posted March 29, 2000 09:22 PM            

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"
replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going tocall it Earth and it's
going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot
and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in
the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada,
the most glorious place on Earth. There is beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are
going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they're going to be found
travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats andcarriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting
next to them."

Heh heh...

[This message has been edited by E2 (edited March 29, 2000).]

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posted March 29, 2000 09:24 PM            

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Very lovely E2...I hate the Soviets too.

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If you racked the bar, then you're lifting the bar.

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posted March 29, 2000 09:30 PM            

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God I'm proud to be a Canadian,thanks E2!

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posted March 29, 2000 09:33 PM         

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thats a good one.....here's one:

God looked down upon Adam and said, "whats wrong Adam, you look so down and depressed?"

Adam replied, "Everything is so wonderful and beautiful here God, but I feel so lonely, could you create me a passionate, loving, intelligent and beautiful companion that will be by side through all of life's endeavors..?"

God thought about it and replied "Yes I can Adam, but it will cost you an arm and a leg !"

Adam replied "Well what can I get for just a rib ?"

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posted March 29, 2000 09:37 PM            

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AWESOME HEEMAN. I BELIEVE THE HECKLER UPSTAGED U.

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GETTING BIGGER

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posted March 29, 2000 09:49 PM            

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That's a good one E2. US canadians get bashed so much, But there are those times when we extract our revenge

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dan
"ONE SHOT, ONE KILL"

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posted March 30, 2000 12:01 AM            

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That is pretty good. Oh well, we americans still have Southpark: Bigger, longer, and uncut. That movie speaks to the truth about what canada is...just kidding.

Platinum

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posted March 30, 2000 12:16 AM            

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as a american i must say i agree. TO HELL WITH THIS SYSTEM OF IGNORANT, SHIT FOR BRAINS BASTARDS THAT ARE RUNNING AN ALREADY RACIST FILLED, CRIME RIDDEN SOCIETY FUTHER INTO THE HOLE EVERY DAY. WE HAVE WENT FROM A STONER PRESIDENT TO A PRESIDENT ELECT(THAT WILL WIN) THAT IS A DAMN COKE HEAD. YET I AM IN DRUG CLASSES FIVE DAYS A WEEK FOR 4 HOURS A DAY CAUSE I WAS GROWING DOPE IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME. I AM MOE DANK, I WILL BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN ABOUT 20 MORE YEARS. AS LONG AS THE AMERICAN PUBLIC KEEPS VOTING FOR PEOPLE WITH DRUG PROBLEMS I SHOULD WIN.

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posted March 30, 2000 01:29 AM            

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Damn Frenchies....heh..heh..

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posted March 30, 2000 02:25 AM            

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BUMP!!!

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Suffering is virtue. Progress is pain.
Anything less than a stoic lust for this philosophy will leave you short of your ultimate potential.

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posted March 30, 2000 02:36 AM            

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I'm American and I think that post is funny as shit. Im gonna E-mail it too all my loud mouth bastard friends.

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posted March 30, 2000 02:46 AM            

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thats a pretty good story eh?
i should send it to my mom eh? shes one of those french canadians eh?
lol
pretty funny story bro...

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lift eat grow!!!

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posted March 30, 2000 11:04 AM            

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Yeah E2, I always thought Canada was a good idea. Too bad nobody desided to show up!

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posted March 30, 2000 11:45 AM            

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I am not anti-canadian. Although its a great place for war criminals to live without fear of prosecution.

I have several canadian friends with one thing in common, they all worked their asses off in getting out of the country.

If canada was so great why are all of you people so anxious to leave and come to the US.

hmmmm?

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posted March 30, 2000 11:53 AM         

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One more thing, the word is about- not aboot.

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posted March 30, 2000 12:30 PM            

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SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN:

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. This doesn't bother you at all.
7. You know what it means to be on pogey.
8. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
11. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
12. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
13. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
14. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
15. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
16. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
17. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield that is some small town in Quebec!
18. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
19. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
20. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
23. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
24. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
25. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
26. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
27. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
28. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
29. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
30. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
31. You know what a tuque is.
32. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
33. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
34. You know Toronto is not a province.
35. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
36. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
37. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars", including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
38. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two: an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in a bag on the wall.
39. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this same image (#38).
40. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
41. You can still whistle the theme to "The Forest Rangers"
42. Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
43. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
44. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word... (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)", and "Kanata".
45. You participate in "Participaction". At least, until you fall down laughing when you think of how your hair is getting "sweat-EE and out-of-CONtrol".
46. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
47. And if not, is she free next Friday?
48. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
49. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
50. You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
51. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
52. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
53. You spend hours in the dark, making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
54. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's Advocates made fun of you.
55. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
56. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
57. You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
58. You wonder idly if there is some government coverup of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files" from British Columbia to California, but you're far too apathetic to do anything about it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old "Beachcombers" cast getting some TV work now and then.
59. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
60. You read rather than scanned this list.
61. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
62. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
63. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

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posted March 30, 2000 12:50 PM         

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Someone once said that the Salvation Army was created just in case we ever went to war with Canada. Why send in the first string on a minor league team.

Sorry pal but you didn't think I could let you get away with flaming the Red White and Blue did ya???

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posted March 30, 2000 01:26 PM            

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Hhaahahahah rocky you've got to be canadian, i was laughing my ass off!!!!

That one about the change killed me.

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posted March 30, 2000 02:37 PM            

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i dont get it
i MUST NOT BE CANADIAN

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posted March 30, 2000 02:57 PM            

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Ok. This isn't the appropriate place for stuff like this but I have to admit, I did enjoy it for a change. Some of that shit is really funny.

thanks

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posted March 30, 2000 03:13 PM         

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ok ok here is one "Where do you find a rich sucessful Canadian??"
Well living in the USA baby yeah!!!

ex.Tom green,Michael J. Fox, Pamela Anderson Lee,Jim Carey,Dennis Miller,the list goes on and on

Nah but realy I like Canadians hell they have the best neighbors, and thats where I'm going if the U.S.A ever has a military draft he he he

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posted March 30, 2000 07:41 PM            

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hey im from england, now i live in canada.
its the best place on earth, so piss on you yanks. YOU WISH!

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All times are ET (US)