothes on and meets his father downstairs. they get in the car, and decide to bring bingo (johnny's little dog) along for the ride.
when they get their farmer giles says to johnny "happy birthday, i hear you like tractors, then? you want to get in and have a ride?" so johnny jumps up in the cab with farmer giles. after 5 minutes farmer giles says to him "now i know your young, but as its your birthday, do you want to take the wheel for a bit?" johnny is so excited he can hardly talk but manages to utter "yes please!" so he takes the wheel, and drives about the field, squealing with joy, but all off a sudden, he loses control and "YELP!" he runs over bingo! johnny jumps out, and sees his little dog there, lifeless and limp. "i HATE TRACTORS" screams johnny "i NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER TRACTOR IN MY LIFE!!!"
6 yeasr have passed since that day, and its johnny's 18th birthday. he is in the village pub having a few pints with his mates, when all of a sudden a terrible wind begins battering the pub, forcing all the soot out of the chimney and into the pub. people are dropping left right and centre, coughing and clutching their throats. not johnny though, he calmy steps up onto the bar, sucks all of the soot into his lungs, goes to the window and just blows it out. goes and sits down and carries on with his pint. now his mate says to him "johnny, that was incredible, you just saved our lives, how did you do that?! to which johnny smiles and replies "easy. im an ex tractor fan"
 
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
What about you Peter, how would you say it?'
Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny replied, 'I would say - Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'

(The teacher fainted)
 
Basikstylz said:
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
What about you Peter, how would you say it?'
Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny replied, 'I would say - Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'

(The teacher fainted)
Click to expand...
lol...that reminded me of one
 
*The_West* said:
this is my favourite, not only because it is hilarious, but you could tell it to grandma over a sunday lunch.
an englishman, an irishman and a chinese man are looking for work. they go to the local building site to see if there is anything going. the foreman says "yeah, i got a bit of work you can do-see that massive pile of dirt (points to big pile of dirt) i want it moving over there (points to empty space)."
he says to the englishman "ok mate, you are in charge of the hard work, its your job to actually move the dirt"
he says to the irishman "you are in charge of the whole operation, the supervisor, if you like"
he says to the chinese man "and you are in charge of the supplies for the job, ok?" chinese man says "yes, i in charge of supplies"
so the foreman says "i have to go take care of something, i will be back in 2 hours, and when i am, i want to see half of this dirt moved, ok?"
so he goes away and comes back in 2 hours, but when he returns he sees the dirt hasnt even been touched.
he sees the englishman and the irishman standing by the dirt and asks them "what the fuck, i said i wanted half of this dirt moved by the time i got back, whats going on?"
the englishman says "well you know that chinese guy, he was meant to bring us our supplies, but he just disappeared and we cant find him"
so the foreman says "right im going to find and sack that little fucker" and walks round the side of the pile of dirt
all of a sudden, the chineseman jumps out from behind the pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Click to expand...
you say fuck to your grandma over lunch?
 
little dave is at school, and his teacher is so impressed with the picture he drew she lets him pin it on the wall "ouch" he says as he accidentally catches his finger on the drawing pin "quick, we have to put it in cider"
bemused by his knowledge of alternative first aid , his teacher asks him "how did you learn that dave?"
"my sister says when she gets a prick in her hand she always puts it in cider"
 
Two sociology professors are walking down one of the paths on their campus one day, when they see a group of teens beating up an old lady and stealing her purse. One prof turns to the other and says "Poor kids".
 
Basikstylz said:
How did Hellen Keller burn her ear?







She answered the iron.


How did she burn her other ear?



Bastard called back!
Click to expand...
i dont know who she is or why she would be answering the iron, but i found it amusing nonetheless!
 
a little boy in sixth grade has sex with his teacher.so later that day he tells his mom i had sex with my teacher.his mom says your in big trouble your going to have a talk with your dad.his dad comes home gets the news and is as happy as can be ,he says son thats great your a man now im going to take you to get that new bike and we will sit down and have some icecream.then the boy says can i just get a football my ass is killing me.
 
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are walking down a road when on the other side of the road a 10yr old boy comes walking by.

Catholic Priest says to Rabbi: "Hey, you wanna go fuck that kid over there?"

Rabbi says: "Sure, but outta what?"
 
A homosexual man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. While he's there, he tells the doctor that he'd also like to be checked for STD's and HIV.

So, after drawing some blood, the doctor brings in a questionaire and begins asking the man questions from it.

"In the past year, how many sexual partners have you had?"

"How many of your sexual partners in the last year did you not use some sort of protection with" etc etc.

About midway down the questionaire, the doctors ask, " In the past year, have you had anal sex with another man". To which the guy answers "Yes".

Upon hearing this, the doctor rolls his eyes and shakes his head and continues on with the questionaire.

After everything is complete, the doctor tells the man that he will be calling him in about two weeks with the results of the blood test.

So two weeks go by and the man gets a phone call, he answers, and it's the doctor.

Doctor: "Sir, I'm sorry to inform you, you tested positive for the HIV virus"

Guy (frantic and in tears) : "Oh my god!! Are you serious?!?! Please no!! This can't be!! Is there anything I can do, I'll do anything, is there anything I can do doctor?!?!"

Doctor: "Yea, there's something you can do. Go to the store, buy a few heads of cabbage, a couple gallons of prune juice, a box of laxitives, a couple big cans of baked beans, then on the way home, stop at Taco Bell and order 1 of everything on the menu. Then, I want you to go home and start eating and drinking everything you just bought."

Kinda confused, the man responds : "And this will cure my HIV?"

Doctor : "No, but it'll remind you of what your butthole was suppossed to be used for!"
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
 
a man goes to the doctors as he suspects he might have picked up an sti. the doctor does all the necessary tests, and has bad news for the guy "unfortunately sir, you have got gonorhhoea, syphillis, herpes, chlammydia, genital warts and hiv. we are going to isolate you and put you on a diet of pizza"
"whys that?" says the man "will that cure my illnesses?"
"no," says the doctor, "its the only thing we can fit under the fucking door"
 
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