Without getting into too much detail the holidays would always bring a sense of exctiement and preparation in my household. We were poor, but we did have everything that we needed. We didn't get a lot of gifts but we did get a new outfit or two and always at least one toy. But this has NOTHING to do with the sadness. Every year my we would all get the house ready, cooking and cleaning, write out and send Christmas cards and the like. Every year I thought, this year will be different, this year there will be no drinking, no fighting and name-caling, no tears, and no hurt.....and EVERY YEAR was sadly, the same.

To this day, I can not get through a single Christmas carol without feeling the pain and the hurt I felt EVERY year as I grew up.

The good news is, that when MY children see me crying during Christmas time THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY I shed the tears. So, if nothing else, I have succeeded in breaking the cycle. Christmas for them is a happy time. They do not have to fear that there daddy is NOT coming back after drinking and fighting with there mommy.

When they ask me why I am crying (it's brief and only lasts for the duration of the carol - Silent Night is especially difficult. That is the carol that would be played in my church as they lit the tree at the end of the Christmas Eve service. While we, as children, would stand by the tree in the church my mother would be home crying about how miserable her life was. I know that it was a choice SHE MADE and that she was trapped in a hell of her own creation, but I can't help but feel sorry for her. I mean, she was my mother and despite all of her mistakes, she did do the best she could with the tools she had.) I only answer that when they are older I will explain it to them.

With the exception of this remnant of childhood pain, my holiday is indeed, happy. Perhaps one day this sadness will leave me, but if it doesn't that's OK, too.

I see it as a time to escape from my stressed out world of non-stop work; see family and relax. As long as everyone throws food at me every few hours, I remain content, with or without alcohol. I never stress about the food either or rescheduling a workout. I used to be really anal about what I ate during the holidays, but now, while I still stay with lots of meat, I eat some of everything else, but avoid pigging out on desserts (but I still try a little of each!). I'm usually too stuffed with whole foods to eat dessert at that point anyhow, and you know what, it doesn't make a f***ing bit of difference if I push the workouts back a couple of days and eat what everyone feeds me. Maybe its old age that is mellowing me. Kinda of like the 21 yr old scotch I got as a gift that I'm sipping on now, mellow

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