The Other Things Your Mom
Never Told You About Being Big
by Jason Mueller

Do you remember being that starry-eyed kid, looking at your first bodybuilding magazine, and the associated dreams that ran through your head? Ahh, if I could only be that big, all the ladies would love me. If I could only be that big, no one will ever pick on me. If I work out long and hard, I'll be that big and always be the center of attention. And not be able to sit on an airplane. Or wipe my own ass. Or have sex for more than two minutes without calling the paramedics. Wait just a damn minute, I didn't sign on for this shit!

Welcome To Pygmy Airlines
For most people, flying is a mildly pleasant experience. For a large bodybuilder, it's a complicated lesson in physics. How does one fit 300+ lbs of muscular mass into a seat designed for someone half that size? Come fly the unfriendly skies

Over the past year, I've had the misfortune of having to fly quite a bit. Like everyone else out here on the West Coast, I fly Southwest. The Greyhound bus of airlines if you will.

"Welcome to flight 349 with service from Sacramento to Ontario, CA. This will be a full flight. Boarding will begin shortly."

Shit. To their credit, I've rarely been on a Southwest flight that wasn't packed to the gills. To my detriment, this makes me as welcome as a reggae band at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. No one wants to sit next to me. Everyone is praying I won't sit next to him. Fortunately for the average passenger, my seatmate criteria are based on an entirely different set of values than most. Your normal passenger might look for someone who's attractive or looks interesting. Not me. I choose based on weight. Quite frankly, the smaller you are, the better I like it. My dream is to catch the flight carrying a planeload of anorexic midgets to a convention.

I can honestly say I can relate to the prejudices fat people face. You know how it is if you've already gotten a seat, you're checking on the boarding human cargo just as much as they're evaluating you. And here I come, lumbering down the aisle, quickly taking inventory of each passenger's dimensions. I can almost hear what everyone's thinking:

"Please God, don't let that big son-of-a-bitch sit next to me. I'll be good. Really, I will."

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

"Shit!"

Nice Outfit
We can explain the ridiculous clothing seen on most bodybuilders with a simple equation. The more successful you are in the sport, the less successful you'll be in finding garments that don't make you look like an idiot. Mathematically speaking bodybuilding success = dressing like a buffoon.

Within the milieu of bodybuilding, you'll find a variety of different fashion styles. Let's take a look at some of these.

The 24-Hour Bodybuilder
We've all seen this guy. Every piece of clothing he has tells us he's a lifter. Every top has the words, "Extreme", "Hardcore", or "Bodybuilding" on it. Every pair of pants looks like a bad cross between the fashion styles of Bozo the Clown and Prince Ali Baba of Arabia. This is the kind of guy who wears a boat neck and clown pants on a first date. His only dress shirt has a Max Muscle label.

Last year at the Olympia, we witnessed a guy dressed in a powerlifting suit, carrying around a huge igloo cooler on a shoulder strap. Now, you see every kind of dress at the Olympia, I'm sure if you were there you caught the blond guy in the hot pants and cowboy boots (now that's fashion!). However, Mr. Powerlifter struck me as particularly pathetic. It's obvious that looking at someone like this that their life is completely one-dimensional, and anything beyond the scope of reps, sets, nutrition, and steroids is completely out of bounds. I'm all for dedication, but guys like this reek of obsession!

Mr. Muscles
Mr. Muscles is particularly pathetic. Every article of clothing he purchases is 2 sizes two small and made of that stretchy material that's similar to Lycra. This guy looks like 20 gallons of shit poured into a 15-gallon bag. This is the kind of guy that makes people ridicule bodybuilders, because he's a walking stereotype. Hey, I've seen guys in outfits so tight it looked like they were wearing a blood pressure cuff.

Buying clothes as a bodybuilder certainly is a challenge. It's kind of depressing to walk through the mall and realize that every outfit you see is going to be too small. I particularly like trying to buy dress clothes. It's almost impossible. I guess that's why you don't see too many bodybuilders running around in suits, huh? About 2 years ago I had a job that required me to wear a suit to work every day. So, I go to the Men's Warehouse and try to buy clothes. The lady assures me that they'll have pants that fit me. She neglected to say that the waist would be 4 sizes too large. All I can say is, good luck finding clothes.

Excuse Me. Do You Workout?
A lot of people go into bodybuilding to get noticed. I know I did. I got tired of being the skinny kid that people picked on and decided to lift weights. Pretty soon, I developed a love for the sport that transcended my desire to capture peoples attention, and now I body build simply to see how far I can develop my body. Now, at first the attention you get is nice. And I must admit, it's still cool to go somewhere and be the center of attention. However, the larger you get, the more attention you're going to attract. And the more attention you attract, the more inane and asinine the questions become.

My favorite is the ever popular, "Do you workout?" I know, people are just trying to break the ice. It's just that I've been approached with this line so many times that it's now extremely humorous. Bodybuilders wear their sport. It's almost akin to a football player wearing full pads and a helmet 24 hours a day or a jockey wearing his uniform and leading around a horse all the time. I certainly wouldn't walk up to one of these guys and say, "Hey pal, do you play football?" or "Excuse me, buddy. Do you ride horses?" So, every time I get asked this question, it's playtime. "Actually, no, I don't workout. My parents did a tremendous amount of drugs in the '60's" That's always a good one. How about, "We'll I used to, before I injured myself. I haven't trained with weights now for about five years." Now that's always a killer because the person asking you is usually some young kid who wants to know how you got so big. Telling him you haven't trained with weights for five years is going to blow his mind.

Here's another classic. Everyone knows somebody about your size, if not bigger. "Yeah, my cousins about your size, maybe a bit bigger. He starts high school this year." Really? Wow, that's amazing, can I see a picture? Old people are the worst at this. I used to hang around a lot with my grandfather and listen to him and his old cronies lie to each other. Somehow, somebody my size would get worked into every story. "I remember back, oh must a been about '36 when I was playing' ball for Ole Miss. Damn near the whole team was bigger than your grandson there I tell you. Smarter too." Of course, you can't get mad at people for this, it's simply their way of dealing with envy. I always wonder if I going to reach a point where I don't have to listen to shit like this anymore, you know, a point where people just say, "Yeah, my cousin�. fuck I can't lie to you, damn you're big!" I doubt it. Nasser, Dillet, and Coleman probably listen to this shit 10 times a day.

Finally, there's the measurement question. "How big are your arms?" Now for the most part, the average person has no idea what constitutes a big arm measurement. Sure, we as bodybuilders know that anything over 20" is pretty impressive. However, anyone who has any bodybuilding knowledge rarely ask you this question. So, have a little fun. "Let's see, last time I measured them they were 30 inches." It's always amusing to tell a group of kids something like this. Their response is hilarious. "Wow man, did you hear that? His arms are 30 inches! I can't wait to get my arms that big too!" For most people, telling them your actual arm size is about as meaningful as reading the specs for your carburetor. You can say anything and they'll be impressed.