For women:
Applying lip gloss
Basting the tuna
Brushing the beaver
Burying the knuckle
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Checking the foxhole
Checking the status of the I/O port
Circling the knoll
Cleaning my fur coat
Cleaning your fingers
Creamin' the pie
Digging for my keys
Digitating
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba
Drinking from the fountain of youth (for us contortionists)
Drooling
Dusting the endtable
Entering the ring of fire
Fare un ditolino (Italian: to do a little finger)
Finger blasting
Finger fuck
Finger pie
Flicking the bean
Flossing the cat
Frigging
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Going Mining
Gusset typing
Hula-hooping
Itching the ditch
JocelynEldering
Killing off
Licking my lips (for us contortionists)
Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making soup
Nulling the void
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the red sea
Petting Snoopy
Playing solitare
Playing The Silent Trombone
Playing the beaver
Pokin' the pucker
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Pussy poking
Riding the waterslide
Rolling the dough
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scratching the patch
Secret vice
Shooting hoops
Shooting the rapids
Slapping the Mackerel
Snatching
Soaking in Palmolive
Spelunking
Stiffening my upper lip
Stirring it up
Stoking the furnace
Strumming the banjo
Surfin' the channel
Taking a dip
The two fingered tango
Tickling the taco
Toggling the bit
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Whipping your nest
Working in the garden

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for Men:
A big date with Rosy Palms
Adjusting your set
Applying the hand brake
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Auditioning the finger puppets
Auditioning your hand puppet
Backstroke roulette
Bashing the Bishop
Bashing the candle
Beating off
Beating the balogna
Beating the bed flute
Beating the Bishop
Beating the dummy
Beating the old man
Beating the pud
Beating the stick
Beating your meat
Beef-stroke-it-off
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being your own best friend
Biffing off
Bleed the weed
Blowing the load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Bobbing your boloney
Bopping Richard
Bopping the bishop
Bopping the bolgney
Bopping the Bonzo
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the clown
Boxing the jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing with Richard
Buffin' the bishop
Buffing the banana
Buffing the rifle
Buggering your hand
Burping the baby
Burping the worm
Buttering the corn
Caning the vandal
Capturing the bishop
Charming the snake
Checking for testicular cancer
Cheesing off
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the chicken
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Churning your butter
Clamping the pipe
Cleaning your rifle
Clearing the snorkel
Climbin the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Closet Frisbee
Clubbing the clam
Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
Coming into your own
Coming to grips with yourself
Cooking the cream of cock
Corralling the tadpoles
Couch hockey for one
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the monkey
Cranking the shank
Crimping the wire
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Decongesting the weasel
Defrosting the fridge
Diddling
Digging for change
Digitally oscillating one's penis
Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
Doing a hand job
Doing battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
Doing handiwork
Doing It Your Way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing your own thing
Downing at the club (for members only)
Draining the monster
Draining the poisons from the building
Driving the skin bus
Dry humping the ottoman
Dundering the devil-dolphin
Electing the president
Engaging in safe sex
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of its denim cell
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the ducks
Firing the flesh musket
Firing the Surgeon General
Fishing for zipper trout
Fist fucking
Fisting your mister
Five-finger solo
Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
Five on one
Flick on over the thumb
Flapping Takkie (South African)
Flaying the Emperor
Flicking the bic
Flipping the Bishop
Flogging the bishop
Flogging the dog
Flogging the dolphin
Flogging the dong
Flogging the frog
Flogging the hog
Flogging the log
Flogging the mule
Flogging the salami
Flogging your dumber brother
Flute solo
Fly fishing
Fondling the fig
Freeing Willy
Friggit
Frosting the pastries
Galloping the antelope
Galloping the old lizard
Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting a grip on things
Getting a stiffy
Getting chafed
Getting off
Getting the German soldier marching
Getting the glue stick
Getting to know yourself
Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
Getting your palm red
Getting your pole varnished
Giving it a tug
Giving yourself a low five
Glazing the donut
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Going a couple of rounds with ol' josh
Going blind
Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going the blow
Grappling the gorilla
Greasing the pipe
Gripping the pencil
Hacking the hog
Han Solo
Hand job
Hand Shandy
Handy work
Hanging the old man
Hard labor
Having a ball
Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
Having a date with Fisty Palmer
Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Having a ham shank
Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a Sherman (British)
Having a tug
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Having dinner
Having it off
Having sex with someone you love
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitchhiking underneath the big top
Holding my own
Holding the sausage hostage
Honing the cone
Hugging the hog
Humping the hose
Ironing some wrinkles
Jack hammering
Jacking off
Jazzing yourself
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerking Jamby
Jerking off
Jerking the turkey
Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
Jizzlobbing
Juggling the coullions
Just jerkin' it
Kicking seamen
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
Killing it
Kneading my knockwurst.
Knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Knuckling the bone
La veuve poignet (French)
Launching the hand shuttle
Looking for ticks
Loping the mule
Loves labors lost
Loving the muppet
Lubing the Tube
Making a foreskin cone
Making friends with Big Ed
Making instant pudding
Making the bald man puke
Making the scene with the magazine
Making vanilla jism shakes
Making yourself at home
Mangling the midget
Manipulating the mango
Manning the cockpit
Manual labor
Manual override
Master bacon
Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Milking one's self
Milking the bull
Milking the cow
Milking the lizard
Milking the moose
Milking the weasel
Minding my own business
Molesting the mole
Mounting a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
My sex life!
Nerking your throbber
Oiling the glove
Onan's Olympics
Onanism
One gun salute
One man show
One off the wrist
Packing your palm
Paddling the pickle
Painting the ceiling
Painting the pickle
Painting the walls
Palming the calm
Peelin' some chiles
Peeling the banana
Peeling the carrot
Performing a self-test
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Phoning the czar
Pipping the pumpkin
Playing a little five-on-one
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing in a one-man show
Playing Peek-A-Boo With Mr. Johnson
Playing peekaboo
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the flesh flute
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the skin flute
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing Uno
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
Pleasing your pisser
Plunking your twanger
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Pole vaulting
Polishing Percy in your palm
Polishing the beak
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the sword
Popping a nut
Popping the cork
Pounding off
Pounding the bald-headed moose
Pounding the pud
Pounding your flounder
Preparing the carrot
Priming the pump
Pud wrestling
Pulling off
Pulling rank
Pulling the bologna pony
Pulling the carrot
Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
Pulling the cord
Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
Pulling the goalie
Pulling the handbrake
Pulling the pole
Pulling the Pope
Pulling the weed
Pulling the wire
Pulling your goalie
Pulling your own leg
Pulling your prick
Pulling your pud
Pulling your taffy
Pummeling the priest
Pumping cream
Pumping the electric goo gun
Pumping the gas at the self-service island
Pumping the python
Pumping the stump
Punchin' the munchkin
Punching the clown
Punching the munchin
Punishing Percy in the palm
Punishing the Pope
Qualifying in the testicular time trial
Raising the mainsail
Ramming the ham
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Reading poetry
Relieving tension
Riding the great white knuckler
Rolling your own
Romancing the bone
Romeo and Himself
Roping the pony
Roping the Pope
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing off
Rubbing one out
Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
Rubbing the pink eraser
Rubbing the rod
Running off a batch by hand
Running the cheeta
Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
Safest sex
Sanding wood
Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
Schnauzer Shuffleboard
Scouring the tower of power
Scraping your horn
Scratchin the itch
Se branler (French)
Se crosser (French)
Se faire les cinq doigts de la main (French)
Se passer un poignet (French)
Secret handshake
Self abuse
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Self-inflicted intercourse
Sex with someone you really love
Shagging
Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Shaking Hands with Mr. President
Shaking hands with the general
Shaking hands with the midget
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Shaking hands with the wife's best friend
Shaking hands with your John Thomas
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
Shaking the bottle
Shaking the dice
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shaking the sauce
Shaking the sausage
Shaking the snake
Shanking
Shellacking the shellaleigh
Shemping the hog
