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 Elite Fitness Bodybuilding, Anabolics, Diet, Life Extension, Wellness, Supplements, and Training Boards
 Chat & Conversation
 Why Do People Cheat On Their Partners?
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| Author | Topic: Why Do People Cheat On Their Partners? | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder 
Posts: 174 |
Well, lets hear some ideas...    | ||
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Moderator 
Posts: 3240 |
it's fun?   | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 174 |
Besides the obvious JohnnyO. | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2959 |
Variety is the key. Its meaningless satisfaction. Its fun like Johnny O said. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 141 |
watch the movie American Beauty for an example | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder 
Posts: 1228 |
1. Selfish 2. They don't think about their partner's feelings (see 1) 3. They don't anticipate the pain it causes when exposed 4. They may not truly love their partners 5. They find a justification that makes it OK in their mind 6. They think they can get away with it 7. They want the thrill (see 1) 8. Some have low self-esteem 9. Some are unable to empathize 10. Failure to anticipate the consequences of their actions (in serious relationships) 11. Some are cowards (see 1) 12. Some are weak-willed (see 1) 13. Little character or strength 14. Selfish (did I mention that?) Number one reason -- Because they can and they think they will get away with it. Hope this helps. [This message has been edited by BigTruck (edited January 02, 2001).] | ||
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Cool Novice 
Posts: 48 |
I have to agree with BigTruck on this one. I think it simply comes down to being unhappy with your current relationship. Would you chance losing that special person if he/she was in fact that special. Would you chance putting them through that pain and suffering if you truly loved them. Then again, you could simply be a self-centered bastard or bitch who thinks the earth, stars, and sun revolves around them and only them. ------------------ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 223 |
We belong to an instant gratification society where everyone expects to have their cake and eat it too. There are alot of people out there who don't know how to repsect or appreciate anything at all. That includes their partners, family, friends, etc. Too many selfish "I want it all" types out there. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
but doesnt every man and woman, regardless of how happy they are in a relationship find other women or men attractive enough to WANT to sleep with them? That is the mystery to me....I don't understand why, if you find someone else you want to sleep with why people just dont do it and be upfront about it? Is there some unwritten rule that says we arent allowed to find other people attractive enough to sleep with them? And if sex and love are so intertwined why do people have casual sex at all? | ||
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Moderator
Posts: 3240 |
we separate sex and love.. and baring the substance abuse issues we have a pretty good relationship. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
quote: No, they may fantasize about sleeping with another person, but WANTING is a totally different thing. THINKING and DOING are two totally separate things. We are genetically programmed to be attracted to many people to help ensure survival of the species. Our character, feelings, love and respect for comittment to our partners are what restrict (some of) us from behaving like animals. In other words, yes, I am attracted to other women, however, that is all it is -- attraction. I don't WANT to act on the attraction because I feel it degrades the comittment, significance and trust that I've developed with the person I have chosen to spend my life with. I don't want to suffer the consequences of losing these things, so therefore, I don't WANT to sleep with other people -- I care more about myself and my family then to risk it for a quick nut and a momentary fleeting pleasure, followed by regret and self-justifications for what I have done.
quote: No, there is no unwritten rule -- if you WANT to sleep with somebody and that somebody WANTS to sleep with you, then do it. However, if you are in a comitted relationship, then you should end it before you do so -- WANTING to sleep with other people is a sure sign that you don't have enough respect for yourself and your partner to hold sacred the relationship you have with them. What I'm saying is that if you can get something from somebody other than your partner, it lessens the value of what your partner can offer you because you know you can get it elsewhere. If you can get it elsewhere, why put up with your partner's shit, why not just be self-centered and gratified? Love is about give and take. Relationships take work and sex is something that should be a "payoff" of sorts for investing in the relationship. If you can get sex elsewhere, why put the same effort into the relationship? Cheating leads to less respect and a less-solid relationship.
