posted April 22, 2000 10:21 PM            

What are their guesses based on? For the most part, rumors of outrageous drug usage, backed up by insane muscle gains in short periods of time, and dramatic and easily apparent physical symptoms�all of which point to the possibility that one or more may soon kick the bucket.

We published the first Dead Pool on this website in 1998. Of course, in bodybuilding, the names and faces come and go. Some get smart and retire. Others get injured. Others die. Here's our latest, up-to-date version of the Dead Pool:

Momo. Munzer. BJ Johns. Jeep Swenson. Curtis Leffler. These are just a few of the bodybuilding world's finest cut down in their prime by the very same pharmaceuticals that made their careers possible. Outwardly, a "pro level" physique, as seen smiling and grabbing some fitness babe's ass on the cover of Muscle and Fitness, or grimacing under a pair of dumbbells roughly the size of dual Volkswagens in a vein-popping Chris Lund cover for Flex, is the ideal picture of health. The skin is bronze and shiny, the muscles full and round. These are the strongest, healthiest-looking men you could ever hope to find.

But we hardcore bodybuilding fans know what's really going on inside these superhuman physiques. Livers are working harder than they were ever meant to, processing thousands of milligrams of powerful androgens. Perhaps even a blood-filled cyst or three has formed. Myriad substances like insulin, growth hormone, IGF-1, and many more play havoc with the body's delicate balance of operating and regulatory systems. This is the reality. Some call it chemical Russian Roulette, while the athletes themselves call it "doing what they have to do." After I wrote the first Dead Pool, it almost seemed as if some people were starting to wake up and take stock of what was more important�their lives or their muscles. Muscleheads being muscleheads, life lost.

The trend of bigger and freakier shows no signs of reversing itself, as every year brings a new horde of young guys who want to weigh a ripped 300 pounds�and win the Mr. Olympia. Which brings us to the Dead Pool for 1999. Feel free to make odds and set up pools with all of your friends, because the odds are good that the Grim Reaper is gonna' come calling on one of these idiots before the year is out. The names of all of these walking drug experiments have been changed to protect us from lawsuits, but you may recognize one or more of your favorite big boys.

1) Crocodile Dumbdie

Yes, our little Aussie friend is still riding high on the Dead Pool for the second year in a row. He may be only 5'4" in a pair of Air Jordans with a one-inch heel, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to pack on as much mass and bodyweight as some bodybuilders a foot taller. Crocodile routinely gets up to 300 pounds in the off-season, stuffing his puffy face with the greasiest fare imaginable from Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and McDonald's. Can you say "heart attack waiting to happen?"

I saw him at this weight this past spring, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Aside from being pasty white and covered with boil-like red zits, he looked like someone who had just been force-fed a truckload of donuts and was about to burst.

Mr. Dumbdie keeps getting bigger and is now a consistent top five in the Mr. Olympia, but at what price? His clavicles are fairly narrow and his lats are high. No amount of training or drugs can remedy these genetic flaws. Even with Dorian gone, he still needs to beat Ronnie Coleman, Flex Wheeler, Kevin Levrone, and Shawn Ray to get the Holy Sandow. At 27 years old, Croc should think about whether or not he wants to be around in five years. With his track record of banging all of the fitness girls in the LA area, he should want to stay alive just for the new poontang he hasn't yet met!

2) Biff Blockhead

Biff is the only other repeat from the original Dead Pool, and his utter stupidity guarantees that he'll always be a good bet to kick the bucket. Most people on the inside of the sport can't believe that he's lived this long, and he only started competing as a pro in 1993. Biff is famous for "freezing" onstage at the Arnold Classic a few years back, and at the recent Olympia he only made it ten minutes into the prejudging before he collapsed and was taken to a nearby hospital for "severe dehydration."

I saw him crumple backstage in a giant heap at three different Pro Ironmans. Each time, he was unable to breathe after hitting just a few poses, his distended belly hitching like a beached baby whale's. He's just not a healthy guy. Biff wheezes, coughs, and sputters when he speaks, and trembles like an epileptic whenever he poses.

