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I ran across this and immediately thought of EF (dunno why)....But it makes a helluva lot of sense......doesn't it, well, maybe it's just me.
But I can still think of some that have been missed, like "Cream of Wheat" for instance....get it, "instance" because you can get it in "instant" form and the
"Cream of Wheat" inference......I need to shut up now and go back to POW, it's been a long week.
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Having consumed nearly 13,000 boxes of sugared breakfast cereal in my lifetime, it recently occurred to me that many of our favorite cereal mascots are probably a little "light in the loops." Am I the only one who sees this?
Snap, Crackle and Pop
In decades past, the cereal companies tried desperately to attach a wholesome image to these three, but come on. These guys are gayer than a tangerine. Has there ever been even a hint of a woman's presence in their chummy little "boys club"? I think not. Deep down we always knew these three were puffing each others' kernels, which makes you wonder about the white sticky stuff in a Rice Krispie Treat.
These days, they've been given an image makeover, with a sharper look, hipper dialogue, and hot urban background music. "Straight roles for the queer bowls." What has this made them? Breakfosexuals, that's what.
Tony the Tiger
Classic closet case. That big deep growl, the macho posturing, the sports obsessions – matched with that darling little neckerchief. Oh sure, he may be a pitcher, but he's playing for the other team all the same. Most of us know Tony by his public catchphrase, "They're Gr-r-reat!" Less well-known are his private catchphrases such as, "I love R-r-receiving Or-r-al!" and "R-r-rimjobs are ter-r-rific!"
Lucky the Leprechaun
Curly-toed shoes, check.
Effeminate little hat, check.
Completely colour coordinated right down to his "moons and stars," check.
Gee. Can't imagine why I have any suspicions about him.
The Trix Rabbit
Not necessarily gay; I admit the jury's still out on this one. To be honest, I don't think that poor bastard rabbit is getting any from either sex. Which goes a long way to explaining why he's so damn twitchy all the time! That and the meth addiction.
And those sadist kids who won't even give him a bowl of cereal while he's jonesing? Bunch of little Trixteases, that's what they are.
Sugar Bear
SUGAR. BEAR. How much more out can you get? The big round torso, the full body fur, the deep "come to daddy" voice? Put him in a leather vest instead of those idiot Bing Crosby sweaters and he's ready to judge amateur night at the "Taste of Grease" festival.
Those big warm eyes are dreamy, though. Not, ah, not that I care about that sort of thing.
Captain Crunch
No, I must be mistaken about this fine upstanding gentleman. After all, there's certainly never been any history of homosexuality IN THE NAVY!
And I don't know what his "crunchberrys" are supposed to be, but I am not putting them in my mouth.
The Corn Flakes Rooster
It's a big cock. A BIG COCK! IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION HERE!!
Mueslix
Maybe I'm stretching here, since this fiercely effeminate bicycle-short-wearing European import doesn't even have a mascot. But c'mon: flakes, nuts, and fruits? 'Nuff said.
The Alpha Bits Wizard
Again, not necessarily gay. But answer this: why does the Alpha Bits Wizard keep appearing in children's bedrooms instead of their kitchens? They eat cereal in the kitchen, so why is this robed pervert appearing over their beds waving his "magic" wand?
"Look Cindy, Billy, your cereal makes words! What does it say?"
"F-U-N!"
"C-A-N-D-Y!"
"Uhhh ... L-O-T-I-O-N?"
Count Chocula and Frankenbery
It's nice to see a healthy alternative-lifestyle couple in the cereal aisle every week. While theirs may be a May-December romance (The Count is over 300 years old, while Frankie's parts have only been animated since the 70's), at least they have a shared love of coloured marshmallows that dissolve into tooth-rotting syrup when exposed to milk.
You may notice that you never see TV commercial for these two anymore. This may be because focus groups finally determined that the Count's voice was, in fact, the second gayest sound on earth (the first, of course, is "Richard Simmons, Sweating to the Colonoscopy").
Toucan Sam
Bitch, please.
Though truthfully, Fruit Loops don't even need a mascot to broadcast their sexual preferences. They're just out and proud, a great big rainbow of firm luscious rings, so round, so sweet, so tempting as you bring them closer and closer to your eager hungry mouth that's been waiting so very very long…
Ummm ... personally, I prefer a nice bagel.