quote: Casual sex is different than love. People have casual sex because they aren't in love. Some people don't have casual sex because they are in love. In other words, not everybody has casual sex. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 94 |
Because I think it goes against human nature to stay with one partner. Look back to the stone age. Do you think people dated back then? No. Dating in the stone age consisted of men hitting women over the head with a club then dragging them by their hair back to the cave. Oh the good old days <sniffle sniffle>. Also, take a look at the concept of "marraige". This is an artificial institution created by moralistic individuals to keep men and women from whoring around and make men and women stay focused on tending to the crops or livestock. Marraige worked well then..... WHEN PEOPLE LIVED TO BE 30 YEARS OLD!!!!!! Now the average lifespan is like 90! So assuming the average age to get married is 26 (conservative guess). That's 64 years with the same person, day after day, week after week, year after year. That my friends is not natural. How many species of animals in nature behave like this? And don't tell me Lovebirds because when one dies so does the other one so that does not count. Don't get me wrong, people can stay together for a long time, maybe till "death do they part." All we have to do is look towards europe my friends. The divorce rate is much much lower there. You know why? Because people take on lovers when they get married. So do americans you say. But Europeans are a little more slick about it, they are discreet. They don't run off with their lovers, they don't bring attention to their infidelity, they go shag whoever they have on the side but then THEY COME BACK HOME. European society for the most part places greater emphasis on the family so divorce is less common than the states, but marital infidelity is just as common as in the U.S. So in closing, if you're married, start banging someone else, and bikinimom, please email me if you're interested in a little fling. And to all you people in serious relationships.... oh wait... my girlfriends calling my name.... gotta go | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 740 |
Kat, would you be upset if your "ol' boy" as you call him wanted to sleep with other girls besides you? If not, is that the type of relationship you have with him? Just curious. -TG | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 48 |
There is a difference between finding someone attractive enough to sleep with and giving into those desires. If you have made a commitment to another, then giving into those instincts desecrates not only the commitment you have made but violates the trust of another. Common decency and respecting the feelings of someone you care enough to commit to should be enough to tell you that violating that bond is wrong by all means. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 740 |
"This is an artificial institution created by moralistic individuals to keep men and women from whoring around and make men and women stay focused on tending to the crops or livestock. Marraige worked well then..... WHEN PEOPLE LIVED TO BE 30 YEARS OLD!!!!!!" How very true. I have made several points on this board in regards to the way people used to live as opposed to how they live now. You will get the normal response of, "well, that was a long time ago." or "we don't live in the past..." or some lame ass response like that. So, are things better now than they were 100 years ago? Or do we just have more gadjets and things to make our lives easier and more comfortable? Are people really different now than they were 1,000 years ago? Hardly. But for some reason, many things that were acceptable years ago, are no longer tolerated. It makes you wonder how our society gravitated to the point at which it is now. Also, it makes you wonder where we are headed in the future. -TG | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
Ghost, to be honest, Im not sure how Id feel....I'm pretty insecure, and hell knows Im not the greatest in bed, so I can completely understand that a guy would WANT to have sex with someone else dating me. HOWEVER, I value honesty above all else. I have been left for "another woman" before, and as stated previously, I could understnad wanting to have sex with someone else, it was the lying and sneaking around that really upset me. that bothered me alot more than knowing someone else was better in bed than me...doesnt take another woman to figure that out. Personally, I wouldnt and couldnt. I didnt even have casual sex when I was single...its just against my nautre. I dont condemn anyone else for my failings though. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 174 |
Bigtruck, Well said my man, well said! | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 174 |
I asked this Q because I was in what I thought was a commited relationship. At one point, we both loved each other. Then, I find out she cheated on me 2 months ago. She made the guy promise not to tell me, even though he wanted to. Now, she is with some OTHER guy who is out of shape and unnattractive. She always complained about being self conscious around me because of how I stay in shape, eat right, etc. Well, thats my story... | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 174 |
Forgot to mention I found out she cheated on me the day after I started my cycle. Would this cause a girl to cheat? I know it bugged her, but she agreed it was OK for me to take them. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
Well, if thats the reason why she did it, its a pretty dumb reason. | ||
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Pro Bodybuilder 
Posts: 318 |
