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Spring's here and I've been spending a lot of time at the gym getting ready for the summer. So have a lot of other folks. While I love my gym, there's a ton of stuff at the gym that just really pisses me off.
Half the world thinks that a gym should be like a library; the other half thinks that the gym should be like a bar. Cell phones and even texting has reached epic proportions in gyms these days. Thank god they outlawed cell phones in my gym's locker room. With all the cameras on today's cells, I would hate for my ass to show up in some web site.
And what about the gym members themselves?
They're in every gym everywhere you go. I see these guys at mine, and I bet they work out at your gym too. In fact, I know they do, because I compiled the following list of the guys you see at your gym from different posting made on the EliteFitness.com Discussion Forums.
Let's discuss the guys at your gym and mine. Here they are:
Stickfigure Steve - Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is. He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc. Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a rep. It's too bad Steve weighs only 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains included.
The Pec-Deck Posse - They generally move in groups of five, so beware! No one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter their circle! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.
Carla Corolla - Carla is quite the legend! No one has bigger balls than Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can recognize her by the half inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out all the pits. Carla's frequently seen with a cell phone in her hand - even on the gym floor and her perfume smell stays around long after she's left the building. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla that runs forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next... forever!
Diana Ball (Lucy's BIGGER sister) - Diana is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the dudes in the gym, and has female sexual organs longer than a hot dog. Her voice makes most men's voices sound high and the stretch marks across her pecs would rival the hardest hard-core lifter. After her workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey wearing a mini skirt... Stickfigure Steve really digs this chick!
Bill Floodgate - Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use caution when approaching him!
Randy RatchetJaw - This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours, greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble from that wad gobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill Floodgate needs a spot...
Little Cousin Bobby - This is the slightly (mentally) challenged guy who works the front desk. Bobby is VERY intense, and generally foams at the mouth a little when you forget your membership card. DO NOT make Bobby mad!
Aunt Bee - Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a waif of perfume vapor that lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen her... Never discuss a recipe with this broad!
The Bench Bunch - I don't need to go into this to much. They're the three guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns! They have been know to get in rumbles with The Pec-Deck Posse.
Candy Cardiobunny - The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts weights because she doesn't want to look "Bulky." Candy's easy to recognize because when she wears her yellow spandex, she looks like a Number 2 pencil.
Bernie BackInTheDay - Bernie's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises and training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Bernie suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no known cure. Around the gym it's known as Exaggerated Lat Syndrome, which forces the afflicted to walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the impression of huge, Coleman-like lats that are not really there. That or the impression of a kid pretending to be an airplane. Wide-grip chins have been reported to reduce the effects of this deforming disease.
Bunny Spandex - Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop workouts, make older men act 18 again, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole! She wears the latest "Show me everything" attire, blonde hair, perky breasts, and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!
Arnold Roidhead - No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to immense proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.
Gary Goatfarmer - Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. He comes in straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots and dirty jeans. Gary removes his flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt that he'll then wear to work out in. Gary can clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for Gary, but he sure could benefit from a good dose of both Right Guard and Left Guard.
Willie Wifebeater - They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts, pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body piercing spread out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains unknown at this point.
Larry Lockerroom - Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no one knows for sure. Larry, after his very brief workout, likes to spend at least an hour in the locker room naked, walking around with elephant like wrinkles, and more chins than the Chinese phonebook. He has a big case of grooming products that he brings with him and he will use the blow dryer to dry private parts of his body. When he's doing this, he feels no shame at striking up a conversation with you.
Tim the Tubby Trainer - Tim has all the paper certifications and he has passed all the written requirements, but Tim seems to have forgotten all the physical ones. Tim's the personal trainer that looks like hell. He'll charge you over $70 an hour to help you get in shape, but his physique looks like it was built with Twinkies. Usually Tim can be seen with 2 to 3 other trainers built just like him, and he can often be heard telling everyone what they are doing wrong. This of course is between bites from his Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet he has been training for... for at least the last 12 years. Funny thing is that the Lat Lady and Halitosis Hal have been known to pay him to train them.
