Do you let your man have hissies....

[Werd]

Question ladies:

Your man has a meltdown over THE MOST ridiculous thing - totally out of the blue. Do you just let the hissy run its course? (meaning NO CONTACT until he initiates) Or do you help him do it?

I am thinking about sending my guy an email saying just this:

"Is your hissy over?"

I'm not cold-hearted. Never been... always been one to fascilitate the other being able to apologize. But I will not beg. It is not about foolish pride. It is just that if a guy cares that little about me, why on earth would I want him? If we are both mature adults then we should be able to resolve issues or at the very least have a civil end and move on.

In case you guys didn't catch the thread on chat my guy had a fucking nuclear meltdown OUT OF THE BLUE because I returned a bday present he gave me after he raised his voice a tad when a situation occured that was TOTALLY OF HIS OWN MAKING.

At first I was very very hurt... now honestly, I cant recall why exactly I felt the need to return the gift. I mean I know why I was hurt, but I just cant recall why I felt the need to commit that specific action rather than just leave the way I did and speak with him later on about it.

I didnt mean to hurt him so badly (not that the email he sent me was in anyway proportional to me returning a fucking gift. For God's sake. It wasn't like he walked in on me sitting on his brother's dick.). I am very very sensitive to anyone raising their voice to me or being mean to me for any reason. I admit that. But I am not irrational. I am just very sensitive. I am trying to get over that without going back to being the person that would tolerate abuse.

Anyways - my guy is diagnosed bipolar (has been for like 10 years or so) and is always very careful to take his meds. Even has his blood monitored, etc. He does drink though... We have BOTH been under unbelievable stress...

What I am trying to say is that we both overreacted (He waaaaay over reacted though). I am cooled off by now and also passed the point of "I will die without this man LOL". Yes, I love him very deeply but if he is really REALLY going to overreact like this over something so fucking stupid then there is either something really REALLY wrong with him or I just plain dont need his drama. I know this will sound selfish. But I have several little kids that really REALLY need my full attention. Their father is putting us through hell and I dont need a guy giving us more.

I have known him for nearly 3 years and we have been serious since about June. HE PURSUED MY ASS OUT THE WAZOO - I MEAN BUT BAD. We have had our moments were we stopped speaking for months (once for nearly one year) at a clip but somehow were always drawn back to each other.

He could have some serious issues (which I dont want to discuss out in the open) but I will never know if we dont ever talk.

I have a lot going on personally that takes up a lot of my time and energy. I've taken these past several days to think and have decided to refocuse on getting back to the gym and working on my artwork again so my life is more than full. I wont die without him, but I also dont like wasting time.

Do I send him that email?..... if he is still nuts then I will just request he ship back my personal belongings (I started to leave a lot of my stuff there as I was spending a lot of time there.).

Or do I not initiate ANY contact AT ALL... and just wait about 3 more weeks and then request my belongings?

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Werd I wouldn't do it like is the Hissy over. I would give it more time see if he comes to you first like maybe another week. Then email him and be non confrontational ask simply what is going on?

 

[nvrbuffenuff_girl]

I would certainly initiate communication. But I wouldn't say "Is your hissy over?". That will only make him upset again if he is already over it or make him even more upset if he isn't yet over it. Maybe he is saying he isn't going to communicate with you until you come back to him. Maybe he is even still upset.

Commuication is the key to all relationships.

Perhaps he is upset for reasons other than what you may think. Obviously to him something was big enough of a deal to upset him in the way that it did, regardless of his medical diagnosis. It could be that you think he is upset for one reason when he is really upset for a completely different reason. Explain to him pretty much what you have posted here about what upset you to begin with, why you return the gift, how his raised voice put you off, etc.

 

[Werd]

I would certainly initiate communication. But I wouldn't say "Is your hissy over?". That will only make him upset again if he is already over it or make him even more upset if he isn't yet over it. Maybe he is saying he isn't going to communicate with you until you come back to him. Maybe he is even still upset.

Commuication is the key to all relationships.

Perhaps he is upset for reasons other than what you may think. Obviously to him something was big enough of a deal to upset him in the way that it did, regardless of his medical diagnosis. It could be that you think he is upset for one reason when he is really upset for a completely different reason. Explain to him pretty much what you have posted here about what upset you to begin with, why you return the gift, how his raised voice put you off, etc.