OK - Im putting up my freak flag. I think its silly to be so insecure about sex that you would leave your partner because of it. Your insecurity comes from knowing your not the best at everything and somebody out there is better looking, better in bed, etc. Get over it! Sex and love are two distinctly different things. I think its wonderful when two people can love each other and be sexually compatible, but its extremely rare. I think europeans (and me)deal with this better then americans. Americans have to feel like they are the only one, when they are in a relationship. Most people I know are so insecure about thier lover they dont even want to know about past lovers. Do you think you were the first? Do you think the only reason your lover is with you is for good sex? If so, it shouldnt be a serious relaionship. If it is a serious relationship, I think honesty is more important then fidelity, especially as you get old together. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 740 |
Kat, you are certainly one of very few women I have ever heard say that. Most women get very upset that their boyfriends or husbands would even think about having sex with another woman. I think this is a result of the differing views woman and men have regarding sexuality. In most cases woman view sex as a meaningful, loving exchange of feelings between people, whereas many guys view sex as just a way to get off. Most women have sex as an extension of their existing feelings towards somebody, whereas guys have sex because of the intense desire of physical satisfaction. In my experiences, woman are more emotional whereas men are more physical in regards to sex. Again, in my experiences, when a woman has been cheated on, she associates the sexual activity with another woman as she would with herself. Since she already views sex with such emotion, she is devastated thinking that her man would want to share that specialness with somebody else. More often than not, the man isn't emotionally attracted to his mistress at all. He is merely looking for physical pleasure and stimulation, and it isn't anything against his current love. I agree with you though. I would rather have an open relationship rather than sneaking around all the time. It is the dishonesty that hurts worse than the actual act. -TG | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 174 |
Good call Kat. Our sex was great, the best for me & her. She told me that countless times. She was really depressive & had low self esteem though. She said she "didnt think i was the one anymore" Of course, she cheated on me & lied about it for 2 months, then came back to me saying how much she loved me, how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Thats why im confused. Any ideers? | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 715 |
If you're single, I think anything goes. If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't have sex with other people. I guess I'm just an old fashioned kind of guy. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
What would expect if the situation was reversed? I dunno..I'm not taking herside by any stretch, but I do know of some people who, when it gets "too deep", they panic...I know more guys who do that then girls though...I wouldnt rule it out...or she could be playing you. either is possible. Ghost: I know Im weird... | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
Suspension -- when somebody cheats, they usually find a justification to make it OK in their mind -- to excuse their behavior. You trying to figure out why is futile because her cheating was probably based on a justification that wasn't grounded in logic. In other words, it was her choice, not yours. As much as it hurts, you probably didn't figure into the equation much at all. It was all about her feelings and what she wanted. It's OK to feel bad about the situation, but don't feel bad about yourself. You didn't make the choice to cheat she did. It doesn't reflect on you or your character, it reflects upon her. She will tell you anything that makes her feel justified in her actions. Nobody's perfect, but you weren't the one who did it -- and there's no way it was your fault -- as much as she might try to make it out to be. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 740 |
Kat, you are certainly not weird at all. You are far more normal than you probably think. -TG | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
Oh, and for the record, there is a difference between open relationships and cheating. Although I don't agree with it personally, if both partners agree that it is OK to have sex outside the boundaries of their relationship, then fine. What I'm saying, is that I'm not debating whether or not multiple partners is OK, what I'm against is cheating. I will say however, that if you take vows to remain true to another person, that you should honor those vows. Cheating is easy and is weak, self-demeaning behavior. It takes a stronger person to honor their vows, responsibilities and comittments than it takes to skulk around, lie and seek only their pleasure without regards for how other people feel or the damage it causes to families and innocent people trapped in the middle. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
lying and sneaking around is very bad...no doubt about it...regardless of how you feel about having sex outside of your relationship, at least have the balls to be up front about it....anything elese is cowardly. | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2117 |
Okay, here is what I can tell ya...considering all of you know that in the past I did cheat. Thank God I was forgiven though. One reason in my relationship that I cheated was because HE was the SELFISH one; everything had to be HIS WAY! there are a few reasons why I personally cheated... once he figured out on his own the way he treated me, he knew why I went elsewhere. When you are not treated by a lover the way you would like to be treated w/ equal love & respect & there is No way of talking about it with them ...you usually cheat. This WAS my situation anyhow. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
Why not end the bad relationship first? Then you won't be cheating. | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 40 |
Do unto others. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 223 |