Rumor has it that he abused clenbuterol for so long and with such outrageous dosages (try twenty a day for months on end with no break) that he actually became asthmatic. Yet, somehow, I feel that asthma is the least of this Frankenstein look-a-like's problems. He competes at anywhere from 275-285 pounds, ripped. Those of you who have used "sports supplements" have a fair idea of the amounts and varieties of drugs needed to achieve such a feat.

Biff Blockhead, I hope you've got your will in order.

3) Chuckie's Boys

Chuck is the newest hotshot "guru" who helps the top pros prepare for the biggest shows. Over the past year he's been responsible for both the Mr. and Ms. Olympia winners, the Arnold Classic and Night of Champions winners, and a couple more guys in the Olympia top six to boot. Wow, he must know a lot about training and nutrition, right? I'm sure that he does, but these people don't need to pay him handsomely for that information. Don't you think the top pros have that area handled by now? Of course they do.

Chuck's specialty is drugs�which ones to take, how much to take, how to administer them, when to take them, etc. He's actually considered a genius, much like Dan Duchaine used to be. Chuck actually got the biggest boost in his career as a guru just a couple of years back when the IFBB started testing for diuretics. The pros needed to get that "dry" look to win, but standard fare like Lasix and Spiropent were no longer options. They needed new drugs that would work just as well, and that wouldn't show up in urine. Chuck stepped in and rescued the customers that lined up for his services.

At the recent Mr. Olympia press conference, one top five guy actually lashed out and accused Chuck's boys of having an unfair advantage. He singled out "plasma expanders" and "osmotic diuretics" as being two of the chemical agents that Chuck was giving to his clients. I've also heard from eyewitnesses who have seen his clients hooked up to IV drips in their hotel rooms the night before the big shows. Yep, Chuck's boys are winning the big prize money these days, and that's great. That means that when they keel over soon, their loved ones will have plenty of money to live on.

4) Sam Simian

I'm singling out this one particular user of a certain "posing oil" from Germany that retails at 400 bucks a bottle, but you can feel free to add all of the other users to the list.

First of all, who do these zipperheads think they're kidding? Maybe they can get away with "Fake-ahol" in the calves, but not the arms. When an arm hangs straight down, the bicep stretches. It does not remain contracted in a ball. That's okay, guys, at least you're fooling a few old women and first-graders with your injected oil implants.

Sam Simian is a very obscure new ape-like pro from Australia who's loaded up his arms and calves with this Fake-ahol. I saw him in Venice a couple of months back, and the only thing more ludicrous than his fake muscles was how his weathered face looked more like 45 than the purported 25 he claims.

Fake-ahol, as we said before, is not a real implant. It's just oil. The maker (who, by the way, insists in all sorts of disclaimers that he doesn't recommend injecting it, despite his getting rich quick because that's exactly what everyone is doing) doesn't even know how it binds to the muscle cells. My fear in using it would concern what happens when these oil globules get loose and circulate in the bloodstream. Obviously, a wayward fat bubble that lodges in a capillary in the brain or a heart ventricle would mean instantaneous death. And for what?

At least with steroids and training, you're really building up a muscle. Fake-ahol is a cheesy cop-out that's spotted as being bogus in two seconds by absolutely everyone in the know. That includes judges at contests, fellow athletes, photographers, and journalists. Why take such a tremendous risk for an extra inch in the arms? (Or, in the case of a certain British guy's triceps, what looks like two or three inches?)

Crackheads are sometimes willing to kill for a ten-dollar rock, but why would a bodybuilder be willing to die for an inch of bicep or gastrocnemius muscle? Fake-ahol users are all playing with fire. Dead Pool odds favor pulmonary arrest and brain aneurysms for those who enhance with this viscous substance straight from hell.

