posted March 31, 2000 03:22 PM            

Okay, Here's What Really Happened...

Monday at the gym: One of those excessively pretty boys who looked as if he had just stepped out of Barbie's Dreamhouse interrupted my squat session by saying, "Hey, guys, I was noticing that you're going, like, way past parallel when you squat." We only stared at him blankly. He continued, unabashed, "Yeah, well, I thought I should tell you that doing it this way is, like, really bad on the knees and stuff." I began to contemplate the distance to the back of his head by way of his frontal lobe. Mr. Unsolicited Advice then said, "Maybe you should use the Smith machine until you learn proper form."

"Could I get his head under a weight stack before someone tried to stop me?" I thought. Instead, I politely told him that there were different schools of thought on that issue, and I preferred full squats. Thinking that the conversation was over, I got back under the bar. "But wait," Malibu Ken said, "You don't understand. See, I'm a personal trainer." You know, it's tough to squat while you're laughing.

Tuesday at the gym: The chicks on the bench beside me have Bill Phillip's "Body For Life" book opened on the floor. They do one set and then write in their training logs, or whatever, for about ten minutes before they do another set. I'm not sure what they're recording besides their sets and reps. Maybe Bill has his flock record their goals, feelings, and ten reasons why they're "very special" or some such Tony Robbins-ish happy horseshit.

After another ten minutes of writing, one chunky chick turns to the other and says, "I'm gong to lower my weight next time so I won't get too big." It's also tough to bench while laughing.

Thursday at the gym: The manager tells me that I'm not allowed to bring in my Swiss ball anymore. He said, "That thing just looks totally unstable�you guys could hurt yourselves!" It's very difficult to perform Poliquin's lean-away eccentric dumbbell curls on a Swiss ball while laughing, so I think I cried a little, instead.

Friday: TC calls me up and asks if I'd like to torture and ridicule a bunch of personal trainers, then write an article about it. "After this week," I said, "that just might be therapeutic."


A popular personal training certification agency was holding its annual "Fitness On Call" event where anyone could phone in and ask questions about training and diet. We decided to call up and test their knowledge�or lack thereof�and here's what happened.

I decided to get things started with a bang and ask the "panel of experts" (including Karen Voight, dubbed "workout video star!") what they thought of using short and relatively mild steroid cycles:

"No way would that be safe," replied the excessively perky PT. "What most steroid users don't realize is that they're placing themselves at great risk for something that they could achieve on their own."

"But I feel as if I've reached my genetic limitations and would like to add another 10-15 pounds of muscle. I think that it can be done safely," I said.

"No, experts agree that the effects of steroids are minimal. Plus, you can get acne, experience hypertension, develop breasts, increase your risk of heart attack, and other side effects can be fatal!"

"I was going to use an anti-estrogen like Clomid to combat most of the side effects. I'd choose certain steroids that have minimal negative effects. Plus, I have an 'expert' of my own to design a stack for me."

"Well, I don't know what that Clo stuff is, but steroids kill�you really should reconsider taking them."

"Really?" I asked, pretending to be swayed, "How many people die every year from steroid use?"

"Oh," she said, "like thousands!"

On a side note, this organization also states on its website that steroid research is unethical. I'm sure that those who suffer from AIDS and other wasting diseases aren't too happy to hear that one!

I figured since I was dealing with such an expert, I'd ask her a few questions about supplements. First I inquired about Tribulus:

"Uh, I haven't heard of that."

"ZMA?"

"No, haven't heard of that one, either."

"Methoxy-7? Ribose? Guggul extract? Yohimbine? L-norephedrine?"

"Sorry, I'm not familiar with that stuff. Listen, all you need is a good multivitamin, okay? The average exerciser is unlikely to benefit from expensive supplements."

Yeah, I thought, but who the hell wants to be average?

Before I could hang up on Tiffany (or maybe it was Heather, since all female PTs seem to be named one or the other), she asked for my name and address so that she could send me�and I quote�"more cutting-edge information." Sure, I said. I can only wonder if their cutting-edge info will be about those newfangled amino acid and desiccated liver tablets.

"It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong."


�Voltaire



The next fitness terrorist that I got on the line wasn't much better. I explained to her that my goal was to add muscle, and I asked her how much cardio I should do, if any:

"You'll always need to add in some cardio to your routine�at least 20 minutes, three times a week for starters. Then, work your way up to 30 minutes, four times a week."

"Can't I just take short rest periods between sets and keep my heart rate up?" I asked.

"Oh, sure, then when you're finished you can get on the treadmill."

"But isn't too much aerobic activity catabolic?"

"No, it's great for getting toned muscles."

Ayyyy! Listen, once and for all, your heart doesn't know the difference between step aerobics and really vigorous whacking off! The aerobic industry just keeps coming up with different ways to raise your heart rate so that you won't get bored.

