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 Married guys...What would you do..???
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| Author | Topic: Married guys...What would you do..??? | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder 
Posts: 228 |
What would you do in this situation? Let's say you have been married for 4 years. You have had a very good marriage without any problems. You and your wife get along good, and you are sure that she loves you. One day, you come across some information that you never knew. About 4 weeks before you and your wife were married, (4 yrs ago)she attended a batchlorette party for one of her friends. At the end of the night she and two of her friends hooked up with three guys, and went back to one of the guys' place. Your wife hooked up with one of the guys and slept with him. There was no sex, just kissing etc. You have always been aware of this batchlorette party, but you never knew that your wife (fiance at the time) hooked up with another guy that night. She never told you about it. How would you handle this? By the way, the guy she hooked up with lives in the same town as you. You know who he is, but do not know him personally.     | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder 
Posts: 979 |
no sex, no problems, but she should have fessed up just not to look bad. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1447 |
No sex, it's still cheating. Have you confronted her about this, or is she the one who told you. It was four years ago so I'd let it pass, but make sure she knows that she used her only get out of jail free card. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 100 |
You've been married for four years. Who cares what happened in the past..why would you put yourself through all that and start questioning your marriage. The past is the past. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1057 |
If she did it then, I guarantee she has done it again. (while you were married) | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 104 |
How would you want her to handle it if it were the other way around? I say forget it. | ||
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Cool Novice 
Posts: 39 |
Ditto to Rotten's post as it happened 4 years ago, and apparently hasn't happened again (you're sure of this?), I would let it go following a clear discussion with her that the next time = game over | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 28 |
Not a big deal when you really think about it. It was probably a big drunken mistake. I don't think it should affect your relationship. I would've never admitted it. | ||
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Moderator 
Posts: 2288 |
Well, I'm a single guy, but I'll throw this out there: it was a bachelorette party, so she was probably near blind drunk. So she probably figured "hey - this is my last single encounter...." (hence: bachelorette party) but she had enough sense to leave it at kissing. it was four years ago. Are you the same person you were back then? Neither is she. Let it go. Another interesting point: This guy lives in the same town.....at that time, did he know she was engaged? If he did....well that's a pretty shitty thing to do and you should do a pretty shitty thing to him. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 134 |
If you can let it go --Then do so--But if you cant then you are going to be headed for some major problems down the road. 4 weeks before your wedding is pretty tough. If you decide to forgive her --fine --but keep your eyes open--and if you really want it to work out then ---say what you have to say to her and let it go---dont use it against her or you will be headed for problems---Get your advice from people that are not close to you and her or I for see problems in friendships happening. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 228 |
Thanks for the replys guys. She and I have talked about this. She was very surprised - shocked - when I told her I knew about it. She became very upset, and said that she regretted it ever happening. I pretty much told her not to worry about it, but it better not ever happen again. Also, I am thinking along the same lines as Matt. I am going to find out if this guy knew she was engaged. If he did, then he is going to be sorry. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 146 |
I would confront her about and let her know you know about it and tell her how you feel. And if you forgive her, then that's it, you are not allowed to bring up that incident again once you say all is forgiven. Everyone deserves a seconed chance. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 52 |
Jaysee.....take care of business!!!! Glad to hear it all worked out. Thats exactly what I would have done too. good luck bro | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
I'd still be very suspicious of her. I wouldn't punish her for that particular incedent per-se, but somebody that would do that has very likely cheated on you since OR would cheat on you under the right set of circumstances. And as much as you don't want to believe it, she probably did a lot more than just kiss the guy. Sorry. I think I'd have a REAL hard time trusting her for awhile, no matter how long ago it was. Drunk or not, that's no excuse. You're supposed to be the love of her life. Don't tell her it's not a big deal either, that excuses the behavior. It is a big deal, you're on a chat board talking about it. If she doesn't think you care... Question: does she have guy friends outside of work? Do you let her go out with male friends alone? Are you happy in the relationship or do you feel like you sacrifice alot and you're never able to satisfy her? Do you tend to make excuses for stuff you don't like about her or her actions? Also, the fact that SHE didn't ever tell you worries me too. Yeah, people want to avoid conflict, but if she really felt guilty and was honest with you, she would have told you. I'd start examining things pretty damn closely, maybe all is good, but maybe it's not. I wish you the best of luck. Not trying to be harsh, but I've been through this shit, I know how it works. Make sure you are REAL with yourself and your situation. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 979 |