5) Cardio Arrestos

Speaking of cardiac arrest, this bottom-level pro actually spent several days in the hospital for what rumor had was a heart attack at age 29. Of course, he denied that it was a heart attack, claiming that it was an allergic reaction to medication. Whatever. In any case, this poor bastard has been eking out a living as a personal trainer while placing in the famous "16th place" at the Night of Champions and other pro shows.

For those of you who don't know, everyone after the first 15 places is put in the 16th spot, as the judges don't waste their time giving placings to every schmuck that shows up. He won his pro card as a middleweight and, like many before him, he thought it was an instant ticket to fame and fortune. Cardio now plans to compete this spring at 215 pounds, yet complained in a recent magazine interview of having financial problems. Take some advice from me, Arrestos�save your money, take up softball, and get yourself off the Dead Pool!

6) Father Joe Lump

Joe was a successful pro bodybuilder, an ex-seminary student who gave up the priesthood for a more "normal" life�which, in his opinion, includes 'roiding up to the gills and power-bodybuilding his way to star status. Despite having the personality of a lump of coal and losing his hair, he did very well for himself, winning two very big contests. Then tragedy struck in the form of colitis, and his lower intestine was removed completely. Now Joe shits through a hole in his side into a colostomy bag.

There may very well have been no connection between the colitis and Joe's drug use, or the fact that he once routinely consumed 10,000 calories a day. What makes him a Dead Pool candidate is the fact that Mr. Lump has announced plans to return to pro bodybuilding. That's right, half of his intestine is gone, and he's all set to start pumping in the test, the D-bol, the deca, the GH, and everything but the kitchen sink. If you start seeing this mullet-head from the Midwest looking large and in charge again, put that boy on the top of your list.

Hey, since he trained for the priesthood, do you suppose that he could give himself Last Rites?

7) Vito Vitriolli

Yet another of the roughly ten thousand NPC National Middleweight Champions, Vito has done better than most of his peers. In his first pro show, the native New Yorker busted into the sacred top five. Interestingly, the 5'5" man had just earned his pro card seven months earlier while weighing 176 pounds, yet when Vito stepped onstage to battle guys like guys like Ronnie Coleman, he weighed a ripped 210 pounds. Man, I wish us normal guys had the "training" knowledge to pack on that much muscle in such a short time!

A blocky, stocky little fellow with a beet-red face in the off-season, Vito seems to have a kamikaze attitude toward steroid use. Or maybe it's the Nietzschean idea of "that which does not kill me makes me stronger." Well, Vito, the sauce hasn't killed you just yet, but give it a little more time.

Vito's a Dead Pool underdog, but don't count him out just yet.

8) Baby D

I knew this kid when he was a teenager on the East Coast in 1991 when he was just starting out on 'roids. At a height of 5'6", he made a great middleweight. Of course, that wasn't big enough, so he went up to light heavyweight. Then people told him that he looked great, but his arms were still a little behind in development. Lo and behold, by 1997 he was a heavyweight, and now he's earned professional status.

When asked if he would compete as a pro immediately, he responded that he was taking a year off "to add some more size." Goodness gracious, how much bigger does he want to get? And how much shit is he willing to take to do it? Keep an eye on Baby D, he's a sleeper.

9) Larry "The Ultimate Veal" Lambchop

Here's another East Coast youngster who won the Nationals at just 25 years of age. He's one hell of a big dude, competing at 5'9" tall, 250 pounds, and going over 280 in the off-season with the rosy complexion that high blood pressure imparts. What kind of a stack must he be on? Well, considering the "before" pictures that have run in several magazines, it has to be significant.

Before he began bodybuilding, "The Ultimate Veal" looked more like the ultimate Don Knotts impersonator. He's one of those guys who started training and loading up on drugs the very same day. Just two years after starting to train/use drugs, Larry was a giant with 21-inch arms, 32-inch thighs, and the Teen Nationals title. By the time he soon turns 27, he'll have been on drugs for a solid ten years.

Watch for Mr. Lambchop to be a stronger contender in the Dead Pool as time goes by.

