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FISHTALES
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To former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or
>those who know a Floridian. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane
>season. Any day now, (LIKE TODAY) you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
>person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
>basic meteorological points:
>
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
>
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
>
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If
>you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
>prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
>our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
>hurricane preparedness plan:
>
>
>
> STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
>least three days.
>
> STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
>
> STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
>sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. So we'll
>start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
>
>
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
>insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long
>as your home meets two basic requirements:
>
>
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
>
> (2) It is located in Nebraska.
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
>that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
>prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
>required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
>insurance business in the first place.
>
>
>
> So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
>will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
>your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
>floss.
>
>
>
> Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
>home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
>Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my
>premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
>
>
>
> SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
>windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the
>toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
>disadvantages:
>
> a.. Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
>yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
>yourself, they will fall off.
> b.. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
>you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
>your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
> c.. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
>use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
>will have to sell your house to pay for them.
> d.. "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
>hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can
>withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
>says so. He lives in Nebraska.
> e.. "Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches,
>check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
>furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw
>these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
>should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
>turn these objects into deadly missiles.
> EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
>an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
>low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you
>live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
>avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will
>be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
>with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
>lonely.
>
>
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
>supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
>until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
>vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>
> a.. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
>when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
> b.. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
>what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
> c.. A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
> d.. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
>in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
> e.. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
>anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
>alligators.)
> f.. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
>you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
>near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
>turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
>standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
>important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
> Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you
>who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
>those who know a Floridian. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane
>season. Any day now, (LIKE TODAY) you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
>person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
>basic meteorological points:
>
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
>
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
>
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If
>you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
>prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
>our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
>hurricane preparedness plan:
>
>
>
> STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
>least three days.
>
> STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
>
> STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
>sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. So we'll
>start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
>
>
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
>insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long
>as your home meets two basic requirements:
>
>
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
>
> (2) It is located in Nebraska.
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
>that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
>prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
>required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
>insurance business in the first place.
>
>
>
> So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
>will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
>your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
>floss.
>
>
>
> Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
>home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
>Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my
>premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
>
>
>
> SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
>windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the
>toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
>disadvantages:
>
> a.. Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
>yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
>yourself, they will fall off.
> b.. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
>you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
>your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
> c.. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
>use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
>will have to sell your house to pay for them.
> d.. "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
>hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can
>withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
>says so. He lives in Nebraska.
> e.. "Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches,
>check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
>furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw
>these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
>should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
>turn these objects into deadly missiles.
> EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
>an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
>low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you
>live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
>avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will
>be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
>with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
>lonely.
>
>
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
>supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
>until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
>vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>
> a.. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
>when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
> b.. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
>what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
> c.. A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
> d.. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
>in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
> e.. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
>anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
>alligators.)
> f.. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
>you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
>near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
>turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
>standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
>important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
> Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you
>who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