I take offense to that machine...I dont have any female friends (except one I see a couple times a year and another who lives out of province) and I have never even thought of screwing around on my boy. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
Yeah, but you don't have a track record of cheating on your boy, now do you? ------------------ | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 28 |
I'm sorry but I totally disagree with The Machine. That's being crazy. If you start that you're going to destroy the relationship. People make mistakes. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
quote: If you start what? ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 979 |
No.......but a long time ago with another guy i kissed someone else and it was just kissing...the boy knows this, and we both agree that its not very cool, but not dump your ass screwing around either. In fact, we got into a heated debate with our buddies about it...fact is, to girls, kissing and sex have nothing to do with each other, but apparently to guys it IS sex. Go figure. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 818 |
I tend to agree with The Machine. Yes the past is the past and you should let it go. I wouldn't be bothered by the act as much as I would be bothered by the fact that she would even think about lusting for another man just four weeks before she was to be married to somebody. That would be bothersome to me. Saying things like, "oh it was a bachlorette party" or "it was her last hu-rah!" or whatever is simply making excuses for inappropriate behavior. I don't care what the circumstances are, your fiance should never put her hands on another man in a lustful manner. Period. -TG
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Cool Novice
Posts: 28 |
If you start questioning everywhere she goes or wondering who she has lunch with. I don't think he should have a total lack of trust because of something that happened 4 years ago. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 134 |
You are going to forgive her and she knew she was engaged and you want to know if that guy knew she was engaged and he will pay if he did --Dude that sounds so stupid-- You want to make someone pay that doesnt even no you. She did it --Not him-- Leave him to the outside of your relationship or you are diff. going to be headed for problems If you are that upset and cant let it go, fine but you are blaming the wrong person. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
If it can be verified beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was JUST kissing, then sure, no harm-no foul. Whatever. However, we're all (mostly) grown-ups here. How many REALLY believe that she spent the night at this dude's house and THAT's all that happened? C'mon, open your eyes. Now, JaySee, don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing this on you by any means -- and I'm not trying to disrespect you or the relationship that you have. If you REALLY know it was just kissing, let it go. Otherwise, examine things to see if there's anything bad there, if there's not, great, if there is... start assessing your situation. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
quote: I'm not suggesting that he should have a total lack of trust. I'm just suggesting that he should be DAMN sure he's being real with himself about his relationship and what happened. Bottom line, I'm just asking that he makes sure he's not getting played. What she (probably) did was serious and is a sign of a major character flaw. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
quote: I'm afraid my wife would have a major problem with it if she caught me swapping spit with another hottie. Maybe I could use this argument to explain it to her ------------------ | ||
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Pro Bodybuilder 
Posts: 301 |
Get over it..you weren't married | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 979 |
LOL...Machine..Ive been screwed around on before...if all they're doing is swapping spit then Im not worrying too much...however, my boy is loyal as a dog so it the least of my worries....alcoholic drug addict? Yup...philanderer? no. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 139 |
quote: How do you know this, she said so, Yeah right, to cover her ass now. I'm sorry bro but something else happened that night. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 134 |
The only way I would assume that she did not have sex, would to be if you told me that she was a virgin until you were married. You sound like a decent guy, I just hate to see you get played. Anytime someone resorts to crying and all that bullshit--it is a sign of her distracting the issue. Looks like it worked--For most people who mess around on their mate and are forgivin, be assured that it can happen again..Im not saying this did happen but my advice is to let it go with her and find another way of coming to the truth--Dont let her know your searching. I would be cool to the guy that did it and flat out tell him your not upset at him but you just want to know the truth. Then just tell him Dude this is my wife and if she is still out their fucking around I want to know about it. Help me out, For the people that say it happend before the marrige, let it go--something tells me that their would not have been a marrige, if you knew the truth before hand. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 290 |
