I was walking down my street today

[satanic goatslayer]

and I noticed that a man had tipped over in his motorized wheelchair and was pinned underneath it. I asked him if he needed any assistance. He apparently took this as an offer and told me to hurry up. I do not like being told what to do, so I told him that if he wanted help, he should ask nicely. He told me to shut up and help him out.

I picked the wheelchair up off of him and as he attempted to get up, I tossed it back onto his head, sending him into a state of unconciousness. I then took the opportunity to carve my initials into his abdomen using a Philips-head screwdriver. I left a note pinned to his back with a railroad spike that read

"Dear sir, I am sorry that I carved my initials into your abdomen, but you must realize that you are of no use to society, and you are better off as a canvas for my artwork than anything else. When you pass away, could I use your skin to make new drapes for my kitchen?"

I then returned home. I feel that I may have been a touch too harsh with my words, and I would like to repair this situation ASAP. He had his telephone number engraved into his Medical Alert bracelet that I stole from him, so should I just phone him and apologize, or would it be best to just let time heal his wounds?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[METHYL MIKE]

I think you should arrange to meet him, then dump the chair on his head again!! fuck i hate rude people!!

 

[Jimsbbc]

I am not sure why, but i enjoy these stories....

 

[supersizeme]

SG I think the best thing to do in this situation is contact the man and find out where he lives. Break into his house one night and attach a tazer gun to his nads that is hooked up to the Clapper. Then take him to gameshow tapings like Wheel of Fortune for several hours.

 

[satanic goatslayer]

Thank you for your replies thus far.

METHYL MIKE - I contemplated that, but thought that maybe death would be better.

supersizeme - Very creative. I think I will use that one, or a variation of it.

The_One - I'm speechless.

 

[sinister_storm]

SG....you are my idol !!

 

[satanic goatslayer]

You shouldn't idolize an outhouse cleaner/sheep herder, unless you ultimately want to be one yourself.

Most people don't.

 

[sinister_storm]

Funny you mention that,im already there.

 

[YellowD]

Who doesn't carry a phillips head screwdriver with them in their pockets these days?

 

[satanic goatslayer]

I always wear a tool-belt when I go out, just for these types of situations.

 

[YellowD]

Shit lockers are the god damned worse. Especially when fucking kids run around tipping them bitches over, and the shit leaks all over the ground. Its even worse when you're inside and they tip it over so it falls on the door, and your trapped in a puddle of shit, piss, and other misc.

 

[ORGANON CANON]

 

[GenetiKing]

SG,

I'm very interested in pursuing a career in the outhouse cleaner/septic tank purging area and realted services. It has always been my dream to relieve helpless citizens of their vile waste and diseased infested excrement and waste. Is there a more noble cause? Of course not.

Anyway, what type of educational background and training prepartation have you had in order to achieve such an lofty occupational status? What would you recommend for a hopeful up-and-coming young shit scoper such as myself? Do you have a PhD? Did you intern anywhere? Any schools/universities that you might suggest for said field? Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,
GenetiKing

P.S. Actually SG, it was you *blush* who ignited my septic tank cleaning fire. After watching you lead such an admirable lifestlye, I couldn't help but acknowledge my own feelings that I, too, wanted spend my best years disposing of others' waste. You are an ispiration to us all and my personal hero. *more blushing*

 

[satanic goatslayer]

Well, when I first got into the business, I was a high school dropout (8th grade) with no special training or qualifications whatsoever. I figured that I could NEVER get into a career as prestigious as outhouse cleaning without a college degree or even a high school diploma.

Just for the hell of it, I applied at the local shithouse where they informed me that their regular guy was in the hospital suffering from colon cancer, so they had an opening. I took it.

The next few months were spent learning the trade from a guy named Sal. He showed me the intricacies of scrubbing fecal matter off of toilet seats, and within a few months, I was a certified Crappercleaner.

I'm trying to distance myself from it, however. The industry has become more obsessed with the money than the pure joy of cleaning up other people's waste matter.

 

[Jimsbbc]

BULLSHIT SATAN!!!! I know your running around with your pointy ears and pitch fork! You can't have your way with my shitter, i keep it clean and tidy! You can go be Lord of The Flies somewhere else.

 

[Mdguy]

Jesus Christ, what ever happened to a good old-fashioned, public evisceration? Wannnabes...

I hope at least the screwdriver was rusty...

 

[VegasGuns]

You should go out and buy a nine iron go to the mans house. when he anwers the door calmly tell him that you came to apologize after he lets you in to hear what you have to say you beat him until the head breaks off
of the shaft (which my take awhile) then stab him to death with the shaft. rude old people