If you're not familiar with my story, see my thread: http://www.elitefitness.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/005444.html

In a nutshell, my wife cheated on me with one of my best friends, might be pregnant with his baby (we find out Thurs) and is not working too hard on reconciling with me, even though I feel like I've gone out of my way with understanding and forgiveness. We already have an 18 mo. old girl (that I love beyond belief � I AM MY KID'S DAD!)

Last Wednesday my wife and I had planned to have a date night together -- we got a sitter for the child and I was pumped because this would be the first night alone we had in three weeks. Maybe not a big deal under normal circumstances, but when we're trying to get back together it's very hard without alone time.

Anyway, after we dropped the little one off, my wife indicated she was tired and would rather go home. I was a little hurt and told her that I thought it was important that we use this (rare) time together to discover what it was about each other that we liked in the first place. This blossomed into a discussion that led to her saying she wasn't sure whether she believed we could make it together, that she couldn't give priority to our marriage right now, that she felt overwhelmed by my needs, that she wanted a man that could anticipate her every need without being asked and that she thought her friends knew her better than I did. Of course this was all very hurtful, I've shown her a lot of forgiveness and I really need her to be there for me.

To add to my misery, she made a comment about the baby that she is pregnant with that made me understand that she really has no qualms about bringing another man's baby into the world, even in the confines of our marriage. Something inside of me broke and I think that was the exact instant that I started to lose respect and love for her.

I told her "well, since you won't talk to me, I guess I'll just go inside my head, push all of it down and pretend everything is ok." Her response: ok.

Later that night we went to dinner and she held my hand like nothing had happened. I'm finding the only way I can deal with her is to shut down some of the newfound emotions that have come to me -- to feel less. I told her that maybe I should just become iron man -- maybe I should just choose to be empty and feel nothing. Her response: ok. I started to understand that she really doesn't care about me.

It came to me that in these past months when I think she's been making efforts at rebuilding what she has really been doing is acting like how she feels -- not actively making an effort to make things better. What I mean is that if she feels a need to cuddle or be intimate, she acts on that need -- it just so happens that her needs might intersect with mine at the same time. Quite a realization.

Well Thursday came around, I went to work and when I got back that night I could see she was dead tired. She had dinner ready so I ate with her and then volunteered to take the baby out for awhile, mostly because I wanted to spend time with the baby, but a little bit so that my wife could rest.

I took Mya (my daughter) out to the park and for a long drive afterwards. I brought her home and put her to bed so that Jen (my wife) didn't have to do anything. After this, I headed in to see Jen. She was sitting on the bed, zeroed in on an episode of Friends.

I barely got a hello, no eye contact and when I sat next to her she didn't kiss me or make any physical contact. I felt neglected and ignored, like I wasn't even in the room with her. I told her I was just going to go to bed and asked if she could watch in the living room. She got up and I asked her if she wanted to spend a minute with me since we hadn't seen each other all day. She got a pissy look on her face and rolled her eyes, so I was like "fine, just go watch your TV." Her response: ok. She turned around and practically ran out of the room.

I tried to go to bed but I was raging, I knew that I was being treated like s@#t and that I had hit my limit.

I packed up my stuff and prepared to leave � she was like "why do you feel the need to leave?" Like she didn't have any idea. I told her that talking to her wasn't going to do any good and that I was just going to leave. She did ultimately drag me into talking (I want to reconcile so of course I caved). She started in with "Why do I get punished every time I want to be alone?" I was like, "oh, poor Jen � I treat you so bad!!" Understand that she has asked me what my needs are and I've been very specific, so she understands that I need affirmation in these times.

I told her that I understood that she was feeling overwhelmed, but that she had created the situation. I told her that complete strangers (you guys/gals and others from other message boards) were showing me more kindness by taking a moment to communicate with me than she was. I asked her if it had ever occurred to her that when I had finally shared my death thoughts with her, she didn't even tell me not to. My eyes have opened and I'm starting to understand that there IS more out there for than what I'm getting here. I told her that I deserved more, that I could do better and that I have a lot to offer. She went on to tell me that I didn't know myself, that's why I was on prozac and suffering depression � she couldn't even see that the depression I feel is caused by her affair and willingness to lose me and sacrifice our family together.

Anyway, I left and went to my parents. I stayed alone for a couple days and then went and picked Mya up yesterday (I have her till Wed. morning). I'm taking some time off work to try to get myself together and I am in a world of pain in facing that this might be over. I also realized that if this baby isn't mine, even if Jen and I love each other it won't matter. Sooner or later, Matt (the OM) will come back into our life for the rest of our days. I don't think I can take that. I'm willing to be a dad to the baby even if it's not mine because a baby deserves love, but I don't think I could stand that permanent bond to Matt.

