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1900: The Queen Mum is born, but is known at this stage as Elizabeth Bow-Legged Lyons, the youngest daughter of the Earl of Glamis. She has several female relatives, all of whom will end up wasting away, locked up in drab mental homes and kept in appalling conditions well out of the public view. But we won't mention that.
1901: Baby Queen Mum is put on a diet of Royal Honey, black coffee and gin. The royal dentist is sacked for suggesting that this might not be good for her teeth.
1929: She marries Prince Albert - which is a bit weird, because she ends up sleeping with King George VI.
1936: King Edward VIII abdicates to marry Wallis Simpson. The Queen Mum begins what will become a lifetime of the most bile laden bitterness and hatred of the American divorcee she calls "that woman who killed my husband". Oddly enough, she doesn't refer to Simpson as "that woman who put my useless family on the throne and saved me from a life of drunken obscurity".
1940: Buckingham Palace is bombed. Winston Churchill tells her to say "At last I can look the East End in the face now," which she does. It is the last thing of any interest she ever utters, and grovelling Archbishops and other brown-nosers down the years have to unearth this one quote ad nauseum.
1959: Percy Sidwall, the last man executed in Britain, is hanged for waving a tube of toothpaste at the Queen Mother.
1967: Her teeth turn an alarming shade of yellow.
1970: Her legs start to take on the the familiar bandy shape we all know and love today.
1974: A Royal Dentist's report states: "The Queen Mother's teeth are like the Ten Commandments. All broken."
1981: She attends the Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana. It is a fairytale romance which to this day still stirs the heart of all of us, the taxpayers who footed the bill.
1982: Prince William is born. He has big yellow teeth like a hamster and an enormous, square misshapen head, but like Harry after him, the Queen Mum dotes on her grandson. When she's sober.
1983: Her teeth turn completely black.
1988: Prince Charles starts seeing Camilla Parker-Bowles again. The Queen Mum lets him use one of her houses to commit his adultery - she approves of this kind of thing although she can't abide divorce.
1996: Astronomers at Mount Polomar observatory announce that they have discovered the first authenticated Black Hole in our own galaxy. Closer examination of the pictures later reveal them to be the Queen Mum's last dental x-rays which had got waylaid on their way back from the lab.
2000: Surrounded by her genetically modified family, the result of generations of inbreeding, she celebrates 100 years. Asked the secret of her longevity, she replies "I've never had to do a day's work in my life, and I live off the hard graft of taxpayers through the public purse." A shining example to us all. Unfortunately, the celebrations are ruined when Euan Blair is found drunk.
2001: Talk about outstaying your welcome... the Queen Mum hits 101 and falls down drunk at her birthday celebrations outside Clarence House. Princess Margaret arrives in a wheelchair dressed as Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous. "I'm here with a sick friend," she tells waiting reporters before wheeling herself off to pick her scabby legs.
The Near Future: A great darkness fall across the nation; Lorraine Kelly drops her intended slot about breast implants for pets to bring you the sad announcement... Claire Rainer is called in to tell us all how we're going to cope. The Government pays out cash compensation to thousands of asylum seekers who claim to have been traumatised by the news... The great rag and bone man in the sky has come to Clarence House to load some majestic old remains onto his cart, to be whisked off to the East End for one final knees up with some gin and jellied eels .
In a moving national ceremony, Her Majesty's black teeth are finally laid to rest in Westminster Abbey, within the hallowed vaults of the Tomb of the Unknown Dentist.
1901: Baby Queen Mum is put on a diet of Royal Honey, black coffee and gin. The royal dentist is sacked for suggesting that this might not be good for her teeth.
1929: She marries Prince Albert - which is a bit weird, because she ends up sleeping with King George VI.
1936: King Edward VIII abdicates to marry Wallis Simpson. The Queen Mum begins what will become a lifetime of the most bile laden bitterness and hatred of the American divorcee she calls "that woman who killed my husband". Oddly enough, she doesn't refer to Simpson as "that woman who put my useless family on the throne and saved me from a life of drunken obscurity".
1940: Buckingham Palace is bombed. Winston Churchill tells her to say "At last I can look the East End in the face now," which she does. It is the last thing of any interest she ever utters, and grovelling Archbishops and other brown-nosers down the years have to unearth this one quote ad nauseum.
1959: Percy Sidwall, the last man executed in Britain, is hanged for waving a tube of toothpaste at the Queen Mother.
1967: Her teeth turn an alarming shade of yellow.
1970: Her legs start to take on the the familiar bandy shape we all know and love today.
1974: A Royal Dentist's report states: "The Queen Mother's teeth are like the Ten Commandments. All broken."
1981: She attends the Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana. It is a fairytale romance which to this day still stirs the heart of all of us, the taxpayers who footed the bill.
1982: Prince William is born. He has big yellow teeth like a hamster and an enormous, square misshapen head, but like Harry after him, the Queen Mum dotes on her grandson. When she's sober.
1983: Her teeth turn completely black.
1988: Prince Charles starts seeing Camilla Parker-Bowles again. The Queen Mum lets him use one of her houses to commit his adultery - she approves of this kind of thing although she can't abide divorce.
1996: Astronomers at Mount Polomar observatory announce that they have discovered the first authenticated Black Hole in our own galaxy. Closer examination of the pictures later reveal them to be the Queen Mum's last dental x-rays which had got waylaid on their way back from the lab.
2000: Surrounded by her genetically modified family, the result of generations of inbreeding, she celebrates 100 years. Asked the secret of her longevity, she replies "I've never had to do a day's work in my life, and I live off the hard graft of taxpayers through the public purse." A shining example to us all. Unfortunately, the celebrations are ruined when Euan Blair is found drunk.
2001: Talk about outstaying your welcome... the Queen Mum hits 101 and falls down drunk at her birthday celebrations outside Clarence House. Princess Margaret arrives in a wheelchair dressed as Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous. "I'm here with a sick friend," she tells waiting reporters before wheeling herself off to pick her scabby legs.
The Near Future: A great darkness fall across the nation; Lorraine Kelly drops her intended slot about breast implants for pets to bring you the sad announcement... Claire Rainer is called in to tell us all how we're going to cope. The Government pays out cash compensation to thousands of asylum seekers who claim to have been traumatised by the news... The great rag and bone man in the sky has come to Clarence House to load some majestic old remains onto his cart, to be whisked off to the East End for one final knees up with some gin and jellied eels .
In a moving national ceremony, Her Majesty's black teeth are finally laid to rest in Westminster Abbey, within the hallowed vaults of the Tomb of the Unknown Dentist.
