On Monday, Alexander ("Sasha") Stepanov, a former employee and bro committed suicide.

To me, this is not a topic for the "Chat and Conversation Board." It's too serious. And while not exactly about bodybuilding, it definitely relates to health and fitness, (very indirectly) to weightlifting, and to life.

To those who don't like to read, please skip this. To others, I would like to relate to you a personal experience.

In my former company, I had a security team of six guys; Sasha was the senior security guard. All guards were tested and evaluated by a professional organizational psychologist. They were the top; I demanded nothing less.

Sasha was the first I hired. This was 1994, the year my company began commercial activity in Moscow. His team proudly wore clean, starched, dark blue Battle Dress Uniforms (BDU's) I purchased in the U.S., carried 9mm Makarov pistols on web belts (very unusual for private security guards to be licensed to carry guns in Russia). And behind the main desk, located behind a steel door and 20 feet from my office, were two fully automatic shotguns (look like Kalashnikovs).

And every month they would practice shooting, and often I would join them (I'm an expert marksman). And they would hit the gym, lifting weights and exercising, three times per week, per my instructions. And Sasha ran their training program.

And when they weren't in uniform, they would sometimes escort me as bodyguards, especially during periods when I was under genuine threat of murder. Serious, competent, loyal. Sasha's team. And my Praetorian Guard, to whom I paid, for Russia, huge salaries.

Sasha was always there, through thick and thin. He was with me when, in early 1995, a large mafia group (who had gotten access to the company's bank records) visited me and kindly requested $50,000 per month for "protection services." And he was with me when one of these dickheads was subsequently shot and another thrown in prison.

And he was there, acting quickly and decisively, when the Tax Police (yes, there is really a Tax POLICE here) -- instigated by a competitor -- raided our offices. And he was with me on countless other occasions, several of which are practically unimaginable to those living in the West. He never let me down.

Sasha enjoyed hunting. As a bonus I presented him a Winchester pump-action shotgun during the New Year holiday season several years ago.

When I left my company in 1999, "new management," obviously understanding Sasha's team's loyalties, quickly fired them all. I tried to help Sasha find a job. He found one, of course, because excellent security guards are a rarity. All the other guys found jobs, too, no problem.

But it was never the same for Sasha again. His marriage (he had a small daughter) failed. He lost his job. He started drinking. He went from job to job after that. He lived with his uncle. He had a girlfriend (also a former employee; a nice, clever girl). He was terribly lonely.

He killed himself with the shotgun I presented him.

This being Russia, none of the neighbors, of course, heard anything.

His uncle was out of town at the time, and became concerned when he called and called Sasha (no answer), and eventually the police entered the apartment and found Sasha's shattered body. He didn't even leave a note.

His girlfriend is paralyzed. She mentioned them talking about the future, about Sasha putting up new shelves in his apartment, about him fixing the electrical cabling in her apartment. They would take long walks and talk. She just didn't see any signals of suicidal behavior; they are almost always there. And I have in my hand his psychological profile. Hardly a suicidal person.

You never know, I guess.

Sasha, whatever demons drove you to that final action, I hope you are now at rest somewhere.

I am not asking for anybody's condolences. To those who would say a prayer for his ex-wife and little girl, his family and friends, whose lives he touched and who have been obviously changed by his death, well, I guess I'd appreciate that. I can do little more than provide some small financial assistance.

I think many people, at one time or another in their lives, consider finishing it all. Most don't. To those who may be feeling suicidal and who are reading this, I ask you to think about this: Keep in mind all the lives you have touched, all the energy you have received from other people, and how their lives will be changed when you "pull the trigger."

Sasha Stepanov, to my knowledge, did not use gear. But to me he was a good bro, straight and true.

Dexter

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Strength and Honor.

A well written tribute bro.

My prayers are with his friends and family.

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Pitbull

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SIZE MATTERS MOST

"Obsession is passion. Use it. Make it your strength." -by Puc

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Jeff

Sorry to hear that bro, keep Sasha alive in your memory's and then he never truly is gone; my condolences Dexter. Keep your head up.

Plates

Dexter that was a very nice tribute and it gave me shivers.

It's very hard to understand what goes through someones mind when they do this.

Peace and God Bless to you and his family.

R.I.P

quote:

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Originally posted by thefantom1:
you never know the Demons that haunt your friends... Look at my quote...the outside appearance looks fine..but inside is always unknown...

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My Condolences bro.
And as fantom and 2thick said, Sometimes the Demons in a persons head finally wins, And they feel taking their own life is the only way out.
To all the bro's out there, we all need to really learn how to keep a keen eye out on our friends and loved ones with regards to depression and suicial behavior, while it's not always easy, we need to keep our heads up and on the look out.

