posted May 16, 2000 01:37 PM            

Written By: Big Rick Rock

Well it has come to my attention that many of my bros are clueless when it comes to what women want, and know even less when it comes to how to pick up chicks at places like night clubs and bars. Well in all my years of dealing with the opposite sex (yeah guys I�m only 20) I have acquired a good amount of knowledge on the female species, but you see my knowledge has not come from just trying to bang as may chicks as possible, nope! Everything that I�ve learned has come from trying to maintain stable relationships with the women I have loved. Yes I�m one of those guys who has listened to women go on and on about what the want and what they need, and well I figured that the best I could do is share this knowledge with my bros.
I could go on and on about this subject but today I�m gonna tackle just the act of picking up women at night clubs and bars, well you could say that I�m just preaching here because most of my time I�ve spent in long term relationships, thus I haven�t really played the bar and club scene too much up until now (hurray I�m single!!!) but any how here it goes.

There are may schools of thought on this touchy subject some people say we should treat women like crap in order to win their love, while others believe that we should try some type of mental manipulation, a type of hypnotic subconscious suggestions that are suppose to help us score, and for $199.00 plus shipping and handling you too can order the Speedy Seduction System: booklets and audio tapes OR you can read my article for free here right now, my theory is that sex a one of our most primitive desires, however we are not running around butt naked in the African savanna anymore, so beating your chest and displaying your silver back won�t help you score anymore.
You see bros, I feel that if you are an average looking guy and you have at least a basic knowledge of the English language I mean enough to hold a conversation and not sound like an idiot then you should be able to pick up women with out getting burned, when I say average looking I mean ,2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth, 2 ears,1 penis (size may vary), yup so unless you have overdosed on the Growth Hormone and you have an arm growing out of your forehead then you should qualify as average looking dude, so here is the up-dated version of animal attraction.

1-BACK TO BASICS:

Before we get to the good stuff this subject has to be addressed, and it is the basic stuff thing that you should be doing without thinking about it, things that should be taken care of before you hit the club and they are:

A- Hair: yes! Cleanliness is very important, your mustache or beard should be shaved or trimmed, whiskers that grow like the weed in Moe Dank�s grow room aren�t very attractive, and neither are razor bumps so keep your face clean dude. Hair cut: yup! your hair should be styled up to date, big hair died in the 80�s nowadays chicks go more for the military clean cut look, plus if you are an older dude it�ll make you look younger.

B- Your Breath!!! Danm you ain�t talking to no girl for more that 2 seconds if your breath is kicking like Karate Guy at a fight! And it happens to all of us with out knowing it, you see when you are at a club dancing and drinking it is very easy to dehydrate thus you body limits water to your salivary glands then your dry mouth becomes a breeding ground for bacteria, and then your breath becomes hot enough to open envelopes, solution: drink plenty of water always keep gum or something sweet in your mouth to stimulate the salivary glands, and don�t eat too heavy before going to the club because you gastric acids can also do the trick, and obviously BRUSH YOUR DANM TEETH AND TONGUE!!!! (If you are doing FINA then you might as well stay home)

C- Sniff Sniff: Ok this is an give away you gotta smell good, and I don�t mean slapping on some Brute after you�ve been sweating all day, I mean really showering and putting on some good deodorant and pricey cologne, none of that cheap K-Mart shit, go to a real store and get some thing good, I�m very partial to �Clinique Happy� (don�t know what it is? well that�s why I like it) any girl will tell you how many guys approach them at the club smell like a fucking wet dog and get turned down, then again many girls can tell you how many times they have agreed to dance with a guy just so they can get a good whiff of what the guy was wearing!!!

Well some of you guys might be saying �duh�, but you would actually be surprised at how many dudes over look these simple things, with the basics being taken care of now it�s all about attitude, first here are the Don�ts:

Don�t be a Hound: yup! You�ve seen these guys at the club, they stand by the bar and holler things at every girl that walks by, some use stupid lines others use obscene gestures, these guys figure they can play the oods, if 1 out of every 20 girls that walk by actually stops to talk to them then they have scored, well actually what ends up happening is that every girl in the club will be talking about that annoying guy by the bar (they usually share this info in the ladies bathroom) and this guy will end up either alone, burned or gets his ass kicked by some girl�s boyfriend.

