Art thou hung over?
(laughs) I'm fuckin' massacred. I'm taking these "Energy Now" tablets.
I am riding on some coffee, myself.
I just can't keep myself awake. I feel like shit. And you know what? it's all your fault!
Oh?
Yeah. Because you're American. Anyway...
Art thou ready, head-ache man?
Do you have to say it so loud?
Dost thy drummer play with a light bulb in his mouth?
Are you insinuating that he looks like Uncle Fester?
Yes.
Well, that's cool because nowadays in Europe and what-have-you, the press actually regards him as Uncle Fester, and for some reason, being a very violent character - he's warmed to it, rather than just storming into the publication office and start killing people, which is fuckin' amazing. But I think the new maxim for him is "Uncle Pester."
In the photo with the blonde woman who is being bitten by everyone, he does look like Uncle F ster. But in another photo in the CD insert, he looks like thetypical Brit with a misshapen head.
(laughs)
And not threatening at all.
I wouldn't carry on too much about him because you haven't met him yet. (laughs)
Perhaps we shall have a...
Fight.
It can be commentated for the next issue. Is he more violent than the bass player of Solstice?
The English Solstice?
Yes.
A bunch of pussies! They really are. I'm about half the size of that guy and I gave him ,,large' when we last met. They were doing some weird thing with...
uh, you know, the circle... Well, I wouldn't say they were pussies because John was in Solstice - our new guitarist. But there was one point when they had like a "doom metal council" or something, for no reason at all. They would just gather telephone numbers and ring us up, giving us loads of shit. So we confronted them about it and they were like, "Ooh. I don't think it was us" . Anyway, do carry on. Oh! Is he moree violent than him? Yeah. Well, most certainly. But not as violent as Carl from Cancer, however.. who is incredibly violent.
Is he violent because he puts out mediocre albums?
(laughs) Probably, yeah. They split up, didn't they? Because they just sucked. I don't know what they did.
They were a cancer to the scene.
Hmmm.
Dost thou think that thou art being typically English by ripping off the Scandinavian music?
(laughs) Do you mean showing appreciation for the likes of At the Gates?
I believe the word was blatant 'rip-off' of the most trendy aspects of Scandinavian black metal.
No. I think you've 'got the message completely wrong.
Enlighten me.
I will do.
And stop chewing.
I've got a tootie bar or whatever they call them. Tootsie Roll... No. I don't believe that at all. What you misunderstand is that Cradle of Filth write fuckin' good riffs. And I'm in a 'position to say that because I'm not a guitarist. So I m not bragging. I'm just saying Cradle ofFilt write fuckin' great guitar riffs. They're not Swedish. I think they're more typically British than Swedish. If anything, the Swedish would rip off the English scene.
This will be a great interview!
When you listen to Cradle of Filth... no, I'm afraid there's no comparison whatsoever, and Nick is a much more skillful drummer than anything they've got to show apart from the drummer from Eucharist.
Wouldst thott liken thy vocals to those of a stupid bitch who is screaming that someone is pinching her breasts?
Is that all I sound like? I've failed miserably then, haven't I? It should be more like a red hot poker in a virgin's entrance, like the rings of her anus.
When singing, art thou...
I haven't finished yet!
Oh! I'm sorry.
No. That's just plain derogatory. Goodbye forever!
When singing, airt thou inspired by memories of thy mommy burning herself on the stove?
Hey? Excuse me? What do you mean?
I thought thou wouldst be more evil in thy response.
No. It's just that I don't understand what you mean by that.
Perhaps the meaning is lost between American English and English English.
Explain.
It was just a meaningless question.
I mean, there was a motive behind it. Otherwise, you know?
Hey! I am doing the interview, not thee!
No, no! But you' asking me a question. I've got to know what it actually meant. Otherwise you could speak in hieroglyphics, couldn't you?
Only if there were a caption that magically appeared above my head because hieroglyphics is a writing style, not a language. How dost thou feel that Seth Putnam considers thy band to bee extremely gay?