If its just kissing [if you're sure without a doubt] forgive but never foget. Keep it in the far corner of your memory so that if she ever did cheat on you [God forbid] that warning signs were there. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1359 |
shit, It guess you seem to be ok with it. sounds like youve already forgiven her. If you have, move on bro. If not, work out what ever it is your still dealing with. | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 30 |
jay see,i truly think something else happened that night!it is for this reason she kept it from you dude.i went through a similar situation.if it were innocent,she would've confessed...depending on your communication skills as a couple.and as far as the "other" guy is concerned,not his fault.2 adults were involved here...they both knew what they were doing.i know it's hard w/ marriage and all,but coming from a greek family and all,this situation would bother my "hot-blooded" temper.i would always have it behind my head that she is doing something of the same nature.in addition,if it were only a kiss,why would she regret this???must have been more...my 0.02$ worth.i would drop her ass in a heart beat(if it were me)...plenty of fish in the sea.man...this bothers me. ------------------ | ||
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Pro Bodybuilder
Posts: 557 |
how can you buy the old " we just made out"??? Fuck , torment her for about month and then let it go , youll both be fine . Even if they did fuck , you must have what she was really looking for . Either way , excomunicate her friends ( the ones that were involved ) and watch her a little more closely from now on. But then again , " once the loaf is cut nobody notices a missing slice "..... ------------------ | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2351 |
By BITCH!!!!! Or hold it over her head for crazy sex whenever you want until she get sick of you and leaves you. I prefer the by BITCH. | ||
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Freak 
Posts: 1519 |
That is a tough one. I would find him and give him a pounding. Was he one of the strippers? Even if he wasn't like he did not know it was a bachelorette party. I agree with machine. You really think they slept in the same bed, messing around and he did not paly with her kitty? Yeah right! Not trying to make you upset but I would not buy that for a second. And fuck, I have been drunk but that does not throw your morals out the window. She KNEW, and AGREED she was going to spend the rest of her life with you but she just couldn't resist this guy? ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 73 |
Although the incident happened in the past, your trust has been broken in the present, since you have just found out about it. Obviously, you do have issues with it or you wouldn't have posted asking for others opinions. So, can you trust her now? I don't know. I would say that you are the only one who knows, but, unfortunately, you are not able to look at it objectively. Obviously, none of us here can accurately judge your relationship based on this one post. Maybe some professional relationship counselling will lead you to the right decision? In any case, it is my opinion that you must deal with it now. | ||
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Moderator
Posts: 3299 |
Right now a thousand things are running through your head. Did she, or didn't she??? You told her to forget it, but you can't can ya.... You need to talk to her, either way it could strengthen the realtionship, or destroy it...What are you going to do if she says YES she had sex, but it didn't mean anything and you're the greatest thing that has happened in her life?? Or, she says it's over and I don't want to discuss it anymore....then your left wondering....It's a hard choice Bro, but one that must be endured together....if not, the realtionship will never be the same... I do not envy you Bro.....BUT, I do wish you the best of luck....Sometimes in life, it's better to suffer an injustice, than to do an injustice....<wink>!!! Ranger | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 228 |
Thanks again guys. I know for a fact that there was no sex. I know for a fact that my wife was a virgin when we got married. The thing that bothers me most about the whole thing is that she allowed herself to be put in that situation while several of the other girls who were at the party chose not to go back to the guy's place and "extend the party" as she put it. Only three of them did. This guy was not one of the strippers, and this batchlorette party was not for my wife, it was for one of her friends. | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 36 |
Do you love her? Have the past 4 years been good ones? Have you been able to trust her during the past 4 years? If you can answer yes to these questions then let it go. I can say that being married is a struggle and when you bring up past mistakes on either parties part it only makes that struggle tougher. Take it from an old married guy let it go and look toward the future. No sense wasting energy on things that you cannot change | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 839 |
