Buzzed fans no laughing matter
by Don Russell
Daily News Staff Writer

The fans' mind-altering chemical of choice at Eagles games this season is not reefer, but nitrous oxide.

That's right, laughing gas.

In yet another bizarre chapter in the city's storied history of fan misbehavior, thousands of green-and-white-clad Eagles fans now commonly prepare for gridiron battles by tanking up on large doses of the mild anesthesia.

It is a pregame ritual straight out of Timothy Leary's playbook.

In the parking lots surrounding Veterans Stadium, buzz-seeking fans - drawn by the hiss of escaping gas - line up at a dozen or more 41/2-foot-tall cannisters. Five bucks gets a full balloon that's a little larger than a basketball.

The balloons are everywhere. Brightly colored and tightly clutched, they bob up and down among cheerfully incoherent tailgaters. Occasionally, one explodes and a drunken cheer breaks out.

It looks and sounds like a freak show at a carnival.

"It's the real s---," one addled fan in a Donovan McNabb jersey told me after sucking down a mouthful of the gas from a red balloon. "Pure nitrous."

Nearby, two heavy-set guys wearing matching yellow Eagles beaks carried three blue balloons each. They looked like overgrown children.

A few, deep breaths, and they were stumbling like fools, lurching in the dust with the pathetic, blank look of utter numbness.

It is strange and it is sad.

And it is completely legal.

Snorting other solvents - acetate or cleanser, for example - is a misdemeanor in Pennsylvania. But according to the district attorney's office, the use or sale of nitrous oxide is unregulated.

It's available wholesale at compressed gas dealers, who also rent the steel tanks and regulators necessary to dispense the chemical. A full tank costs about $200, plus the deposit.

"I make about 400 bucks on a good day," said one parking-lot dealer who, at first, told me his name was "Joe." Then, "Tony." Then, "John Doe." Finally, he said, "Call me Mr. X."

"But I'm thinking of getting out of the business," he continued. "Grateful Dead concerts, Dave Matthews - they used to bring in the money.

"It just ain't the same since Jerry [Garcia] died."

Still, thousands of Eagles fans psych themselves for Sunday at the Vet by consuming large amounts of a chemical more commonly associated with dental surgery.

At five bucks a pop, a balloon is cheaper - and more potent - than a stadium beer.

Thus, the lots are a dizzy mass of stupefied men and women - almost all of them in green-and-white jerseys.

When photographer Jim MacMillan and I visited the scene on Sunday, we were greeted with drunken jeering by fans ashamed to have their photographs in the newspaper.

"I don't need my family to know I do this," a 25-year-old balloon inhaler said.

Another dispossessed lowlife was so out of it he dropped his pants for MacMillan's camera and exposed himself.

On 10th Street, an undercover cop had his hands full trying to nab ballooners.

"I know, they're legal," the cop told me, "but I hate seeing this stuff around kids."

He turned and yelled at three men in their 20s, "Drop those balloons. . .now!"

The trio sheepishly dropped them, and the balloons sputtered into the air.

The cop turned back to me and explained, "Basically, I just try to scare the s--- out of them."

Meanwhile, the dealers are brazen.

Before the Sunday night game against Atlanta a week and a half ago, I watched a stadium security guard try to halt sales at one lot by scaring off a dealer. He grabbed the tank and opened its regulator, emptying the gas into the air.

It worked for about 60 seconds - then three burly guys surrounded the guard and threatened to "kick your ass."

The scared guard sped off in his golf cart and the dealer was back in business.

Ten feet away, a uniformed police officer seemed more concerned about a group of fans setting off fireworks.

At Veterans Stadium's famous Eagles Court, Judge Seamus McCaffery said the most he can do is cite dealers for vending without a license.

"You have to be creative if you want to fine them," he said.

Mr. X, the dealer, said: "The cops hassle the T-shirt vendors more than us. The worst they can do is take your tank - then you're out some real money. . .

And I agree - while it may be stupid and kind of sad, if it isn't a crime, it isn't a crime.

Any time they heard a balloon hissing, they would all run over like, they had just found a fugitive on the 10 most wanted list, and you are now telling me that this was legal..

Just goes to show you where the cops priorities were.....