Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was as drunk as a louse.

Grandma and Grandpa were singin' a song,
And the kid was in bed, floggin' his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse,
And I out of jail,
We had just settled down for a good piece of tail.

When out on the lawn,
Arose such a clatter,
I sprang off Ma to see what the f**k was a matter.

Away to the window,
I made a mad dash,
Flew open the shutters and fell on my ass.

But what to my bloodshot eyes but appear,
A rusty old sled and a dozen rein deer,
And a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew right away it was that bastard St. Nick.

(Santa)"On dasher, on Blitzen, up over those walls,
"Quickly now, damnit, or I'll cut off your balls."

Upon the roof,
He fondered and fell,
And came right down the chimney like a bat out of hell.

He staggered and stumbled on over to the door,
Tripped over his cock,
And fell on the floor.