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| Author | Topic: *JoKe ThReAd* |
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matr1x Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 103) |
posted June 20, 2000 03:53 PM
  
Quasimodo came home from a hard days bell ringing, he walks in his house and spots his love esmerelda in the kitchen with a wok in her hand. "Chinese for dinner tonight dear is it?" "No she replies, just ironing your shirt..."  FEEL FREE TO POST YOURS. IP: Logged |
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THE STEEL BEAST Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 558) |
posted June 20, 2000 06:20 PM
A GUY IS DRIVING A CAR AND SEES A DOG.HE STOPS AND ASKS THE DOG,"WHERE CAN I GO TO SEE THE OCEAN?". THE DOG SAYS I DONT KNOW YOU STUPID FUCKHEAD.THE MAN THEN TURNS ON HIS WINSHEILD WIPERS AND THE HEATER AND STARTS SINGING THE PUSSYCAT SONG.
------------------ BLOOD LIKE VENOM, IP: Logged |
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I'D RATHER BE DEADLIFTING Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 55) |
posted June 21, 2000 04:20 AM
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Well, Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys in the ass! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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matr1x Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 103) |
posted June 23, 2000 02:41 PM
C-mon guys all you jokers and only 2 replies??? I want to laugh my head off. 100 free d-bol to the guy or gal that makes me laugh the most. IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 23, 2000 02:47 PM
Equal opportunity Jokes:>>>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? > >>> > >>>A: 45 lbs. > >>> > >>>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? > >>> > >>>A: 45 minutes. > >>> > >>>Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? > >>> > >>>A: Sexual harassment. > >>> > >>>Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? > >>> > >>>A: $3.99 a minute. > >>> > >>>Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? > >>> > >>>A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. > >>> > >>>Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? > >>> > >>>A: The sex is the same but you get the remote. > >>> > >>>Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? > >>> > >>>A: Marriage. > >>> > >>>Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have > you > >>>done wrong? > >>> > >>>A: Made her chain too long. > >>> > >>>Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? > >>> > >>>A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. > >>> > >>>Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike? > >>> > >>>A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are > disabled. > >>> > >>>Q. Why are men like public toilets? > >>> > >>>A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are > full > >>>of crap. > >>> > >>>Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? > >>> > >>>A. They can't stand criticism. > >>> > >>>Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, > and > >>>good-looking? > >>> > >>>A: Because those men already have boyfriends. > >>> > >>>Q. What is a man's view of safe sex? > >>> > >>>A. A padded headboard. > >>> > >>>Q. How do men sort their laundry? > >>> > >>>A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" > >>> > >>>Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? > >>> > >>>A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. > >>> > >>>Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm? > >>> > >>>A. Because men fake foreplay. > >>> > >>>Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? > >>> > >>>A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. > >>> > >>>Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? > >>> > >>>A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of > >>>driving. > >>> > >>>Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? > >>> > >>>A. No one to talk to during orgasm. > >>> > >>>Q. What do you call a smart blonde? > >>> > >>>A. A golden retriever. > >>> > >>>Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? > >>> > >>>A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen > donuts. > >>> > >>>Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? > >>> > >>>A. She is the one who can eat the last donut. > >>> > >>>Q. Why does the bride always wear white? > >>> > >>>A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and > >>>refrigerator. > >>> > >>>Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? > >>> > >>>A. A battery has a positive side. > >>> > >>>Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has > the > >>>biggest tits? > >>> > >>>A. The blonde, because she's 18. > >>> > >>>Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and Jewish mother? > >>> > >>>A. You can negotiate with the terrorist > >>> > >>>Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? > >>> > >>>A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 23, 2000 02:55 PM
A black guy and a white guy are standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus. The black guy says: I'm 7'2" tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 12" penis, and I'm Turner Brown! The white guy faints and falls to the ground. The black guy wakes him up and helps him to his feet. Once again he repeats: I'm 7'2" tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 12" penis and I'm Turner Brown! The white guys says: Oh, thank god, I thought you said, "Turn Around!" IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 23, 2000 02:56 PM
What's 30 ft long and smells like urine? A senior citizen congo line! IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 23, 2000 03:02 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks and agility tests, they narrowed it down to three applicants. For the final test, they took one applicant to a metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what. On the other side of this door you'll find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." "You've got to be kidding", said the first applicant. "I could never shoot my wife!" "Well, then you're not the right man for the job", replied the agent. They gave the gun to the second applicant. He went into the room where his wife was. All was quiet for five minutes. Suddenly the man burst from the room in tears, sobbing, "I just can't shoot my own wife!" "Well, then you're not the right man for the job", replied the agent. They gave the gun to the third applicant and told him to knock off his wife. He took the gun and entered the room. They heard shots fired, screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and the third applicant emerged, wiping sweat from his brow. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair!" IP: Logged |