Shifting gears
Shining the helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining your pole
Shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
Shooting flies
Shooting for the moon
Shooting putty at the moon
Shooting tadpoles at the moon (from the movie "Totally Fucked up)
Shooting your wad
Shuck The Corn
Shucking your corn
Slaking the bacon
Slamming the ham
Slamming the hammer
Slamming the salami
Slamming the salmon
Slamming the spam
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
Slapping it
Slapping pappy
Slapping the carrot
Slapping the clown
Slapping the donkey
Slapping the FleshGopher
Slapping the pud
Slapping the salami
Slinging the jelly
Smacking the oompa loompa
Smacking the salami
Smacking the weasel
Smacking-off
Snapping one off
Snapping the carrot
Snapping the monkey
Snapping the rubber
Snapping the whip
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Solo sex
Spanking Cheetah
Spanking Elvis
Spanking Frank
Spanking the bishop
Spanking the monkey
Spanking the salami
Spanking the wank
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Spunking
Squeezing the cheese
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Squeezing the juice
Squeezing the lemon
Squeezing the weasel
Squeezing your cheese-dog
Stinky pinky
Stirring the batter
Stirring the yogurt
Strainin' the main vein
Strangling the Serpent
Striking the pink match
Stroking it
Stroking off
Stroking the dog
Stroking the lizard
Stroking the mole
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Stroking the satin-headed serpent
Stroking the squirmin' German
Stroking the wiener
Stroking your poker
Stroking your twinkie
Taking a nap
Taking a shake break
Taking Herman to the circus
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking ol' one eye through the fly
Taking part in population control
Taking some time off
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
Talking quietly to yourself
Taming the shrew
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Teasing the weasel
Teasing the weenie
Tenderizing the meat
Tenderizing the tube steak
Testicular tensile strength test
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
That crazy hand jive
The art of Unisex
The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
The five knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
The serta solo
Thrapping
Throwing
Throwing one
Thumping the pump
Ticklewigglejigglepickle
Tickling my fancy
Tickling the ivory
Tickling the one-eyed weasel
Tickling the pickle
Tonking
Torkin' the fork
Torturing the tentacle
Tossing off
Tossing the salad
Tossing the snag
Tossing the turkey
Tossing yogurt
Treating yourself right
Trouser snake CPR
Tugging the slug
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tuning my horn
Turning Japanese
Twanging the wire
Tweaking your twinkie
Twisting your crank
Twisting your tool
Unloadinging the gun
Using the Force on Darth Vader
Varnishing the flagpole
Violating the hedge-hog
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Wacking off
Wacking the one-eyed worm
Wacking the weasel
Wacking the willie
Waking the dead
Waking Wee Willie Wonka
Walking the dog
Walking the plank
Walking the snake
Waltzing with Willy
Wanking
Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Washing the meat
Waving the Magic Wand
Waxing the car
Waxing the carrot
Waxing the dolphin
Waxing your surfboard
Whackin the weasel
Whacking it
Whacking off
Whacking Willy
Whipping off
Whipping the bishop
Whipping the dummy
Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
Whipping the rat
Whipping the stiff
Whipping the wire
Whipping up some sour cream
Whipping willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
Whipping your dripper
White-water wristing
Whittling the stick
Whizzing jism
Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
Wonking your conker
Wonking your donk
Workin' out a stiff joint
Working off
Working off a batch
Wrestling the eel
Wrestling the one-eyed monster
Wrestling the purple headed warrior
Wrestling with the bald champ
Wringing out your rope
Wrist aerobics
Yanking off
Yanking the crank
Yanking the yoyo
Yanking your plank