But I can still think of some that have been missed, like "Cream of Wheat" for instance....get it, "instance" because you can get it in "instant" form and the
"Cream of Wheat" inference......I need to shut up now and go back to POW, it's been a long week..
.
.
.
Having consumed nearly 13,000 boxes of sugared breakfast cereal in my lifetime, it recently occurred to me that many of our favorite cereal mascots are probably a little "light in the loops." Am I the only one who sees this?
Snap, Crackle and Pop
In decades past, the cereal companies tried desperately to attach a wholesome image to these three, but come on. These guys are gayer than a tangerine. Has there ever been even a hint of a woman's presence in their chummy little "boys club"? I think not. Deep down we always knew these three were puffing each others' kernels, which makes you wonder about the white sticky stuff in a Rice Krispie Treat.
These days, they've been given an image makeover, with a sharper look, hipper dialogue, and hot urban background music. "Straight roles for the queer bowls." What has this made them? Breakfosexuals, that's what.
Tony the Tiger
Classic closet case. That big deep growl, the macho posturing, the sports obsessions – matched with that darling little neckerchief. Oh sure, he may be a pitcher, but he's playing for the other team all the same. Most of us know Tony by his public catchphrase, "They're Gr-r-reat!" Less well-known are his private catchphrases such as, "I love R-r-receiving Or-r-al!" and "R-r-rimjobs are ter-r-rific!"
Lucky the Leprechaun
Curly-toed shoes, check.
Effeminate little hat, check.
Completely colour coordinated right down to his "moons and stars," check.
Gee. Can't imagine why I have any suspicions about him.
The Trix Rabbit
Not necessarily gay; I admit the jury's still out on this one. To be honest, I don't think that poor bastard rabbit is getting any from either sex. Which goes a long way to explaining why he's so damn twitchy all the time! That and the meth addiction.
And those sadist kids who won't even give him a bowl of cereal while he's jonesing? Bunch of little Trixteases, that's what they are.
Sugar Bear
SUGAR. BEAR. How much more out can you get? The big round torso, the full body fur, the deep "come to daddy" voice? Put him in a leather vest instead of those idiot Bing Crosby sweaters and he's ready to judge amateur night at the "Taste of Grease" festival.
Those big warm eyes are dreamy, though. Not, ah, not that I care about that sort of thing.
Captain Crunch
No, I must be mistaken about this fine upstanding gentleman. After all, there's certainly never been any history of homosexuality IN THE NAVY!
And I don't know what his "crunchberrys" are supposed to be, but I am not putting them in my mouth.
The Corn Flakes Rooster
It's a big cock. A BIG COCK! IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION HERE!!
Mueslix
Maybe I'm stretching here, since this fiercely effeminate bicycle-short-wearing European import doesn't even have a mascot. But c'mon: flakes, nuts, and fruits? 'Nuff said.
The Alpha Bits Wizard
Again, not necessarily gay. But answer this: why does the Alpha Bits Wizard keep appearing in children's bedrooms instead of their kitchens? They eat cereal in the kitchen, so why is this robed pervert appearing over their beds waving his "magic" wand?
"Look Cindy, Billy, your cereal makes words! What does it say?"
"F-U-N!"
"C-A-N-D-Y!"
"Uhhh ... L-O-T-I-O-N?"
Count Chocula and Frankenbery
It's nice to see a healthy alternative-lifestyle couple in the cereal aisle every week. While theirs may be a May-December romance (The Count is over 300 years old, while Frankie's parts have only been animated since the 70's), at least they have a shared love of coloured marshmallows that dissolve into tooth-rotting syrup when exposed to milk.
You may notice that you never see TV commercial for these two anymore. This may be because focus groups finally determined that the Count's voice was, in fact, the second gayest sound on earth (the first, of course, is "Richard Simmons, Sweating to the Colonoscopy").
Toucan Sam
Bitch, please.
Though truthfully, Fruit Loops don't even need a mascot to broadcast their sexual preferences. They're just out and proud, a great big rainbow of firm luscious rings, so round, so sweet, so tempting as you bring them closer and closer to your eager hungry mouth that's been waiting so very very long…
Ummm ... personally, I prefer a nice bagel.