He's probably just jealous because he can't string a song together. Seth Putnam. That's a fuckin' awesome name. Awesome band name. Awesome thought - everyone should be killed. But unfortunately, his music is absolutely shite. And I think that he obviously realizes that, and that's his way of compensating. I'm sure everybody's going to listen to him.
Just as a break, what was that word?
"Shite?"
Is it spelled "s-h-i.-t?
Yes.
OK. That's the Ahhhnglish (I pronounce english in the most gay way possible) way to pronounce "shit."
It has derived from the Newcastle way where they say "Shite, man!" and things like that.
Wouldst thou consider thy manner of speaking to be "common."
No. I think I'm a bit of a snob, actually.
Thou speakth the queen's English?
Fuckin' better believe it! I'll hear nothing against the Monarchy.
Wouldst thou say that thou art vampiric?
Well, skinny and white, yeah. No. I can't answer it seriously anyway because the question's aren't serious.
Thy teeth last night had fake fangs overlapping the canine variety.' That would lead one to believe that thou art "gothic." And is not the "gotbic" scene merely a group of bisexuals who are trying to be horrific?
Quite possibly. Nothing wrong with being bisexual.
So wouldstt thou suck a man for thy nocturnaI sustenance?
No. I certainly wouldn't. But there's nothing wrong with being it. You're actually bei ng narrow-minded, I think. I was on the internet last night" and you can tell that everybody on there was about 14. You can just see them pouring behind their computer. They probably didn't have a girlfriend. They probably never went out, probably wondering what sex was like. All the questions seemed to do with men's anuses and wanking and shitting on people and just being derogatory toward women.
Are not thy fake fangs a sign of stupidity?
A sign of stupidity? I wouldn't call myself a goth either. I just like wearing black. I'm very sorry if that offends anyone. But most goths are pretty smelly and pretentious and not willing to speak to anyone and huddled in the
corner in nightclubs, looking scaty. No. I don't like wearing fangs. I have other things that occasionally I wear.
And thy contact lenses make thy eyes appear to be those of a cat?
Uh huh.
And cats are the original vampires?
You're going back to Egyptian mythology, aren't you?
I didn't know that there was any meaning to What I just said. I was just trying to be funny. Is Cradle of Filth the most gay and trendy of all black metal bands?
No. I think that we're just the best and the most popular. People just get jealous, and they have to laboriously argue. It just gets up my nose because we've had like 90'/o of the reaction in America has been utterly cool, and the other 10% are a load of jealous wankers who masturbate over pictures of Count Grishnack, thinking, "God! if onIy I had the integrity to do that! But I'm too scared, because if I ever went into prison, men would touch my bottom.,,
Art thou secure in thy gender, wouldst thou say?
You mean, do I cross-dress?
In human myth, angels have wings , but in birdy heaven, do angels have arms?
Birdy heaven... (laughs) If there was ever issue. I don't know. Ask one.
Christopher Columbus was in search of a new route to India. When he discovered America, the savages that he saw were mistaken for Indians. What if someone in India were looking for a shortcut to Spain? If they discovered America, would they call the natives "Spaniards"? Instead of cowboys and Indians, would we have Cow-worshippers and Spaniards?
(long pause) is there a relevance to this?
The one question that I ask that I want thee to explore is blown off.
What if Columbus re-discovered Atlanta?
Atlanta?
Yeah. Whatever it is called. That question was a bit too taxing for me. No.
You actually must be thinking of a point. When you come out with that questions it couldn't be random.
It does seem a little involved, doesn't it?
No. There must be a point to it, like there must be a point to the one I argued about and said, "What does that mean?"
Thou wilt detect the point when seeing it in print after thy hang-over is gone.
Why? Am I being overly grouchy?
No. Not at all. Thou art just not seeing what should be seen... It is just a joke.
Ok. Well, do go into that one. I'm just interested in why you cam with that.
I cannot give thee th 'keys to the kingdom.
We're just talking about perpectives here, yeah? How things are viewed in somebody else's perspective? And the point of it is? .What?
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