I know exactly what you're thinking: "Oh, shit! They let that sick bastard Schuh write another 'Howl' column. What's wrong with those guys at Testosterone?" Let me tell you, there's plenty wrong with those guys at Testosterone, but they've got the balls to let me write this lunacy, so they can't be all that bad!

Well, what are we here for today? I just have to go off on all the fat sons-of-bitches in gyms across America who try to pass themselves off as bodybuilders. It's gotten to the point where I can't decide if the sport is called bodybuilding or fat building.

I've been in gyms for about 25 years now and I've seen too many weird things to even mention�stuff that would make me go find the nearest concrete wall and mash my forehead into it for a few sets of 12-15. The thing that's got my forehead bleeding as of late, though, is the growing (literally) proportion of just plain fat-ass fucks walking around gyms with their perpetual lat spreads (PLS)�or, should I say, fat spreads�and their 45-inch waists!

Obviously, some of these porridge pots are powerlifters, and there's a big difference between bodybuilding and powerlifting. Powerlifters don't give a lizard's meat porpoise (or should that be porpoise's meat lizard? Aw, screw it!) about what they look like. They want to get big, strong, and ugly. Bodybuilders, on the other hand, are after an "ideal" physique that should be devoid of excess adipose tissue and have good size, shape, and symmetry. I will offer that, yes, much of this is genetically predisposed, but genetics is used as a crutch to justify gluttony way too many times.

How is it that people are confusing being "big" with being fat??? The other day, this guy at my gym was talking shit about how his arms were up to 21 inches, etc, etc, etc. I remember that we used to have a bunch of women who worked in the school cafeteria who had arms that were at least 28 inches. Big fucking deal! Who cares how big your arms are if your body fat is over 30% and you have to buy one of those bungee cords just to measure your waist?

Big guys are a dime a dozen. That's why you see so many wannabe choads working as bouncers and eating their D-Bol and Anadrol like Little Miss Muffet and her curds and whey. What's the purpose of being big and taking copious amounts of drugs if you're never going to compete? Of course, I'm being unfair here�some of these fat slobs are natural fat slobs, and they achieved their bountiful proportions without the aid of drugs. Let's give credit where credit is due. Maybe they can enter a show for natural fat slobs. Anyhow, I've never understood this phenomenon.

It's my misfortune to have a lot of these pork bellies working out at my gym. Maybe I can purge some of my venom by writing about them. Keep in mind that these are real people, but I've changed their names to protect them from the potential embarrassment of people stopping to point at them and shout, "Look, there's one of the losers Schuh wrote about in his column!"

Mr. Squeaky

This Buttmunch works the desk. He looks to be maybe 20-22 years old. I've seen this fart knocker about 200 times, and he never smiles and never speaks. He's one of those guys you see in gyms all around the country�pathetic wannabes that are so desperate to be part of the gym scene that they forgo relationships, education, and a normal job, all for the glory of sitting on a dunce stool behind a desk and handing out sweat towels.

Just the other day, I had to get new stickers on my membership card, and he actually spoke a couple of syllables. I now know why he doesn't speak�this guy sounds like Bart Simpson with his nuts being bitten by Wayne Demilia!!! I was drinking some Gatorade, and I barely made it around the corner before it was shooting out of my nose like a ruptured fire hydrant. This guy has the PLS and acts like he's "big," but, of course, he's just a fatty with the frame of a mastodon. My guess is that he's trying to compensate for the voice and a 2-inch trouser trout.

I could easily forgive him for looking like Jabba the Hutt if he didn't have the personality to match.

Synthol Man

Here's another big fat inbreeder who thinks that being 6'2" and 275 pounds is admirable. He has a big chest and torso and an obese waist, but he has no appendages. If his skin was a little bit more brown, I swear he'd look just like one of those Mr. Potato Head dolls. I kept thinking that I should urge him to organize a search party to look for his arms and calves. Then, out of the blue, he comes in and I notice he's gained some size in his calves. Puzzled, I was able to take a closer look and noticed that both calves were of different sizes and different shapes. They also had no size when looking from the front or rear, but were ridiculously wide from the side. He looked like he had inserted a pork chop in one calf and a New York Strip steak in the other. The best part, though, was the huge bruises. This nut had turned his calves into giant pincushions, injecting synthol like your momma injects butter into the Thanksgiving Day turkey. Who does this bozo think he's fooling? I asked him if a swarm of wasps had singled out his calves for revenge. He just kind of stammered and said, "Uhhh, yeah!"

What's up with this kind of shit? How can one see something so radically different in the mirror than the world sees? I mean, if you're going to go the artificial augmentation route, for God's sake, do a good job or get some bona fide implants. If a woman wants bigger breasts, she doesn't make a hole, insert a Cheez Whiz dispenser, and let 'er rip. She goes to the doctor! Sheesh!

Fatman and Bobbin

Fatman is the guy who was bragging about having 21-inch arms. I finally saw Fatman out of his seven layers of clothes today, and he was actually wearing short sleeves. Twenty-one-inch arms? Sure, and when I flush the toilet, I've got to coil up my dick lest it get flushed down and resurface in the neighbor lady's toilet! He's looking at 18 inches�maybe�and the rest is just several years' worth of pancakes, pork rinds, and bacon cheeseburgers!

The guy's pupick hangs out like Nick's clit hangs over its posing trunks! This bung beater is no spring chicken, either. He's been using tons of juice for years and has never stepped on stage. Even funnier and more pathetic is "Bobbin," his training partner. They look just like that old cartoon with the big bulldog and the little dog that idolized him who jumped around him kissing his ass. Fatman moves around, and Bobbin returns all of the weights, and I suspect he even wipes for Fatman in the john! I have never seen Bobbin's traps, but they must be huge, as he's constantly pulling all of the weight when Fatman benches.