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m2a5s0s Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 10) |
posted June 23, 2000 04:31 PM
mikey, that was good... but how do you like this....... Knock Knock hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha lollollollollol IP: Logged |
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RippedNBuff Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 46) |
posted June 23, 2000 05:27 PM
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off. IP: Logged |
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RippedNBuff Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 46) |
posted June 23, 2000 05:31 PM
There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always going on about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor and see what he could do to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. IP: Logged |
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RippedNBuff Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 46) |
posted June 23, 2000 05:37 PM
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn�t reach that far. IP: Logged |
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RaginAsian Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 60) |
posted June 23, 2000 05:59 PM
m2a5s0s, I just vomited because your knock-knock joke fucking killed me. Mwa-ha-hahahahaaaaaaaaaa! Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand? A: A brunette with bad breathe IP: Logged |
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Kaisersosay Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 192) |
posted June 23, 2000 06:00 PM
WHILE DRIVING IN HIS CONTVERTIBLE WITH THE TOP DOWN ENJOYING THE BREEZE,A MAN WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND ASKS HIS WIFE FOR A BLOW JOB.THE WIFE SAYS NO,BECAUSE HE TREATS HER LIKE SHIT.THE MAN TELLS HER TO GO FUCK HERSELF.SHE THEN PULLS OUT A KNIFE,CUTS IT OFF AND THROWS IT OUT THE CAR IT LANDS ON THE WINDSHEILD OF A TRUCK,DRIVEN MY A MAN DRIVING HIS DAUGHTER HOME.HE PANICS AND HITS THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS.THE GIRL GOES "WHAT WAS THAT DADDY?"THE FATHER GOES OH UM JUST A BUG."THE GIRL GOES GEE SURE HAD A BIG DICK" IP: Logged |
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ryry Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 470) |
posted June 23, 2000 06:11 PM
man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champaigne. he tells the bartender that he is celebrating his first blowjob, so the bartender says congratulations. the man walks into a corner and finishes off his champaigne. he then goes back to the bar and orders another bottle. bartender goes "what are you celebrating this time?"...man says "nothing, i still can't get the taste out of my mouth." ------------------ IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 23, 2000 08:12 PM
>Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked - > >1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" > >2. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human >Resources. >3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." >4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your >blouse. >5. You want to see if it's like the dream. >6. You can make cool farting noises on those vinyl-covered chairs >7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep >them. >8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. >9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. >10. No one ever steals your chair. IP: Logged |
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matr1x Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 103) |
posted June 24, 2000 05:33 AM
Competition closes at the end of the month (6days) MIKEY and I'D RATHER BE DEADLIFTING have a tie for the top at the moment.... hehehe you guys crack me up. IP: Logged |
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Cut2DaMax Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 54) |
posted June 25, 2000 01:55 AM
Two guys (one straight, the other gay) are roommates in college. The straight one returns to the campus on a Sunday night after going home for the weekend. The first thing he sees as he enters his dorm room is a bunch of condoms lying all over the floor. "Man, did you have a party?" he asks his gay roommate. "No," the gay roommate replys, "I farted." IP: Logged |
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xTylerDurdenx Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 22) |
posted June 25, 2000 02:25 AM
A guy and a girl are sitting at the bar looking depressed with life. Looking for some conversation, the girl asks the guy, "Why are you upset?" The guy replies, "My wife divorced me because she said I was too kinky." The girl looks in astonishment, and says, "My husband divorced me as well, because he said I was too kinky!" After a few laughs, she invites him back to her place for some fun. She walks out of the bathroom, dressed from head to toe in a leather suit, sporting a 9 cat tale whip. She looks looks at the guy sitting on the bed, still fully clothed.. "Why are you still dressed?", she asks. He replies, "What are you talking about? I already shit in your purse and fucked your poodle. I am outta here!!!!!" ------------------ "You think that is PAIN?!?! It is premature enlightenment." IP: Logged |
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slabcat Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 110) |
posted June 25, 2000 11:29 AM
What does Kathy Lee Gifford and Pres. Clinton have in common? They're both fucking cunts! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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picasso Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 24) |
posted June 25, 2000 12:33 PM
What does Michael Jackson and CellTech have in common? They both come in little buckets. IP: Logged |
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MaxMuscle Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 157) |
posted June 26, 2000 04:34 AM
