If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"

It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.

When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.

At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.

Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart liberal.

If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England,
make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.

It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.

An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."

Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."

At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.

When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.

Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.