I know you must feel so badly, for all that has happened.
I do believe you will find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved. If you stick around, ask yourself will it get better?
If the answer is no, it's time to move on. You deserve a life to be happy in.

When someone has an affair they try to be loyal to the one they are having the affair with. That means that the spouse that is being cheated on is cutoff. It can take the form of "whatever" in responses to appearing as though they have no feeling for you or that you are bothering them and putting all the burden on them.

It seems weird that they would want to be loyal to a person with whom they are cheating, but it is the new romance, the excitement and so forth that draws them in and keeps them going.

From reading your post, and her responses, it sounds like the affair has not ended. I don't want to be the one to be right, but your current situation is eerily similar to a situation I had several years ago.

I know what it is like to be told you don't love me anymore, or have your spouse defend someone with whom you are mad for putting the moves on your wife, etc.

I think you did the right thing because it sounds like she wants out but does not have the guts to leave. However, if does end make her be the one to file for the divorce. She may find that she doesn't want that. And maybe she'll change her mind. Who knows.

I hope things get better, you can email me whenever you want if you need to talk or icq me if I am on at night. Believe me I know exactly what you are going through.

P.S. don't lie to yourself, I know when your hurting you will mke up excuses and see things that are not really there, you had a glimpse of reality, be strong and stay there.

Fortunately, after a lot of hard work and difficult times, we are still together and happily married. It took my wife about three months or so to finally snap out of it (stop talking about leaving, not loving me etc.). That three months nearly killed me because I had to be the one holding us together while she was off in never never land and I was never really sure if she would come around or not.

It was very strange when she finally snapped out of it. We both look back at how she acted then and wonder who that person was. I can tell you that she has cried her eyes out many times since it happened telling me how sorry she is for what she did to me and our marriage.

Well that's it for what it's worth. I'm really not sure what I would have done if she had ended up pregnant with another man's child though. Best wishes to you and yours.

When she is with another man, he is putting himself insider her, and maybe just not in one place, and if he is wearing protection he is also leaving himself inside of her. Now that really bothers me. That and the thought of how someone else is making her orgasm, moan and breath heavy and so forth and so on. Those are the thoughts that race through my mind when it has happened to me.

So, in that respect it is hard for me to work on it, knowing that if I kiss her someone else was in there, or going down on her, knowing that someone else was there and left something. It just makes it really hard to get over it and even heal.

Your life begins today.

I am glad you had to courage to do what is best - continue the courage through your upcoming fight to get custody of the child.

if that other one is yours, make sure you get custody. If it's not, then it is not....

Sorry for sounding so blunt, but the time for candor is upon you.

More than anything else stay strong! Don't let this shit drag you down. Its just not worth it.

Matt's right - move on and don't look back. You can't salvage whats not thier.

quote:

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Originally posted by Pamela:
I am so sorry!

I know you must feel so badly, for all that has happened.
I do believe you will find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved. If you stick around, ask yourself will it get better?
If the answer is no, it's time to move on. You deserve a life to be happy in.

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Remember that once you weren't married, you once had no Jen in your life, once that guy was your best friend... it wasn't so bad was it? the more things change, the more they stay the same...

after you gave everyone so much care and attention did you simply forget about yourself?

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"BITCH! You can't do this to me!" Silvio

Listen to Shagwell and Matt, if you think you can get better out there, you CAN. And it sounds like YOU WILL!

To go through the situation is almost like going through with death, you just lose focus and nothing really matters anymore. And it hurts, Real Love Doesn't Go Away Easy. If it went away easy, it wasn't real.

Remember it is all about you, you, you right now, you tried with her and face it, she didn't want it. You can better believe that on down the road, she will be regretting it and looking foolish all the while. Just you wait and see.

I am not cold as a person, I have only my emotions to go on. I would like to point out to all on the board that the only real things that we can truly own is our feelings,
as such you must pay attention to them. It is the real you, not just some ego trip. I also feel that the only real asset we all have in life is the time we have on this planet. It is up to you to use that asset to the best of your ability. Who you marry, hang with, your friends and so on. Do you really feel that your time is well spent in this relationship? If not find out someone else who can relate and share the most precious gift that God gave you and make sure your going to spend it right with them.

I hope you can do both. If you can't set your priorties, take the time to make sure you have them set up right, failure is to painful to let this slide.