10) Toadman and Frank Parcheesi

Just for variety, I wanted to throw in two powerlifters. Toadman and Frank used to be neck-and-neck rivals for the bench press record of the world, but injuries took Frank out of the running years ago. Toadman claims to be natural, though he stands 5'7" and weighs nearly 400 pounds. Maybe he is natural, but 400 pounds is still grossly overweight. One of these days he just might be trying to bench 850 or squat 1,200 when his poor bloated couch cushion-sized heart just plain explodes.

Frank's never claimed to be natural. Back in the early '80s in the Boston area, he used to have gym buddies scrub his back with steel wool in the shower to pop all of the zits he couldn't reach. Nearly as overweight as Toadman, Frank's been a heavy steroid user for at least twenty years. He's tried WWF wrestling and owning his own supplement company, but what he really needs to try is cleaning out.

At over 40 years of age, he should forget about being a big, strong freak while he still has a chance. If you keep seeing this dope's picture in Ironman and how he plans to set the bench press record again, move him up near the top of your list. I guess he never heard Vince Gironda's famous quote, "Try bench-pressing six feet of dirt off your chest in the dark."

Dorian Yates

I want to congratulate Dorian Yates for retiring and taking himself off the Dead Pool. Having the wisdom to get out while the getting's good is a rare trait in sports, and even more so in bodybuilding. After suffering several injuries, and Lord knows what other health problems as a result of being one of history's biggest and freakiest bodybuilders, Dorian realized that he was reaching the point of diminishing returns. He's now a partner in a British supplement company called, ironically enough, Chemical Warfare.

Some speculate that Dorian will still continue to stay as large as ever, using whatever means necessary to do so. I don't believe it. Like Lee Haney before him, Dorian will get on with his life and focus on business ventures. Without the Mr. Olympia contest to worry about, he'll train naturally and be healthier than he's been in many years. For this, I applaud him. Live long and prosper, mate!

That's it, sports fans. The 1999 version of the Dead Pool is chock-full of men who value an inhuman physique and contest winnings over their own lives. Crazy? Maybe, but not to them. Drugs allow them to be walking, talking, comic book superheroes. Of course, the damaging and potentially life-threatening aspect to using dozens of drugs in insanely excessive dosages is really no more crazy than driving a racecar at 250 miles an hour with 50 other drivers on the track. As long as men look longingly at the current freaks of the sport and decide that they want to be even bigger, the Dead Pool will continue.

See you in the obituary section, fellow morbid muscleheads!



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posted April 22, 2000 10:46 PM            

You might get flamed but I agree. Abuse is abuse whether it is AS or rec drugs.......and today's bodybuilders are getting freakier than I ever really want to be.....

posted April 23, 2000 05:09 AM            

My hat's off to you. I found your post to be enlightning and refreshing. It was also articulate and well thought out. I enjoyed it very much, as I know some of the people you "might" have mentioned, and I have to say that I agree with most of your observations. Have a shot of Test on me!

posted April 23, 2000 06:49 AM            

It comes with the territory. Theres a price for everything. If death is a concern, then one should take up tennis or ping pong.

posted April 23, 2000 12:50 PM            

quote:

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My hat's off to you. I found your post to be enlightning and refreshing. It was also articulate and well thought out.

---

posted April 23, 2000 01:07 PM            

and in my response to Deepsquat's post I responded: "Don't shoot the messanger, I didn't write the article"

I never take claim on other people's fame.

peace out!

posted April 23, 2000 11:00 PM            

------------------
Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body
http://ectomorph420.tripod.com/home.html

posted April 24, 2000 10:23 PM            

Personally, I think that the next to go will be a lesser known pro trying to go from like #40 to the Top 5.

One more thing: a few of these guys may have died from diuretics instead of AS, but the bottom line is that they all died from the competitive bodybuilder lifestyle and to me it makes no difference if it was AS or diiuretics....bottom line is that it was contest prep.

posted April 25, 2000 04:23 PM            

First to die from steroids......hmmmmm......I guess I would put the bet on me. My heart has been pumpin kinda hard since I've been shootin 7cc's a week of sus.