Nvrbuff - I did do that when I replied to his initial outofline email. I got two one line hissies... more of the same "we are done" nonsense. The reasons that he listed were TOTALLY IRRATIONAL... All he could say was that he was hurt by the fact that I said that I was hurt! WTF?! I am not allowed to have hurt feelings when he raises his voice at me for a stressful situation that HE created by NEVER ONCE telling me that he had a very difficult and unpleasant deadline to meet THAT DAY so that I should leave earlier than anticipated? All he would have had to tell me either the night before or early in the morning was,"Honey, you know I love it when you and the kids are here, but I really REALLY have this deadline to meet...." He would have had to say no more. I would have left after breakfast with a kiss and a smile, looking forward to the next time we were together instead of the way I did leave.

I know that he didnt want us to leave anymore than we wanted to. The last few times we had all been together (not just me and him but me, him AND the kids) it has been very very sad. Because we all wanted to be together for "forever". This was not just some romantic notion in MY head - he had said it to me and the children had as well.

And the weekend had been just soooooooo happy - like we were a real family with the exception of us not being able to truly be husband and wife. No real kissing or touching and certainly no going to sleep or waking together. Had nothin to do with sex but about intimacy and closeness. We would kind of joke about our frustration over the situation. We called it kind of like dry-fucking LOL going through the motions without the REAL desired end result.

I was soooooo hurt by the fact that he didnt tell me to have me and the kids leave earlier making them essentially a noisy nuisance that I just felt like I didnt want to be a part of anymore fantasy. It is easy to buy me a pretty thing but very difficult to treat me the way I deserve to be treated especially during stress. It was amazing how well we ALL were dealing with our stresses always laughing and smiling despite all the sadness and hard times that were beyond the boundaries of the happy house or restaurant or wherever else we were with or without the kids. We had had a series of natural disasters hit the house a few weeks back - leaky roof caused the kitchen ceiling to collapse, no cable, no phone, no A/C, basement flooding, stove shorting out causing flames and a house full of noisy excitable kids running about betwixt many antiques and museum quality works of art. He and his son were chasing them around pillowfighting and laughing all the while making anxious calls to contractors on a Sunday morning and running around trying to minimize damage to his 200 y/o mansion.... I couldn't believe it! It was like if we can survive shit THIS THICK then we can laugh and play through anything! I was more nervous than he as I couldn't keep the kids from getting too wound up. I was so afraid they would break something. And he just kept laughing at me at how upset I was getting!... would rile the kids up even more! LOL

There are so many personal troubles that bring me and my kids sadness and he has his share that are not connected to us as well... And despite all of that we grew closer and closer and always laughed and smiled. And it wasn't easy.. My kids were a bit put off (my oldest anyway -s he was the only one who knew that we were dating, the others only knew that he was my friend) by the fact that he was so much older than me. We had the pressures of what everyone would say about us - attractive younger woman with much older wealthy man. My ex raking me and my kids over the coals for so long and he with some serious personal problems of his own, amongst them the slow and awful demise of his late wife....

So much against us and despite it all we grew closer not only as a man and woman but as a family...

Then BANG! He freaks over the fact that I returned my birthday gift! Especially after we had spoken about it the night before and he was cool with it. Not happy about it, but certainly not hurt enough to break things off.

One thing he promised me from the beginning. For weeks he told me how much he wanted a long term relationship - love - marriage etc as I sat there with my mouth wide open, unable to speak. Finally he said, "I know what you are most afraid of. You are afraid that if things dont work out between us (which I dont see how they wont) that your children would be hurt. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU." And still I didnt let him meet my kids for several weeks more at his constant asking.

This is the one thing that no matter what I will have a hard time getting over. (And he said many hurtful things in his email) We all say things that we may mean at the time during the course of a relationship but as we get there from here we realize that it wasn't what we thought. But a 60 something y/o man who has grown children and grandchildren, married/divorced and widower should know better than to make such a strong promise to a woman like me (especially ME) unless he was 100% sure he could keep it.

 

[Puddles]

Some people are hard to figure out. My husband is one of them but over time I've learned how to handle him. We rarely argue about anything. Maybe we have 2 dissagreements a year and they're usually over in a couple of hours and not bad. But, just a couple of months ago he flipped out twice in one week where we hardly spoke a word unless it was business related. I even slept in the guest bedroom one night, first time I ever got up and slept in another room. It took him three days to calm the fuck down. Like you, I am very sensitive and raising the voice scares me, he knows this, but when he flips, he forgets. I know he doesn't mean to piss me off, but his anger will take over and he's just not himself. Stress is the number one factor to his eppisodes.

