Merry x-mas Everyone.

Note: Since most of our readers are probably busy
around this time of year, this issue and the next
will be a little shorter than usual. Don't worry,
though, there's still plenty of info here to keep
you busy for a few hours.

"So, what are you doing for a living these days?"
Bob asked me. We're sitting on the couch at one
of those tedious holiday get-togethers, you know,
the ones where you're supposed to be nice to
family members you never see except during
major holidays and funerals. I think Bob is my
wife's brother-in-law's second cousin or
something.

"I'm the assistant editor and a writer for
Testosterone magazine," I say. Bob looks at me
with a blank expression on his face, as if I'd just
told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside
the freeway and was looking to open franchises
across the nation.

"It's a bodybuilding magazine," I say.

Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights.
Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.

"Oh," Bob finally says, "I heard you were, like, one
of those bodybuilder guys or something. So,
what's that like, you know, working out every day
and stuff? I just don't have time to lift weights all
day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this
beer belly." He takes another sip of beer. "What
do you suggest?" Sip.

At first I was a little offended. I wanted to grab
him up and say, "You can't tell I'm a bodybuilder?!
Look at my ass! Now, if that's not a nice round
squat-built piece of sirloin, I don't know what is!
You think that comes naturally? I can crack
walnuts with this puppy! Wanna see? Huh, punk?
Do ya? Do ya?"

Then I realize this just might cause a scene and
could cost me several Christmas presents. I was
planning on returning any presents I got and using
the money to buy a power rack, so I didn't want to
jeopardize this gift getting opportunity. I also
realized that old Bob probably had a certain
preconceived image of a bodybuilder and I just
didn't fit that image. I'm not gorilla huge; I weigh
about 205 at 5'11" right now. (When I first started
lifting I was a pudgy 159, so that's not too
shabby.) Also, I wasn't wearing clown pants, a
fluorescent string tank top, a hanky on my head
and one of those little fanny packs. And isn't that
what real bodybuilders are supposed to wear?

Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural
Light, smoking a cigarette and waiting for an
answer, oblivious to the fact that he'd come this
close to seeing some serious walnut- crunching
ass power. I tried to figure out how I could
explain to the average guy what the typical T-Man
does and why he does it. How could I get him to
understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we
live? So I took a deep breath and told him
something like this:

"Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term
bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it is
we do. Most of us actually don't stand on stage
and compete, though. We lift weights and
manipulate our diets so that we'll look good
naked. Sure, it's healthy too, and we'll probably
live a longer and more productive life than the
average guy, but mostly it's about the naked
thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.

"Let's be honest here. We do it because of people
like you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with
your gut hanging over your belt and we watch you
grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys
like you are our inspiration, Bob. You're better
than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak
Chopra, and Zig fucking Ziglar all wrapped up into
one. We love it when guys like you talk about not
having time to exercise. Every time we see you
munching on a bag of potato chips, you inspire us.
You're my shot in the arm, Bob, my living and
breathing wake-up call, my own personal success
coach.

"You want to know what it is we do? We
overcome. We're too busy to train, too, but we
overcome. We're too busy to prepare healthy
meals and eat them five or six times a day, but
we overcome. We can't always afford
supplements, our genetics aren't perfect, and we
don't always feel like going to the gym. Some of
us used to be just like you, Bob, but guess what?
We've overcome.

"We like to watch 'normal' people like you tell us
about how they can't get in shape. We smile and
nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but
actually, we're thinking that you're a pathetic
piece of shit that needs to grow a spine and join a
gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just
can't stay motivated and just can't stand that
feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think
that admitting your weaknesses somehow
justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and moan.
We watch you look for the easy way out. Because
of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.

"You ask us for advice about diet and training and
usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep
inside we know you won't take our advice. You
know that too. We smile and say, 'Hope that
helps. Good luck,' but actually we're thinking,
'Boy, it would suck to be you.' We know that 99%
of people won't listen to us. Once they hear that
it takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they
stop listening and tune us out.

