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HumorMe
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I haven't seen these posted yet so if they have I'm sorry! The winner is a classic goofball!
Sorry for all of the boxes and arrows but I was too lazy to retype all of them!
Subject: The Annual Darwin Awards!
>
> > > > It's that time again. You all know about the Darwin
> > > > Awards - It's an annual honor given to persons who did
> > > > the gene pool the biggest service by killing
> > > > themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
> > > > Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
> > > > Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he
> > > > was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. He was
> > > > drunk at the time. His mother is now suing the Coke
> > > > company for millions. Now, this year's nominees are:
> > > >
> > > > 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
> > > > getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
> > > > which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
> > > > surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
> > > > vomited into the fireplace in his house. The
> > > > resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
> > > > killing both him and his sister.
> > > >
> > > > 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
> > > > basement of his home died of suffocation, according to
> > > > police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
> > > > 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
> > > > bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
> > > > It appeared that he was trying to create a
> > > > schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
> > > > military gas mask that had the filter canister removed
> > > > and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other
> > > > end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow
> > > > wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The
> > > > tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
> > > > reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
> > > > Police found the task of explaining the circumstances
> > > > of his death to his family very awkward.
> > > >
> > > > 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
> > > > aircraft at low altitude when another plane
> > > > approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
> > > > occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
> > > > their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
> > > > dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
> > > > ankles.
> > > >
> > > > 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call.
> > > > She had no details before arriving, except that
> > > > someone had reported that his father was not
> > > > breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
> > > > face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him
> > > > over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she
> > > > noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
> > > > ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was
> > > > declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
> > > > made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
> > > > that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
> > > > Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had
> > > > caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
> > > > putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
> > > > hole and between two electrical sanders (with the
> > > > sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to
> > > > the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out
> > > > one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
> > > >
> > > > 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
> > > > on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
> > > > seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
> > > > As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
> > > > qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
> > > > fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
> > > > by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
> > > > beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
> > > > press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
> > > > life, the woman lost her own.
> > > >
> > > > 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after
> > > > he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
> > > > 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
> > > > Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
> > > > these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
> > > > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
> > > > Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
> > > > a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
> > > > was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
> > > > length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
> > > > than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
> > > > Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
> > > > death was "Major trauma."
> > > >
> > > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
> > > > seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
> > > > catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend no
> > > > doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate-was
> > > > hospitalized.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west
> > > > Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
> > > > management evacuated the building extinguishing all
> > > > potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
> > > > After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
> > > > from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
> > > > the building, they found they had difficulty
> > > > navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
> > > > the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight
> > > > of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
> > > > retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
> > > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object,
> > > > the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
> > > > it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
> > > > technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
> > > > by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
> > > > the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
> > > > peers.
> > > >
> > > > And the winner...
> > > > The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of
> > > > smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff
> > > > rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
> > > > wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but
> > > > it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at
> > > > the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was
> > > > and what had happened. It seems that a guy had
> > > > somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
> > > > Off actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
> > > > heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for
> > > > taking off from short airfields. He had driven his
> > > > Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and
> > > > straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
> > > > unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and
> > > > fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be
> > > > determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala
> > > > hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
> > > > 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established
> > > > by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that
> > > > location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
> > > > reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the
> > > > Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
> > > > continuing at full power for an additional 20-25
> > > > seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most
> > > > likely would have experienced G-forces usually
> > > > reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
> > > > afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for
> > > > the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
> > > > remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles
> > > > (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
> > > > completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
> > > > leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then
> > > > becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
> > > > impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
> > > > leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
> > > > Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable;
> > > > however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
> > > > extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone
> > > > shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to
> > > > be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has
> > > > been speculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I,
> > > > attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
> > > > Voila.
> > >
Sorry for all of the boxes and arrows but I was too lazy to retype all of them!
Subject: The Annual Darwin Awards!
>
> > > > It's that time again. You all know about the Darwin
> > > > Awards - It's an annual honor given to persons who did
> > > > the gene pool the biggest service by killing
> > > > themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
> > > > Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
> > > > Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he
> > > > was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. He was
> > > > drunk at the time. His mother is now suing the Coke
> > > > company for millions. Now, this year's nominees are:
> > > >
> > > > 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
> > > > getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
> > > > which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
> > > > surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
> > > > vomited into the fireplace in his house. The
> > > > resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
> > > > killing both him and his sister.
> > > >
> > > > 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
> > > > basement of his home died of suffocation, according to
> > > > police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
> > > > 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
> > > > bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
> > > > It appeared that he was trying to create a
> > > > schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
> > > > military gas mask that had the filter canister removed
> > > > and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other
> > > > end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow
> > > > wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The
> > > > tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
> > > > reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
> > > > Police found the task of explaining the circumstances
> > > > of his death to his family very awkward.
> > > >
> > > > 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
> > > > aircraft at low altitude when another plane
> > > > approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
> > > > occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
> > > > their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
> > > > dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
> > > > ankles.
> > > >
> > > > 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call.
> > > > She had no details before arriving, except that
> > > > someone had reported that his father was not
> > > > breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
> > > > face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him
> > > > over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she
> > > > noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
> > > > ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was
> > > > declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
> > > > made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
> > > > that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
> > > > Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had
> > > > caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
> > > > putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
> > > > hole and between two electrical sanders (with the
> > > > sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to
> > > > the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out
> > > > one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
> > > >
> > > > 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
> > > > on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
> > > > seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
> > > > As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
> > > > qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
> > > > fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
> > > > by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
> > > > beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
> > > > press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
> > > > life, the woman lost her own.
> > > >
> > > > 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after
> > > > he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
> > > > 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
> > > > Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
> > > > these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
> > > > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
> > > > Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
> > > > a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
> > > > was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
> > > > length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
> > > > than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
> > > > Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
> > > > death was "Major trauma."
> > > >
> > > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
> > > > seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
> > > > catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend no
> > > > doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate-was
> > > > hospitalized.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west
> > > > Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
> > > > management evacuated the building extinguishing all
> > > > potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
> > > > After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
> > > > from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
> > > > the building, they found they had difficulty
> > > > navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
> > > > the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight
> > > > of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
> > > > retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
> > > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object,
> > > > the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
> > > > it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
> > > > technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
> > > > by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
> > > > the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
> > > > peers.
> > > >
> > > > And the winner...
> > > > The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of
> > > > smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff
> > > > rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
> > > > wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but
> > > > it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at
> > > > the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was
> > > > and what had happened. It seems that a guy had
> > > > somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
> > > > Off actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
> > > > heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for
> > > > taking off from short airfields. He had driven his
> > > > Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and
> > > > straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
> > > > unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and
> > > > fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be
> > > > determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala
> > > > hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
> > > > 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established
> > > > by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that
> > > > location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
> > > > reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the
> > > > Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
> > > > continuing at full power for an additional 20-25
> > > > seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most
> > > > likely would have experienced G-forces usually
> > > > reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
> > > > afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for
> > > > the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
> > > > remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles
> > > > (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
> > > > completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
> > > > leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then
> > > > becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
> > > > impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
> > > > leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
> > > > Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable;
> > > > however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
> > > > extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone
> > > > shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to
> > > > be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has
> > > > been speculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I,
> > > > attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
> > > > Voila.
> > >