You are a friend, "straight and true," just as you say of Sasha. Your dead friend could have no better epitaph than your moving tribute. Though his end is senseless, your words have given back meaning to his life. Bear them with you as you walk your new path, along with your memories of him, and he'll remain alive within you.

" 'Til the weard of the world, stands, unforgotten, high under heaven, the Hero's name."

Peace, brother.

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legend

It is not easy to type with tears in my eyes, or with one of the worst hangovers I've ever had, but I wanted to make several additional remarks to my initial post.

Thank you, George Spellwin and the mods, for allowing me this forum. It is simply the best on the Internet.

Sasha's funeral on Friday was small, as his family preferred it to be. It could have been much bigger. But I was glad it was small. It was an opportunity for me to speak in depth and personally to each of his friends and relatives.

My dear friend, Tamara, who also knew Sasha for five years and saw him every day at the office (standing proud, as a real soldier), accompanied me.

His ex-wife, Lena (a nice, pretty lady), and her best friend were there. Lena blames herself (a natural reaction, I believe, at this stage) for being weak, because she saw the warning signals. They were there. I understand this now.

Sasha's girlfriend, Larisa, and her best friend were there. Larisa was surprisingly calm (I think it might have been the Valium).

Two of Sasha's close male friends were there.

Sasha's mother, on crutches and with one amputated leg, and Sasha's two sisters were there. And even though Sasha and his mother apparently hadn't been on good terms for several years, it was crystal clear that she was deeply torn apart by his suicide -- as most mothers, I believe, would feel about the death of the child to whom they gave birth and raised. Strangely, the only photo she had of her son was a tiny black-and-white military ID photo of Sasha's.

Tamara Kornilovich, I know you are reading this thread and want to say this:

You are the finest lady I've ever met or known. I will never forget the intelligence and sincere kindness and understanding you showed, your real dignity, and the masterful manner in which you brought a reconciliation among three basically distinct groups, all feeling their own personal tragedies, and who have had in the past strong interpersonal differences.

And how you, Tamara, promised to provide Sasha's mother and ex-wife with some good photos of Sasha (we always had fantastic office New Year and anniversary parties -- really great parties).

cashcase, you are wrong. I could have even elaborated but chose not to for brevity's sake only. Moscow in the early 1990's could only be compared to the Wild West, or perhaps more accurately, to Chicago in the 1920's. Things quieted down in 1998, after the financial crisis, forcing companies and people to focus inward, rather than murdering their competitors. If you do any research at all, the statistics alone about this period should convince you. Murders right and left.

By the way, I was fortunate to have sat next to a lady on a plane from New York to Moscow in, as I recall, 1995. She was the editor of Moscow News, a very literate and insightful Russian newspaper.

She told me two interesting facts I still remember from our long conversation: (1) When one of their investigative journalists was threatened, which happened A LOT, they would kill the story rather than see the reporter killed, and (2) up to 80 people disappeared from Moscow every DAY, never to be seen or heard from again.

cashcase, if anything was disingenuous in what I said, well, it was a sin of omission, because I knew some of Sasha's human frailties -- including his final act -- none of which mattered anymore or were appropriate to speak of.

My heartfelt thanks to all of the great people who replied to this post and to those who emailed me off-board. They were very moving and thought-provoking.

And I'll also add this: Fish, you are one heck of a good guy, a fine person who I would be pleased to meet in the future. The lady you met should feel very proud of such a strong, kind, decent, intelligent, honorable man.

Sasha's daughter's full name is Vladislava Alexandrovna Stepanova, or (in the diminuative), little "Vlada," 4 1/2 years old.

Tamara, without any suggestion on my part, let Lena (Sasha's ex-wife) know that she is going to copy, print, and translate into Russian this ENTIRE THREAD -- everybody's replies, including yours, cashcase -- so little Vlada can, as she grows older, better understand what a good man her father was and the high quality of genuine, sincere messages of condolence and prayers she received for herself, her mother, her father, and the rest of the family of her dad, who took his life through no fault of her own. Rest in Peace, Sasha. I will say it again, you were a good bro, straight and true. And you never let me down.

About how many people can we say that in our lives?

And God bless you, Tamara. This is brotherhood and sisterhood at its finest.

I'm going to stop now.

Please forgive me if I don't reply to emails during the next few days in a timely manner.

Dexter

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Strength and Honor.

[This message has been edited by Dexter (edited October 21, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Dexter (edited October 21, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Dexter (edited October 21, 2000).]