posted May 31, 2000 03:29 PM            

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Your keyword is ENLIGHTENMENT. Your sympathetic nature causes you to deeply sense
mankind's suffering. This is why you are such a pussy. You lie a lot. you make the same
mistakes over and over because you are stupid. Everyone thinks that you are a fucking jerk.
You're a homebody this month. Make things cozy and then cuddle up. Hearth and home
never looked better. Start those home improvements, board up those windows and get
more guns. It's only a matter of time before they come for you. You'd better beprepared.

Aries
Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 ACTION is your keywork. You think that you are brave and courageous, but you're really
just a pushy jerk. You spend most of your time bossing people around. Everyone resents
you for it. Your impulsiveness often causes you to speak or act before thinking. You
make as ass of yourself almost every day. You are a douche-bag. Whether you're climbing the professional ladder or navigating the arena of relationships, you fail miserably. You'll be constantly distracted today and will have no time for yourself. Libra is out to get you. You'd be smart to throw the first punch.

Cancer
Jun. 22 - Jul. 22
SECURITY is your keyword. Memories of your early childhood emotional dependence and parental nurturing are a reminder of the importance of feeling safe. All Cancers were molested as children. Once you get your grip on anyone or anything that makes you feel secure, you want to hold on to it. You are clingy, needy and weak-minded. This makes it easy for people to take advantage of you. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. You are a whiner and a cry baby. Influential friends are out to get you. Don't listen to them or accept their help. At month's end, a secret heartthrob asks you for a commitment. Be realistic. They're probably just after your money. Security matters. Tell them that they can go fuck themselves.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Your keyword is SELF-MASTERY. Constantly aware of your actions, you present a public image of confidence, poise and virtuosity. Underneath of this, however, you are a fucking mess. You enjoy deviant sexual acts with animals, but only behind closed doors. You are a calculated and methodical backstabber. You are afraid to take risks and are basicky a chicken-shit. No Capricorn has ever amounted to anything. Venus heats up both hormones and financial opportunity in May. What better way to take advantage of this than prostitution? Creativity, play, and plain old luck abound--it's safe to take chances. Dare to be daring and great things will result. This can only mean one thing, don't make him wear a rubber. That's your niche. That's what will seperate you from the other whores. Reveal the depths of your passion. The world (and someone special) is ready for it. Oh yeah, and do anal.

Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Your keyword is COMMUNICATION. It's your bridge to understanding and unity. You talk too much. You often go off on irrelivant tangents and people think you are stupid. Because you are bisexual, you often have trouble making up your mind. This leads you to take on too many things at once. Geminis are often impatient, snappish, sarcastic, gossipy, cynical or nervously exhausted Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. There's a puzzle to be solved relating to potential love interest. Most likely they're cheating on you. It would be a good idea for you to follow them all day today to find out for sure.

Leo
Jul. 23 - Aug. 22
Your keyword is RECOGNITION. You're happiest when others acknowledge your abilities, power, magnificence and authority.You consider yourself superior to everyone else. Everyone hates you and thinks that you are stupid. The only time you feel good is when everyone is kissing your ass. Leos are arrogant motherfuckers who enjoy masturbating more than sex. The "go for it" mood of April continues this month. it's most likely just the natural progression of your disease. Next month you should be bed ridden. You'll be dead within a month.

Libra
Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
BALANCE is your keyword. And to maintain it, you must be willing to constantly re-evaluate situations in an ever-changing world. All Libras have some type of mental disorder that requires them to be on medication. Without it, they are dangerous and often violent. Libras can never be trusted with children. As children, Libras enjoy torturing animals. Most Libras die of vanerial disease. Venus smiles on you this month and your bank account swells. Invest with a partner to reap huge profits. Give everything you own to the first person that asks you for money today. Don't even ask their name, jsut give them your wallett and car keys. You'll be glad you did. Oh yeah, your partner is fucking your best friend too.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Your keyword is UNIFICATION. Rather than enjoying normal pasttimes, you like drinking, drugs and self mutilation. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You enjoy swinging and wife swapping. You see nothing wrong with pedophelia. You are a sexual deviant and should be locked up. That brain of yours has been working overtime, Aries! Don't listen to anyone today and, whatever you do, don't take their advice! They are out to destroy you and undermine your plans. You could have to spend a little cash today. Better start saving for that abortion.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your keyword is SELF-PROJECTION. You'll do anything for people to pay attention to you. Sagittarius suicides are common as a desperate cry for attention. You are flamboyant, and ridiculous. People think you are a fucking flake. You are prone to alcoholism. Sagittaruses are usually murdered. You're wooed by the call of the wild. Take care of business first (before the 16th) and then you can enjoy a recess. Relationship-wise, it's time for a jaunt into new turf--you'll find someone, but not in your usual circles. Have a gay encounter at a reststop to see if it's for you. Kids may have unusual demands. Ask questions to uncover the truth. Hint: cigarette burns will make them talk.

Scorpio
Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
Your keyword is TRANSFORMATION. You are two faced and a liar. You are unable to cooperate with others. All Scorpio woman are whores or lesbians. Scorpio men are almost always gay. No Scorpio ever amounted to anything. Scorpios should all kill themselves. True Love can be yours, this month, but not with the white man. Parents respect it when you stand up for yourself. What could be better to show them commitment than you bringing a black man into your bed. Jewish parents will smile on this gesture the most. Go black, and never go back.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May. 20
ACQUISITION is your keyword. It is your motivating force. Your practical, down-to-earth qualities and your ability to be totally focused might go to waste if there weren't some material reward to be gained. This is why everyone thinks you are greedy. You have a dogged determination and stick-to-it-ivness because you never do anything right the first time. You're completely self absorbed, bullheaded, stubborn and unwilling to accept change. If someone trys to change your boring, routine pattern of life, you can become impatient, obstinate, argumentative and cantankerous. You are nothing but a fucking asshole. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you just can't seem to get a fucking break this month. You're a lot smarter than that. Quit your job today.

posted May 31, 2000 04:08 PM            

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"Fate is just what you call it when you dont know the name of the person that is screwing you over" poppa smurf