posted August 06, 2000 01:26 PM
1. We're named after a pornographer.
America gets its name from low-ranking sailor Amerigo Vespucci, who managed to scam his name onto maps. His only real claim to fame during his time was being the first popular pornographer of the New World. His letters about his travels described in lewd detail the sex lives of Native Americans and became a natural bestseller back in Europe.2. We've always hated lawyers.
The Massachusetts Bay Colony passed a law in 1641 - when it also legalized the death penalty - making it illegal to earn money by representing a person in court. Virginia took this idea a bit further: In 1658 it banished all attorneys, unfortunately letting them come back in 1680.
3. We're number one, dammit, or no one is.
We have a tendency to take international competition pretty seriously. Yale students were asked in 1990 which they would prefer: America with 1 percent economic growth and Japan with a 1.5 percent boost, or America suffering a 1 percent drop and Japan falling by 1.5 percent. Even though it meant economic decline, they chose the latter.
4. Our founding father was a Maxim man.
When he wasn't flying kites, Benjamin Franklin got it on with any young miss he could lay his hands on, admitting that he couldn't help engaging in "foolish intrigues with low women." Visitors often arrived to find him bumping uglies with a parlor maid. He wrote essays on how to select a mistress (pick an older woman) and avoid flatulence (drink perfume), and in 1737 he drew up the first formal list of American slang terms for drunkenness (he came up with an impressive 228).
5. We make everything, especially English things, better.
England gave us Cumberland and Westmoreland wrestling, which was little more than one long, boring grappling move. When it arrived in Kentucky and Virginia, the colonials spiced it up a bit with kicking, biting, and maiming (competitors grew long thumbnails for eye gouging and even filled their teeth to sharp points). Vince McMahon would've been proud.
6. We sink subs with spuds
The U.S.S. O'Bannon encountered a Japanese submarine on patrol off the Solomon Islands in April 1943. The crew shot off the sub's conning tower, preventing it from diving, but the sub came in so close to the ship that the O'Bannon's big guns couldn't hit it. When the Japanese sailors came topside to fight, the O'Bannon crewmen pelted them with potatoes. Thinking they were grenades, the Japanese panicked, dropped their guns, tried to submerge the sub, and sank.
7. We can defend our nation with our collective penis.
Shady Elbridge Gerry, signer of the Declaration of Independence and our fifth vice president, redrew congressional districts in a shape resembling a salamander, giving his party an electoral advantage and giving us the term gerrymander. At the Constitutional Convention in 1787, he compared a standing army to an erect penis - "an excellent assurance of domestic tranquility, but a dangerous temptation to foreign adventure."
8. We always find a silver lining.
We owe the invention of that wonderful office perk, air conditioning, to the assassination of President James Garfield. To help ease the pain of the recently shot prez, naval engineers used a large iron box with ice, salt, a fan, and charcoal filters to cool his room. They should have told his doctors to wash their hands. Garfield died three months later from an infection that was brought on by medical malpractice.
9. We believe in free speech -- and free beatings.
Anti-Semetic German preacher Ahlwardt came to New York in 1895 to advocate a crusade against Jews. The city's Jewish leaders went to the police commissioner, Teddy Roosevelt, and demanded that Ahlwardt not be allowed to speak. But Roosevelt insisted that the German was entitled to freedom of speech regardless of his views and even required police protection. So Roosevelt personally appointed the man's security guards: 40 policemen, all of them Jewish. After the speech, the cops went home and Ahlwardt was caught by thugs and beaten.
10. We'll go to war for the nookie.
On April 11, 1917, Soviet leader Vladimir Ilyich Lenin called the U.S. consul in Switzerland and spoke to lowly diplomat Allen Dulles. Lenin told Dulles that Russia was withdrawing from WWI and signing a treaty with Germany. Dulles, who had a big date that evening, told Lenin to call back in the morning, when the office opened. Lenin's message was never delivered to Washington, and U.S. - Russian relations were never the same - especially after Dulles became chief of the CIA.
11. The Animal House.
Socks the cat is a pussy compared with past presidential pets. John Quincy Adams kept an alligator in the East Room. Teddy Roosevelt had a lion and two bear cubs, and Woodrow Wilson had a tobacco chewing ram called Ike. Andrew Jackson's parrot, Poll, could curse in English and Spanish, and had to be removed during Jackson's funeral in 1845 when it wouldn't stop swearing.
12. When negotiations fail, we get 'em drunk.
In 1842, when American and Canadian surveyors attempted to finalize the border between Maine and Quebec, the Americans got the Canucks blitzed and took them to a river far north of where they were supposed to be. The U.S. ended up getting hundreds of square miles of extra territory. To this day, the boundary runs through several houses.
13. Even our safety programs are dangerous.
During the 1970s, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission produced 80,000 buttons emblazoned with the slogan THINK TOY SAFETY. The only problem was that the buttons themselves were coated with lead-based paint and had sharp edges, fasteners that opened too easily, and dangerous points. Distribution of the safety buttons had to stop because they were unsafe.
14. Even in death we're dramatic.
When John Adams died in 1826, the fervent revolutionary and former president's last words were "Thomas Jefferson survives!" Uh, no -- Jefferson had passed away just hours before. The day was July 4, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. James Monroe, our fifth president, died on that same day five years later.
15. The mother of invention? Nudity.
To develop the first film player, the kinetoscope, Thomas Edison purchased a series of photos featuring naked men and women playing baseball, climbing ladders, and having tea parties. Two weeks after Edison launched the first family friendly kinetiphone parlor in 1894, one opportunist was already offering a peep show called Doloria in the Passion Dance.
16. If we can't find dates, we import them.
Despite having a population of only 2,000 people in 1699, Virginia's former capital, Williamsburg, supported three brothels. Women were in such short supply in Louisiana in 1721 that the government of France shipped 25 prostitutes to the colony in the hopes they could lure settlers away from Indian mistresses.
17. We smoke for our health.
The best way to cure that cough? Smoke more cigarettes. As late as 1953, L&M cigarettes were advertising themselves as "Just what the Doctor ordered!"
18. We put the 'capitalism' in capital punishment.
Thomas Edison not only invented the light bulb, he also gave us the electric chair. In a desperate attempt to prove that George Westinghouse's alternating current was dangerous, Edison traveled the country in 1890, using his rival's AC to electrocute dogs, cats, horses, and elephants. Unfortunately, his attempt to apply "a current of several thousand horsepower" to condemned felon William Kemmler in New York was only enough to make the convict start smoking. A stronger burst had to be applied to kill him off.
19. We know how important maintaining discipline is.
Lieutenant Aaron Burr not only insisted on new shoes for his troops at Valley Forge and let prostitutes visit the camp, he also handled uprisings with aplomb. During one roll call, a mutineer pointed a pistol at Burr and shouted, "Now is your time, boys!" Burr quickly raised his sword and amputated the man's arm with a single stroke. His troops were better behaved after that.
20. We know when to hold 'em.
Some people work hard to make their fortunes. Others are simply dealt good hands. H. L. Hunt was an uneducated shepherd and short-order cook when he won his first Texas oil well in a 1921 poker game. By 1948, Forbes magazine had declared him the richest man in America. When he died he left more than $4 billion to his kids, one of whom started the American Football Conference.
21. We have the freedom not to shower.
Thomas Paine, whose best-selling political manifesto Common Sense called King George III a "stupid, stubborn, worthless, brutish man" and convinced Americans to take up arms for the Revolutionary War, was so unfamiliar with the virtues of soap and water, you might've thought him French. One contemporary called him "the most abominably dirty being upon the face of the earth." He died dirty, broke, and drunk.
22. We can appreciate the value of a good cigar.
In 1998, days after it was revealed that President William Jefferson Clinton had explored the various orifices of his 20-year-old White House intern with a stogie, his public approval rating actually increased, shooting from 53 to 70 percent.
23. We honor our best con men.
Ten-buck cover boy Alexander Hamilton was a cheater to the end. Facing a scandal over shady financial dealings, Secretary of the Treasury Hamilton deliberately admitted to an affair to distract attention: "The charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds for purposed of improper pecuniary speculation. My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife." But it was cheating of another sort that eventually cost Hamilton his life when he dueled Vice President Aaron Burr on July 11, 1804. Hamilton had rigged the dueling pistols with hair triggers to allow him to get the drop on Burr, but he shot too soon and missed. Burr then shot Hamilton in the groin, killing him.
24. There's no business like ho business.
Many 19th century U.S. theaters passed out free tickets to "women of infamy" to help attract men, fill seats, and raise prices. This pretty much turned balconies into sex-filled brothels, and new entrances had to be created to avoid scaring off the other customers.
25. We spel good.
To conform to the 1990 Children's Television Act, one station justified the educational content of its G.I. Joe cartoon by calling it "a pedagogical tool" that "promoted social consciousness" and familiarized children with "the dangers of mass destruction." Others claimed that The Jetsons helped prepare youngsters for the future and Batman taught that good prevails over evil.
26. We put our money where our mouth is.
Smart bombs can beat smart children any day. In the 1950s the U.S. spent more on defense than on any other part of the federal budget. By 1960 military spending along was 49.7 percent of the federal budget, almost more than all other programs combined. We spent more on missiles and tanks than our allies England, France, West Germany, and Italy as a group spent on, well, anything.
27. We go out with a bang.
In 1864 General John Sedgwick was leading Union troops against Confederate lines at the battle of Spotsylvania Courthouse. As the rebels fired, the Union line began to waver. General Sedgwick rode out in front of his men and yelled out what would be his last words: "Come on, men! They couldn't his an elephant at this dist..."
28. We have complete lack of respect for authority.
President Abraham Lincoln was visiting fortifications on the outskirts of Washington on July 11, 1864, just as Confederates under General Jubal Early were attacking the edge of town. As Lincoln gazed over the wall at the approaching rebels, a man standing next to him was killed by a sniper. A young officer yanked the president to the ground, yelling, "Get down, you damn fool, or you'll be killed!" to which Lincoln replied, "Well, Captain, I see you have already learned how to address a civilian." The captain was Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., who would later become chief justice of the Supreme Court.
29. We're pirates at heart.
During the Revolutionary War, patriotic businessmen (and congressmen) were encouraged to invest in "privateers" (a.k.a. pirates) who would plunder British naval ships and keep half the booty as their fee. Robert Morris, who also happened to be treasurer of Congress, made between $300,000 and $400,000 this way.
30. Criminal Justice.
While pillaging their way through the Ozark Mountains, Jesse and Frank James entered the house of an old widow who explained to them that she was the one who needed money: Without $800, her banker would foreclose on her house. Sensing an opportunity, Jesse insisted that she borrow the money from him. He also made sure to get the banker's physical description. Shortly after the money man visited the widow to collect, he just happened to run into the waiting James gang, who made off with all his money, including the loaned $800.
31. Our most useless job is only a heartbeat away.
In the long and storied existence of the vice presidency ("the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived," according to our first veep, John Adams), we've had a murderer (Aaron Burr), two men charged with treason (Burr and John Breckinridge), two who almost were (John Calhoun and John Tyler), two accused of accepting bribes (Schuyler Colfax and Spiro Agnew), and one runaway indentured servant who never attended a day of school and who showed up drunk to his own inauguration (Andrew Johnson).
32. Even our puritans loved sex.
The prudish Puritans may have outlawed Christmas, banned church weddings, and invented that whole scarlet-letter fad, but despite their reputation, they reveled in sex and felt it was as natural as eating. They perfected the art of "bundling," which allowed a couple to share a bed without having gone through the formality of marriage, and by the 1770s, about half of all New England brides were pregnant at their weddings.
33. Our president's glass is always half full.
During his tenure as Chief Executive, common man Thomas Jefferson ran up a wine bill of $10,835 (worth more than $103,000 today). He also invented a hemp machine to process all the weed he and George Washington grew.
34. All our hours are happy hours.
The Supreme Court was founded on justice, truth, and liquor. Chief Justice John Marshall instituted a regular Saturday "consultation day," on which cases were "discussed" with booze accompaniment. Once word of this hard drinking got out, Marshall passed a rule banning drink on consultation day -- except, of course, when it rained. The following Saturday, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Looking out the window, Marshall declared, "By the laws of nature, it must be raining someplace in our jurisdiction, Waiter, bring on the rum."
35. Our priorities have always been in order.
Much as in today's prisons, in colonial America, tobacco was the preferred legal tender. Early on in Virginia, colonists could use tobacco to buy a wife, shelling out 120 to 150 pounds of the kind leaf for a woman shipped over by the Virginia Company.
36. Nothing beats the executive's branch.
Lyndon Johnson was a reporter's dream, often insisting on being interviewed while he sat on the Imperial Flusher, and he couldn't understand it when people stopped talking to him just because he was in the bathroom. During a 1968 conference in Thailand, Johnson met a group of reporters outside the can, whipped out his little LBJ, and said, "Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?"
37. There's nothing we can't sell.
When a train plowed in P.T. Barnum's star circus elephant, Jumbo, Barnum didn't see tragedy -- he saw an opportunity. Barnum had Jumbo's skin and bones mounted separately so he could show the world's largest elephant to two audiences at once. Without the cost of care or feeding, Barnum made much more money with Jumbo dead than with the elephant alive.
38. We take what we need.
In need of a canal linking the Atlantic and the Pacific, and with those pesky Colombians unwilling to cooperate, Teddy Roosevelt organized, financed, and armed a rebellion in 1903 to create the independent nation of Panama. As a token of its appreciation, Panama gave us complete control of the 10 mile strip, the right to take over any other part of the country deemed necessary to control the canal, and the lives of 25,000 workers -- 500 lives per mile. Twenty-five years later, Senator S.I. Hayakawa explained it best, "The canal is ours; we stole it fair and square!"