A man goes to a docotor. The man says, "I-I hhave a stu..studdering pro..prob..problem. Ca..ca.can you help m...me?" The doctor says, "Yes, please drop your pants. I need to examine your penis." So the man drops his pants. The doctor says, "Now I know the problem. Your penis is too long and the weight of it is pulling your tongue too far back in your mouth. We need to do some surgery and take 6 inches off your penis." So the man agrees to have surgery. The doctor removes 6 inches off his penis. After the surgery the man can talk straight. He's happy with the results and goes on his way. A month later he comes back to the doctor and says, "Ever since I had that operation my performance in bed has been horrible. My wife is not satisfied and now she wants a divorce. I want you to put back the 6 inches you took off." The doctor says, "T..to....too l..l..llate." [This message has been edited by MaxMuscle (edited June 26, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 26, 2000 11:01 AM
Two gay guys are driving down town one day. They are at a stop light and a truck crashes into them. The one guy turns to his partner and says: "You go back there and tell that guy we are going sue his ass in court." So he jumps out and runs to the truck, and tells the guy "we are going to sue your ass in court." Trucker looks down and says: "Suck my dick!" Little quier looks confused but runs back to his partner. The guy asks: "What did he say?" He replys; "I think we are going to settle out of court!!" IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 26, 2000 11:12 AM
Two young Medical interns are starting their careers, one is in general practice and the other is in pediatric medicine. After a few years, the two meet up again and ask what's been happening. Well, this may sound weird, but I have been saving all those foreskins from the circumcisions that I perform on the young babys. The other says, what the hell are you going to do with all that? Don't know yet. ANyways, they part and about ten years later, they meet again. The one doctor asks, hey what did you ever do with all those foreskins from the circumcisions? The doctor pulls out a wallet. The other doctor says, all that and you made a wallet! Naw, just rub it a little and it becomes a suitcase!! IP: Logged |
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PT101 Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 68) |
posted June 26, 2000 11:17 AM
SEVEN DWARFS IN ROME The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on IP: Logged |
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The Whole F/N Show Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 38) |
posted June 27, 2000 12:20 PM
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The kid said, "Yeah." IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 27, 2000 03:21 PM
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little Married men lives longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. A woman has the last word in any argument.
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sususer Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 53) |
posted June 27, 2000 04:12 PM
Don't take these personally! What do you call a faggot on roller skates? ROLL-Aids A teenage kentucky girl went up to her father and asked him for the keys to the car for the night. The father replied you know what you have to do! So the girl goes down there and gives him a Blow Job. When she is finished she comes and and says damn that tasted like shit. The father smacks himself and the head said "Oops I forgot your brother has the car tonight!" sususer IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 27, 2000 07:47 PM
An American tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and did not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well,give me a shot or something and fix me up,doc !" The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Hell no! You're not gonna cut off my dick! I want a second opinion!". The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease. " The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate on my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid amellican doctor! Amellican doctors, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. I tell you, no need to opelate!" " Thank God !!! " exclaims the man. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no wolly! Wait two week. Dick fall off by self!" IP: Logged |
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matr1x Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 103) |
posted June 27, 2000 07:54 PM
Mikey now has pole position. IP: Logged |
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Kaisersosay Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 192) |
posted June 27, 2000 08:45 PM
2 GUYS R WALKING TROUGH A FIELD WHEN THEY SEE A SHEEP WITH ITS HEAD STUCK IN A FENCE.THE FIRST GUY SAYS ALRIGHT! I'LL GO FIRST,PULLS DOWN HIS PANTS AND STARTS FUCKING THE SHEEP. WHEN HE GETS DONE, HE LOOKS AT HIS FRIEND AND SAYS YOUR TURN.HIS FRIEND SAYS BUT HOW AM I GONNA GET MY HEAD UNSTUCK WHEN YOUR DONE? [This message has been edited by Kaisersosay (edited June 27, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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BIGBADFKR Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 300) |
posted June 27, 2000 10:21 PM
FUNNY SHIT IP: Logged |
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Jay Z Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 885) |
posted June 28, 2000 11:41 PM
TOP FIFTEEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHO HAS PULLED YOU OVER 15.) My license is right here under this $50 14.) That uniform is holding out pretty well under the pressure 13.) Sure, you got my permission to search the vehicle 12.) Can you hold my beer while I get my license. 11.) Shouldn't you be parked somewhere talkin to 3 cars of other cops? 10.) Winchell's is down the block, man 9.) I always lite up incense when I'm pulled over. 8.) Wow you must've been doing at least 115mph to catch me! 7.) Hey Andy, tell Aunt Bee she sucks a mean one 6.) Shit, I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop. 5.) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 4.) Thanks, bro! The officer yesterday only gave me a warning, too! 3.) Drinking? My eyes look red? Well YOUR eyes look glazed. You been eating 2.) Can you ask Ronnie Coleman what shit he's on, my next cycle is coming up.
