This format is weird for me to express what is going on in my life, but here goes.

I've been with my wife for 8 years, married for 2. For the last couple months we have been having relationship problems that very nearly ended in divorce. Admittedly, at that point we were already emotionally divorced. We started counseling independent of each other, I started reading self-help books, etc. and things really started to improve between us. In fact, we fell in love again. It was great -- especially since we have a baby on the way (our second, our first is 18 mos).

Then, about a month and a half ago, my wife admitted to having an "emotional affair" with one of my best friends of 20+ years. She said that she had talked with him extensively about her emotions, about me -- and eventually about her feelings for him. She told me that it was important that I know this had happened and that she had ended it two months prior. Of course I was devestated, but we did a lot of talking and I confronted my "friend" about it and eventually we were able to work through it. Understand, I love my wife and family more than life itself.

Just as we were about healthy again, I started getting nagging thoughts based on things she had said during conversation. About a month ago, I woke her up in the middle of the night (when the thoughts came to me) and asked her if she had ever told him that she loved him. She answered yes. Then I asked if she had ever kissed him. She said yes. And I knew. I asked her if she had ever slept with him. She answered yes. They had been together about six times. My world absolutely fell apart.

Well, to make a long story short, things were very touch and go for awhile -- my wife wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore, I was devestated by the betrayal and her willingness to sacrifice me and our family for her affair (she actually slept with him while I was at work and the baby was sleeping in her room -- arrgghhh!!!) Of course, I was also very disillusioned about her -- I trusted her (and my friend) completely and they both betrayed me. Eventually, after we spent a little time apart from eachother, she professed her undying love for me and I found it in my heart to forgive her and start the healing process of rebuilding trust and love in our relationship -- like I said before, I love her and my family more than anything. She admitted fault, told me how she had gotten to that point, told me her needs in a relationship and I told her mine. She also assured me that she knew that she had fucked up and that whatever they had together was nothing compared to what we had. She said that's why she ended it on her own. We basically fell in love again.

But now, about a month later, I'm starting to feel very unhappy in our relationship. I've told her that I need to feel important to her, that I need a little extra hand-holding to get me through this time, but she seems totally self-absorbed, like she is incapable of showing me the affection that I need. She said she needs me 50 percent of the time and doesn't need me the rest of the time. I am on Prozac now for about a month and I think of death often, more specifically, what it would be like to kill myself to end the pain. I cry often -- even in public places and I feel totally outside myself. The crying thing really throws me cause it's not a way that I'm used to expressing myself. Yes I'm seeing a therapist, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe my love of my life, my wife, isn't the person that I need in my life, that maybe I need somebody that can help me be happier. It's really sad because I love her so much, but this is so bad for me right now and she doesn't seem to be trying to be there for me, even when I am totally honest and communicate directly with her. I know I can't make her be who she isn't, that the only person I can change is myself. I just can't tell if what I'm perceiving as bad is really bad.

Oh, by the way, the baby that I thought I was father to could be my ex-friend's. A week after our anniversary (which I slept with her) she slept with my friend and let him cum in her.

So basically, I lost my wife, potentially my fatherhood, my safe place (my home), my friendship base (because they're all more friends with him than me), and a 20+ year old friend. I feel so alone all the time. Last night while I was breaking down in tears, my wife came in and was like "it'll take time to heal" and walked out instead of staying there and comforting me. I was breaking down and she called a friend on the phone to talk about Halloween stuff.

I know that you love this person more than anything in the whole world, but fact is sometimes we hurt the people we love the most. What she has done to you will take time to heal, and perhaps it never will. Pesonally, with my experience with cheaters, I can't forgive and forget, I can't move on, b/c I will never trust that person again. Is that how you feel?? If you know that you can never feel the way you did about her before this whole thing happened, then the best move for both of you is to end this.

By prolonging the pain, you're making it harder on her, the children (if they are old enough to understand by now, or one day they will if you're still there), and most of all yourself! You need time to let this heal, and being around her and seeing her face will only make it harder. Its like breaking up with someone and then seeing her and her new boyfriend every SINGLE DAY. You may want to take a trip, get away from all of this, but what it all comes down to is whether or not you will ever be able to trust her. I can't tell you to forgive her, its not my life, however, if you can work it out more power to you. It seems unlikely that you will from my point of view. Try getting away for now, you can think without her around.

