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Things Guys Can't Live Without
By Everett Meyer
Lifestyle Correspondent - Every other Tuesday
In your lifelong pursuit of happiness, it's often easy to overlook the small, commonplace things that really make you happy. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's impossible to imagine life without these small pleasures. Here is an appreciative list of some of the things men can't live without (or so we say).
food and beverages
Red meat
Call it something evolution failed to eliminate, but man's need for blood and flesh is a primal thing we'll probably never curtail. Sure, sushi tastes good, and yes, salads and fish plates can be interesting and even enjoyable. But nothing, I mean nothing, can replace the sensation of biting into a thick, juicy, bloody steak. Well-done is for the weak.
Beer
Nothing makes day-to-day life more manageable than a bottle of your favorite brewskie. This isn't to say we need to be drunk to enjoy life, but a cold one sure makes it easier, doesn't it? Besides, without booze, half of our sexual exploits would not have occurred. And what would hanging out with the guys be like while sober? Their stories just wouldn't be as interesting.
Junk food
Obvious favorites are burgers, fries and pizza, but there's always room for subs, fried chicken, Chinese food, chicken wings, and then some. Of course, all these delicacies are best enjoyed while watching sports and drinking beer.
Imagine yourself eating a fatty cheeseburger with a side order of greasy fries right now. Mmmm... sweet, no? Maybe it's the result of years of indoctrination or simply the fact that junk food tastes great. Who knows? We just love it.
Sports highlights
The reason shows like NFL Primetime are so popular is because they cut out all the crap involved in watching the NFL and sports in general -- the commercials, halftime, timeouts, video reviews, Phil Simms -- while giving us all the essential plays, hits, bloopers, and insider information. This includes reams of statistics that we memorize religiously and use in drunken arguments with friends.
Best of all, though, is watching highlights of the game you've just finished seeing, especially if your team beat the snot out of another one. The sheer joy of watching the best moments over again, happily shouting at the screen and giving the finger to any member of the losing team, is inexplicable.
The Internet
Where else can you get the latest business, sports and entertainment news, as well as funny video clips, jokes and porn? The World Wide Web is man's best and most addictive friend; it's kind of like combining the world's greatest libraries, postal services, stores, shows, and music, and then making it accessible 24 hours a day from the comfort of your home.
Video games
No matter what piece of crap life tosses your way, video games offer an easy, entertaining and graphically-pleasing escape. For example, if watching your favorite team lose has got you down, pop in your sports game, take the team over, and trade all the bastards that fumbled. When your woman or your job's got you frustrated or upset, you can start up Grand Theft Auto and run some people over, stopping only to blow your roulette winnings on a hooker.
Oral sex
Because of a lifetime of watching porn, most of us have an impressive spank bank of fantasy material (group sex, partner swapping, and so on). When it comes to blowjobs, however, no man can live without the real thing -- although many married men sadly manage this feat.
Because you don't really have to do anything apart from sitting back and getting out of the way, a great blowjob can actually be better than sex, especially if you have an unobstructed view of the television. Just make sure to avoid erection-destroying programming, like Dr. Phil .
Porn
Sure, we can get sex at home -- and those of us who can't always have the option of paying for it -- but there is something absolutely necessary about watching a woman fellate a man like his penis was the last remaining source of oxygen. Even if a man does not have his own porn collection, he will not be able to withstand its attraction if it happens to be on. Porn is where we get to see all the things we're missing out on, and where a glimmer of hope exists that one day we might suggest some of the things we see in this XXX world to our girlfriends. Ah, wishful thinking.
Threesomes
Even if you haven't had this experience yet, and even if it isn't likely to happen to you, no man can live without the fantasy of having two women at the same time. And frankly, if you need an explanation why, seek help.
Strip clubs
Technically, this is a form of entertainment, but really, if watching naked women gyrating around a pole doesn't equate to sex, what does? Like porn, some women say this objectifies women, which is complete nonsense. Exotic dancing, if anything, is a celebration of women and of the female form. Frankly, we should be applauded for encouraging that type of worship and for parting with our hard-earned cash to catch a better view of it.
The remote control
For most men, not having a remote control is like not having a right hand. We're so dependent on it that, if it were misplaced, we'd rather spend the time searching than even think of changing channels manually. The remote appeals to the primal man in us; it gives us the ability to constantly see "what else" is on and to control our television-watching domain.
Birth control pills
It goes without saying that condoms and safe sex in general are essential in this day and age. Nevertheless, knowing your woman is on birth control pills is like winning the lottery. Not only will her menstrual cycles be more regulated and easier to predict (giving you a heads up), but you're also covered if you and Mr. Happy are confident enough to go commando. Best of all, they don't interfere in the sensation department like our rubber contraceptives, which makes these man's greatest insurance policy.
An enjoyable toilet environment
There's a reason the toilet is also known as man's throne. Women will never understand why a good toilet is important, but then they also think it's wrong to read in the john, so what do they know? There are certain things in life that simply should not be rushed, so small, uncomfortable toilet seats and cramped bathrooms are not ideal.
However, this is often out of our control, so the next best thing is creating a comfortable toilet environment, with magazines, books, newspapers, air fresheners, a telephone, a radio, a laptop, and stockpiles of toilet paper within reach. A television set is also something every man has considered at some point, though only the most hardcore have managed it. If you're one of those, the rest of us salute you.
A really comfortable chair
Like the toilet, a man cannot live without at least one chair or couch that he's really comfortable in. For married men, or those living with their girlfriends, this is the one piece of furniture she hates, which of course only adds to its allure. This could be a recliner, the mother of all relaxing chairs, or even a sectional of a couch. Either way, though, your chair is the place for you to unwind and relax.
boys will be boys
Every man has his own tastes, vices and needs, but I'm sure most of us can agree that our lives would be a lot less enjoyable and peaceful without the things on this list. And honestly, just thinking about a life without them has me reaching for a beer.
Things Guys Can't Live Without
By Everett Meyer
Lifestyle Correspondent - Every other Tuesday
In your lifelong pursuit of happiness, it's often easy to overlook the small, commonplace things that really make you happy. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's impossible to imagine life without these small pleasures. Here is an appreciative list of some of the things men can't live without (or so we say).
food and beverages
Red meat
Call it something evolution failed to eliminate, but man's need for blood and flesh is a primal thing we'll probably never curtail. Sure, sushi tastes good, and yes, salads and fish plates can be interesting and even enjoyable. But nothing, I mean nothing, can replace the sensation of biting into a thick, juicy, bloody steak. Well-done is for the weak.
Beer
Nothing makes day-to-day life more manageable than a bottle of your favorite brewskie. This isn't to say we need to be drunk to enjoy life, but a cold one sure makes it easier, doesn't it? Besides, without booze, half of our sexual exploits would not have occurred. And what would hanging out with the guys be like while sober? Their stories just wouldn't be as interesting.
Junk food
Obvious favorites are burgers, fries and pizza, but there's always room for subs, fried chicken, Chinese food, chicken wings, and then some. Of course, all these delicacies are best enjoyed while watching sports and drinking beer.
Imagine yourself eating a fatty cheeseburger with a side order of greasy fries right now. Mmmm... sweet, no? Maybe it's the result of years of indoctrination or simply the fact that junk food tastes great. Who knows? We just love it.
Sports highlights
The reason shows like NFL Primetime are so popular is because they cut out all the crap involved in watching the NFL and sports in general -- the commercials, halftime, timeouts, video reviews, Phil Simms -- while giving us all the essential plays, hits, bloopers, and insider information. This includes reams of statistics that we memorize religiously and use in drunken arguments with friends.
Best of all, though, is watching highlights of the game you've just finished seeing, especially if your team beat the snot out of another one. The sheer joy of watching the best moments over again, happily shouting at the screen and giving the finger to any member of the losing team, is inexplicable.
The Internet
Where else can you get the latest business, sports and entertainment news, as well as funny video clips, jokes and porn? The World Wide Web is man's best and most addictive friend; it's kind of like combining the world's greatest libraries, postal services, stores, shows, and music, and then making it accessible 24 hours a day from the comfort of your home.
Video games
No matter what piece of crap life tosses your way, video games offer an easy, entertaining and graphically-pleasing escape. For example, if watching your favorite team lose has got you down, pop in your sports game, take the team over, and trade all the bastards that fumbled. When your woman or your job's got you frustrated or upset, you can start up Grand Theft Auto and run some people over, stopping only to blow your roulette winnings on a hooker.
Oral sex
Because of a lifetime of watching porn, most of us have an impressive spank bank of fantasy material (group sex, partner swapping, and so on). When it comes to blowjobs, however, no man can live without the real thing -- although many married men sadly manage this feat.
Because you don't really have to do anything apart from sitting back and getting out of the way, a great blowjob can actually be better than sex, especially if you have an unobstructed view of the television. Just make sure to avoid erection-destroying programming, like Dr. Phil .
Porn
Sure, we can get sex at home -- and those of us who can't always have the option of paying for it -- but there is something absolutely necessary about watching a woman fellate a man like his penis was the last remaining source of oxygen. Even if a man does not have his own porn collection, he will not be able to withstand its attraction if it happens to be on. Porn is where we get to see all the things we're missing out on, and where a glimmer of hope exists that one day we might suggest some of the things we see in this XXX world to our girlfriends. Ah, wishful thinking.
Threesomes
Even if you haven't had this experience yet, and even if it isn't likely to happen to you, no man can live without the fantasy of having two women at the same time. And frankly, if you need an explanation why, seek help.
Strip clubs
Technically, this is a form of entertainment, but really, if watching naked women gyrating around a pole doesn't equate to sex, what does? Like porn, some women say this objectifies women, which is complete nonsense. Exotic dancing, if anything, is a celebration of women and of the female form. Frankly, we should be applauded for encouraging that type of worship and for parting with our hard-earned cash to catch a better view of it.
The remote control
For most men, not having a remote control is like not having a right hand. We're so dependent on it that, if it were misplaced, we'd rather spend the time searching than even think of changing channels manually. The remote appeals to the primal man in us; it gives us the ability to constantly see "what else" is on and to control our television-watching domain.
Birth control pills
It goes without saying that condoms and safe sex in general are essential in this day and age. Nevertheless, knowing your woman is on birth control pills is like winning the lottery. Not only will her menstrual cycles be more regulated and easier to predict (giving you a heads up), but you're also covered if you and Mr. Happy are confident enough to go commando. Best of all, they don't interfere in the sensation department like our rubber contraceptives, which makes these man's greatest insurance policy.
An enjoyable toilet environment
There's a reason the toilet is also known as man's throne. Women will never understand why a good toilet is important, but then they also think it's wrong to read in the john, so what do they know? There are certain things in life that simply should not be rushed, so small, uncomfortable toilet seats and cramped bathrooms are not ideal.
However, this is often out of our control, so the next best thing is creating a comfortable toilet environment, with magazines, books, newspapers, air fresheners, a telephone, a radio, a laptop, and stockpiles of toilet paper within reach. A television set is also something every man has considered at some point, though only the most hardcore have managed it. If you're one of those, the rest of us salute you.
A really comfortable chair
Like the toilet, a man cannot live without at least one chair or couch that he's really comfortable in. For married men, or those living with their girlfriends, this is the one piece of furniture she hates, which of course only adds to its allure. This could be a recliner, the mother of all relaxing chairs, or even a sectional of a couch. Either way, though, your chair is the place for you to unwind and relax.
boys will be boys
Every man has his own tastes, vices and needs, but I'm sure most of us can agree that our lives would be a lot less enjoyable and peaceful without the things on this list. And honestly, just thinking about a life without them has me reaching for a beer.
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