Wanna know why we didn't talk for 3 days...because I brought 2 kittens home without consulting him first, and although I kept them on the patio and told my daughter they would likely have to go back to her friend, things just got insane! He said bringing home a kitten was a family decision and I had no right to do it without his permission. He was fucking mental! I had plans to get together with a g/f that night and told him I'd return the kittens the next day, he said they better be gone before he got home from work, I said that didn't fit into my plans and they'd stay out on the patio for the night, he said he wanted them out and hung up. Knowing that if I kept them it would only irritate him farther, I returned the kittens and then went out with my friend. When I came home, he was in bed, I walked by him into the bathroom, took a bath, then walked by him again without saying a word and slept in the guest bedroom. He came in the next morning to tell me to wake up and go to work, I told him I had scheduled the day off and HE had to go in to work. He slammed the door and I didn't hear from him all day. He came home that night and we talked and he appologized. He had time to think and cool off.

Long story short, give the man time to cool off, they can not speak rationally while they're still in angry mode. It may take hours, it may take days, but just let him chill. Know that the fault is not yours, it's just something he needs to deal with. He'll sort himself out. Our fight came down to him being mad at himself mostly...he'd just spent a lot of money on a pleasure trip and he was stressing over it, somehow it affected his mood dramatically and we had 2 big fights within a week. He later appologized and knowing him like I do, I forgave him. It was like a giant pms rage for him and I felt bad for him knowing how shitty I feel when I get in my moods.

Now, you...you can't hold a grudge against him for this. Yes, it's wrong for him to act like he did, but, if it's something infrequent, something out of the norm for him, just forgive and forget, move on and learn from it...learn what triggers his emotions and learn how to handle him. If this becomes a pattern in his behaviour though, then you need to get out.

 

[Werd]

Now, you...you can't hold a grudge against him for this. Yes, it's wrong for him to act like he did, but, if it's something infrequent, something out of the norm for him, just forgive and forget, move on and learn from it...learn what triggers his emotions and learn how to handle him. If this becomes a pattern in his behaviour though, then you need to get out.

Thank you so much Mrs P.... your input REALLY helped a lot.

It has been nearly a week since our last communication. And I have been through many emotions myself.

If his behavior is due to stress (because it very could be, we have BOTH been through unbelievable stress) we will surely talk eventually. But he lives and hour away so I wont just go and show up. Especially if he is still PMSing. I dont want any sort of either coldness or confrontation. I am hurt by this but I also know that I deserve a rational explanation and am more than willing to apologize out the wazoo if I did something to hurt him. However, based on his irrational emails - T'WERENT ME.

If his behavior is part of his makeup (though I dont know how he could have hidden this for so long considering how stressful our separate personal situations have been from the time we had gotten back together) for WHATEVER reason then you are right MRs P - I need to bail and am prepared to do it. If he is dealing w/something THAT BAD and not able to share it with me or even if he is, quite honestly I dont know if I can deal with it at this point in my life. My kids need me - bottom line. I can not nor frankly do I want to expend precious energy on someone else when my kids need me to be strong for them. Those little kids are going through hell. My guy has a good support system and if he is dealing with something serious then he has people to lean on. I just cant be there right now.

In addition I know this sounds selfish, but I NEED someone who can be and who IS there for me right now. I can and want to be supportive of a partner but if we cant be supportive of each other and only become added stress in each other's lives, then what is the point of continuing the relationship just now?

I just dont know how to go about talking with him so I stay silent...

 

[jenscats5]

Yeah, I wouldn't ask him "Are you done?" either as it may make him more defensive........

I don't profess to understand why they do what they do either.....my hubby has thrown some weirdo hissy fits himself. We were at a bar once, and 2 guys I knew when I was a kid came over to talk & he later threw a fit cuz he didn't want guys I had previously slept with coming up to me, blah blah blah..... He later apologized.....

Anyway, it almost seems to be their nature to flip out over trivial things. Logically it would have made sense for him to say "Honey, I have work to finish -- can I have some quiet time?" Done! You would have done that. But I don't think men think that way. They retreat into their "cave" & almost expect you to figure it out cuz they don't like to talk about it.....

I think it's fair for you to acknowledge to him that you are sensitive to raised voices......but IMO a slightly raised voice isn't the same as screaming. I don't think it was fair to return his gift to you either. And the only reason I say that is that while I know you don't care about material things, he'll associate the gift return with the argument later, which could lead to a viscious cycle of hurt feelings etc. Now him actually sending you an email saying "it's over, etc" was a pretty good overreaction on his part too..... jeez!

Maybe give him time to cool off........ and if you do decide to broach a convo with him try to word it like "When you raised your voice to me, I felt hurt beacuse....." like "When you do X, I feel Y, becuase of Z" It sometimes helps me to get it out like that cuz it doesn't put the other person on the defensive right away and helps them to understand where you come from....

Good luck to you! I hope it works out....

 

[Werd]

I did send him an email admitting that I may overreacted to him raising his voice to me and explaining the "whys" of it. He knows about all of the abuse I have suffered from the time I was very little... but he wasn't having it that day. Just sent another silly email. So I have let him be. That was early Tue AM - the day of my birthday.