I'm not a far right conservative christian by any means (I'm atheist) but I strongly believe that humans are monogamous by nature. If you look at how long it takes for a human to develop from newborn to young adult, there certainly has to be a family structure in place. Even back to the earliest pieces of human history, we have always been monogamous with family structure. Biologically it makes sense. Now that most families are nuclear and large family structures don't exist like they used to, plus women either wait to have children or don't have them at all, we are moving away from monogamy and traditional family structure. I think that is the main reason for the change in behavior. ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
dude..you're high....you think women NEVER screwed aroun on men before? Give your head a shake man!!! You seemlike a nice person, but your comments were perhaps unintentionally sexist. You think women need to have this nice and secure marriage and never think of other men??? Come on...be realistic. Of course it bothers us to think that our mothers may have been dreaming about banging Clark Gable, or whomever, but they DID. and some of them did the postman...some never did anything about it, just suffered through shitty sex with a husband who was banging his secretary on the side. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1122 |
its a chemical inbalance in the males Brain. We are NO DAMN GOOD and thats a fact. I tell all women were all dogs and a variety is what we need....I am A ho the first stage of rehabilitation is to admit my addiction which is women....... ------------------ | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1012 |
Dlady: you could always try telling him what you just told us. if things change, great. if not, just leave. still doesn't justify cheating regardless of what you may think. i definitely believe that when you are in a committed relationship you should only be with that person. as others have said, honesty and communication are the most important parts of a relationship. a part of the problem, IMO, is that we meet people based on looks first, interests second. basically we hope they have the same beliefs and interests. sure, you may know you connect in some ways, but otehrs are total mysteries. that's one of the great things about meeting someone through a dating service, you can make sure personality comes first. either way, if you can't find someone you wanna spend the rest of your life with, then don't get married, and don't have kids. a stable family means a whole lot, and the statistics of children without a father proves the point. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 669 |
d1734, every meaningful relationship Ive had has been the result of a phone dateline. I dont give a shit what anyone says, its just another way to meet people all you have to do is know what to look for and watch out for. Plenty of good people on there ------------------ | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 21 |
In my experience I find that the reason why anyone would cheat would be because... 1. Not completely happy in the relationship/marriage that they are in. These are just some of the things I've been told. Any man or woman that cheats on another person is totally in the wrong. I don't agree with it at all. Its not just the point of having sex with someone else, its the emotional attatchment that goes along with having feelings for someone. Whether its the many phone calls during the day, a kiss hello/goodbye when you see that person, nevermind just constantly thinking about that other person and wanting to be with them. Any of those I would consider cheating because that is not a NORMAL friendship. If you are gonna do this, get out of your relationship/marriage you're in because if you can do this, then OBVIOUSLY you don't love that other person as deeply as you thought... If any type of cheating is done and you plan to stay in the current marriage/relationship then the only way to move on and be honest is to TELL THE OTHER PERSON! Don't you all agree? That is the only way... Otherwise you constantly have this on your conscience and there is always a lie that never goes away. In reality, that isn't fair to the other person, if I was that wife and I found out my husband had been cheating. I'd be totally pissed/wouldn't be able to trust him again for a while, but I'd want to know... The underlying problem has to be fixed and until things are out in the open. It WON'T BE.... Just my thoughts. Sorry to ramble, its just a major subject right now. AJ | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 114 |
You show me a man with the most beautiful woman in the world, and he will be the same man waiting to cheat on her. In my opinion, we/guys are never satisfied. Most of us want to fall in love with our dream girls, but after a while it gets old, and we start to wonder if she was actually even a dream girl to begin with. We look, we want, we get, we cheat... it is in our nature. ...most of us anyways. I can't wait to find the woman of my dreams... I don't think I can though. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1015 |
People cheat because their partner is not fully satisfying their needs. If a man is truly happy at home, he will not stray. Same for a woman. A stranger can give you a compliment, and it tends to carry more weight than if it came from your partner. That is a fact of life. It comes down to possibility (with a new partner) versus familiarity (with current partner). IMHO - there is nothing better than a familiar touch... | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
Shadow -- I disagree that when a partner cheats, it is because of the faults of the other partner -- that is a justification that places the blame on the innocent party. I personally refuse to take responsibility for something I had no choice in -- I can't choose for my partner to cheat on me and violate my trust, my family, my marriage vows, etc... A person's actions are only controllable by that person -- I can't control another person, so I can't be responsible for the bad choices they make. However, one can contribute torwards another making a bad choice... The contribution may be true in SOME cases (in which case the relationship should have been ended before the cheating occurred -- so it's still wrong), but MANY cases it comes down the the insecurities of the partner that is cheating -- the grass is greener on the other side syndrome. Cheating allows people to live a life that is not true -- it is exciting, forbidden, the touch of a new person, a personal secret -- it gets them away from the bills, the laundry, the kids, REALITY... There are a plethora of reasons that a person cheats -- all of which boil down to selfishness. AJD -- I feel your pain. E-mail me if you want to talk. | ||