Dude, thats tough, but the shit happened a long time ago and, as several others pointed out, she was probably drunk off her ass & turned-on as well by the strippers, but she was still faithfull enough to stop it at just kissing. Who knows man, it may have been him that kissed her, not the other way around. Those dudes would be expecting sex in that situation I would think and he most likely made the first move. Also, dont be mad at your lady for not telling you about this. I cant stand people who tell people who they supposedly care about, hurtfull things, in order that THEY can have a clear conscious. Its basically hurting someone you supposedly love, in order to make yourself feel better in those cases, so she was only trying NOT to hurt you by keeping it a secret as she knew she made a mistake! Also, DO NOT GO AFTER THE OTHER GUY PLEASE!!! It will only make you look like a jealous dickhead & could wind your ass up in county for assault! Its the typical "macho" thing to think that you should kick this guys ass right, but be smarter than that my man! Your not in HS anymore right?! | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 72 |
Kissing and sex -- its all the same, cheating is cheating. There are two types of people in this world, those who cheat and those who do not cheat. If you have cheated once on a particular significant other chances are very strong that you will do it again. ------------------ | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2608 |
The past is the past. It's no longer relivant move on with your life or just use this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Looks like you're fishing to me. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1221 |
Just reading this pisses me off!!! She messed around with another guy while you too were together. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 70 |
Well, assuming it hasn't happened during the marriage there's nothing you can do. But if she was serious, and was in love with the guy; it never would have happened, period. No if's and's or but's, nothing magical happened when you took your vows to make her want to be more faithful. There are no degree's of romantic love, sure there's lust (as evidenced by her bacholerette party), and there's infatuation and then there's family love.....but nothing except romantic love warrants a marriage. ANd if she felt as though she was in love, and agreed to marry you....who knows what happens when that 'love' becomes familiar and trite. You actually have a serious case for an annullment in many states. Being in love with her (regardless of her lack of faith) does not mean having to be a victim of her infidelity...confront her with your feelings as well as your options- divorce, annullment, seperation, forgiveness. But please do not be fooled. If you think she will always be faithful if she gets away with this, you're only kidding yourself. [This message has been edited by Code-Code (edited January 11, 2001).] | ||
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Moderator
Posts: 3299 |
There was no sex, and I totally disagree with you guys that say sex and kissing are the same....she's regretfull about it....4 good years....not much of a descion Bro.....stay with her, and grow old together..... Ranger | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 185 |
Yeah, I think that since you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was just kissing that you should probably let it go... Assuming there aren't any red flags anywhere else currently or within the time you've been married. I'd still do a bit of honest evaluation just to make sure... A kiss IS cheating, but it's not anything like fucking another guy. If it's all that happened and it was 4 years ago and she's been faithful since, and you're happy together then just let it go. Don't ruin something you've got today (as long as it's good) over something like this. Not to be crude, just for clarification -- you're sure she was a virgin cuz you broke her cherry? ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 979 |
Holy christing shit..talk about a bunch of hyenas in for the kill....some of you guys mae me sick. | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 30 |
If it were me, I would go have a little talk with the guy she "kissed". Be calm and don't lose your temper. Tell him that you see her as the one that made a choice regardless of what he said or did and as a married man, you need to know if the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with is truly being honest with you about what happened in the past. Ask him if he is married, even if he is not, ask him if he would want to know what really happened if it was his wife. If he still sticks to the kissing story after that don't give up just yet. Tell him that the reason this has come up is because you suspect she is currently having an affair with someone else (I know it's a lie but...) this will put him more at ease. He will be reasured that your anger is more directed toward this fictional man instead of him. You need to know the truth and this is the best way to get it. I have done this exact same thing before and the guy spilled his guts (my wife was lying through her teeth). If he confesses that something more than kissing occured, try to think of something you can ask him that would help prove he is telling the truth. For example, my wife's OM revealed to me that they had sex in our house. I asked him to describe the interior of our house and he did so with accuracy. Best of luck on your endevors and remember, keep your cool ... |
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posted January 10, 2001 03:07 PM
I'm pretty sure she would associate it with sex though...
