Mother's "advice" - AARGH!

[FitFossil]

Went home this weekend for a family visit in the hot as hades South. Wore a sleeveless top. I about knocked everyone's eyeballs out and got many compliments from brothers, sisters-in-law, and father. So what's this thread about ole Mom, you ask...

My mother later took me aside and said she wished I'd "do more yoga". I said "Huh???"

She said: "You need to stretch your muscles out..."

I said: "I already do yoga to stretch after every workout, and besides I'm aleady as flexible as a noodle..." (always have been)

She said: (hold onto your hats everyone... ) "...
Well, your shoulders and arms are starting to look really hard and knotty......You should do more yoga to stretch and smooth your muscles out, so you don't have those bumps and lines..."

Well, I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere trying to explain to her that those "bumps and lines" are actually known as cuts and striations, and that smoothing them out is the LAST thing I want.

So rather than "get into it" (for those that don't know, I have a 20 year history of eating disorder which devastated my family and nearly killed me), I steered the conversation elsewhere. My mother's aesthetic leans more toward the typical fashion model. However, when I was anorexic, she didn't like that either.

I was amazed I was able to handle this gracefully. Even just a few months ago, such a remark would have ruined my day, week, life, etc. I admit it still bothers me a little bit, but I'm happy to say these muscles have given me a lot of emotional strength as well as physical strength.

 

[Sassy69]

Congrats FF! Its hilarious hearing other people's "concerns". I know I got some interesting stares from family members when I went home to visit this summer. All the women in the family are always like "well I just tone, I don't want to get huge". Oh geez. Do you just want to slap them or what??? The funny thing is that I tell my mom how miserable I was when I was the chubby teenager ("big girl", as she put it) and now since I am a "big girl", why not take advantage of it in a healthy way?? People's perceptions are truly fascinating....

 

[Super Girl 22]

I have the same situation. My bro constantly harrasses me about working out. He tells me i'm 150lbs of beef (when i'm only 120lbs). Yesterday, i was in his car and i went thru his glove compartment. when i closed it, he said i better stop working out because i dont know my own strength...i happened to slam it closed and i also slammed the door closed that he commented about as well. Alot of women that i train complain that they "dont want to get muscles & get big like a man". You cannot get big muscles unless you want them and work hard to achieve them. Working out and lifting 5-10lb weights ain't gonna get you there! I'm happy with the cuts in my arms, legs & abs. I workout to please myself and i'm not worried about what anyone says anymore.

 

[wavywoman]

family can be reeeeeally annoying

FAMILY can be sooo annoying...
Hey, why is it that family members seem to have nooo problems making comments about their female relatives' health/eating habits but rarely make any comments about their male relatives?
My brothers can gain or lose 30lbs, eat like pigs or birds or pass up desserts, and no one says boo to them.
My sisters and I say no to dessert, or say yes, eat like birds or pigs, and it's like a big issue "What? Are you on a DIET?" or "Gee, she gained so much weight! She should stop eating like that!". "She looks like a hatrack!" "She looks hippier than she was before!"
As far as working out is concerned, I always get grief for even GOING to the gym. Like I should be doing OTHER things instead. Pfffft. Whatever.

 

[keiko]

I love the whole stretching muscles idea! I'm naturally long from elbow to shoulder and from calf to knee (as wll as everywhere else). People always ask me at the gym how I got so long--what exercises can they do?

I tell tham surgical reattachement of the tendon will do it. Yoga, Pilates, stretching--nothing lengthens you out. It's genetic!

Sorry about you Mom. Ask her why HER side of the family gave you muscles!

 

[KBgrl]

Ohhhhh boy !!! i hear ya girl!! i went throught the same thing yesterday i too have just stopped trying to explain and justify why i do this...dont do this...eat this... wont eat that..etc.. im toooo tired. thank god for the boards!! its made life just a tad easier to deal with ya know!?!? hang in there!! im sure u look beautiful and most important --- ur healthy and happy!!! yipeeee!!

 

[poohbear]

I'm partly Filipino and when I used to wear tank tops, female family members used to call me fat. I weighed like 125lb with less than 15% BF. People have limited views, don't they

 

[Bikini Mod]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It is VERY DIFFICULT to have a mother that you can never please.

I have struggled with this my whole life. Sadly, I have all but cut her off....but I just do not have the strength right now to "not let it bother me".