Fatman always wears tights, too. These also help to accentuate his girlish figure. I would love to sit and interview him and see what he really thinks about his "build."

Humptee and Dumptee

I spied these smegma tasters a few weeks back. Both were maybe 5'6" and wore ponderous amounts of clothing�kind of like homeless people who wear everything they own�and bloated beyond recognition. The two had on "rag dos," the special giant tops with the hood on them, baggies, and their Ottomix shoes�you know, the usual musclehead attire. The two most glaring oddities were their total lack of strength and total lack of legs. Both of these guys were over 200 pounds and were barely getting 70-pound dumbbells up for inclines! It was apparent that they were on some heavy androgens, so how could they be so fucking weak?

I figure that there are two reasons for wearing baggies, and one of them has to fit the bill for these guys. First is that you actually have big legs and nothing else will fit. Or, you have no legs and are trying to hide that fact. After watching them for a while, I figured that these two fit into the latter category. But why-oh-why spend so much time in the gym and neglect to train your legs? I really love those "do rags," too. I wonder where I can get one? Maybe TC still has a few from those bad hair days.

Anna Nicole Smith

You're probably asking, "Rob, what's bad about training next to Anna Nicole Smith?" Normally, that wouldn't be a problem, unless you actually tried to engage her in conversation and fell quickly into a coma-like sleep. This particular "Anna Nicole Smith" happens to be a guy with humongous gyno, though! I'm not talking about a little "Ronnie Coleman" swelling here, either. I'm talking about porn star implants! This guy also wears about three layers of clothes, and his nips are still a-poppin' like Orville Redenbacher! If I kinda' blur my eyes, I find myself getting a little excited.

I can only speculate that this freakish look is from past androgen use, as he looks like a fat guy with big ol' breastesses. I actually saw the guy standing behind the gym with those suction things that they hook up to cow udders. There was a big milk truck back there, and you could hear the prolactin whistling through the hoses like a fitness babe sucking the chrome off a bumper. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to buy any dairy products from that company any more!

I think I've given you a peek (as if you need one) into what a fucked up "sport" bodybuilding can be. I've said many times that I get alternately scared and disgusted to think that I've been so closely involved with an activity that seems to cultivate these types of sicknesses. I think that I may have to interview a shrink sometime and see if there can be any type of definitive psychological explanation for much of this behavior. I see so many guys that act like they're huge, yet they look like total shit. Similarly, there are also many guys who are huge and still look like shit. The common thread seems to be the shared delusion that they all look good to others.

One comment that Arnold once made really rings true here. He was asked about guys who wear tight fitting clothing�you know, guys who try to show off what they think they have. I'm paraphrasing here, but Arnold said something to the effect that, if you have a little BMW, you want to race the hell out of it because it's just going to go 110. But if you see guys driving a Ferrari or Lamborghini, they slide around at 60 on the freeway because they know that if they press on the accelerator, they're going to go 170.

All I'm saying is that you should take an honest look at your body and determine your strengths and weaknesses. Don't worry about whether you're big or not. In my book, a guy who weighs 170 but is ripped and proportionate is light years ahead of the 250-pound guy who's body fat is 20- or 30-something and grunts like Homer Simpson when he sits down.

{This was a reply from a reader, but it's just as funny}:

Rob Schuh's last article was excellent. He basically summed up what goes on in about 99% of gyms (Louie Simmons' gym may be the only exception). The Howl got me thinking about my own gym, so I thought that I would share some little pet peeves of my own:

The Fat Dick with Tits

I use this term to describe a particular gentleman in my gym who has been going for at least the past three years. It seems that I can't escape a workout without seeing this lard-ass. This guy is a mess. He is very overweight, sweats profusely, and doesn't shut the fuck up! I warn you to never make eye contact with this guy, or else you'll have to endure hours of advice and nonsense about proper form and dieting tips. Who the hell is this fat boy to give advice? One time I overheard him talking with a poor victim that he cornered about how he doesn't want to get big or cut�he just wants to be healthy. Guess what, fatty? You're going to be dead of a heart attack in two months and you look like shit. It's commendable that you "work out" (or, at least, show up) at the gym, but you eat like a starved friggin' pig. In two months, when word gets around the gym that the fat dick with tits died while doing 15 sets of leg press, I can't say that I will be surprised or sad.

Anorexic Anabelle

Here is a woman in need of serious counseling, or an eight-course meal, whichever comes first. She is another person that is always at the gym doing her total body circuit training. This chick is pathetic. Her arms are like bony spaghetti attached to a frail skeleton. There's no way that this woman weighs more than 85 pounds. She has serious issues. After her two-hour marathon workout, she hops on the bike and peddles for another 45 minutes. I don't know which is going to happen first�will the wind blow her off the face of the Earth, or will she simply drop dead of heart failure? Anyone want to place a bet?

Quarter-Squatting Quiffboys

Here are the most annoying fags in the gym. There is not just one particular group of these guys, they are numerous and widespread. The plague has swept through my gym at a rapid pace, and now only a very select few are immune. The disease in question is the big weights, half-inch range of motion squatting technique. This really upsets me the most out of anything. These people will throw on insanely heavy weights (much more than they should be using), get under the bar, and proceed to bang out "sets" of pathetically short ROM reps. These guys will scream and grunt in pain as they thrust the bar up from the one-inch descent. They want everyone in the gym to see them under the bar with heavy weights. Little do they know they look like real assholes, and their toothpick legs are all that anyone really pays attention to.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive to my surroundings. Maybe I'm going to hell for my statements. You know what, though? Who the fuck cares? At least I know that I look better and am not as retarded as the individuals I mentioned.

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"Mr. Phillips, are you honestly telling me that people are really going to believe that I'm the 'before,' and he's the 'after'?"