Sure, they try to promote Tae-Bo as a self-defense lesson, too. But in reality, if you tried to pull some Tae-Bo on an attacker, you'd get your ass beat down in about five seconds!

You want to get some cardio? You don't have to join an aerobics class or jump on the latest elliptical fitness gadget. You could stand in the living room and do jumping jacks, for all that matters. It's strange to think that an entire business has evolved around raising the heart rate! Get the hell out of the gym or the house and shoot some baskets, for gosh sakes!

I don't think that I can even discuss the "toned muscles" comment with having a conniption. I then asked what I needed to do in the way of ab training:

"Just remember that the muscles of the stomach are endurance muscles, so you need to do high reps. Also, you need to do a few movements on the floor and avoid most machines since they just, you know, make the abs have that cut look."

What the holy heck did she just say? First of all, according to Poliquin, the abs are made up primarily of fast-twitch fibers, so multiple sets of low reps with resistance of some sort would be better for ab training. Second, the muscles of the stomach are smooth and can only be "trained" by eating something. I'm pretty sure that she meant to say abdominals�but at this point, I wasn't positive. As for how ab machines get you cut, I haven't a clue.

"Nothing is more dangerous than an idea. That is, when you have only one."


�Alain



The next mental giant that I spoke with taught me some interesting things about rep selection based on your sex. According to Ms. Einstein, I should always do about ten reps in every exercise. My wife, on the other hand, should always do 15-25 reps, especially if she wants to keep her weight down. When asked about time under tension, she replied:

"Yes, you're right�always use enough weight so that you're under tension."

Sheesh! Apparently, this "trained professional" believed that women should use light weights and high reps so that they won't get "too many" muscles.

Many PTs I've run into also maintain that "heavy weights are for men only because women don't want big muscles." I thought about explaining to her that when female athletes want to get stronger without adding bodyweight, they train heavily in the one to four rep range. However, I didn't want to give the poor thing a migraine with such a radical new concept.

Here's a selection of other cutting-edge info that I picked up:

� A bagel before training will give you energy, so you don't need artificial stimulants.

The password is "glycemic index," folks!

� You can get a great workout by gardening and tone up by using a soup can for resistance.

Gee, and I was about to lay down 400 bucks for a squat rack�but a couple of cans of Campbell's Chicken and Stars will be much cheaper!

� According to a question posted on their website ("Is a vegetarian diet a wise choice for athletes who need to maintain their strength and stamina?"), the answer is "yes."

Uh-huh. My Grow!-chugging, meat-eating daughter could kick the atrophied asses of most vegetarians! Did I mention that she's two years old?

� A 160-pound man will burn about 12.4 calories per minute by jogging, or 372 calories during a 30-minute jog.

How precise! But what about his fat versus lean body mass percentage? What if he's a little guy with high bodyfat? Or what if he weighs 160 pounds, but it's all lean muscle? What if he popped some MD6 before his run? What about the ten calories he'll burn tying his shoes? What about the time of day he runs and the type of food he's eaten?

Oh, well, who cares? That would require thinking, after all, and I was beginning to learn that such activities had no place in the personal-training biz! Besides, who the hell wants to jog for 30 minutes, anyway?

� If weight control is your goal, low-impact aerobics like walking, step classes, and aerobic dance are your best bets.

Must not stalk and kill personal trainers. Must not listen to the voices. Voices bad! Bad! (How much money do you think that it would take to get Poliquin into a low-impact dance class? I'll throw $100 into the hat. You in?)

posted March 31, 2000 05:39 PM            

Anyway, yesterday he brought his girlfriend to the gym(a really fat girl) and she started working out. Me and my training partner had our armday and we had just started on our workout. We are not the smallest guys in the gym(me at 290 solid pounds and 19 inch arms) and she just sat there and watched us doing barbell curl.

Then her boyfriend comes over to her and says: "Thats how you are going to look if you don't stretch after your workout. To get big, bodybuilders don't stretch at all and thats also why they often get injuries!"
That was the end of that training pass, we just couldn't keep us from laughing, so we took some sun instead.

Don't flame me for the english please, I'm from fucking NORWAY.

posted March 31, 2000 06:19 PM            

thats some funny shit man!!!

go norway!

posted March 31, 2000 06:53 PM            

2 huge rooms full of aerobisicers. some scatted free weight equipment.

naturally i stared at the bouncing asses for a few minutes before trying to peice together a workout in this shithole.

in the corner of the "free weight" area was this spazzo doing god knows what with cables and handles and shit. he was way to spastic to ask to spot me and i had to hunt down some guy from across the gym to spot me benching.

guess who the spazzo with the cables turns out to be? you guessed it, the personal trainer. people actually pay this guy!!!!

un-fucking-believable... where do these idiots come from, and how do we cut off the supply.

posted April 01, 2000 03:18 AM            

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lift eat grow!!!