YOU GO GURL. Remember, no matter how much it might hurt that your mother does not recognize your accomplishments - IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM...it is hers.

Be who you are and BE HAPPY!

Bumps and lines....HAHAHAHHehehehhehahahahe

 

[ann]

I guess when people do notice your gains, and you are on an AS....nice to know you are getting your moneys worth anyway

 

[BrickGirl]

My Mother passed away 2 years ago, I would LOVE for her to be here to tell me how I fix what I have "messed up" on my body no matter how much I would have hated it

 

[Sassy69]

BG --
your mom would be very proud of the very beautiful person that you are!
I think regardless of what we hear from our parents, or what we think they think, we can still be proud of ourselves for 1) pursuing something we believe in and 2) going for the healthy life and educating ourselves to improve that.

 

[FitFossil]

I guess when people do notice your gains, and you are on an AS....nice to know you are getting your moneys worth anyway

ann:

For the record, I have never taken AS (and not sure where you got that idea). Not passing judgement on those who do, but I have not come to that bridge yet, and may never, who knows.

Yes, people have asked me if I've taken them. On one hand, I take that as a compliment, but on the other it makes me mad that people think that any woman with just the tiniest bit of muscle, didn't do it by lifting and diet alone. (OK, I do use protein powder/bars, multi-vits, ZMA, alpha lipoic acid, flaxseed oil, and fat burners...but that's hardly AS! I also take pantothenic acid (vit B5) for my skin.

Surprisingly, most of those who've asked me this happen to be men. MEN, who happen to have 10 TIMES the amount of testosterone coursing NATURALLY through their veins than I do! Go figure

 

[ann]

FitFossil--- I was making more of a general comment...not to anyone in particular. Sorry for any misunderstanding there. I guess I should of rephrased it " glad I know I am getting my moneys worth, when people notice my size". Kudos to you on doing it naturally

 

[Fatback]

Mothers and daughters what a strange relationship. Funny, this is the one area where I think my mom actually gets a kick out of the fact I get up a 5am to workout and am so dedicated. I think she actually gets a thrill telling her friends, almost like bragging rights.

 

[MS]

I wish I had your problem. Last time I visited my mother she asked me "what happened to all your muscles"? Not realising that the previous time she had seen me I was 10%bf or less and I was now a comfortable and healthy 16%. I had to explain to her that the muscles were still there, she just couldn't see them under the fat! She didn't mean to be rude, but sometimes parents can be so.....blunt. My mom likes to brag to her friends too.

 

[FitFossil]

FitFossil--- I was making more of a general comment...not to anyone in particular. Sorry for any misunderstanding there. I guess I should of rephrased it " glad I know I am getting my moneys worth, when people notice my size". Kudos to you on doing it naturally

ann:

No problem, just wanted to set the record straight

 

[FitFossil]

Thanks everyone, for the "dealing with Mom" encouragement. We have a really good relationship on everything EXCEPT body image. It's always been a sore point between us, and even though I'm a lot tougher now, it still irks me, and probably always will.

 

[smallmovesal]

i asked my mum for a bag of frozen mixed berries from the grocery store (she was taking orders) and when i told her it was for a protein shake she told me i didn't need protein other than at my meal times... she just doesn't get it. oh well. not even after i told her i needed 1g per pound i weigh. then again, she hasn't increased her weights at the gym since i started going with her in feb.

 

[jeangenie]

Wow, i can relate to this as well.

Its so interesting to me that our families still feel that its okay to critique our bodies as adults, and make comments that would get them some major attitude from any non-family types out there.

How frustrating is it to get to a point where we start to feel really great about the results of all those hard hours in the gym, all those damned yams and tuna and myoplex shakes etc. and LOVE how strong we look, only to get these type of comments from family, friends etc. about getting TOO big, TOO 'masculine' (read: upper body definition and mass), TOO cut etc. There is so much fear out there about what women SHOULD be like, how our bodies need to conform to a set of "feminine" ideals etc.

Look at how people rip into Madonna when she gained all that muscle mass from "yoga" (i suspect there may be other influences here as well, but, more power to her) . It just goes to show that a physically powerful woman is still a huge threat to a lot of people out there. Im so happy to be at apoint in my life age-wise (30s) and physique-wise that i see this kind of behavior for what it is (fear and jealousy) and take huge pride in how I look. Self acceptance is a long bumpy road for so many of us: don't let anyone bust your high when you get there!