Good luck and if you need to talk or you need me to ramble more, email me. Hang in there, things WILL get better

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Weights before dates

Bros before Hos

Blackhaus -- words of wisdom. It's not so much that I don't trust her. Actually, in forgiving her I started on the road to trusting her again -- I refuse to live my life with somebody I can't trust. The fact is (call me a sucker) I really believe that she has started to straighten herself out and is on the straight and narrow with me. I have put the affair mostly behind me and am focused on fixing the damage it's caused. The problem I'm having is that through this process, I've discoverd that hey, I actually have needs, and now I'm determining whether she can give me what I need in our relationship. However, the advice about a little more time to myself might be prudent.

H -- we are seeing marriage counselors. separately. we probably need to go together. She said she was going to make an appointment and I've been waiting to see if she'll really do it.

Miles -- wow, I feel for you bro, sounds like your situation was similar. I can tell you're playing straight with me from your perspective. I still see good in my wife though. I need more time to digest what you said. I'll think more on it.

You sound if you have made the commitment to sustain your marriage. The next move would up to her.

Situations like this require a "leap of faith" on both parts. If she is unable or unwilling, then its time to go over everything in your mind. Trust your instincts and believe in you.

One benefit if you do decide to stay together:

From now on till the end of your life, she will ALWAYS owe you. She will have to wait on you hand and foot. In your house you will be KING. She betrayed your trust in her and payment for that will be a lifetime of attonement for that indescrition.

I hope everything turns out well.

#1 Getting the Love You Want. By Hendricks

#2 Surviving the Loss of a Loved One (can't remember the author) and no it doesn't mean just death by the Loss part.

Now, she swears up and down that she had nothing to do with him and that nothing happened, but I know better and so does anyone who read the letters from this freak.

Another time while she was still working in Phx, the same place that owned the truck, this guy would always call at all hours of the night, my parents, my best friend all said I should be concerned, then I found out that she was going to the movies with him, she even got all gussied up for him which she never did for me.

The reason I say all this, is that, it happened once, it will happen again, no if ands or butts about it. Get out now before you are anothe 5-10 years down the road. It will just make it worse.

don't kill yourself, It is not the way to handle things, it is the chickens' way out.

I think if you hire a good lawyer then start proceeding and planning before the child is born...If it's not your child then I don't see any reason why not to proceed...Personally I would use all of this against her to get out of alimony and to get custody to your child or children...No way if I was in your shoes allow a woman who cheated on me with my friend and did it in the same room as a baby keep custody of that child...

It's not to much of a example to set....Also I think if you do go through with this plan should take the child out some time right before they deliver the papers that way she can't fight over it...

My motto, don't get sad get even...Also it might help to beef up what you have to offer if you do go to court...ex: You have a nanny to take care of the child while you are at work or some sort of daycare...I'm not sure if you have faimly that would be willing to help you but that also helps to show you have them around for support of you and the child.

Use everything she has said against her...and get yourself as straight as you can before this...Cause you and your child or children will depend on it...

I know this is jumping the gun but it's better to protect and plan early rather then getting kicked in the ass later in case something else happens or she leaves...

As far as paternity goes, we have already taken a test (amniocentesis, where they extract amniotic fluid, collect the skin that has flaked and compare the DNA to mine) We will get results on the 19th. I hope to God he or she is mine.

Custody-wise, I am in a no-fault state, which means that adultery is not a cause for loss of custody. Courts favor mothers and I've been advised that probably the best I can hope for is joint custody if it comes down to it (divorce).

My relationship advice is becoming notorious on this board. But let's be objective here:

Your wife (not your girlfriend, your WIFE) betrayed your love and your trust. She slept with another guy - and as if that were not enough, she did it while you were at work and your child was asleep in the house.

She is telling you she needs you 50% of the time.