Nearly one week has passed.

After a lot of discussion w/some friends (primarily male friends - they are equally at a loss LOL) and my family and reading all the input from the good peeps here at elite and putting my own thoughts into the mix I decided to try to call today. First time got the rollover (primary line was busy) and hung up. Second time I got the primary "not at home, leave a message" message but I didn't want to leave a message. He's got caller ID so he will know I called. I just didn't know what to say. He could have either been home and just not answering for me OR he could have very well not been home and someone else was leaving a message. He gets A LOT of calls every day.

Anyways - I sent a simple email from my cell saying "I tried to call 2 today, but didn't leave messages." told him when I would be free and simply said "Let me know if you are ready to talk."

Dont see what else I am supposed to do.

As I said, I have unbelievable personal drama courtesy my ex. We are talking regular police involvement with my kids being hauled off crying hysterically because they dont want to leave me. My ex is an unbelievably selfish bastard that cares for no one but himself. Nothing will change until we go to court. Now I began talking to a new attorney as my old one NEVER FILED THE NECESSARY PAPERS TO END THIS FUCKING SAGA and I am told that we have soooooooo been legally raked over the coals IT IS SCARY. Regardless, my kids are bearing the brunt and they are tired. They have flat out stood up to their father, the police in two townships AND the administration of two schools and said, "Daddy you are a liar. I want to live with my mommy. I WONT GO TO THIS SCHOOL." Now everyone is pointing the finger AT ME because....

Are you guys ready for this?

I CAN NO LONGER MAKE THE KIDS LISTEN AND "DO WHAT THEY ARE 'SUPPOSED' TO DO!"

Can u guys believe that shit? My kids are finished after 4 years of being "good kids" and doing what the papers say regardless of how fucked up the sitch is and how NO ONE is listening and EVEN LESS PEOPLE GIVE A FUCK TO TRY TO CHANGE THINGS... and there is something wrong with me?!.... because I am the mother and the kids are "supposed to" listen to me. YA THINK?! If that is the case then why the fuck wont these same people acknowledge that there is a reason why my kids are now seriously acting out and perhaps it is as simple as the words they are saying, "I love you daddy, but I dont believe you anymore. You are a liar and I want to live with my mommy. She has NEVER kept us from you and even gave us to you when we begged her not to. She did it to make you happy so that you would stop using us to hurt her. But you are CONSTANTLY trying to make her *disappear*!".... and not some half baked sinister plot on my part to fuck with "the happy stable loving environment he is supposedly providing. They have been with their father for most of the last year. How on earth could I "poison their minds" with ANYTHING? Shit, I dont even have enough money for a fucking TV! WHAT THE HELL COULD I BE BRIBING THEM WITH?!

*Perhaps it is because when they are with me, I treat them like they matter?!*

Nnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyways.... this is what I have been holding back from the boards. This has been our reality for over one year. The stress is enough to make anyone mad. Both for me AND my kids....

If my man and I resolve this thing somewhere down the line - GREAT. If not then oh well. All I care about is my kids...

Thanks to all for letting me vent and for all the helpful advice.

I mean that sincerely.

I'll let you all know how everything works out.

 

[jenscats5]

Yeah, your ex is seriously F'd up, but you don't need me to tell you that. What an ass!

Your poor kids -- with all the BS, no wonder they are acting out. Gawd, they are only kids! How can they be expected to deal? I mean seriously?

I seriously think the *system* is screwed up -- but you know that already! Ugh!

 

[Carmen]

werd, i was hoping you and your guy had patched things up. like the others said, don't ask if his fit is over.
i'm pretty easy going. probably too much. my husband has said things to me that i'm sure others would have found horrible (probably we all have), BUT... i also know his good side, and i can usually figure out what's behind the reason he has said it- he's stressed or insecure or not feeling good about himself, etc.
There's no point in me making a bigger deal about it once its over. i usually just want to forget it and go back to life before whatever the incident was.
once things have calmed down, i guess i have to decide if its something major enough to stand my ground about being treated a certain way, or if its something i'd rather just forget so i can be happy again (like obviously, anything physical would be the end of everything, and on the other end of the spectrum, if he snapped at me, i'd rather just let him cool off and forget it once its over).

i know you've said he's successful- maybe his patience had just run out- like all of ours do and he wanted to be able to snap at the woman he loves- that is who we take things out on a lot of times because we know we can.

maybe just send an email saying "i miss you".
thats not begging- its the truth. and maybe in the future you'll know when he needs space, and maybe he'll know that whatever he did pushes a very negative button.
anyway, good luck.