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Andy Rooney On Prisons:
"Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chairthat's hooked up to the generator."
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail itin. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away forme? Thank You."
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how theymark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get thatApril fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for whatyou believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Andy Rooney On Pregnancy::
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God.
He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing
"Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chairthat's hooked up to the generator."
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail itin. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away forme? Thank You."
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how theymark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get thatApril fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for whatyou believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Andy Rooney On Pregnancy::
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God.
He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing
