Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo."

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep (Llama in billy's case) under each arm? A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady To yell, "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Old is when . . .

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

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Man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One or January, one for February, one for March...

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"Marge, I said Wooo Hoo!"Homer Simpson

[This message has been edited by WODIN (edited October 02, 2000).]

He retired from the CO. I work for and now sells realestate, just shows you never have to stop.