One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he
did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

" 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most
of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her
face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except he's not as smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he
was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and
gettin all out of breath.
His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About
this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end
of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever,
because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there,
about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared --her eyes got
big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God
and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I
should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All
of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put
up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between them. After a while
they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure
enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and
some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little
tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started
hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they
have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel.

I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and
flush it down the toilet.

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to
bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke
and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls
had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard
that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get
shots after making love with Mabel, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since
the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam
told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back
down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at
which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only
girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I
just caught. When Mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home,
and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go
to bed, they'll have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad
goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie
with Mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
FROG!!"

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

I've got to send that one to my girlfriends!

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to
keep your mouth shut.

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and
runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and
asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be
Cheerios."

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

------------------
SEEK OUT KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING, MY THOUGHTS ARE UNIVERSES....

You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeupwhile on the freeway.

You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up on yellow.

You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.

You rear end someone at a stop light and then jump out screaming, "Whiplash!!!"

You use your knees for steering more than your hands.

The police department knows your plate number by heart.

JOKE OF THE DAY: You Might Be A Bad Driver If...(3)

You stop on an on ramp and wait for "enough room".

You have ever hit the car in front of you while YOU were trying to BACK UP.

You swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener.

All anyone can see when you drive is your knuckles.

Your turn sign signal is always blinking in the direction opposite to the one you're turning.

You drive 90 MPH in bumper to bumper traffic and always pass on the right.

JOKE OF THE DAY: Bartender

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir, that'll be 4 cents," he replies.

"FOUR cents!!!!" exclaimed the guy.

"Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replied,

"Upstairs with my wife." The guy said,

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

------------------
"Pain, is just weakness leaving your body"

"...damn you for not giving my TEST" - Metallica

"After this show i'll be fat and happy again.....If i make it to the show...." - Lee Priest

"Lets put some weight on the bar.." - Shawn Ray

------------------
SEEK OUT KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING, MY THOUGHTS ARE UNIVERSES....

Peace!

What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half of a cat.
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she�s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don�t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You�re next."

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.
I can�t do that because I�m an asthmatic,� says the man. �The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack.�
So the cop suggests a urine sample.
�Can�t do it,� says the man. �I�m a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it.�
�Well,� says the angry cop, �why don�t you just get out o fthe car and walk this white line?�
�Sorry,� says the man, �but I can�t do that either.�
�Why not?� asks the officer.
�Because I�m drunk.�
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off?"
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.
He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You�re not going to�to�cut it off, are you?"
The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope�you are. I�m just going to set the garage on fire."
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, �So, what did you bring?�
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the �Grandma Moses of Jail�. Then he asked the first, �What did you bring?�
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, �I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.�
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, �Why are you so smug? What did you bring?�
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, �I brought these.�
The other two were puzzled and asked, �What on earth can you do with those?�
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, �Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating��