posted July 17, 2000 04:46 PM            

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all
the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet
paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and
pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise
if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on
a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to
piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then
that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the
top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs
down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

posted July 17, 2000 04:53 PM            

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

posted July 17, 2000 04:58 PM            

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"The race is long... and in the end, it's only with yourself."

posted July 17, 2000 04:58 PM            

Funny story bro.

posted July 17, 2000 05:07 PM            

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Winners make promises, losers make excuses.

" When the odds are against me I prove them wrong, when all else fails I succeed, when all else ceases to live I breath, when all turns to ashes from it I rise, so it doesn't matter what you throw at me or what you do, I am, I do, that's all that matters."
-The Iron Tank.

posted July 17, 2000 07:35 PM            

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Patience is a bitter plant, but it has sweet fruit.