my other brother, who i am close to, went to jail about 2 years ago. he was a dean's list college student, never been in trouble before, a nice guy, and the only person he ever got into a fight with was me. he got thirty years in jail for selling drugs but they have murderers in there with him with only 5 and 10 years. rapists with 10 and 20. robbers with.....you get the point. that was pretty hard for me. luckily i had my girlfriend of 5 years there to help me out and keep me sane.

my parents are married still but to be honest with you they shouldnt be. the dont really get along. my dad is now out $300,000(not exaggerated) of his own money that he has saved from working at a chemical company for when he retires now all he has is the half-assed pension. that takes its toll on me knowing that i was a part of his downfall. he is too nice for his own good and will sacrifice everything for his kids who just fuck him over (me included).

next we get to the girl. we were together for five years. i loved her as much if not more than my family. we were having some problems but nothing major so i figured we would get through it. she left me about 2 years ago and i really dont think i am fully recovered from that. thats when the suicidal thoughts started to enter my mind. i have never thought of killing myself cuz i didnt want to. now i dont do it so my parents will have at least one son left. they have been through too much. all this stuff has been mutliplied by me fighting with my family everyday now. its one big war sometimes. all of us are stressed out. none more than me. all of this has taken it toll on my grades and my body. i have pretty much lost them both for now.

next we get to the present girlfriend. i started dating her about 8 or 9 months ago. i have passed on hoes left and right until this girl. we started dating and i really started to care for her. she took away the stress when i was with her and she was cool as hell. i have only cared for 2 girls in my life and she was the second. anyway we started having problems a couple of months ago. it is worse than ever now.

next we go back to my brother that is in jail. well he tried to kill himself in jail and i was the lucky one who got the phone call the next morning. i also was so lucky as to see him in the hospital in a fucking coma with tubes in his throat. the chronology is a little off here cuz my girl left me after this but for our immediate purposes we dont need to be perfect.

every phone call i get from the jail, everytime i see my ex, everytime i fight with my parents. it all adds up. some people say if it dont kill you it only makes you stronger. well all of this has ate at my mental state little by little. i have and still do think of suicide. i cant sleep no matter how tired i am. i never get a good nights sleep. like i said though my parents have been throught enough so i'm stayin around for now.

this is the bulk of the stress in my life. i have more but i'm tired of typing. i try to deal with it but i no longer know how to deal with it. i try to block it all out but it gets worse. i try to talk to someone but noone is there. i try to make sense out of something that is senseless. i keep trying but keep failing. i have no clue what to do about any of this.

people say that god will not give us more than we can handle at once. well i say that they have never gone through one half of what i am or you are or someone similar.

i say to you---when you find inner peace, email me cuz i have looked everywhere else!!!

GLAD TO HEAR SOMEONE CAN RELATE TO ME