Don�t be Boring: you have also seen these guys at the club, they sit in the bar and don�t talk to anybody, they pretend like they don�t know there is a party going, they just sit there all night sipping the same drink and don�t even make an attempt to talk to chicks, (even though they really want to, but just don�t have the courage). They think that a girl is just gonna come up to them, well from what I know girls don�t like boring guys I mean if you just wanna sit around and drink you could have done that at home with a six pack, these guys usually end up going home alone, or some get lucky and score with the drunk chicks that stay at the club until closing, but in some states that�s illegal.

Don�t be a Stray Dog: when you where little did you ever find a stray dog on you way home from school? and what happened when you fed him you left over lunch, yes he followed you home, and you just couldn�t get rid of him, until your mom chased it out with a broom. Well just because a girl agrees to dance with you a couple of songs or lets you buy her a drink, it doesn�t mean she is ready to hook up, take a fucking hint, if she doesn�t make an effort to continue talking then maybe she is not interested, don�t keep following her around the club, don�t stand and wait for her outside of the lady�s room, if she says I�ll be right back, and doesn�t come back then guess what!!, she don�t wanna talk to you no more, your best bet is to very nicely say �it was nice meeting you, I�ll see you around� smile and then walk away, or you can stick around and get burned!!! These guys usually end up humiliated by the girls as a last resort, and his victim will turn and run away next time she sees him at the club, or even worst the girl will get the biggest guy she can find at the Bar and tell him: �please tell him you are my boyfriend so he�ll stop bothering me�.

Don�t be a Slime Ball: Oh these guys are the worst, and girl offers to shake their hand and they see this as an invitation to feel up on them, on the dance floor these guys get pushed away by their female victims constantly, they take sexual harassment to a whole new level and Bouncers have no pity on them, these guys get knocked the fuck out by Bouncers and bystanders a like, these guys are the worst, and I have the teeth marks on my fists from some of these assholes.