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Cool Novice
Posts: 49 |
there is no good reason to cheat in my opinion. it's fucking cowardly. don't get in a relationship if you can't stay with that person. Otherwise say, hey I really like you and want to be with you all the time, but do you mind if I bang other hot chicks. Come on be a sport my love. Seriously cheating is not about sex. I don't know why everybody wants to justify it by saying that it was just a good time and meaningless sex. Maybe it was just sex to you, but to your partner it was a betrayal, a breach of trust, a total lack of compassion, dignity, or regard for somebodies feelings. It's completely devasting to the other person. You know getting screwed around on fucking hurts if you truly care for the other person. So unless you formed your relationship on the premise that it is OK to fuck whoever you want whenever you want stay true to your committment. You're partner didn't sign up for that. Bottom line, be a fucking man or a woman and end your relationship before you cheat. Oh but I have kids, mixed feelings, blah, blah, blah. Toughin up. Life is full of difficult decisions so quit bitching and make your decision then stick with it. And yes, in case you're wondering I am a genious for I do believe I have solved this age old question in a single post. j/k | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1015 |
Truck - I did not say the all the blame should be placed on the other partner. But, I think one should honestly assess the situation. Answer a question: If you do not show your partner attention, or love, or do not compliment her anymore, or you do not seem proud or happy to be with her... are you saying those conditions bare no weight on her possible decision to look outside the marriage??? | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 733 |
I'm with Shadow on this...I have been cheated on , and I have some friends who have been cheated on. I can tell you from experience that the "wronged party" bears some of the responsibility. I wil not go into details, but I can say with truth I was a less than stellar girlfriend, and in a small way deserved it. It certianly made me wake up and smell what was NOT cooking, and believe me, my current beau is reaping the benefits of my experience. | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2117 |
d1734, I did not have to tell him anything, he sat down (after I tried to talk) & thought about the way he treated me, & realized himself what he was doing to me, & us. And I never said that I was "justifying" what I did to him. I simply stated what my reasons for cheating were. Which is the topic at hand here. Pesonally NO, I don't think that cheating on someone is "right" in any way, & if I had to do it over again I would have just let him go first before I went off with someone else. Too many feelings get hurt, & you can destroy alot in a relationship that took so long to build to begin with, I just had to find this out the hard way. You don't think at the time about the re-percussions/people that are involved, & how they would feel. Believe me, I think everyday about what I did wrong, & try to gain more trust back from him. It all takes time though & I know this. Someone asked me,(no name mentioned): "Why do we always seem to hurt those that love us the most?" I didnt have an answer. | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
quote:
Sure, those things have weight IF they exist. I've already said that people can contribute torwards their partner making a bad choice. My point is the situation you have detailed is just one possible root for cheating. There are many other reasons people cheat -- many of which deal with the cheater's internal struggle/insecurities with something not related to their partner. (i.e. escape from reality, excitement, etc...) | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
It's not a black-and-white issue. LOTS of grey... | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1015 |
Truck - I agree with you. All I'm saying is that a person owes it to their partner to make them as happy as possible... | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
Yes, I agree with that 110 percent Shadow. Sometimes you don't know what you have until it is threatened. If I could give all of you in committed relationships one piece of advice -- value what you have! Treat it well, go the extra mile. Make yourself happy so that you can make others around you happy -- don't get stuck in a rut in life... This is it -- there's no dress rehearsal, make the most of it. Don't be lazy! (alright, so that was more than one piece of advice -- my intentions are good | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1015 |
Yep - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth... | ||
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Guru
Posts: 2585 |
I would never cheat on my girlfriend in front of her... | ||
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Elite Bodybuilder
Posts: 1228 |
quote: If it was in front of her it wouldn't be cheating. | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 60 |
I heard this once "A guy is only as faithful as his opportunities" Peace | ||
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Amateur Bodybuilder
Posts: 228 |
Sex is alot like driving a car. You might have a very nice Porche 911 turbo. The car is great, fast, sporty, and looks great. But sometimes you just want to drive a truck or ride a motorcycle. You'll still always love your Porche and will most of the time come back to it. . |
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Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.45c
posted January 02, 2001 12:08 PM
HEY, be patient and watch this fool take a hit!