Charlie Chia-Pet - Charlie can make even the most serious lifters shudder! He seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is straight from the jungles of Bangladesh! Very tight onion-skin running shorts left over from the mid 80's, and a nipple showing tank top straight from the back pages of a bodybuilding magazine, and no socks. Jimmy is awe inspiring! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of his body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean shaven, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your gym, rent the old movie Planet of the Apes, he had several parts in that flick I've been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.
Greg the Gorilla Boy - Greg works out alone, and is the opposite of the Benchbunch gang. Greg has very short legs, but still, his arms drag the ground. Greg can be identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't scrape the carpet. Greg never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's pants are special ordered from K-mart.
The Gerbil - "Shudder" I'd rather not discuss him, but he's the guy that hides back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. He looks like Hannibal Lecter and has a strange voice. Never ever make eye contact with him, act like he's not there. Avoid the Gerbil at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3 foot plot of ground in his back yard!
Sally Spreadlegs - Sally comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers, yet she never works out. She can ruin a good workout with one Marlboro voiced sentence. Sally has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving the gym by the eight children she has in tow. Avoid hooking up with Sally at all costs, or your gym career is over!
Kenny KnowsThemAll - Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, "Ronnie told me" or the famous, "Flex has said many times" and lest we not forget "King Kamali and I were..." Kenny and his kind generally cannot distinguish between fantasy land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot attend any bodybuilding contest due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on your physique level, you may wish to avoid him. Kenny usually gives sound advice to Arnold Roidhead.
Mark Mr O. - Marks been training for the Mr. Olympia for many years. And Mark is the first to let you know he's finally going this year. Of course I went to the Mr. O. this year too, but I had better seats than he did. Harmless, but he can be irritating.
Peter Popazit - This gym wonder forgot the side effects of steroids and has a roadmap atlas of zits across his back and chest. He gets his name from pinching zits in the gym floor mirrors. He's also been know to shave in the steam room. For safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working out near Peter!
Carly Cameltoe - Carly is AMAZING I tell you! All the guys dig Carly. Straight from the treadmill, nice flush face, and right to the weight room for her intense workout. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up her legs go - then on to the hip abductor... Need I say more? Although I enjoy her presence very much I must add!
Harold Hockeysticks - Harold is the upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Hi upper body is flawless in every respect, and actually Harold seems to be a nice guy in a way. Harold wears baggies to workout in, tank top, decent shoes, good form... What else could you want... When you see him at the beach or when changing clothes is when the shock really sets in. Harold never works legs! Never! And in a swim suit his legs look like hockey sticks, or perhaps like he's riding a chicken.
The Half-Rep Gurus - A must for every gym, and no gym is complete without them. Most of the time they're huddled around the squat rack with 5 huge plates on each side of the bar. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat strength about to happen! I must admit I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the Half-Rep Gurus, powders his hands, grabs the bar, and gets ready to squat. He pauses, then he unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like cry. He lowers the bar 4 full inches into a mini-squat, then stands upright once again to complete this awe inspiring rep. I am generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet the Half-Rep Gurus perceive the act to be worthy of godlike worship... Ignore them and move on!
Halitosis Hal - Avoid Hal at all costs. Hal's diet consists of rotten cheese burgers for every meal, and his breath could kill a small animal. If you're caught by surprise and he starts a conversation with you, here's some advice. Take a deep breath, turn your face to the side, and close one eye - it's better to be blind in one eye than both eyes! Truly a nightmare.
Derek Drunkguy - Derek talks to himself. There's no end to his perversions!
The Superhero Gang - Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!
Angie Dimpleknees - The self proclaimed Oreo-Cookie Queen of Bodybuilding. Easily spotted due to the fact you'd have to roll her in flour to find a wet spot. She comes out of hibernation every January 2nd, but her presence is short lived and she returns to hibernation February 3rd for another year. Harmless, but a GREAT cook!
Spot Pumpkinhead - Spot's a rather small High School kid with a head so big, it looks like his neck is trying to blow a bubble. He rushes from member to member giving out spots and advice wherever he goes needed or not. Very irritating, but you can put a stop to him with a simple growl... Works wonders!
