Boxing..........Boxing Oranges.

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

What do you call a bunch of Asians in a jacuzzi?

A Cup a Noodles.

Why dosen't Mexico have anybody in the Olympics?

Because everybody that can run, jump, or skip, is already over the border!

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?" he asks.

One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

Special Bill goes walking into a bar and notices a big alligator sitting in the corner. He walks up to the bartender and asks "What's that for?" The bartender says "you wanna see a neat trick, watch this". So the bartender walks over to the alligator tells him to open his mouth, then the bartender proceeds to stick his cock in the alligator's mouth for 30 straight minutes. "Wow, that's amazing" says SPecial Bill. The bartender pulls his cock out of the alligator's mouth and says to Special Bill "Pretty impressive, Eh?...Wnat to give it a try?" "Im not sure" says Special Bill, "I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak.

8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.

10. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

12. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what
they shoot.

18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose
your house.

21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with
everyone
at the party except you.

23. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called "a
waist"?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

28. Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.

Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"

Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

why do men pass gas more than women?
because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.

what is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
a tick falls off of you when you die.

what's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

what do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
skeet

what are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
it's Braille for "suck here"

what part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
the top of her head.

why does a penis have a hole in the end of it?
so men can be open-minded.

------------------
Big-Al
Train hard or go home!

After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon, she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful.

On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As she daintily replies "No thank you," she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a brilliant idea.

"Do you work at the radio station?" she asks.

"I own it. I'm the DJ and I'm the boss!!" he falsely replies.

"Wow," she innocently squeaks, "would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??"

He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that would be out of the question.

Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, "Oh please, please, I'll do anything!"

"Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in," he smiles ryely, and invites her to get in.

About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, "Come on then, come on!!"

She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, "I can't, I can't."

Getting more and more angry he persuades her, "Come on, come on, come on!!!"

After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly shouts..........

"Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!"

A couple of years ago, I picked up a trick while out dancing. We went back to my place where we proceeded to do all sorts of drugs, most importantly for purposes of this story, GHB. Once the "G" kicked in, we dove into having the wildest, no holds barred, hottest monkey sex this side of Bangkok.

And then it happened ...

I passed out from the G.

I woke up a couple of hours later, the trick gone, and I had no pubic hair.

To this day, I don't know if the trick shaved me or if we did it together (although I don't find that to be particularly sexual so I doubt it) before I passed out.

Now, when a trick shaves my pubes, I'm fully awake and alert and cognizant of my surroundings. ONLY KIDDING!

GO GIANTS. LET'S GO GIANTS. I WON'T SAY ANYTHING IF YOU JUMP ON THE GIANT'S BANDWAGON

A month later he went back to using paper.

Why didn't the U.S. Postal Service put Louis Farrakhan on a stamp?

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"