"We know they wanted us to say that building a
great body is easy, but it just isn't. This did not
take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did
not get this way in 12 short weeks using a
Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers' 'Get Skinny'
diet. A good body does not cost five easy
payments of $39.95.

"We like it that while you're eating a candy bar
and drinking Mountain Dew, we're sucking down a
protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even
better to us. While you're asleep we're either
getting up early or staying up late, hitting the
iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and
failing and rising above the norm with every rep.
Can you feel that, Bob? Can you relate? No?
Good. This wouldn't be half as fun if you could.

"We do it because we absolutely and totally get
off on it. We do it because people like you, Bob,
either can't or won't. We do it because what we
do in the gym transfers over into the rest of our
lives and changes us, physically, mentally, maybe
even spiritually. We do it because it beats
watching fishing and golf on TV. By the way, do
you know what it's like to turn the head of a
beautiful woman because of the way you're built?
It feels good, Bob. Damned good.

"When we're in the gym, we're in this
indescribable euphoria zone. It's a feeling of being
on, of being completely alive and aware. If you
haven't been there, then it's like trying to describe
color to a person who's been blind since birth.
Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there's
knowledge and power, self-discipline and
self-reliance. If you do it long enough, Bob,
there's even enlightenment. Sometimes, the
answers to questions you didn't even know you
had are sitting there on those rubber mats,
wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and
bars.

"Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty
idea. Put down the fucking beer. I'll tell you what,
Bob. Christmas morning I'm getting up real early
and hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter
open her presents and spend the whole day with
her, so this is the only time I have to train. The
gym will be closed, so I'm going out in my garage
to workout. You be at my house at six in the
morning, okay? I'll be glad to help you get started
on a weight training program. It'll be colder than
Hillary Clinton's coochie in there, so dress warm.

"But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don't
show up, don't bother asking me again. And don't
you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about
your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big
opportunity to break out of that rut. If you don't
show up, Bob, you've learned a very important
lesson about yourself, haven't you? You won't like
that lesson.

"You won't like that feeling in the pit of your
stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will
taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes
pretty goddamned nasty, but what you'll be
experiencing will be much worse. It will be the
knowledge that you're weak, mentally and
physically. What's worse is that you'll have
accepted that feeling. The feeling will always be
with you. In the happiest moments of your life,
it'll be there, lying under the surface like a
malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.

"Don't look at me like that either. This just may
be the best Christmas present you'll get this year.
Next Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I'm
going to be a little bigger, a little stronger, and a
little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be
making excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to
you. I'm giving you the chance to look fate in
those pretty eyes of hers and say, 'Step off, bitch.
This is my party and you're not invited.' What do
you say, Bob? Monday, Christmas morning, 6am,
my house. The ball's in your court."

Okay, so maybe that's not the exact words I used
with Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show
up Monday? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. In
fact, Bob will probably take me off his Christmas
card list. He probably thinks I've got "too much
Testosterone," like that's a bad thing. I think Bob
is just stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the
only difference between a rut and a grave is
depth.

The way out of the rut is to make major changes
in your life, most of which won't be too pleasant
in the beginning. The opportunity to make those
changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to
Bob. Most of the time, that opportunity knocks
very softly. What I did was basically give Bob a
verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to
a slap. You can get angry at the person doing the
slapping, or you can realize that he was just
trying to get you to wake up and focus on what
you really want and, more importantly, what it'll
take to get it.

If you're a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need
to be called out like Bob. But maybe you've
caught yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe
you've missed a few workouts or maybe you
started a little too early on the usual holiday
feasting, like, say, back in September. Just
remember that the time to start working on that
summer body is now. The time to get rid of those
bad habits that hold you back in the gym is now.
You want to look totally different by next
Christmas? Start now. This isn't because of the
holidays or any corny New Year's resolutions
either. The best time is always now.

Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your
family and friends. I want you to open presents,
sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if
your regularily scheduled workout happens to fall
on December 25th, what will you be doing at six
o'clock that morning?

That's what separates us from guys like Bob.