While you are trying to cope with her 100% BETRAYAL of the trust you invested in her, she does not help you - instead she talks about the plans she is making for Halloween.

Given those facts, WHY ARE SYOU STILL WITH HER?

File for divorce, take your child and get the hell out of there. This woamn is sucking the life right out of you. You are not happy, you are thinking of death, you are emotionally killing yourself already.

The truyst has been betrayed and that never goes away.

Truck - I am not trying to ber a cold, callous asshole. I will tell you that I have seen similar despair in my life and I didn;'t get it back together until I got away from the situation.

Email me if you'd like. I'm sorry for your suffering, but it;s time to end the pain and move on.

Matt

Now for the woman, get out, she don't love you she is using you, do it before you are unable to. Take my word for it as well as Wodins, Mattts, I mean your best friend for christs sake, what was she thinking of? Obviously not you. Okay, so I'm brutal, but the truth is do you want to be needed 50% of the time or 100% of the time. What is she doing with the other 50%, it apparently isn't with you.

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FUCK GIRLS

�FUCK HER�

That sounds rough, but it is. If she cared at all about you all of this wouldn�t have happened. Dude, I�ve been in your place, and I tried to hold on. It wasn�t worth it. It caused me more harm than anything.

Times will be bad, then they�ll get worse, but find inner strength. Sieze the day, every day, devote more time to yourself, and you will find inner peace and enjoyment.

ive been in sort of the same experience. this is what i learned:

once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat

the longer your with her, the longer youll be in pain.

move on and find another woman

put her in a hefty bag (just kidding)

dont sell yourself short, you seem to have more emotional and intellectual depth.

hire someone to PERMANENTLY MUTILATE your "buddy" of 20 years, so you dont get caught. (im serious).

find emotional support around you. it helps to talk things out.

NO, dont kill yourself. the pain DOES go away, unless you choose to stay with her.

BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!

I have no experience w/infidelity of any sort, though I have always been of the opinion that infidelity is NOT a reason to end a marriage, particularly if there are children involved. I am grown and I realize that life is difficult and can get very easily complicated to the point where it seems there is NO RETURN. There are many reasons why people step outside the confines of their marital relationship and though I'm certainly NOT placing blame I just want to bring to light the information that marriage is difficult beyond many individual's wildest dreams!....or should I say, nightmares...and things don't always work out the way we thought they would once we are in the "thick of it" so to speak. So you are faced with the question, "Now what?"

Your wife seems very insensitive to your needs. Has she always been this way, or is she just shutting you out as a way to defend her own fragile self? Is she emotionally cutting you off because she is afraid of the outcome of the paternity of your unborn child? How are you both dealing with the day to day rigors of parenting your 18 mo old while preparing for the arival of a new baby which is strenuous on even the happiest of relationships? Is there any way that you both can find your way back to each other?....or do you think you are only delaying the inevitable?

I'm no shrink but as the recipient of MANY hours of couples' counseling (Well how in the heck did you all think I made it to 10 years after four kids?) I can surely say that "dump the bitch and take your kid" will not help you or even BEGIN to solve your problems. Your marriage did not break down over night so it will not be fixed or fortified in an afternoon (not saying that's what you were expecting). It will take time and patience and work. Keep on with the counseling and if you are not satisfied w/whom you are seeing, keep searching until you find the right one.

Ultimately, you BOTH have to want it. You could shed all the tears in the world, but if your wife has already emotionally shut you out or is perhaps preparing to, it will not matter in the least.

I wish you comfort in this dark, dark time for you and your family.

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IN IRON WE TRUST.

HEAVEN IS THE BACKSEAT OF MY CADILLAC.

HEY ITS THERON!!!!!!! LETS KILL HIM!

You do NOT have to make any decisions today...and in fact, you do not have to make any decisions tomorrow...you will know what to do at some point, and you will know it when it comes.

Forget your friend - he will never be your friend again.

If you stay with your wife, things will never be the same...but, just because they are different does not mean they can't be as good or better.

For now, keep going to counseling, ALONE...it saved my life...be honest with your therapist, including any thoughts of harming yourself or others...

Please e-mail me if you want to talk.