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I'D RATHER BE DEADLIFTING Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 55) |
posted June 30, 2000 12:05 AM
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Bobby raises his hand and says "the sky is definitely blue". The teacher says "that is very good Bobby, does anyone else have any"? Jenny says "the grass is definitely green". The teacher again says "very good, does anyone else have a sentence"? So Leroy raises his hand and says "oh oh oh". The teacher is hesitant to call on Leroy because he is a trouble maker. Finally she says "Ok Leroy, lets hear your sentence". Leroy says "do mother fuckin farts have lumps?" The teacher, shocked, says "what did you say!?" Leroy repeats "do mother fuckin farts have lumps?" The teacher, confused, says "what!?" Leroy once again says "do mother fuckin farts have lumps?" The teacher finally in frustration says "no!" Then Leroy says "then I definitely shit my pants!" IP: Logged |
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Austin316 Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 268) |
posted June 30, 2000 12:37 AM
This Lady walks into a law ferm and wants to file a sexual harrasment law suit. She finds a lawyer willing to take the case and meets him in his office. "So what seems to be the problem?" asks the lawyer "Im having trouble with this guy named Bob that I work with." "Oh what is he doing?" "He keeps coming up to me and smelling my hair." "Well whats wrong with that." replies the lawyer "Bobs a midget!" IP: Logged |
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Austin316 Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 268) |
posted June 30, 2000 12:43 AM
Supermans flying through metropolis and he gets a little bored. "I know, Ill see what the good old x-ray vision has in store for me," he thinks. So he keeps flying and he comes across a building he deems interesting, so he turns the good old X-ray vision on. He sees Wonder Woman lyink naked on her bed gyrating and becomes really horney. "I know, I'll fly down there, fuck her real fast, and be gone before she knows what happened. I am the man of steel after all." So superman flied down, fucks wonder woman, and leaves in under a second. Wonder Woman immediatly sits up and screams "What the hell just happened?" At this the invisible man replies "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts." IP: Logged |
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Rexie317 Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 200) |
posted June 30, 2000 01:26 AM
Miss Smith is a kindergarten teacher. One day she decides to draw pictures on the black board to see if the children knew what they were. First she draws a picture of a house and asks the class if they knew what the picture was. Leo raises his hand and says thats a picture of a house Then she draws a picture of a car and asks the class if they knew what the picture was. Leo again raises his hand and says thats a picture of a car. Finally she draws a picture of a garden tool and asks the class if they knew what it was. Noone raises their hand. Miss Smith asks Leo if he knew what it was and he says no. Ms. Smith: "thats a hoe" Leo: "no it ain't Ms. Smith cause my sister is a hoe and she don't look nothing like that" ------------------ IP: Logged |
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mikey Amateur Bodybuilder (Total posts: 28) |
posted June 30, 2000 12:55 PM
OK, one last one: Milk and cookies time in preschool and all the kids are enjoying their milk and cookies. Teacher notices Johnny not partaking of the goodies. So she walks over and asks Johnny: "do you want any milk and cookies?" Johnny replies:"Fuck you and your milk and cookies!" Astonished, the teacher fiqures the best way to handle this is to ignore him. Next day, same story: Fuck you and your milk and cookies. Well this continues all week and the teacher has finally had enough. She calls the mother over and has her view her sons behavior. Well all is going well until milk and cookie time: Same thing, "Fuck you and your milk and cookies!" Teacher asks the mother, "well what do you think?" Mother replys:"Fuck him, don't give him any!" (aaaahhhh, you knew it was coming!) IP: Logged |
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matr1x Pro Bodybuilder (Total posts: 103) |
posted June 30, 2000 04:08 PM
hehehe funny jokes everyone! There can only be one winner though..... Mikey you are now 100 d-bol better off. E-mail me your addy. IP: Logged |
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