39. We never met a tax we couldn't beat.
In the 1760s the average American taxpayer paid 1/50 the taxes of the average Briton, and most didn't even pay that. The hated Townshend duties, a series of taxes disguised as import duties, cost 170,000 pounds to implement but raised a meager 295 pounds in their first year. The Stamp Act never collected a cent. And that whole Boston Tea Party uproar? Tea actually cost less in America than in Britain-even with the tax.
40. We're ramblin', gamblin' men.
As if our war for independence wasn't enough of a gamble in itself, most of the original 13 colonies' efforts were financed with the help of lottery dollars. In 1776 the Continental Congress approved a lottery to raise $10 million to support the troops in the Revolutionary War.
41. We don't have a problem with fighting dirty.
When the U.S.S. Constitution happened upon the H.M.S. Guerriere during the War of 1812, we rewrote the textbook on naval tactics. Knowing that British sailors traditionally fought barefoot, the American ship fired glass splinters and rusty nails across the Guerriere's deck. Since the Brits had to repeatedly sweep the deck before they could man the cannons, Old Ironsides was able to pound them mercilessly until they sank.
42. We never know when to quit.
At the Battle of New Orleans, on January 8, 1815, a ragtag American force under Andrew Jackson trounced the more numerous British troops, leaving 2,000 Englishmen dead. Great job, but the War of 1812 had been officially over for two weeks.
43. When the going gets tough, we get going.
After the election of 1860, the Civil War erupted in America. Abraham Lincoln went on to guide us through this terrible hour and become the greatest president in our nation's history. Vice President Hannibal Hamlin went home. Living on his farm in Maine, Hamlin returned to Washington only once a year, to open each session of Congress. In 1864, deciding he could no longer stand idly by while war raged on through the South, Hamlin joined the Coast Guard-as a cook, braving splattering grease on the dangerous coast of Maine for a full 60 days. When Lincoln ran for a second term, V.P. Hamlin was passed over for Andrew Johnson, who soon became president when Lincoln was assassinated. Had Hamlin stuck around, he could have been promoted from private to Commander in Chief in a single day.
44. We excel at problem solving.
Even back in 1900, pollution was a huge problem in American cities, what with each of three million urban horses soiling the streets with 25 pounds of crap a day. And horse apples weren't the only health concern-15,000 horses a year died on the streets of New York City, and their carcasses were usually left rotting for days. Our solution to this pollution? The mass production of the environmentally friendly automobile.
45. Even our soft drinks have punch.
Coca-Cola, which claimed on its label to be a cure for headaches and other ills, until 1903 contained significant amounts of uncut cocaine. Not to be outdone, 7UP debuted in 1929 with the slogan "Take the 'ouch' out of 'grouch.'" And no wonder-the "Uncola" was laced with lithium. But that was the trend of the day: In 1898 Bayer cough syrup was laced with heroin, and cocaine throat lozenges and baby syrups spiked with morphine were also, not surprisingly, popular remedies.
46. We take casualty casually.
We were the first to use the airplane, safety be damned. In 1921 the average pilot had a life expectancy of only 900 flying hours. Of the first 40 pilots hired to carry airmail for the government, 31 died in crashes. Charles Lindbergh himself crashed three planes in one year.
47. We'll drink to anything, even Prohibition.
Never try to come between an American and his drink. Even with Prohibition in full force and Kevin Costner busting barrels nationwide, from 1925 to 1939 America's wine consumption actually tripled. New York went from 15,000 saloons before Prohibition to 30,000 by the time it ended.
48. We appreciate fine art.
In 1951 an electrician sued the Hi Hat Lounge in Nashville, Tennessee, after he walked in one day and saw on display a life-size naughty picture of his wife showing her ass. The judge ruled that as it was a barroom decoration, seen only by drinking-age adults, it was "unquestionably obscene." Instead he suggested it be displayed at one of the city's art galleries, where it could be admired by everyone.
49. We know that quality costs.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken introduced their new Extra Crispy chicken at the same price as its Original Recipe in 1972, the new chicken tanked. But when its ad agency convinced the chain to jack up the price, sales soared.
50. We can't handle the truth.
In 1982 the GOP ran an ad boasting that President Ronald Reagan had provided a cost-of-living increase to federal workers "in spite of those sticks-in-he-mud who tried to keep him from doing what we elected him to do." When it was pointed out that Reagan had opposed the increase, despite it being lawfully mandated since '75, one Republican official replied, "Since when is a commercial supposed to be accurate?"
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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
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posted August 06, 2000 01:26 PM