With all that being said, now the question remains: �so how do I pick up chicks?� well if you take into consideration that clubs and bars are full of assholes like the ones I mentioned above, then it should be pretty easy to score, if you are just an average looking dude who dresses well has good hygiene and can hold a conversation then you are in, what you need to DO is:
Do be a fun guy, go there with some friends and have a good time, if you and your friends look like you are having a good time chicks are gonna want to be part of what�s going on, they are gonna come up to you and start conversation.
Do screen the girls you come up to, don�t just come up to any girl just because you think she looks good, once you spot a girl check her out for a few minutes, see what she is up to, whom she is dancing with, some girls already have boyfriends at home and are there just to have a good time with some of the girls, if you come up to one of these girls you�ll always get turned down.
When you do approach a girl make good, fun conversation, about something interesting, last week I seen a girl with a little butterfly tattoo on her back I approach her and said something like �wow! That�s some cool ink you got there, when did you get it done?� she looked interested so then I kept on talking to her �did it hurt?, where did you get the design from?� and then I offer to show her my tattoo, since it�s on my upper back I have to lift up my shirt giving me a good excuse to display my Abs, and a few minutes later since she seemed interested I asked her to dance (and yes I can dance I�m Latino you know that!). If you come up to a girl just acting like you wanna get with her, chances are you are one of a dozen guys who have tried it that night, so you might as well be original and talk to her like you wanna get to know her and not get in her pants.
Another thing to keep in mind is when women say they want a guy to talk to them, what they actually mean is they want a guy who will ask the right questions to allow her to run her mouth the whole night, and that�s good!!! the more you know about her and the less she knows about you the better, ever been talking to a girl and then you say something like �I work at a warehouse� the she give you that look and you know it�s over, well if you know about her likes and dislikes then you�d know how to respond and make up your story to suit her vision of the perfect guy, this is only if you are not looking for a long term relationship otherwise all those lies will be exposed eventually and she�ll see you for the real sorry S.O.B that you are LOL.
A good way to meet a girl is to spot one of her friends and start a conversation with her, ask her to introduce you to her friend tell her that you are shy and don�t want to just come up to her, now the girl doesn�t know you but it will sound real cute to her that you are embarrassed and she�ll want her friend to meet you, now the girl you want doesn�t know you neither but if her friend introduces you the you have already broke through the �trust barrier� she�ll think you are an OK guy since it�s one of her friends who is introducing you, you�ll be ahead of the gam already.
Now when making conversation don�t act like you have something dirty in mind, it will make her not trust you and want to stop talking to you, and also very important:: try not to stare at her breast while you are talking to her, it may sound obvious but you�d be surprised how many times I�ve been talking to a girl with a nice set of jugs and couldn�t keep my self from staring at them it makes you look desperarte and desperate is not good!!.
Finally I hate to sound like an asshole but the most sure way to score is to wait until late and pick up on the drunk chicks right before closing time, when a woman is liquored up she drops her guard, don�t drink too much just save you money so you can buy drinks for the girl you have picked up, plus you don�t want to get a DWI on your way to the nearest Motel, now I know this is a slime ball move but some guys and girls do it all the time, one of my best friends Lenny is famous for waking up in some fat ugly chicks bed every weekend, he gets hammered and ends up going home with the nastiness girls, the sad thing is he is a good looking guy and women come up to him all the time, but he doesn�t know how to drink.
Now this is a factor to consider, It�s called the �ugly friend factor� yup! The ugly chick is always fucking it up for you, she is the one who can�t stay late because she has to go to work the next day, she is the one who want�s to go home early so she doesn�t want to go to the after party, she is also the only sober one in the group because no guy would even offer to buy her a drink, and she is the one who is driving the girls around (that�s the only reason why they hang out with her!!) so when she goes they all have to go, this fucking girls make me mad, since they get no action they wanna fuck it up for their cuter friends, well I have found a solution for this, we neutralize the ugly chick, yup we send the most desperate bastard in our group on a kamikaze mission to get with the ugly one, ( some times we send Lenny when he is drunk enough) some times we draw straws, we do what ever it takes and once the ugly troll has a possible companion for the night she will stay out as late as she has to, she�ll drive every where to all the after-hours bars, and will leave her friend alone so you can make your move!!!

Well bros this is only a small part of the big picture, if you take this for what it�s worth then you will increase your chances of scoring, you can use this knowledge to get a �quick lay in the hay�, to meet a �Kissing Friend� or even to meet the woman of your dreams� (I don�t advice looking for love at a bar or night club).
and now before the flames come on, and some fucking newbie with 62 post, opens his/her big mouth and starts talking shit you might wanna consider that it took me the better part of a week to fit time in to writing the funnyest most humorous article I could think of, so to all my real bros who will get the joke, please read and respond let me know how you feel, to all those who take it seriously then just keep the flames to a minimun.

PS: without the benefit of an editor, I know this article is filled with grammatical errors so please just keep in mind I wrote it on my free time!!!

posted May 16, 2000 03:33 PM            

no offense bro, but you still got a lot to learn when it comes to women. you'd make one hell of a comedic writer though...lol(very funny stuff)

posted May 16, 2000 03:34 PM            

Dont be embarrassed for moe he is doing just fine................

posted May 16, 2000 07:44 PM            

Although you could have said,

"Take a shower. Be yourself. Realize that sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue."

I am the Skywalker.

posted May 17, 2000 10:58 AM            

DISCLAIMER: This was a funny part of the movie I am not eddie murphy so excuse my delivery. I didn't say it, so dont flame me.

posted May 22, 2000 02:50 AM            

Platinum

posted June 05, 2000 08:00 PM            

(we wish you the best of luck bro , all the bros know what you are going thru!)