The Mirror Stalkers - You know the kind. The people who simply CANNOT remove their eyes from the mirror for one second. If you step in front of them, they will dance around and try to find a new viewing spot. They always take the LONG walk to the water fountain, so they can prance and preen in ALL the mirrors along the way.
The Anabol Idiots - These are the roid takers that simply cannot see in the mirror what everyone else sees about them. All they do is bench presses and curls. And their bench press looks like an attempt to pelvis hump the ceiling. Ass so high off the bench that their crotch is higher than their nose. When they stand up, they looked deformed because their front delts are bigger and stick out further than their chest. Apparently they believe in "Saving Things For A Rainy Day" because their back, legs and abs have not seen the inside of a gym in their 10 years of lifting.
Fred Fatso - Fred's proud to be a real big guy... real big... And he is. However, Fred is just plain old fat, but don't try and tell Fred that because Fred thinks he's muscular - kind of like Cartman on South Park when he took up weightlifting. Fred's always on a gaining cycle and never gets cut. Fred's so fat in fact, that when he gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Mr. Utility Man - This dude has an iPod, fanny pack, weight gloves, and water bottle all tethered around his mid section. I'm sure you've seen him. He's the guy singing loudly along with his iPod.
The Silent Grunting Juicer - You all know who this guy is, he's the massive testosterone filled giant who speaks to no one and grunts like a cave man during every exercise, when posed with a question from one of the high school bench bunch he will make a face so mean, it will cause the questioner to wet his pants and begin convulsing.
Peter Porn Star: Peter goes to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY... to TAN. He wears the SAME black running suit with the jacket unzipped down to his navel with no shirt underneath. He's got big, feathered, jet-black, dyed hair, a huge jet-black moustache, and the finishing touch is the big gold chain. Peter's been known to eat smelly food in the lockerroom.
Sam the Space Invader - There's a lot of Sams at my gym. Sam likes to get about 2 inches from you when you are working out. He literally invades your workout space.
Sarah and Steve Circuit Trainer - Sarah and Steve love to circuit train and they go from machine to machine never doing the same exercise twice. The trouble with Sarah and Steve is that they get real angry with you if you're doing more than one set at any given station - somehow they manage to tie up 20 or so machines all at once, then they're off to a step class.
Sean Smartyspandex - Sean looks terrible, but he feels the need to interrupt your workout to tell you what you're doing wrong. He claims he's recovering from an injury - for the last 12 years - and that's why he always looks the same. Yesterday, he proceeded to tell me I was breathing wrong on my bench press, and then he went on to tell me how Arnold would breath back when he was benching.
The Spooky Spotters - Just like a ghost, the spooky spotters appear and start "spotting" you even when you DIDN'T ASK them to. You'll be in the middle of a set and then start to feel the erie "presence" of a Spooky Spotter and you'll notice the bar you're lifting just got lighter.
The Lat Lady - The Lat Lady is an older gal who does lat pulldowns with no extra weight except for the non-removable 10lb plate. The first pulldown gets pretty close to her chest, then the next 4 or 5 are about a foot and a half from her chest with her arms extended. She's friends with Aunt Bee.
Joe the Friendly Dude - Joe's the guy who walks around the gym and shakes everyone's hand, slaps you on the back, and acts like everyone at the gym is his best buddy. You don't know Joe from a hole in the ground, but everyday, he'll come up and try to "high-five" you. Everyone say that Joe's a great guy, but privately, they want to deck him.
Ernie Excuse - Ernie comes in EVERY DAY with an excuse why he can't lift heavy that day. "Man, I am so tired, I didn't sleep at all last night." "DAMN, I can't lift heavy because I've been so sick" "I can't do this today because I strained my foot" "I can't do that today because I had to work too hard at work today." And then Ernie tells you about how much he used to lift and he will lift again real soon whenever he's over whatever's ailing him.
If I left anyone out, and you would like to remind us of him, here's a post of the EliteFitness.com Discussion Forums where you can discuss the guys at your gym. I'll see you on the boards!
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